Daughter has broken lockdown rules and meant to come to my house for Christmas.

[concernedmother52]

My daughter is a 28 year old single mum, she's 3rd year uni which is all online and is thoroughly fed up with lockdown (aren't we all!?)

We live in Scotland, tier 3 currently, tier 4 after Christmas. The plan for Christmas Day was that my daughter and granddaughter would join us for the day.

However, she has just openly admitted to me that her friend who lives in London who travelled from there to spend Christmas Day with his folks has been staying at her house the past two nights.

I am livid because London is very bad with the virus at the moment and all the transport her friend has been on!

She claims she is no longer letting the government control how she lives her life and that during the first lockdown her mental health took a dip (which I am aware of). She is struggling with online learning and not having much social interaction. She claims that it is her own risk whether she catches the virus.

I said I would need to have a word with my husband before deciding if she can come on Christmas Day, she hung up on me.

I'm so mad because it means missing out on our granddaughter as well and she will have nothing in the house organised for a Christmas Day meal and it makes me sad thinking of her and her daughter in the house just having a normal lunch/dinner.

AIBU if I let her come to our house?

Ask her to get tested before coming? Otherwise no YANBU, it's your own risk assessment entirely.

She knew the risk. At what point did she consider you and DH in her risk taking?

She's the one who's made her choice here... She just expects you to fall in line with it.

She didn't consider us at all and has frequently called me a 'sheep' for following guidelines. Easy for her to say being 28 and healthy with no underlying health conditions but doesn't seem to think about others that aren't in that fortunate position.

Really not sure what to do, neither me nor my husband is vulnerable and I don't want to miss out on Christmas with my granddaughter etc. She's 7 so at that lovely age where Christmas is still magical.

However, I don't agree with my daughters actions and want her to consider others and feel by just ignoring it will be condoning her behaviour.

@oblada that's a good idea, though don't you have to be having symptoms to get the test? And would it be likely results would be back for Christmas if she got a test tomorrow? Is there an option to pay if you aren't showing symptoms?

You’re asking the wrong people here, what does her dad say?

I really feel for you . Obviously she can make her own decisions because she is low risk . But she should also consider you in the equation .

It’s horrible that this causes family arguments .

My BIL SIL and both their children have all tested positive this week . Just because one bought it back from work and was asymptomatic.

If the come could you keep SD and ventilate the room ? And also make an agreement that covid will NOT be talked about .

You have to lie about the symptoms I guess, that’s would people are doing....it’s entirely up to you if you let her come. It’s more risky for you obviously but only you can make that decision not mumsnet!

(To get a test!)

She’s been very selfish
What does your husband say?

If you feel the risk is too great, then you need to make the decision not to allow her to come. That means you will miss out on your grand-daughter too, which I can understand is disappointing, but you have to decide what level of risk you are willing to take to get what you want.

I would say, though, that you knew your daughter did not place high priority on following rules and restrictions related to covid. Given this, you must surely have decided to run some degree of risk? I’m not defending her not following guidelines, nor her lack of thought re risk to you when deciding to let her friend stay, BTW. Just wondering why you thought she would follow rules when she has already said she doesn’t respect them? Did you ask her too, for the weeks prior to coming to you for Christmas Day?

I'm the same age as your daughter and I wouldn't dare want to put my parents at risk like that. Sorry op but she's behaved really selfishly towards you and her daughter

@Unsure33 yeah that might be the best option. Funnily enough me and my daughter joked about that the other day after a heated debate, she said I think Covid is becoming much like politics, best not to discuss it at the dinner table so we agreed on Christmas Day the topic would be avoided. This was before the situation with her friend staying.

@VinylDetective my husband doesn't agree with her behaviour and attitude but equally wants them with us at Christmas so says the decision is really mine.

I just don't want to condone her behaviour. I think airing place and keeping socially distanced may be the best option.

I think YANBU. I’m all for living your life and we’re stretching the rules to spend Christmas Day with my parents - basically they live walking distance from us and we shop at the same supermarket (which is the only place any of us go at the moment!) but we’ve all voluntarily self isolated for 10 days to be sure we’re not passing on the virus.

I think there are two issues - rule and risk. Tbh the rules can do one, I think it’s been horribly mismanaged and that the rules decisions are basically political now. But I will NOT risk passing Covid to my parents. So I’m willing to break the rules if I know I haven’t left the house for 10 days - this was the case before Christmas being ‘cancelled’ so we were already all stocked up. 7 days down 3 to go! So basically I don’t care that your DD is breaking the rules, but I do care that she’s putting you at risk, so yanbu to be cross or say no to her coming over.

@concernedmother52

She didn't consider us at all and has frequently called me a 'sheep' for following guidelines. Easy for her to say being 28 and healthy with no underlying health conditions but doesn't seem to think about others that aren't in that fortunate position.

Really not sure what to do, neither me nor my husband is vulnerable and I don't want to miss out on Christmas with my granddaughter etc. She's 7 so at that lovely age where Christmas is still magical.

However, I don't agree with my daughters actions and want her to consider others and feel by just ignoring it will be condoning her behaviour.

@oblada that's a good idea, though don't you have to be having symptoms to get the test? And would it be likely results would be back for Christmas if she got a test tomorrow? Is there an option to pay if you aren't showing symptoms?

Not sure how it is in your area but here (near Manchester) we have plenty of rapid test centres for asymptomatic ppl and the result is within an hour. Alternatively yes she can book one privately with same day results - she should be able to do that tomorrow. It's about 200quids though.

I wouldn't feel safe around someone who'd been living with someone who'd just left London.

It's not your fault, its hers.

As she's got no symptoms she wouldn't get a test and she wouldn't get the results back by Christmas Day (and that would rely on her actually taking the test and being honest about the results).

She doesn't seem to be showing you any respect, but expecting you will fall in with that she wants.

I'm a stubborn cow but I'd say no on the basis that it indulges her covid denier tendancies.

If you're not in the vulnerable category then I'd want my daughter and granddaughter to come. So I think yabu personally.

How irresponsible and inconsiderate of your daughter. A test won’t do anything, she could be carrying it but not yet positive and currently tests are taking days to come back. It’s up to you what you decide to do, I wouldn’t think you unreasonable to cancel and give her what for though.

my husband doesn't agree with her behaviour and attitude but equally wants them with us at Christmas so says the decision is really mine
So he doesn't want to be the bad guy and is leaving it all to you?

She's got tomorrow to get some shopping in.

@jacks11 yes, I did know there was a degree of risk and she was very vocal about how 'ridiculous' the rules are, can't trust politicians, this is a way to control the masses - lol. My granddaughter has also been at school so of course I knew there was a degree of risk there also.

However, other than really going to the shops for her shopping she has been following the rules because there has been no one to break them with as her friends here are following the rules. So she has basically been sat in the house moaning about the rules and how she doesn't agree with them yet still following them, until this recent situation obviously. She does wear mask also at the shops.

It's the fact that her friend lives in central London and has not been following the rules in London at all and took numerous forms of transport to get to Scotland is what I am worried about. I'd be really surprised if he hadn't picked it up on the way.

Oh fgs
Just let her come. You are cutting off your nose to spite your face otherwise. Could you really leave your daughter and granddaughter alone with no Christmas dinner etc?

This whole thing is bonkers. It is making people forget their humanity.

She needs to get a fast test, then she can come. It's her own fault.

Dollywilde
I totally agree with you.
I couldn’t give a crap about the rules, only about the risk.
I followed the rules to the letter during the first lockdown though.
I have also had covid but that was caught at work where I was following the rules as well as I could while doing my job and I only passed it on to my husband.