Daughter has broken lockdown rules and meant to come to my house for Christmas.

[concernedmother52]

My daughter is a 28 year old single mum, she's 3rd year uni which is all online and is thoroughly fed up with lockdown (aren't we all!?)

We live in Scotland, tier 3 currently, tier 4 after Christmas. The plan for Christmas Day was that my daughter and granddaughter would join us for the day.

However, she has just openly admitted to me that her friend who lives in London who travelled from there to spend Christmas Day with his folks has been staying at her house the past two nights.

I am livid because London is very bad with the virus at the moment and all the transport her friend has been on!

She claims she is no longer letting the government control how she lives her life and that during the first lockdown her mental health took a dip (which I am aware of). She is struggling with online learning and not having much social interaction. She claims that it is her own risk whether she catches the virus.

I said I would need to have a word with my husband before deciding if she can come on Christmas Day, she hung up on me.

I'm so mad because it means missing out on our granddaughter as well and she will have nothing in the house organised for a Christmas Day meal and it makes me sad thinking of her and her daughter in the house just having a normal lunch/dinner.

AIBU if I let her come to our house?

I'd be inclined to say yes, just because of how you think Christmas will be for your grand daughter otherwise.

It was staying at her house, sharing bathrooms, kitchens etc. Not having lunch or a coffee somewhere. YANBU if you say no.

[quote cariadlet]@AcornAutumn I can see why it seems wrong to lie but dp had been in the same room as his cousin (although he says they were more than 2m apart).

Dp's 90 year old mum is coming to us for Christmas Day and we worried that he might be an asymptomatic carrier and pass the virus on to her. I think that's good grounds for getting a test but he couldn't get one without lying about having symptoms. [/quote]
I’m just surprised because that absolutely seems like criteria to get a free test, it was on the list when I got one but that was a while ago.

Well she has text - 'can you please let me know if me and granddaughter are still coming to your house on Christmas as if not I will need to make alternative arrangements'.

I replied asking her what she thinks I should do and she said stick to the plans.

I think I'm going to have them over and just try and keep my distance and lots of windows open.

Thank you for all your opinions. I appreciate it.

Windows and doors open
Sit not facing each other to eat
For presents you could be outside or one out, one behind window, if it’s hard to distance from your grand daughter.

We are doing all these things meeting the grandparents because the kids have been in school and we’ve been at work. This is the last chance before lockdown.

I wouldn't not have my daughter and granddaughter round on Christmas Day. I think the scaremongering has gone too far now. You could get it any time from anyone unless you are completely staying in the house and not even nipping out to the shop.unless you're high risk I would have her over in a heartbeat

she needs to get a test done - you can get one privately I think £190 - some Harley Street clinics offer these I think. Results back after a couple of hours.

Of course she should come over.
The seven year old has been in school. What difference does one more adult in the mix make?
I'm in London and I can promise you we are not all dropping like flies.

I think you are being VV unreasonable and paranoid, considering you are not yourself vulnerable.

Why would you spoil your dgd's Christmas? Your DD mental health Is incredibly important.

totally selfish. I made the decision a couple of weeks ago that I would not host family from London. It caused some tensions with local family but we came up with a compromise that family members in their 20's would host the London family and we would not have a big get-together.

Now the London family are staying put - but we are not doing a joint Christmas because the younger family members have been more socially active than we have and understand that we should not be mixing as we are SE and the new variant is rampant.

Stand firm. You are at greater risk than your dd and should not risk your life and well being because of her stupidity. my friend's dh has died of covid, my dd's friend's dad is in a coma, I know three people suffering from long covid. This is not trivial.

I'd have her for the day I think and just be really careful. I get why you're worried if you're a bit older and also overweight. I am too btw, so no judgement on that score! I actually wouldn't want her to sleep in my house though. But it's difficult for me to imagine having an adult dd, so maybe in reality, I wouldn't care.

I'd think carefully before I asked to be her support bubble, since she seems to be completely against any of the restrictions. That is fine if that's what she chooses, but I think she probably wouldn't be someone I'd bubble with. Does she have any sort of support network with her dd? What about the dd's dad etc? Does he ever have the dd to stay or anything? I'd be worried about her being so isolated, but that isn't going to be helped by you getting ill. And if she is as bullish about the restrictions as it seems, then I'd be a bit worried about being her close contact and support network.

Could you discuss it and explain why you're concerned and if she needs support then could you bubble but be quite good about sticking to the rules from now on sort of thing? I imagine not, if she thinks sticking to the rules is nonsense! Covid is worse than politics. My family and I all agree on politics anyway and I can get by with people who have different views to mine on politics. But covid is actually worse I think!

I was a single mum and at uni around this age. I think I may be the only person to sympathise with your daughter. It can be desperately lonely trying to cope with everything alone so I can see why she has sought some company. I don't know what I'm trying to say here. Just that I understand her actions to some degree.

she didnt just put herself at risk though

she put her daughter and now you and her dad at risk of catching it

Yes, have confirmed Christmas Day is fine, said we will keep our distance, windows open etc and will do what others have suggested. Have reiterated that we won't be discussing Covid on Christmas Day and she has agreed. Husband is happy and I feel better so I feel like I have made the right decision.

Obviously it’s your choice and you need to do what you feel comfortable with but if my daughter had been struggling with her mental health there is no way I’d be leaving her to spend Xmas day on her own.

I also think that a lot of posters on mumsnet at the moment are very blasé about falling out with family members, particularly their own children. Maybe she will learn her lesson and eventually feel you were right or maybe this will cause permanent damage to your relationship. I know if my mum did this I’d find it hard to forgive and I’m very close to her.

Oh yeah should mention they won't be staying over night, they are 15 minute drive from us and daughter will drive over and drive home at night.

I'm 55 and not the slightest bit concerned. Have 3 teens/yp and although we don't have anyone round or socialise ourselves, what they do is their business, and they have been careful but not to the extent of avoiding all interaction outside the home. If your DD had a front facing job she would be more at risk than she is with one o ernight visitor.

@TheDailyMailIsAFilthyRag yes, her daughter goes to her dads two nights one week and three nights the next. The co parent very well so she does have support from him however she struggles more when her daughter is at her dads as she has said for those three days she may not have any social interaction at all in person with someone else. She likes having her daughter as it keeps her busy and is some company.

Yeah, I think we will have to come up with an arrangement for support bubble as she is clearly struggling.

She seems to have only focused on herself here, she hasn't paid any mind to the risk to you. That's fine, but she has to accept the consequences of that decision and therefore I wouldn't be overly concerned with what her alternative plans are - she will need to work that out

That sounds like a good plan.

Have a lovely day.

I think this is absolutely selfish and horrible of your daughter. She knew what the arrangement was and she decided her desire to see her friend was more important than the risk to your health.

My opinion is coloured by living in the States. People decided to mix at Thanksgiving for exactly the same reasons: they were tired of covid, they wanted to see family, they thought the rules were stupid. Since then, the numbers have shot up, helped along by cold weather.

I would never, ever have done that to my parents. She is forcing you to take a risk that you very clearly did not want to take. She broke the rules, and now you are the baddy if you don't let her run roughshod. It's so abominably shitty of her. I really hope you and your family are well.

She sounds like a stoppy teenager, not a grown women with a child!!! I'm unsure why you'd feel the need to 'drop her off food' because she has compromised you all and can't/wont shop herself? Also confused why she isnt already in your bubble if she is single?

Im glad you got it sorted anyways though.

Your granddaughter has been at school and around her dad

She was already a risk

It’s awful, but she should not come to your home.

A test won’t help, she could incubate it for ages yet and will rest negative in the meantime which is why they don’t advise testing without symptoms as it tells you very little that you can rely on.

Don’t let her come, she’s 28 but acting like a 5 year old. If there are no consequences she’ll carry on behaving like a twat.