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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have called DB out on not proposing?

213 replies

Iamthehedgehogqueen · 21/12/2020 19:40

NC as very outing circumstances.

DB is early 20’s with a GF of about 2 years. They have had a couple of big blow ups (covid played a big part) but otherwise very happy. They live together and own a pet.

GF is from a different culture, higher empathise on marriage and commitment. When GF moved in a fancy engagement ring was bought (DB asked GF to pick it out). DB excitedly shared this news with family. She didn’t push him, it was his choice.

This was months ago. He’s not popping the question any time soon. He states ‘not right timing’, he wants to visit her parents for ‘permission’ (they live a long way away and he doesn’t drive). It’s just obvious he’s not gonna do it any time soon. (Has form for dawdling and talking stuff to death).

GF is frustrated and gets upset.

Today DB brought up wedding venues on the phone and said he would to bring the ring to Christmas dinner to show DH and I.

I snapped a bit and sent him a polite but firm message after to say ‘I think you either need to put the ring on her finger or put it away for a while. You’re enjoying going through the motions of being engaged without actually being and I can understand why it’s causing GF distress. Either propose or stop dangling it in front of her.’

DH agrees with me but Im not often this blunt with DB and he can be pretty sensitive. I worry he’ll take offence.
Honestly though I do get a bit fed up of talking about something that’s hypothetical so much!

I’m also good friends with his GF and like her a lot so feel sorry for her.

OP posts:
Odile13 · 22/12/2020 11:50

I think you were right to say something. You weren’t rude about it but you expressed your opinion on a topic he keeps trying to drag you into (ie a future engagement). I think it’s nice you are looking out for his girlfriend.

NotOfThisWorld · 22/12/2020 12:03

YANBU. Normally I'd say it's none of your business but if he's constantly talking about weddings and showing off the ring to everyone he needs to hurry up and bloody ask her.

MacbookHo · 22/12/2020 12:05

So why doesn't the woman propose and settle the matter one way or the other?

This might be good advice if the Nan had shown himself to be honest and decisive. But as things stand, he’ll just say yes but then stall on a wedding date. It’ll still take months to get the truth out of him.

And some women prefer to wait for a proposal, which is fair enough. But they should have an exit strategy if the wait goes on too long.

This girlfriend should walk. Let him come running if he wants her.

MacbookHo · 22/12/2020 12:06

Man! Not Nan. I’m sure the family’s nans are wonderfully honest snd decisive and wouldn’t put up with a second of this shit. 😆

ErickBroch · 22/12/2020 12:07

YANBU. My DP made it clear he would be proposing and always talked about marriage and then would sometimes try and discuss wedding venues and guests lists with me. I always dismissed it immediately as I found it upsetting/a bit cruel to talk about wedding plans when I'm not even engaged.

Anyway, turns out he was talking about it loads because he was in the process of getting my ring designed so he was excited. Now engaged & happily planning. But I completely get why she is upset.

Thewithesarehere · 22/12/2020 12:10

@MacbookHo

Man! Not Nan. I’m sure the family’s nans are wonderfully honest snd decisive and wouldn’t put up with a second of this shit. 😆
My Nan would have kicked the shit out of any dick like this and would have made sure I don’t live with any of this non-sense. Grin
hedgehogger1 · 22/12/2020 12:12

He's being a wanker, you were right to call him out on it.

FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack · 22/12/2020 12:14

Poor woman, she sound like she's throwing herself away on your brother and it also sounds like she's already made a commitment to live with him that isn't matched by any behaviour he's shown.

Your brother is being cruel to keep waving something he's promised in front of her and not delivering, but with any luck it'll make her realise what she's getting into and she'll get out of it before actually marrying him.

PerveenMistry · 22/12/2020 12:17

@MacbookHo

So why doesn't the woman propose and settle the matter one way or the other?

This might be good advice if the Nan had shown himself to be honest and decisive. But as things stand, he’ll just say yes but then stall on a wedding date. It’ll still take months to get the truth out of him.

And some women prefer to wait for a proposal, which is fair enough. But they should have an exit strategy if the wait goes on too long.

This girlfriend should walk. Let him come running if he wants her.

Ok but if she chooses to passively leave it in hands, she rather loses any standing to play the wronged victim.
nosswith · 22/12/2020 12:19

It's reasonable to me to respond in the way you did, given your awareness of the GFs feelings.

Dontbeme · 22/12/2020 12:34

He’s not exactly ‘self sufficient’ and was pretty dependant on our DM to look after him before meeting GF. She adores him and does an awful lot for him. His quality of life would be vastly worse without her and I don’t think he appreciates that

Ah so that's it then, he wants the comfort and easy life that being with her provides but deep down probably doesn't want to actually marry her. This bizarre display with the ring is an audition of sorts, an audition she will never master because she is not "the one" for him but he has decided she will do for now, with no thought about how this will impact on her future. I would be disappointed that he can be so callous and cruel to be honest.

VettiyaIruken · 22/12/2020 12:41

He made it your business when he chose to tell you all about it and bring the ring for you to see - in front of her FFS, talk about cruel!

I wonder if he'll now claim he was going to propose when they came over but you've ruined it now so it'll wait until he's ready again, and blame you to his girlfriend?

Motnight · 22/12/2020 12:42

Honestly it doesn't sound as though your brother is ready for a proper adult commitment.

Hoghedge10 · 22/12/2020 12:43

It's a worry your brother can be so cruel and calculating tbh.

I know you say its just that he is dragging his heals over the last bit but honestly it sounds like their might be some massive control issues on his part.

The relationship sounds almost abusive...and he sounds like an abusive, controlling man taking everything he can get from her, especially financially from the sound of what you have written.

I'd be disgusted if he was my brother tbh.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 22/12/2020 12:59

I'd be supporting GF to leave him. He's behaving appallingly.

LawnFever · 22/12/2020 15:58

My brother has been with his GF for six years. She’s desperate for him to propose. She confided in me that she was hoping he’d do it on their anniversary this summer. I got the impression she was hoping I’d have a word with him and give him a nudge.

Why on earth doesn’t she just ask him? I find it honestly bizarre in this day and age that fully grown adult women sit about pining that a man will propose Confused

It’s an adult joint decision, she should just ask/tell him/talk about it

MacbookHoHoHo · 22/12/2020 16:13

Why on earth doesn’t she just ask him?

She’s scared he’ll say no, I guess, if she puts him on the spot. He’s expressed reluctance a few times - he even tried to finish with her once - but she wasn’t having it. He’s amazing but lacks confidence. She’s manipulative.

StormTreader · 22/12/2020 16:46

The thing is, once the proposal is done then its done and he stops getting attention for it.
A proposal that's ABOUT to be done though, that's something he can milk for attention for ever.

Vitaminsss · 22/12/2020 16:49

If he’s early 20s there’s no rush to get engaged

But you’re right, he should STFU and stop acting like a marriage is imminent if he’s not ready to propose.

SunshineCake · 22/12/2020 17:01

Maybe he doesn't want to be alone or move back to his mothers but his girlfriend wants commitment and so he is where he is.

Vitaminsss · 22/12/2020 17:07

@SunshineCake that’s definitely what has happened but he shouldn’t be leading her on like this. If he’s not ready, he realistically should break up with her as they want different things.

Bluntness100 · 22/12/2020 17:13

@SunshineCake

Maybe he doesn't want to be alone or move back to his mothers but his girlfriend wants commitment and so he is where he is.
And that’s worse it is using her. And it’s far from ok.
SunshineCake · 22/12/2020 17:22

I wasn't defending him !

In my early 20's I got engaged to my boyfriend who I soon realised did it to shut me up. He wasn't happy when I left him!

Snowy0w1 · 22/12/2020 20:53

YANBU imo. My cousin called out her brother on this. Not exactly the same circumstances but he was 40 odd, and a serial monogamist with a high turnover rate. My cousin his sister, had got to know about 7 women over the last two decades, missed them when they were gone.... he broke up with them all just as they might reasonably have thought that maybe it was serious enough to lead to marriage. She tore a strip off him.

timeisnotaline · 22/12/2020 21:08

My issue is that he’s ran this engaging race to the final hurdle off his own steam, got a lot of attention, time and energy from all of us and is now just standing there refusing to jump the last hurdle but wanting all the attention/excitement/fun that comes with winning the race!
I think you should Refocus your issue to the real problem- he’s a cruel nasty fucker lacking any ability to be considerate of others whose lies and misleading behaviour just to keep himself comfortable have damaged a woman’s life and opportunities, given her community. I’d tell him he’s fucking her over and don’t want to hear a single word until there’s a date and invitations going out. There will be no more celebrating of the about fucking time engagement except to be happy for her that her life isn’t ruined. I wouldn’t have any of this conversation in front of her though! Call him and warn him every time he mentions the ring you will say something like you nasty piece of work stringing a woman along like this, or so is the wedding March? Can we confirm the date?