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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter has broken lockdown rules and meant to come to my house for Christmas.

204 replies

concernedmother52 · 23/12/2020 19:43

My daughter is a 28 year old single mum, she's 3rd year uni which is all online and is thoroughly fed up with lockdown (aren't we all!?)

We live in Scotland, tier 3 currently, tier 4 after Christmas. The plan for Christmas Day was that my daughter and granddaughter would join us for the day.

However, she has just openly admitted to me that her friend who lives in London who travelled from there to spend Christmas Day with his folks has been staying at her house the past two nights.

I am livid because London is very bad with the virus at the moment and all the transport her friend has been on!

She claims she is no longer letting the government control how she lives her life and that during the first lockdown her mental health took a dip (which I am aware of). She is struggling with online learning and not having much social interaction. She claims that it is her own risk whether she catches the virus.

I said I would need to have a word with my husband before deciding if she can come on Christmas Day, she hung up on me.

I'm so mad because it means missing out on our granddaughter as well and she will have nothing in the house organised for a Christmas Day meal and it makes me sad thinking of her and her daughter in the house just having a normal lunch/dinner.

AIBU if I let her come to our house?

OP posts:
Shaniac · 23/12/2020 20:28

Sorry but you are aware your daughters been struggling with her mental health so has had one friend stay and has followed all the other rules and you want to deny her and your granddaughter a family christmas to teach her a lesson?

Fucking wow.

Unsure33 · 23/12/2020 20:28

@CrazyCatLazy

Well said .

Lovemusic33 · 23/12/2020 20:28

[quote Unsure33]@Lovemusic33

Do you actually listen to the advice ? One in three have NO symptoms. You should treat everyone you meet as if they have it .

Yes the risk is low. But my niece worked at a covid safe office and has just bought it back to her mother father brother and Nan.

She was asymptomatic.[/quote]
Of course I bloody do, it’s all I ever read but for me my DD’s mental health would trump any advice or rules.

Rockpooler · 23/12/2020 20:29

She has valued the friendship over her relationship with her mum and dad (why on earth is she letting a friend stay ?). Had you been my mum and dad I would have been isolating for the last week at least to make my visit as safe as possible. She has shown she doesn't care - I'm not surprised that it hurts.

Leah2005 · 23/12/2020 20:29

@Unsure33 I'm in a small town in Warwickshire

arevioletsreallyblue · 23/12/2020 20:29

She's made her choice, now you get to make yours. If you decide the risk is too great then uninvite her.

However alll your talk about wanting to show her 'actions have consequences' is just cutting off your nose to spite your face at this point. She's an adult with a child herself, yet you're talking about her like she's still a child herself. If you don't want to see her because you really think it's too risky then she may be annoyed but she'll have to accept it. If you're only not seeing her to punish her then I think she'd have every right to be annoyed with you.

It's your decision to make OP but think about WHY you're making that decision. Are you genuinely worried (fair enough) or just being petty to try and punish her?

maddening · 23/12/2020 20:30

She could get a covid test at boots for £120, it would the cost of her "not being controlled" and "her own risk" of catching the virus with your right to reduce the risk of catching the virus. She should pay as she is the one playing cavalier with everyone's health.

blackcurrantjam · 23/12/2020 20:30

Omg Christmas is not the time to be 'teaching someone a lesson'
Do you have cardio blood issues? Diabetic? Or any of the other factors that make you vulnerable? If not then if it were my daughter, I'd say absolutely come and I'd take some extra vitamin c and take my chances.

Unsure33 · 23/12/2020 20:31

The thing is the control by government argument does not even make sense . Why would any government deliberately decimate the businesses that bring in taxes .

The first rule of economics is full employment . And this is happening all over the world. As if it’s some kind of collusion it’s laughable .

Original poster
concernedmother52 · 23/12/2020 20:31

@whatwedontknow I think it's a bit of both to be honest. Although I have no underlying health conditions I am overweight and so I worry about that and how Covid will affect me. And I also just think she has been totally selfish.

I must add this is not like my daughter, she is very kind hearted and we agree on a lot of things and are very close - I think why she felt so comfortable to share she had had her friend to stay. However, I just find her behaviour totally selfish.

She's not in a bubble with anyone, she has struggled with her mental health this year. She is very introverted but even she has admitted she is struggling with the lack of social interaction. Her grades in uni have also not been too good this year and she puts a lot of pressure on herself and is finding online really difficult to stay motivated. I know I need to take all these factors into consideration as I don't want her to go downhill mentally.

OP posts:
Tal45 · 23/12/2020 20:32

Having a friend up from London where there is a new strain of Covid running wild is about as selfish and irresponsible as it gets if you ask me. That sort of behaviour is a big part of why we are in such a mess. I would say no on principal because she sounds like a spoilt and selfish child who still needs to learn lessons that she should have learnt long ago.

Unsure33 · 23/12/2020 20:32

@maddening

That’s interesting. I would buy the test as a Christmas present 🙂

blackcurrantjam · 23/12/2020 20:33

Then let her come

Y a most Def b u if you do not let her come and if you were my mother id find that very hard to take

Oliv5 · 23/12/2020 20:33

Could you socially distance? I don't know what I'd do.
I'm in the same situation as your daughter- age, uni student all online, single parent, same tier in Scotland. It's been so lonely and depressing, I wouldn't turn down the opportunity to have a friend stay. It seems selfish but I completely understand.

Tal45 · 23/12/2020 20:35

Why isn't she be in a bubble with you?

InFiveMins · 23/12/2020 20:36

So she was struggling with her mental health which is why she saw a friend. Mental health is so important - by not seeing her at Christmas you could push her over the edge. Mental health is a lot more serious than COVID. I would consider the risk to be low - its one friend. How is your daughter normally - as in, is she normally sensible and responsible? If so, I would trust her judgement and proceed with seeing her at Christmas.

I couldn't imagine not having my daughter round for Christmas, whatever the circumstances.

Pinkyandthebrainz · 23/12/2020 20:37

I really don't see the issue. Very dramatic.

christinarossetti19 · 23/12/2020 20:38

You say that this 'is not like you daughter'. That does sound as though she was really desperate for some company tbh. Not throwing caution into the wind, but just wanting a bit of normality.

That I can understand. It was also right and good of her to tell you in advance of her visiting.

If she can get a test and results tomorrow that might save the day, although there's a small chance that she has it but it doesn't show up on a test as it's still incubating.

If you really don't feel comfortable with her visiting, then long Facetime, dropping off presents for dgd and lunch for both of them it is. Maybe a socially distanced walk with masks if weather is decent enough.

I think the thing for all of you is to still make an 'event' of Christmas day, in whatever way feels safe and possible.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 23/12/2020 20:39

It's not about cutting off your nose to spite your face and it's not about teaching her a lesson.

It's about 'is it safe'. And with the new strain in london, the cases per 100k and the r rate and her friend taking public transport, I'd say no, it's not safe. Yea she has a child in primary school but if its anything like around me its extremely well managed and bubbles are tightly controlled and it's not been spreading there.

This is not about you wanting to see her. This is about not exposing yourself to something that could make you very unwell. She is perfectly welcome to assess her own risk (well she isnt really but let's say she is) but she is not welcome to assess the risk to you.

MimiDaisy11 · 23/12/2020 20:40

It is quite selfish of her but perhaps I'm soft but I wouldn't cancel Christmas to teach her a lesson. Though of course, the other reason to cancel is a risk to health which is the most important. You say you don't have any health issues so it's up to you to decide that.

I do hate people who use the argument that they can decide the risks for themselves and don't need the government telling them. Which of course completely misses the point that it's not just them it will affect.

cariadlet · 23/12/2020 20:40

@AcornAutumn I can see why it seems wrong to lie but dp had been in the same room as his cousin (although he says they were more than 2m apart).

Dp's 90 year old mum is coming to us for Christmas Day and we worried that he might be an asymptomatic carrier and pass the virus on to her. I think that's good grounds for getting a test but he couldn't get one without lying about having symptoms.

Phineyj · 23/12/2020 20:41

Sounds like she's local to you? Drop a couple of Christmas dinners and the presents on the doorstep and video call your GD. You won't be the only ones. Nice that your GD is still suggestible. My DD (same age) has dropped all pretence of believing in Santa. She referred to 'leaving out the half-eaten carrot' tomorrow night.

whatwedontknow · 23/12/2020 20:42

I would be pissed off too. But if it’s out of character perhaps she really needed some company. Could she not form a bubble with you so that you could support her and see your DGD?

BluebellsGreenbells · 23/12/2020 20:42

She claims that it is her own risk whether she catches the virus

That’s true. But she has no consideration for those around her and increasing their risk of catching it.

Those saying it’s only ‘one’ friend ... one case locally spread to 9 others all isolated and shut the spread down. Imagine if that original person had been selfish and carried on as normal and not isolated?

It spreads that quick.

overnightangel · 23/12/2020 20:43

“She has frequently called me a 'sheep' for following guidelines“

Oh great so not only is she self centred and willing to put you at risk she’s rude and an idiot too

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