To have called DB out on not proposing?

[Iamthehedgehogqueen]

NC as very outing circumstances.

DB is early 20’s with a GF of about 2 years. They have had a couple of big blow ups (covid played a big part) but otherwise very happy. They live together and own a pet.

GF is from a different culture, higher empathise on marriage and commitment. When GF moved in a fancy engagement ring was bought (DB asked GF to pick it out). DB excitedly shared this news with family. She didn’t push him, it was his choice.

This was months ago. He’s not popping the question any time soon. He states ‘not right timing’, he wants to visit her parents for ‘permission’ (they live a long way away and he doesn’t drive). It’s just obvious he’s not gonna do it any time soon. (Has form for dawdling and talking stuff to death).

GF is frustrated and gets upset.

Today DB brought up wedding venues on the phone and said he would to bring the ring to Christmas dinner to show DH and I.

I snapped a bit and sent him a polite but firm message after to say ‘I think you either need to put the ring on her finger or put it away for a while. You’re enjoying going through the motions of being engaged without actually being and I can understand why it’s causing GF distress. Either propose or stop dangling it in front of her.’

DH agrees with me but Im not often this blunt with DB and he can be pretty sensitive. I worry he’ll take offence.
Honestly though I do get a bit fed up of talking about something that’s hypothetical so much!

I’m also good friends with his GF and like her a lot so feel sorry for her.

I knew a woman once; her brothers had to go and get the groom on the wedding day and frogmarch him to the church. She never knew, it only came out about 5 years after they’d split up.

The marriage was awful. They should’ve let him not turn up.

Whenever anyone’s reluctant to commit, let them not commit! A half-hearted marriage is a horrible thing to endure.

Remind the GF she has options. She probably feels she’s stuck with him now. Help her see that she’s not.

@Snowy0w1

YANBU imo. My cousin called out her brother on this. Not exactly the same circumstances but he was 40 odd, and a serial monogamist with a high turnover rate. My cousin his sister, had got to know about 7 women over the last two decades, missed them when they were gone.... he broke up with them all just as they might reasonably have thought that maybe it was serious enough to lead to marriage. She tore a strip off him.

Why?

Is it required that every serious relationship result in marriage?

(hint: No.)

You did the right thing. He is either oblivious or burying his head in the sand. He should either marry her or let her go.

His life. His decision. Theyve only been together for 2 years. He shouldnt be feeling like he has to marry her quickly because that is how its done in their family/culture. ...

Also he is only in his early 20s. ...and theyve had ' a couple of big blowups' ...

Why would you even want your db marrying so fast and to a young woman when their relationship isnt even rock solid

@Yeahnahmum

His life. His decision. Theyve only been together for 2 years. He shouldnt be feeling like he has to marry her quickly because that is how its done in their family/culture. ...

His life, his decision to screw up someone else’s life making noise about commitments just to get them to move in and be easy to shag. Ops right to judge, and tell him he’s a dick. If it were only his life then yes maybe she would stay out.

@Yeahnahmum

Also he is only in his early 20s. ...and theyve had ' a couple of big blowups' ...

Why would you even want your db marrying so fast and to a young woman when their relationship isnt even rock solid

I've wondered that too.

Not everyone needs to be married and certainly there should be no family pressure esp at such a young age.

If girlfriend was unfaithful to her family morals that's on her, not him. She's a free agent.

Marriage isn’t the only way to resolve this, though. If he isn’t sure about commitment he should end the relationship and give her the chance to meet someone else. Of course she could leave but she won’t while someone she loves is dangling the promise of marriage in front of her.

I think a lot of posters have forgotten that they didn’t have the benefit of their present wisdom in their first LT relationship in their early twenties.

@Yeahnahmum

His life. His decision. Theyve only been together for 2 years. He shouldnt be feeling like he has to marry her quickly because that is how its done in their family/culture. ...

No, but he shouldn't be showing off the ring to all and sundry when she's not wearing it.

Marriage is not the issue.. the issue is that he has already bought the ring.. chosen together no less.. and he's showing it off to everyone instead of giving to whom it was intended... He's a Twat 🌺

Maybe you should be talking to the GF and empowering her to leave this twat. If it was me, I’d also be explaining to her the consequences of having children out of marriage and that she’s fucked if she does that.

@soopedup

Maybe you should be talking to the GF and empowering her to leave this twat. If it was me, I’d also be explaining to her the consequences of having children out of marriage and that she’s fucked if she does that.

The girlfriend is a grown up. It’s not the ops place to “empower her” . She’s not a bloody child.

Any updates op?