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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have called DB out on not proposing?

213 replies

Iamthehedgehogqueen · 21/12/2020 19:40

NC as very outing circumstances.

DB is early 20’s with a GF of about 2 years. They have had a couple of big blow ups (covid played a big part) but otherwise very happy. They live together and own a pet.

GF is from a different culture, higher empathise on marriage and commitment. When GF moved in a fancy engagement ring was bought (DB asked GF to pick it out). DB excitedly shared this news with family. She didn’t push him, it was his choice.

This was months ago. He’s not popping the question any time soon. He states ‘not right timing’, he wants to visit her parents for ‘permission’ (they live a long way away and he doesn’t drive). It’s just obvious he’s not gonna do it any time soon. (Has form for dawdling and talking stuff to death).

GF is frustrated and gets upset.

Today DB brought up wedding venues on the phone and said he would to bring the ring to Christmas dinner to show DH and I.

I snapped a bit and sent him a polite but firm message after to say ‘I think you either need to put the ring on her finger or put it away for a while. You’re enjoying going through the motions of being engaged without actually being and I can understand why it’s causing GF distress. Either propose or stop dangling it in front of her.’

DH agrees with me but Im not often this blunt with DB and he can be pretty sensitive. I worry he’ll take offence.
Honestly though I do get a bit fed up of talking about something that’s hypothetical so much!

I’m also good friends with his GF and like her a lot so feel sorry for her.

OP posts:
positivity123 · 21/12/2020 19:42

I think you were right to call him out on it.

lipsticklovley · 21/12/2020 19:42

I don't think it's your decision with the greatest respect.

LouHotel · 21/12/2020 19:43

Was he honestly going to bring the ring with him to show you in front of his GF? If so YANBU its almost cruel.

RandomMess · 21/12/2020 19:44

What on Earth is he playing at!!

If it's too far to travel to speak to her Dad phone him up.

CruCru · 21/12/2020 19:45

I think your message was fine. Do you think he’s having fun talking about it without actually having to get on with it? It isn’t okay to leave her dangling.

To my way of thinking, a 2 year relationship is not very long, particularly for people in their early twenties (they have years to go). However I don’t think that was the post of your post and only you (and they) can know if it is the right time.

carbhunter · 21/12/2020 19:45

I agree with both pp, it's not your decision but you were right to call him out. He's being annoying and may not realise it. Fingers crossed he takes your message in good spirit

Greenkit · 21/12/2020 19:45

He is in his early 20s, they both have life to live.

Perhaps he bought it and then changed his mind

Original poster
Iamthehedgehogqueen · 21/12/2020 19:45

Yes he was going to bring the ring to Christmas dinner to show me/DH and our parents. With GF there.

I’m not pushing him to propose I just want him to either do it or stop talking about it.
I said ‘it feels a bit mean on GF’ in my message.

OP posts:
Gardeniaofdelights · 21/12/2020 19:45

Yanbu, he’s being a twat and you were right to call him out.

KatieKat88 · 21/12/2020 19:46

Normally I'd say not your place but he's made it your business there and it's downright cruel. I would have said something too.

HotSince63 · 21/12/2020 19:46

My initial thought was that it's none of your business.

But by showing you the ring, discussing timing and banging on about wedding venues to you, he's made it your business. And yes, he needed telling - give her the ring or shut the fuck up.

He was actually going to bring the engagement ring to Christmas dinner to pass it round and show everyone, before he's proposed - I hope to god his GF wasn't coming to dinner too. What a cruel gobshite.

Original poster
Iamthehedgehogqueen · 21/12/2020 19:49

I think there was a bit of an understanding between them that they were getting engaged when she moved in. Hence the ring being bought so quickly after.

They are young but equally I’m mindful that her culture is different to ours and she may now feel a bit mislead about having moved in.

OP posts:
Canwecancel2020 · 21/12/2020 19:49

Surely showing it off to everyone is her prerogative, on her finger.

ComDummings · 21/12/2020 19:49

I agree with others. Usually I’d say ‘mind your business’ but he’s made it your business by his weird behaviour so you were right to call him out on it. Plus if my own sibling was being, frankly, a bit of a dick I’d be honest with them and I’d expect and hope they’d be honest with me if it was me doing something like that.

Plussizejumpsuit · 21/12/2020 19:50

I find it completely bizzar in this day and age that they've bought a ring together effectively agreeing to marry. Yet both are expecting to do the proposal thing. Not only is it cringey and out dated but it makes no sense! They're already engaged in any meaningful sense?!

CheshireDing · 21/12/2020 19:50

You were right to call him out on it, poor girl to be sat there with a ring being passed around but not having been proposed to. Home silly would she have felt, good for you for sticking up for her.

Maybe he will ask and she will say no as she is fed up of it too.

OhCaptain · 21/12/2020 19:51

He’s being quite cruel actually.

Is he generally a bit of a dick? Maybe you should nudge her in the direction of dumping his sorry arse!

HotSince63 · 21/12/2020 19:51

Shock cross posted and seen that the GF was going to be there.

So your brother was going to get the ring out and pass it around to show everyone, in front of his GF, having not yet proposed.

I think your text was very mild tbh. He's nasty.

YakkityYakYakYak · 21/12/2020 19:51

You are right to call him out, the way he’s behaving is really quite cruel to GF.

Sometimes you need your family to tell you when you’re acting like a twat.

Original poster
Iamthehedgehogqueen · 21/12/2020 19:51

100% would not have got involved had he not told us everything. He sent links to the ring online at the time of buying. Called to tell us all about them going to the shop to get it (with her on the call).

He’s involved us so now here I am

OP posts:
Jenifirtree · 21/12/2020 19:52

He is treating her poorly. Having her choose a ring, then buying the ring. Surely asking her to choose the ring is getting engaged?!

Original poster
Iamthehedgehogqueen · 21/12/2020 19:54

I know he’s not intending to be mean. He’s always been like this. Good intentions but slow to take big actions/commitments.

But whether intentional or not I think it’s gone a bit far. I was shocked he would think bringing the ring to Christmas dinner was ok!

OP posts:
contrary13 · 21/12/2020 19:54

"When GF moved in a fancy engagement ring was bought (DB asked GF to pick it out). DB excitedly shared this news with family. She didn’t push him, it was his choice."

So is this an engagement ring she's not allowed to wear, or one of the infamous 'I promise I might marry you one day' rings? Which, again, she's not allowed to wear.

I think that, honestly, your brother's girlfriend might like to stop and have a think about how he's not "the one" for her. And he's never likely to be, either, if he's this cruel about a ring that he asked her to pick out when she moved in. Maybe she should move out again. Is he usually this cruel, controlling and domineering, I wonder?

And yes; I understand why you're frustrated with his behaviour - I would be, too. But, and I mean this kindly, it's not an argument you can insert yourself into the middle of without losing the close relationship you have with your brother.

Fluffyandsilly · 21/12/2020 19:55

You were right. He’s being a nob.
Buying a ring for her then not putting it on her finger is odd. But bringing it to show you all in front of her is just bizzare.
I’m sure there’s an analogy about having his cake and eating it in this situation somewhere.

He needs to get on the phone to her parents for “permission” (if he really must do that) and put the poor girl out of her misery.

jagoda · 21/12/2020 19:55

You sound very domineering. It's not really your business.