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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter has broken lockdown rules and meant to come to my house for Christmas.

204 replies

concernedmother52 · 23/12/2020 19:43

My daughter is a 28 year old single mum, she's 3rd year uni which is all online and is thoroughly fed up with lockdown (aren't we all!?)

We live in Scotland, tier 3 currently, tier 4 after Christmas. The plan for Christmas Day was that my daughter and granddaughter would join us for the day.

However, she has just openly admitted to me that her friend who lives in London who travelled from there to spend Christmas Day with his folks has been staying at her house the past two nights.

I am livid because London is very bad with the virus at the moment and all the transport her friend has been on!

She claims she is no longer letting the government control how she lives her life and that during the first lockdown her mental health took a dip (which I am aware of). She is struggling with online learning and not having much social interaction. She claims that it is her own risk whether she catches the virus.

I said I would need to have a word with my husband before deciding if she can come on Christmas Day, she hung up on me.

I'm so mad because it means missing out on our granddaughter as well and she will have nothing in the house organised for a Christmas Day meal and it makes me sad thinking of her and her daughter in the house just having a normal lunch/dinner.

AIBU if I let her come to our house?

OP posts:
Original poster
concernedmother52 · 23/12/2020 20:17

@OrigamiOwl yes basically, it's always been that way. He's good cop, I'm bad cop.

OP posts:
cariadlet · 23/12/2020 20:19

I'd recommend that she lies about having symptoms to get a test. Dp did this after seeing his cousin who later tested positive (dp didn't have symptoms but neither did his cousin; dp wasn't contacted by track and trace so couldn't get a test without lying).

strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 20:20

I would be more concerned that her mental health was bad last time. there are other things that matter besides COVID. it's of course up to you but people are really struggling. we all have to do what we think is right - if you feel uncomfortable with them coming then that's understandable.

Original poster
concernedmother52 · 23/12/2020 20:20

@lockedownloretta no, it really upsets me but also at 28 years old I feel she needs to understand that actions have consequences. She can have these outlandish opinions - fine but with that comes consequences.

I would never leave them without dinner. I would drop them a few cooked Christmas dinners on the doorstep if it comes to that.

OP posts:
Piwlyfbicsly · 23/12/2020 20:20

I think you have to teach her a lesson. My acquaintance is like this. WFH and really fed up (completely understand) and breaking the rules with play dates and going to the shop while she’s supposed to be isolating. However she fully expects schools to be open for her children and just refuses any responsibility

AcornAutumn · 23/12/2020 20:20

On one level, I’m with her and very relieved to hear common sense.

But your house, your rules. If you don’t want her to come, she has to accept that.

Equally, if she doesn’t want to come and worry about distancing, I think that’s fine too.

She will have fun with her daughter I’m sure.

ScubaSteven · 23/12/2020 20:21

Oh OP, YANBU - I'd be furious with her for compromising you like that. Even if she got a test today and got a negative result back in time it wouldn't account for the incubation period. Previous to the new strain I'd have been a bit less inclined to miss Christmas with her and your granddaughter but the new strains have both shown to be more easily transmissible. That and the fact the visitor came from a tier 4 area would provoke a definite no from me.

Like a PP said, it's not about rules as such and more about risk. I think in this case she's been very selfish and brought a lot of risk upon herself. I'd suggest an alternative Christmas in 10 days time once she has isolated and not caused any further risks.

Bubbles really do rely on mutual respect.

MintyMabel · 23/12/2020 20:21

Sounds like she has never learned about actions having consequences for herself and others. This would be a time to learn that lesson.

She wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near my house. Your granddaughter will still be there when this all dies down, and don’t forget, she’ll have been in school recently so is a risk too.

There’s always next Christmas.

RandomMess · 23/12/2020 20:23

If he'd visited for a few hours that would have been one thing but stayed in the house for 48 hours... I wouldn't be happy Sad

christinarossetti19 · 23/12/2020 20:23

Your dd needs to get a test and you need to speak with your dh re: what level of risk is acceptable to you.

I can completely understand why she did what she did, and she was right to tell you in advance, but it's also understandable if you feel too anxious to have her in your home without having been tested.

whatwedontknow · 23/12/2020 20:23

It depends whether you’re doing this because you’re pissed off and want to prove a point or because you are genuinely concerned that she may contract COVID from her guest and pass it to you.

If it’s the first YABU.

Is she in a bubble with anyone, how isolated is she? My DDs MH would be a consideration. I agree with ventilation.

Lovemusic33 · 23/12/2020 20:23

@lockedownloretta

Oh fgs Just let her come. You are cutting off your nose to spite your face otherwise. Could you really leave your daughter and granddaughter alone with no Christmas dinner etc?

This whole thing is bonkers. It is making people forget their humanity.

I agree with this. The worlds gone crazy and people are falling out over ‘who’s mixed with who’, ‘who’s broken the rules’ and people are treating all people in tier 4 like they have the virus, yes London had high cases but there are way more people without the virus than there is with it.

Your dd has mixed with one person. My dc mix with 100 people when they go to school, I mix with people at work and when I go shopping, we are all taking risks every day unless completely isolating ourselves.

She’s your dd and you want her to spend Christmas alone because she’s mixed with one person from London (who has no covid symptoms)?

Unsure33 · 23/12/2020 20:24

@lockedownloretta

You will say that until your family has it and then I bet you change your tune .

Just go over to one of the nhs threads and repeat what you have said .

blackcurrantjam · 23/12/2020 20:24

Yabu

It's not ideal but she's your daughter
Unless you are clinically extremely vulnerable yabu

Amira19 · 23/12/2020 20:24

Sounds like she could be depressed and her mental health has taken hit, I struggled in the last lockdown and I had my family. I couldn't imagine living far away from family single with a young child and studying. You're healthy 52 year old with no underlying symptoms I think it would be cruel to isolate her further.

ScubaSteven · 23/12/2020 20:24

@lockedownloretta what about the humanity involved in protecting those we love? Doesn't that count for something?

I do see you point, but travelling from London to Scotland?

CrazyCatLazy · 23/12/2020 20:25

I’m 25 and live alone, I have minimised contact as much as possible so I can see my Christmas bubble with as much confidence as I can to be safe for them.
She’s been selfish, I’d uninvite her.

People saying we are sheep for adhering to the rules and saying we shouldn’t be controlled dont seem to see that it’s this constant behaviour that is why it is continuing to prevail and not simmering down.

Covidrelapse · 23/12/2020 20:25

The government advice is for any tier 4 people who have left the area to isolate for 10
Days. If this was a person who was isolating for a known contact that has been staying with OP’s daughter would the advice be the same? It’s reckless behaviour on her daughters part showing no consideration for her parents wellbeing.

Leah2005 · 23/12/2020 20:25

Some counties have rolled out fast flow testing for people without symptoms who may still be positive. You can walk in without an appointment and the result is back within 2 hours messaged directly to you on your mobile phone (mine was back in about 30 minutes)

Unsure33 · 23/12/2020 20:27

@Lovemusic33

Do you actually listen to the advice ? One in three have NO symptoms. You should treat everyone you meet as if they have it .

Yes the risk is low. But my niece worked at a covid safe office and has just bought it back to her mother father brother and Nan.

She was asymptomatic.

SnackySnack · 23/12/2020 20:27

This world really has gone batshit! Turning on your own ? And I must admit you dont talk about her very nicely anyways. No way would I leave my DD and my DGC to have Christmas alone.

Unsure33 · 23/12/2020 20:27

@Leah2005

Is that just big cities ?!

AcornAutumn · 23/12/2020 20:27

@cariadlet

I'd recommend that she lies about having symptoms to get a test. Dp did this after seeing his cousin who later tested positive (dp didn't have symptoms but neither did his cousin; dp wasn't contacted by track and trace so couldn't get a test without lying).
This seems really wrong, lying to get a test.

Also slightly puzzled as when I was tested, being in close contact was a legitimate reason to get one.

Kinneddar · 23/12/2020 20:28

It's the fact that her friend lives in central London and has not been following the rules in London at all and took numerous forms of transport to get to Scotland is what I am worried about

That would be the part that would be the deal breaker for me. With London rates being so high judt now I certainly wouldn't risk it. Its all very well for her to have no regards for the rules but she can't expect you to automatically go along with her decisions.

Id tell her you'll do Christmas in 10 days once you know she's clear from risk.

Shes an adult she knows actions have consequences

AcornAutumn · 23/12/2020 20:28

[quote Unsure33]@Lovemusic33

Do you actually listen to the advice ? One in three have NO symptoms. You should treat everyone you meet as if they have it .

Yes the risk is low. But my niece worked at a covid safe office and has just bought it back to her mother father brother and Nan.

She was asymptomatic.[/quote]
There’s no such thing as Covid safe.

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