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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have called DB out on not proposing?

213 replies

Iamthehedgehogqueen · 21/12/2020 19:40

NC as very outing circumstances.

DB is early 20’s with a GF of about 2 years. They have had a couple of big blow ups (covid played a big part) but otherwise very happy. They live together and own a pet.

GF is from a different culture, higher empathise on marriage and commitment. When GF moved in a fancy engagement ring was bought (DB asked GF to pick it out). DB excitedly shared this news with family. She didn’t push him, it was his choice.

This was months ago. He’s not popping the question any time soon. He states ‘not right timing’, he wants to visit her parents for ‘permission’ (they live a long way away and he doesn’t drive). It’s just obvious he’s not gonna do it any time soon. (Has form for dawdling and talking stuff to death).

GF is frustrated and gets upset.

Today DB brought up wedding venues on the phone and said he would to bring the ring to Christmas dinner to show DH and I.

I snapped a bit and sent him a polite but firm message after to say ‘I think you either need to put the ring on her finger or put it away for a while. You’re enjoying going through the motions of being engaged without actually being and I can understand why it’s causing GF distress. Either propose or stop dangling it in front of her.’

DH agrees with me but Im not often this blunt with DB and he can be pretty sensitive. I worry he’ll take offence.
Honestly though I do get a bit fed up of talking about something that’s hypothetical so much!

I’m also good friends with his GF and like her a lot so feel sorry for her.

OP posts:
JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 21/12/2020 21:04

YANBU. He is being cruel.

RosesAndHellebores · 21/12/2020 21:05

You are more than entitled to feel pissed off with him but to tell him so is the perogative of his gf. It's his girlfriend sho needs to deal with this and do so decisively and maturely. One wonders if she has the choice having gone against the culture of her family?

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2020 21:09

@Iamthehedgehogqueen

Yes he was going to bring the ring to Christmas dinner to show me/DH and our parents. With GF there.

I’m not pushing him to propose I just want him to either do it or stop talking about it.
I said ‘it feels a bit mean on GF’ in my message.

That's a bizarre thing to do!

The only time it should be 'shown off' is when it's on her finger.

I'd be telling him where to keep it if I was her!

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2020 21:11

@SarahBellam

This is absolutely none of your business and you e wildly overstepped the park. He has every right to tell you to fuck away off and get over yourself. You have no idea what their relationship is like, whether he’s getting cold feet, or whether he ever wanted to in the first place.
She was right to tell him not to bring it to show off to everyone when his GF isn't actually wearing it.

He needs to make a decision and stick to it

Fuckitsstillraining · 21/12/2020 21:14

I'm so glad someone else thinks this. I don't understand this 'getting engaged' after buying the ring together, surely the couple are engaged as soon as they agree to marry and buy a ring. My brother did this on his gf's instructions, they bought the ring then went to New York months later for a holiday where he got down on one knee in Central Park and that's when they say they got engaged, load of bull I think. Your brother is very young, I doubt he wants to get married but felt he had to get a ring so they could live together, tell him to buck up or move out.

Redwinestillfine · 21/12/2020 21:17

If he brings the ring just coo over it and say 'congratulations, when's the wedding?'

Christmasfairy2020 · 21/12/2020 21:17

My marriage proposal was.
Me when are we gonna get engaged
Husband - well we have a house and a baby so we sort of are.
Me - when is the wedding?
Husband - whenever

I booked it the next day we got married that summer this convo was jan

Sinful8 · 21/12/2020 21:17

@Redwinestillfine

I don't understand. He bought a ring, she chose it, but they're not engaged?
Maybe they want to do the proposal somewhere romantic not lockdown uk?
Veterinari · 21/12/2020 21:19

@SarahBellam

This is absolutely none of your business and you e wildly overstepped the park. He has every right to tell you to fuck away off and get over yourself. You have no idea what their relationship is like, whether he’s getting cold feet, or whether he ever wanted to in the first place.
It us her business as her brother is continually showing/discussing the ring with her.

If he doesn't want her opinion then he shouldn't show her the ring

If he's changed his mind it got cold fee then he should be having a conversation with his girlfriend not bringing the ring over to show off to his family.

He's being a dick

August20 · 21/12/2020 21:20

In this case YANBU.

But to be honest I am little confused with him- surely if he has asked her to choose an engagement ring then they are pretty well engaged already, surely. There was just no formal proposal - but an engagement doesn't need one to exist.

He needs to either put the ring away or crystallise his intentions by actually giving it to her. Trotting it out at family events is bizarre.

Lookslikerainted · 21/12/2020 21:21

It all sounds bizarre. Maybe he’s just not ready (early 20s is young) you are right in what you said though. Poor GF.

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 21/12/2020 21:21

If he isn't mean then he needs someone to tell him that he's inadvertently acting like an arse. He's making her do a continual pick-me dance to get a proposal after showing her the bloody ring and moving in together. Tbh if I was her friend, I'd be telling her to move back out and reconsider the relationship. He is a sunshine stealer and there is nothing more soul destroying.

CJsGoldfish · 21/12/2020 21:23

I find the whole 'proposal' thing stupid. Surely, if they have a ring, they're planning on getting married. Getting a 'proper' proposal doesn't ensure they end up married anyway. It's all so dumb.

However, your interference is bizarre. I'd NEVER encourage someone so young to get married for a start but, aside from that, your interference is really our of place.

Teddybear27 · 21/12/2020 21:25

He sounds very immature (sorry) and sounds like he wants all the attention. Also, he is not interested in marrying her...

Noranorav · 21/12/2020 21:30

Echoing what others are saying - very bizarre! Does your brother not realise this? The engagement would be at point of 1. Agreeing to get engaged 2. Choosing and buying a ring...any sort of popping the question after that is kind of a moot point?! Will you...? Well yeah, duh!

tiredqueen · 21/12/2020 21:30

Regardless of cultural differences, to buy your gf an engagement ring, not propose but instead want to "show off" the ring to family members is a dick thing to do and I'd have said the same as you.

Your DB is trying to make this about him when actually it's his GFs prerogative to be able to show off HER engagement ring.

Fwiw my Bil did something very similar with his ex one Xmas day. She worked in a jewellers and he paid for a ring that she chose and kept it to the side for them to get engaged. On Xmas day he gave it to her as part of her Xmas present in front of his parents but was keen to say "oh we're not getting engaged yet". It was all about "look what I've bought" with zero commitment.

My BIL is a twat

HighSpecWhistle · 21/12/2020 21:36

Sounds like he's way too immature to be getting married.

SweetLoveOfCod · 21/12/2020 21:40

Fair enough if he wants to wait but it’s weird of him to keep going on about the ring if he’s not actually planning on proposing any time soon, and they’re not yet engaged. He’s taking all the fun out of it, it must be so awkward for his gf. Was ready to say - it’s his life and his business - but actually under the circumstances the text was firm but fair.

SweetLoveOfCod · 21/12/2020 21:41

tiredqueen

“Your DB is trying to make this about him when actually it's his GFs prerogative to be able to show off HER engagement ring.”

Such a good point!

Sally872 · 21/12/2020 21:42

Your response was perfect. What will happen when they do get engaged and everyone has seen the ring, takes all the excitement out of telling people because they know it coming and can even feign interest in seeing the ring. He is being very rude. If he is excited to show off the ring can he not understand how girlfriend would also like to be one to show it.

He might take offense but that is because you are right and he is wrong and sometimes it takes a bit of time to realise/admit that.

MacbookHo · 21/12/2020 21:48

The GF should just move back out until your DB mans up. It’s obvious he bought the ring to trick her parents (and maybe her) into believing cohabitation was a step towards marriage instead of what it has turned into - sex and cleaning.

She doesn’t need you to fight her battles. But if you want to help, lend her the deposit for a flat.

Gncq · 21/12/2020 21:51

If you're in the UK neither of them will be visiting you for Xmas now anyway will they because of the pandemic... So at least you wouldn't have to deal with that scenario if you're in the uk

AlternativePerspective · 21/12/2020 21:51

So to the people saying it’s none of the OP’s business, what do they expect OP to say when he rings up to talk about wedding venues, and says he’s going to bring the ring which he plans to propose with one day and show it to everyone during Christmas dinner while the gf who hasn’t yet been proposed to looks on? “Oh yes, how lovely.”?

If he had just said he wasn’t ready yet and that had been that then I’d agree it wasn’t for the OP to get involved. But by telling her all the above he has involved her, and more to the point, if she tells him how wonderful it all is then from the GF’s perspective he is pulling the OP in on his side which is going to make her feel worse.

He’s an arsehole and if someone kept flaunting their wish to not propose in front of their gf in front of me I’d bloody well have said more than what the OP did, and I’d be sure the GF knew that she wasn’t alone.

Thewithesarehere · 21/12/2020 21:54

It’s incredibly cruel of him to move in with her in her situation and do all this. YANBU at all in calling him out on this.

catsarethebestestanimals · 21/12/2020 21:54

Whose idea was moving in? I'm betting it was his, and that all promises of engagement/ring etc. were to convince GF to go along with it. They're still young and he has no intention of proposing just yet... all fuss he's making is merely to keep up the charade.
As someone who's had wishy-washy BF's before (although not to this level) - when a man wants something done it will be! If he isn't doing it or doesn't have a firm date/plan then he doesn't want to do it, and that's all there is.

I would dearly love to be proven wrong for the sake of the girl...