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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have called DB out on not proposing?

213 replies

Iamthehedgehogqueen · 21/12/2020 19:40

NC as very outing circumstances.

DB is early 20’s with a GF of about 2 years. They have had a couple of big blow ups (covid played a big part) but otherwise very happy. They live together and own a pet.

GF is from a different culture, higher empathise on marriage and commitment. When GF moved in a fancy engagement ring was bought (DB asked GF to pick it out). DB excitedly shared this news with family. She didn’t push him, it was his choice.

This was months ago. He’s not popping the question any time soon. He states ‘not right timing’, he wants to visit her parents for ‘permission’ (they live a long way away and he doesn’t drive). It’s just obvious he’s not gonna do it any time soon. (Has form for dawdling and talking stuff to death).

GF is frustrated and gets upset.

Today DB brought up wedding venues on the phone and said he would to bring the ring to Christmas dinner to show DH and I.

I snapped a bit and sent him a polite but firm message after to say ‘I think you either need to put the ring on her finger or put it away for a while. You’re enjoying going through the motions of being engaged without actually being and I can understand why it’s causing GF distress. Either propose or stop dangling it in front of her.’

DH agrees with me but Im not often this blunt with DB and he can be pretty sensitive. I worry he’ll take offence.
Honestly though I do get a bit fed up of talking about something that’s hypothetical so much!

I’m also good friends with his GF and like her a lot so feel sorry for her.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 22/12/2020 06:22

I just think it's unusual to ask permission to bring the ring to Christmas dinner. Why ask permission unless you think there might be an issue?

He was perhaps, planning a Christmas proposal, and if so OP's completely pissed on that idea.

It's not her business to arrange someone else's proposal.

The couple have been together only two years. He's not been keeping her dangling for an unfair period. A ring was bought earlier this year - a weird year with so much stuff cancelled.

This will be the first chance, and perhaps only chance in months for family together

I think you are completely wrong to have ticked him off (at all, and particularly now)

Sexnotgender · 22/12/2020 06:24

YANBU at all, he’s being cruel and if she has any sense she’ll dump his immature ass.

AuntieStella · 22/12/2020 06:26

Slow typing meant post crossed with OP's last.

I still don't think 2 years into a relationship is unduly slow/footdragging.

And there might be good reasons why he doesn't want to discuss proposals with you, and indeed might want to use diversionary tactics

PleasantVille · 22/12/2020 06:31

What culture is your family that this bizarre ring showing is a thing? I've never heard anything like that before, engagement ring shopping isn't a group actvity or spectator event. It's a very strange way to behave imo, maybe the GF would be best advised to take a step back and consider if she really wants to marry into the family.

Bluntness100 · 22/12/2020 06:51

So he’s bought the ring. But it’s not hers as he’s not proposed? What a weird thing to do. Then he wanted to bring it and show it off at Xmas, with her sitting there, and not give it to her then either?

Honestly that’s so weird. It really is sounding like he’s very immature, and just wants attention . His poor girlfriend.

Sexnotgender · 22/12/2020 07:00

@AuntieStella

Slow typing meant post crossed with OP's last.

I still don't think 2 years into a relationship is unduly slow/footdragging.

And there might be good reasons why he doesn't want to discuss proposals with you, and indeed might want to use diversionary tactics

2 years with no proposal is absolutely fine and normal IF he hasn’t bought the ring and waved it around to all and sundry.
Djouce · 22/12/2020 07:06

@SausagePourHomme

I'd be having a word with her to tell her to think on. He doesn't sound like much of a catch.
This.
MaryLeeOnHigh · 22/12/2020 07:09

I've never understood the concept of agreeing to get engaged anyway. Either you've agreed that you want to marry each other or not, once you have agreed then you are engaged. Your brother has taken it even further than that by talking about wedding venues etc. He's committed one way or another anyway, so he really might as well get on and recognise that fact.

AuntieStella · 22/12/2020 07:11

He hasn't waved it round to all and sundry yet. He is talking about wedding plans and seeing the ring at a Christmas family gathering.

I would have waited to see what happened at the gathering before doing anything.

Because that message now just pisses on any plans he might have had. And waiting a few more days isn't going to matter much in the greater scale of things, if OP really wants to intervene

(But I would still sound a note of caution about meddling in someone else's marital plans, though I suppose siblings can get away with it)

MajorMujer · 22/12/2020 07:14

I think you did the right thing op.

Bluntness100 · 22/12/2020 07:17

Don’t have a word with her, having a word with him is enough.

She’s also not pissing on his plans, he’s made it clear he’s not proposing at Xmas

He sounds like a little boy showing off and attention seeking.

pilates · 22/12/2020 07:27

Take a step back. It’s none of your business.

Dovesandkisses · 22/12/2020 07:29

You were right. He has made it your business by getting you involved- messaging you about the ring etc. I would have the done the same thing with my brother.

Rangoon · 22/12/2020 08:05

I'm afraid if I was your DB's GF I would persuade him to hand it over for a closer look and put it straight down your waste disposal unit before I walked out on him. I'd think I'd done well on not doing something where the ring needed surgical removal. This is so disrespectful there is no coming back from it. I think the GF should be encouraged to give him the boot rather that DB being encouraged to propose. In my view the woman leaves the jeweller's with the ring on her finger with the possible exception of the ring being resized.

CrimsonCattery · 22/12/2020 08:18

YANBU

He needed to be told his behaviour was out of order and cruel. Has he replied?

XjustagirlX · 22/12/2020 08:20

He sounds immature and attention seeking.

I would ask if he was planning to propose on Christmas Day. If not if he got the ring out at the table then the rest of the family should make a big song and dance about not wanting to see it until gf can show is on her finger. That way you are showing support for gf and stopping DB getting the attention he craves.

MrsDoctorDear · 22/12/2020 08:21

I think returning home from having lived with a boy who didn’t marry her would have a much higher impact on her than him.

This is why I said earlier she'll probably persevere with the relationship because she has no other option. She can't go home 'in disgrace'.

He sounds so immature. I sympathise with her but you can't do any more. Unfortunately it's up to her now.

Thegrinchshorriblesister · 22/12/2020 08:26

@RainMoon

That is really mean if him to show you all the ring but she isn’t to have it yet. Quite twisted and controlling behaviour.
Yes I agree with this. I think he has actually really took the shine of the whole thing tbh.
EngelbertsRumpispink · 22/12/2020 08:26

Oh my...
I thought YWBU, up until I read that he hasn't even
given her the ring yet! And she picked it out, knows
about it, and is just waiting?
THEN, he wants to come show it off, in a box, while
DGF there, all bare-fingered?!

Terrible.
I feel sorry for the DGF.
He's your DB, you're allowed to tell him how you feel;
especially as you are taking DGF's feelings into consideration.
Which, he apparently is not doing!

yanbu imo.

Aprilx · 22/12/2020 08:28

From the thread title I was sure I was going to say YABU. And also because he is still very young and a fairly new relationship, in fact it feels too soon to be engaged to me.

But buying the ring with her, him wanting to show it off and talking about venues all whilst not giving her the ring definitely needed a word.

I went shopping with DH for my engagement ring and when we collected it, I took the box, opened it, put ring on, had lunch and went back to work.

MrsToothyBitch · 22/12/2020 08:31

YANBU. It's not unt

e's been very cruel to be so open about buying a ring and waving it around.

Ohalrightthen · 22/12/2020 08:36

I may be being cynical, but it sounds like your brother used the promise of an engagement ring to convince his GF to go against her cultural expectations and move in with him before marriage. And now he's got sex on tap (which could well be making her chances of a relationship with someone else in the future much, much harder, depending on culture) he's wanting to wriggle out of it.

I'd be pretty ashamed of him, tbh. The fact that you called him out on it is a credit to you.

SecretSpAD · 22/12/2020 08:36

If they bought the ring together, why isn’t she just wearing it?

This. That ring would have been on my finger before I left the shop and not removed by anything 😂

I am, however, slightly obsessed with jewellery and it has taken 15 years for me to find an engagement ring I like (as in I married 15 years ago - husband proposed without one as he knew I was fussy!)

SecretSpAD · 22/12/2020 08:38

And 2 years is only a new relationship to people in relationships over a decade long - it's perfectly reasonable to know in that timeframe whether you want to marry someone or not.