Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have called DB out on not proposing?

213 replies

Iamthehedgehogqueen · 21/12/2020 19:40

NC as very outing circumstances.

DB is early 20’s with a GF of about 2 years. They have had a couple of big blow ups (covid played a big part) but otherwise very happy. They live together and own a pet.

GF is from a different culture, higher empathise on marriage and commitment. When GF moved in a fancy engagement ring was bought (DB asked GF to pick it out). DB excitedly shared this news with family. She didn’t push him, it was his choice.

This was months ago. He’s not popping the question any time soon. He states ‘not right timing’, he wants to visit her parents for ‘permission’ (they live a long way away and he doesn’t drive). It’s just obvious he’s not gonna do it any time soon. (Has form for dawdling and talking stuff to death).

GF is frustrated and gets upset.

Today DB brought up wedding venues on the phone and said he would to bring the ring to Christmas dinner to show DH and I.

I snapped a bit and sent him a polite but firm message after to say ‘I think you either need to put the ring on her finger or put it away for a while. You’re enjoying going through the motions of being engaged without actually being and I can understand why it’s causing GF distress. Either propose or stop dangling it in front of her.’

DH agrees with me but Im not often this blunt with DB and he can be pretty sensitive. I worry he’ll take offence.
Honestly though I do get a bit fed up of talking about something that’s hypothetical so much!

I’m also good friends with his GF and like her a lot so feel sorry for her.

OP posts:
Wineinthegarden · 21/12/2020 22:09

Even if she gets the engagement ring, if he procrastinates this much will the wedding ever actually happen? I think a chat with her and ask how long she’s prepared to be put on hold...

GenerallyCoping · 21/12/2020 22:09

This sounds like a man who likes the attention surrounding getting engaged and needs the approval of others.

His behaviour isn’t indicative of someone who actually wants to marry his girlfriend...he just wants to be in the limelight himself.

It’s unkind and possibly quite controlling too. What’s he waiting for really?

ktp100 · 21/12/2020 22:12

So he's bought the ring and she knows he's bought the ring but he's just dangling it like a carrot and not actually giving it to her??!!

That's downright cruel!!

What an arse!!

Chocolate1984 · 21/12/2020 22:15

My husband bought my engagement ring 5/6 months before he proposed. We discussed marriage, we picked the ring together. In that time he was showing it to his parents and his sister tried it on before I had. I told people at work he bought a ring but after a couple of months I was embarrassed when people would comment “you still not got the ring yet?”. It took the enjoyment out of everything. When I got engaged it wasn’t even exciting and people wouldn’t comment about the length of tome he took. Your brother is being a dick. It’s a crappy thing to do.

SunshineCake · 21/12/2020 22:22

Is he planning on proposing over Christmas dinner?

Lollypop701 · 21/12/2020 22:25

Major, major idiot. If the gf came on here and described what he had done most people would tell her to ltb. If he’s serious about her her needs to propose ASAP and make it fabulous. Tbh if he’s like this now I wouldn’t bother.

Trackandtrace · 21/12/2020 22:28

Is it possible that due to her culture she doesnt want to wear the ring until he asks her parents?

SantasAnus · 21/12/2020 22:33

He is being cruel. I don't blame you for sting something. I would if it was my brother.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/12/2020 22:35

‘Call him out’? Is this real life or a tenth-rate reality show? Keep your beak out and get on with managing your own life. If I was your brother I’d tell you where to shove your ‘helpful’ advice.

UserEleventyNine · 21/12/2020 22:40

Is it possible that due to her culture she doesn't want to wear the ring until he asks her parents?

Still not on for him to be showing her ring around to his family. As pp have said, that's for her to do, when it's official.

RainMoon · 21/12/2020 22:43

That is really mean if him to show you all the ring but she isn’t to have it yet. Quite twisted and controlling behaviour.

PriceEmUp · 21/12/2020 22:43

I’d hate to be proposed to on the ground my partners sister had a go at him for not doing it.

I’d want him to do it when he’s ready not because he felt like a wounded dog.

Cam2020 · 21/12/2020 22:47

It seems like he's keeping her dangling. He's done something that he thinks will make her happy to keep her, but he's clearly not ready for the commitment (I don't blame him either, he's very young). It's totally unfair of him though, you were right to call him out.

Cam2020 · 21/12/2020 22:49

FWIW, I think he's just young and immature (and should not even be thinking about marriage yet) and not deliberately trying to hurt her. I think it's possible he's trying to convince himself to do it by getting everyone else involved.

Planty13 · 21/12/2020 22:50

Nope YANBU. As a sibling sometimes your allowed to cross certain boundaries and tell people how you really feel.

1forAll74 · 21/12/2020 22:56

It's not really your place,to get involved with this, despite conversations about the ring before. Maybe bringing the ring to show at Christmas, is the time that he will propose to his partner.

MRC20 · 21/12/2020 22:58

Sounds like it needed to be said or she'll take the decision out of his hands at some point.

SausagePourHomme · 21/12/2020 22:59

I'd be having a word with her to tell her to think on. He doesn't sound like much of a catch.

IdblowJonSnow · 21/12/2020 23:00

Hmm, perhaps hes actually intending to propose at xmas and this is all a ruse?! (Hopeful!)

If not he sounds massively insensitive.

Does he actually need the dad's permission? I find that so outdated and offensive.

reginafalange2020 · 21/12/2020 23:00

Yes he's acting very strangely. You were right to say something, he's involved you after all. I'm sure he's a lovely bloke but it does sound like he's a bit clueless and needs things spelling out to him.

LawnFever · 21/12/2020 23:01

I don’t understand how you can, as a couple discuss marriage, pick out and buy a ring together and then expect a separate ‘proposal’ weeks/months/years later Confused

At the point you’ve agreed to get married you’re engaged, it’s done with, just get on with it! Why didn’t she just start wearing the ring when they bought it?

Anything else is just silly imo, it’s not really a proposal anymore because the decision’s already been made

SofiaMichelle · 21/12/2020 23:04

@StillCoughingandLaughing

‘Call him out’? Is this real life or a tenth-rate reality show? Keep your beak out and get on with managing your own life. If I was your brother I’d tell you where to shove your ‘helpful’ advice.
Thank God someone else thinks the same.

'Call him out'?

Why does no one on MN 'challenge' anything?

Confused
LawnFever · 21/12/2020 23:05

@Chocolate1984

My husband bought my engagement ring 5/6 months before he proposed. We discussed marriage, we picked the ring together. In that time he was showing it to his parents and his sister tried it on before I had. I told people at work he bought a ring but after a couple of months I was embarrassed when people would comment “you still not got the ring yet?”. It took the enjoyment out of everything. When I got engaged it wasn’t even exciting and people wouldn’t comment about the length of tome he took. Your brother is being a dick. It’s a crappy thing to do.
Why didn’t you just wear the ring after you’d bought it?

If it was someone I knew I’d just be thinking what are you actually waiting for rather than when are you getting engaged because I’d see the point you got the ring as when you were engaged

NewlyGranny · 21/12/2020 23:05

There was a thread a while back about some DGPs who gave their DGC significant sums as presents and promptly took it out of their hands to 'look after' it so the children had to ask if they wanted to use it and mostly never got it.

I am reminded of that kind of control play here.

You did right to challenge your DB on his behaviour here: who else is better placed to do it?

partyatthepalace · 21/12/2020 23:10

Am bit bemused that she has a ring but they aren’t engaged? Never heard of that.

He is your bro and you are entitled to express your opinion on him dicking about.

But it sounds to me that he doesn’t actually want to get married (maybe he just feels too young for a lifetime commitment?) so maybe it’s more suggesting that he and she have an honest conversation about what they both want, and whether a compromise can be found.

Have to say if they can’t talk honestly that’s not a good sign.