Daughter has broken lockdown rules and meant to come to my house for Christmas.

[concernedmother52]

My daughter is a 28 year old single mum, she's 3rd year uni which is all online and is thoroughly fed up with lockdown (aren't we all!?)

We live in Scotland, tier 3 currently, tier 4 after Christmas. The plan for Christmas Day was that my daughter and granddaughter would join us for the day.

However, she has just openly admitted to me that her friend who lives in London who travelled from there to spend Christmas Day with his folks has been staying at her house the past two nights.

I am livid because London is very bad with the virus at the moment and all the transport her friend has been on!

She claims she is no longer letting the government control how she lives her life and that during the first lockdown her mental health took a dip (which I am aware of). She is struggling with online learning and not having much social interaction. She claims that it is her own risk whether she catches the virus.

I said I would need to have a word with my husband before deciding if she can come on Christmas Day, she hung up on me.

I'm so mad because it means missing out on our granddaughter as well and she will have nothing in the house organised for a Christmas Day meal and it makes me sad thinking of her and her daughter in the house just having a normal lunch/dinner.

AIBU if I let her come to our house?

@tillyandmilly

she needs to get a test done - you can get one privately I think £190 - some Harley Street clinics offer these I think. Results back after a couple of hours.

She’s in Scotland! I’m pretty fatalistic about this now, I reckon we’ll all get it at some point and I’m not particularly fussed about getting an asymptomatic illness. You’ve made the right call.

*Could you really leave your daughter and granddaughter alone with no Christmas dinner etc?

This whole thing is bonkers. It is making people forget their humanity.*

This.

I think this is absolutely selfish and horrible of your daughter. She knew what the arrangement was and she decided her desire to see her friend was more important than the risk to your health.

This isn't quite true though is it

She made her mum aware of her rule breaking and texted her asking if she was still coming Xmas day or needed to make alternative arrangements. What she actually did was decide her desire to see her friend was more important than the guarantee of seeing her parents Xmas day. She's been fully transparent with what she's done. Now it's up to OP is the risk is too much to her or not.

Not to have your daughter and granddaughter on Christmas day, to leave them on their own , when your daughter is lonely, isolated and struggling with her mental health. Well. Words fail me.

How could you be so uncaring. There are other risks than Covid you know. People have lost all sense of proportion.

No point suggesting a test this late stage, they are taking longer to come back, my daughter was tested yesterday morning and no results yet.

The op has already said she is having her dd over. Don't get your knickers in a twist .

I mean, it really is a bit rich, people on here banging on about "WHERE IS YOUR HUMANITY???!!! SHRIEK SHRIEK IT'S CHRISTMAS SHRIEK!!!" while they are so salivating over the prospect of sticking the boot in to the op that they can't even be arsed to read the damn thread. If anyone is a bit twisted and vindictive here, it really isn't the op.

Hope you have a lovely day op and sort something with bubbles. But you aren't unreasonable at all to consider your own health as well. I do think you've made the right choice to host her though, as I would too in your shoes.

@oblada

Ask her to get tested before coming? Otherwise no YANBU, it's your own risk assessment entirely.

There would be absolutely no point getting her tested. She can incubate COVID for at least 10 days following contact with a positive case, not saying her friend is positive because we don’t know.

I personally would not take the risk but then I speak to people/relatives everyday who do not know where they caught it because they have only been to abc, or seen who knows who....but they weren’t positive so god know where I/they caught it. It’s particularly hard to listen to the ones that are struggling to breath.

OP i personally wouldn’t risk it sorry..

It’s really nice that you are just going to let them come and not change plans, GD can enjoy Christmas altogether etc. You’re being very kind and putting her first really.

I actually think your daughter is being massively unreasonable here. I wouldn’t DARE take this risk with my own parents. I am already worried about Xmas day interaction and I’m pretty careful and keep my contact and interactions to the bare minimum (socially distanced supermarket shop etc).

The thing is she does end up passing it to you or your husband how will she feel? Mortified and ashamed. She’s being so unreasonable firstly by letting him stay (assuming it wasn’t an emergency situ) and secondly by not having a test to at least try and rule out or minimise risk.

You sound very caring and you’re not unreasonable to worry - if there truly were nothing to worry about then London and the SE wouldn’t be on sodding lockdown would they.

If my parents used a decision I made badly-in a time I’ve openly informed them I’m struggling mentally against me, after trusting them enough to confide, I’d be done with them. Your previous posts suggest it’s out of character and she’s struggling-sounds to me she needs help and support not punishing

You do sound lovely op.

Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT, under any circumstances listen to some of the nastier posts on here or take them to heart. You sound like a lovely mum. I sympathise with your dd and expect she isn't thinking straight and is desperate for company, which is just awful.

But I can't imagine putting my mum at risk. My mum died at Christmas, before I had my dcs. It is a lot harder raising kids with no mum than not having her around for one Christmas I can tell you.

But I do think you've made the right choice. Chances are you'll be fine and you'll just have to socially distance.

21:27ChristmasCovid - where have you got that from? Rapid PCR tests are being deployed exactly for that purpose, effectively testing. It is not perfect but definitely pretty good. That's what airlines are also asking for some countries. Definitely not pointless.

Apologies-It didn’t load the last page of comments where you said you had said they could still come. I hope you all have a lovely day

Please remember that by breaking the rules you put yourself at risk of DYING!!!

If you catch Covid and are so ill that you are admitted to hospital you risk KILLING the nurses, doctors and other NHS staff who look after you.

If these people DIE, there will be NO ONE qualified left to look after YOU, or your Grandparents, Mum, Dad, Sister, Brother, Son or Daughter.

Our doctors and nurses, cannot be easily replaced. So please DON'T TAKE RISKS, and OP please don't see your daughter or granddaughter. She has been foolish and selfish, please don't turn a blind eye, unless you're another one prepared to blame others but not yourself.

@oblada

21:27ChristmasCovid - where have you got that from? Rapid PCR tests are being deployed exactly for that purpose, effectively testing. It is not perfect but definitely pretty good. That's what airlines are also asking for some countries. Definitely not pointless.

It’s absolutely not perfect.. the daughter has been in contact with a friend in the past 2 days she ‘could’ be incubating the virus and still test negative. Plus the rapid tests are not particularly accurate.

I would let her come.

No question.

She has put you in a terrible position and once again relinquished herself of responsibility.

I agree with a pp re testing, there is no point. My colleague didn't test positive until 13 days after contact with a positive case.

Its obviously your choice and I understand how difficult it is because of your GD but its one day. What happens if your or your DH die? I may sound dramatic but in this past week I've known a 38 year old, 52 year old and 57 year old who have died. All healthy people, average weight etc so these people who state you should have her over if neither of you are vulnerable are wrong.

This whole thing is bonkers. It is making people forget their humanity
Yes

@arevioletsreallyblue

I think this is absolutely selfish and horrible of your daughter. She knew what the arrangement was and she decided her desire to see her friend was more important than the risk to your health.

This isn't quite true though is it

She made her mum aware of her rule breaking and texted her asking if she was still coming Xmas day or needed to make alternative arrangements. What she actually did was decide her desire to see her friend was more important than the guarantee of seeing her parents Xmas day. She's been fully transparent with what she's done. Now it's up to OP is the risk is too much to her or not.

I suppose you're right. I was reacting to the fact that she hung up on her mother when the OP said she'd have to consult before having her over. That seemed to me like she assumed it would be fine and that the OP would take the risk she obviously didn't want to take.

OP, I wish you all the best for Christmas, I really do. I'm reacting from a very particular perspective, and I hope that all goes well for you.

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard

Please remember that by breaking the rules you put yourself at risk of DYING!!!

If you catch Covid and are so ill that you are admitted to hospital you risk KILLING the nurses, doctors and other NHS staff who look after you.

If these people DIE, there will be NO ONE qualified left to look after YOU, or your Grandparents, Mum, Dad, Sister, Brother, Son or Daughter.

Our doctors and nurses, cannot be easily replaced. So please DON'T TAKE RISKS, and OP please don't see your daughter or granddaughter. She has been foolish and selfish, please don't turn a blind eye, unless you're another one prepared to blame others but not yourself.

I think you’ve forgotten to take your pills.

Unless I was at very high risk if I caught Covid, there is absolutely no way that I would leave my grand daughter with a feckless mother who couldn't even arrange Christmas Dinner

If your DD's mental health is not great, that may have led to sub-optimal decision making.

Some of the posts on here - OMG. Humanity weeps

@peapotter

Windows and doors open Sit not facing each other to eat For presents you could be outside or one out, one behind window, if it’s hard to distance from your grand daughter.

We are doing all these things meeting the grandparents because the kids have been in school and we’ve been at work. This is the last chance before lockdown.

Easier to phone.

It’s going to be very cold on the day in London at least.

@Gobbolinothewitchscat

Unless I was at very high risk if I caught Covid, there is absolutely no way that I would leave my grand daughter with a feckless mother who couldn't even arrange Christmas Dinner

If your DD's mental health is not great, that may have led to sub-optimal decision making.

Some of the posts on here - OMG. Humanity weeps

Struggling with MH due to months of isolation doesn't make anyone 'feckless'. She quite clearly said to OP that she'd sort something else out for Xmas dinner if she couldn't come over. Maybe have a little compassion. Or are you always this ableist and dismissive of mental health?

... but no one can come from England. My parents won't be seeing their only grandchild as they're in England and I'm in Scotland.

Sorry, I feel I should add, my daughter is not a 'feckless mother', she is a superb mum and I have absolutely no concerns on that regard.

Yes I think she behaved selfishly and irresponsibly, however, this thread is not about her parenting. I'm assuming when she text asking whether she was to make alternative arrangements that that would have been an impromptu visit to the supermarket tomorrow to get whatever she could to cook a Christmas dinner for her and my granddaughter.

Thank you to everyone especially the kind comments. I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and stay safe and here's hoping that 2021 is a lot brighter for us all.

@Rockpooler

She has valued the friendship over her relationship with her mum and dad (why on earth is she letting a friend stay ?). Had you been my mum and dad I would have been isolating for the last week at least to make my visit as safe as possible. She has shown she doesn't care - I'm not surprised that it hurts.

This