to think it's not that odd that my DDs have never been to a hairdresser ( age 10 and 13)

[NotaChocoholic]

spoke to a friend last night and we got taking about hairdressers and the lockdown and I confessed that I haven't been to a hairdresser in 14 years and neither have my DDs (10 and 13).

I got quite good over the years in cutting hair. One DD has severe ASD and would not be able to cope anyways so DIY is less stressful. My other DD and I have very curly hair and I do a lovely dry curly hair cut (much better than most hair dressers - fellow curlies will know what I mean).

My friend was aghast and thought professionally groomed hair is part of a 'proper' upbringing. She didn't know about me doing our hair (I must cut well if it's not that obvious). I always thought it's quite normal what I do. Fwiw, I couldn't afford it anyways (lone parents on carers allowance).

But Aibu?

It's not weird to me, I didn't go to a hairdresser until I was 20. Before then mum trimmed it a few times a year. I didn't have a style as such, just straight shoulder length hair, so cutting it is simple.

Do I wish I went? A little, it would have been an interesting experience. But it would have been a waste of money that could have been better spent on other things.

@NotaChocoholic It's most definitely NOT part of a proper upbringing to go to the hairdressers. You're doing what works best for you and your family and within your budget too. I very rarely went to the hairdressers growing up and I hardly felt I missed out.

Continue what you're doing and don't let others make you feel bad

coco spot on

That's why I stopped going to an actual salon.

I dont want multiple people touching me and having to explain what I want to multiple people cos everyone is apparently too special to follow through from start to finish and it takes 4 people.

I dont want massages and sales pitches. I just want a bloody hair cut.

@NotaChocoholic

I think you should take your daughters to a hairdresser a few times before they leave home to live away from you

I am sure curly DD will figure it out herself. and my daughter with ASD will never leave home. You are the third posters who assumes that DD will fly the nest. Why can people not comprehend that this isn't reality for this with severe low functioning ASD?

Yes, people have no bloody clue. I would love to believe that my twins are going to be able to leave home one day, but if I’m being realistic there’s a very strong chance that won’t happen. People just assume their experiences are universal. If my boys are ever able to leave home, not being familiar with the way barbershops work will be the least of their problems!

Perfectly fine to cut it yourself. The whole rigamarole of washing/ cutting/ blow drying/ drinks etc is just part of the justification for charging ridiculous prices for children's haircuts and prepping them to get used to spending a fortune when they are older. Another ridiculous part of the unnecessary 'beautification' of young girls!

Another vote from a curly bonce here. From high street £10 jobs to expensive salons ‘I know how to cut curly’ they’ve all been pretty awful. Just so little idea of how curly hair grows.
I did my own dry cut, thank you YouTube, for the first time during lockdown and it’s the nicest cut I’ve ever had. I’m never going back to a salon, in fact I think I’ll treat myself to some better scissors!

My first hairdresser visit (they were not even referred to as salons back then ) was in my early twenties! Different times then though and no social media to show ourselves off.
My cousin treated her 10 yr old daughter to her first salon wash and cut/blowdry recently and naturally it went straight to Fbook. A one off though and she said it will not be a regular thing due to the cost.
People can spend their money any way they wish. Times now are so different to just a few decades ago in all aspects of life (stating the bleeding obvious I know) but it was almost unheard of to have your mop styled anywhere else other than the kitchen when I was a schoolgirl.

Whatwouldscullydo: I agree that it would definitely be a lot easier to acquire the knowledge of terms etc now we have the internet.
I grew up in a rural location in the 1980s with parents who discouraged any interest in hair and makeup/products etc, I assure you my post was an accurate description of the level of ignorance that could produce! :-)

If everyone's happy why on earth would you question or because of an ignorant friend? Is hard enough to find a hairdresser who died what you want, if you can do it yourself that's brilliant.

Of you're worried about your dc missing out on the worried you could always go to a salon for another pampering experience - nails, facial, spa day? You'll be able to afford it with the money you're saving!

I’ve never been to a hairdresser in my life, DD has been twice (and hated it), both DS’s have never been. I don’t understand all of the fuss around it, surely cutting your own hair is a life skill most adults would have by the time they have their own DC?

I grew up not going to the hairdresser's, it was normal not to. My mother never did either, she did her own hair including curling it, and cut my father's hair with professional men's hair trimmers. When I had children of my own, I also cut their hair, I certainly don't think they 'missed out'....what a daft idea.

My adult children go to hairdressers these days (when COVID allows) and at one point I also used to go as I went through a phase of having my hair permed.

Over the last few years I learned to do a layered cut on myself, even the back. It was so useful when I lived abroad and now in the pandemic, I haven't noticed whether hairdressers are open or shut, I cut and colour mine when I wish. So easy, less stressful and much more economical. And no, I'm not missing out on anything either.

Sounds like you are doing a great job doing it yourself.
However when you mentioned DC with ASD I did wonder if you should have desensitised to hairdressers at a younger (more manageable) age as a life skill to be able to get your hair cut more independently

I agree. One of my DC's has Autism. He has been going to the salon, for his hair, from the age of 4. I purposely did this to help desensitise to getting a haircut at the hairdresser. Please do this now OP

@secular89 what a lot of bollocks. Why the hell would you force an ASD child who cannot handle having their head and hair touched by strangers to go to a hairdresser? Eldest DS has ASD, I’d never be so cruel as to force him in that position.

@NotaChocoholic ignore the ignorance around ASD, please don’t force your DC to go to a hairdresser if they cannot handle it.

I ditched the salons a couple of years ago. Not only did I object to paying ££ for exactly the same cut just because it was done by a higher ranking stylist , I mean ultimately the actual hair dresser doesn't even deal with you fir that long . Someone else brings you teac and coffee or washes your hair or brings the magazines etc so for 10/15 mins of that one person you pay alot more .

And the appointments are a pain for that reason because unless you accept the varying price tags and take anyone you have to match up days times and people which is difficult around work if you have Wednesday off but your stylist is working Thursday.

I now go to someone's house. Same person start to finish, no sales pitch, she does what I ask her. Its still not cheap but its cheaper than a salon.

I think it’s unusual not to have ever gone to a hairdresser, but as your kids have specific needs - one curly and one ASD - and you are skilled at doing both, then there isn’t any need to go. Ignore your friend. Also, I don’t think the hairdresser is a fun experience so I wouldn’t spend money just for that for your curly DD. Since the first lockdown, I cut my DH’s and my DS’s and my DD cuts mine. Mine gets a bit choppy and crooked but I have no shits to give. I don’t cut my DD’s because she values it being done by a professional. Fortunately that isn’t expensive as it’s straight and it’s just a wet cut.

@SinkGirl

Your comment *My autistic twins are 4, non verbal, don’t understand words, can’t be reassured. It’s most definitely not easier to do it when younger.

We’ve found a mobile hairdresser who comes to the house to cut their hair - no way could we take them into a hairdressers. If I could it myself I would!*

Why do you put limits on your child? One of my DC's was four, non verbal, had limited understanding and he was going to the hairdressers at the age so that I can help him manage hairdressers. There are good people out there, who can successfully cut uncooperative children's/people's hair.

I don't like it when some parents of disabled children put limits on their children. Try it and if it doesn't work, let it go. We are not always going to be here holidaying our children's hands. The world of a cruel place, particularly, for children like our DC's. The best we can do for them is teach them and give them a number of experiences that they are able to access.

I hate the hairdressers and don't find it relaxing at all!
Mainstream are no good for curly hair - they want to use shampoo, the products I can't have as they're all silicone based and they cut hair wet
I do have a dry curly cut booked for February but it's £60

[quote secular89]@SinkGirl

Your comment *My autistic twins are 4, non verbal, don’t understand words, can’t be reassured. It’s most definitely not easier to do it when younger.

We’ve found a mobile hairdresser who comes to the house to cut their hair - no way could we take them into a hairdressers. If I could it myself I would!*

Why do you put limits on your child? One of my DC's was four, non verbal, had limited understanding and he was going to the hairdressers at the age so that I can help him manage hairdressers. There are good people out there, who can successfully cut uncooperative children's/people's hair.

I don't like it when some parents of disabled children put limits on their children. Try it and if it doesn't work, let it go. We are not always going to be here holidaying our children's hands. The world of a cruel place, particularly, for children like our DC's. The best we can do for them is teach them and give them a number of experiences that they are able to access.[/quote]
I would give a polite response but actually you don’t deserve one. How dare you tell me I’m putting limits on my children? I’m not going to force them into situations that distress them and upset everyone around them, including them, the hairdresser, any other customers and myself.

One of them recently needed a procedure under GA - he was so terrified that they had to give him a sedative just to be able to check his blood pressure and temperature.

We are having a really tough week and your assumptions have just broken me. Perhaps you should think before you speak next time.

Why would you pay someone to do something you can do yourself, for free? Your friend op, is the odd one.

No one can give their children all potential experiences, not even all the experiences they might find pleasurable. If money is tight, you prioritise. There is nothing so inherently important about going to a hairdresser that it has to be prioritised over other things you could be doing.

As for the dd with ASD- that would just be cruel. In fact, it would be ignoring her needs because of some need to pretend that she can be exactly like NT children and enjoy exactly the same things.

I think you’re doing what’s right for you.

My daughter is 23 with very, vert curly hair, it’s long, she has been to a special curly hairdresser but on the very rare occasion it needs doing it’s more often me who will take the ends off. It’s nothing to do with finances simply I can do it just fine and you can’t tell a difference when I do it v the hairdresser.

Its not odd at all. Some are sheep and find it hard to depart from whatever they class as normal.

I don't like it when some parents of disabled children put limits on their children.

give me a fucking break. Since when is not putting your disabled child through the stressful experience of going to the hairdresser akin to limiting your disabled child.

Fwiw, I dislike it when parents try to force the stressful experiences of going to a salon on their disabled children just because it is seen as the 'norm'. Dreadful parenting.

I’m not going to force them into situations that distress them and upset everyone around them, including them, the hairdresser, any other customers and myself

SinkGirl, when someone gives you advice. Don't get defensive. If you are usually like this, no one will tell how you they really feel.

But from your comment above, are you telling me that you will never expose your child to a stressful situation? DC's hates having a blood tests, but he needs to get them done. We do things in small bites, we sought a play therapist who gave me tools how to manage DC's blood test anxiety/sensory needs etc.

I believe all children, included those with disabilities,are entitled to experience all life's opportunities (if they are able to). Children like ours are more vulnerable to abuse. The more independent your child is, the less likely the abuse. He/she may not be independent, in the typical sense, but give him the tools to become independent. If he is non verbal, give him other tools to communicate with, make adaptions in your home, teach him things in small bites etc.