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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have called DB out on not proposing?

213 replies

Iamthehedgehogqueen · 21/12/2020 19:40

NC as very outing circumstances.

DB is early 20’s with a GF of about 2 years. They have had a couple of big blow ups (covid played a big part) but otherwise very happy. They live together and own a pet.

GF is from a different culture, higher empathise on marriage and commitment. When GF moved in a fancy engagement ring was bought (DB asked GF to pick it out). DB excitedly shared this news with family. She didn’t push him, it was his choice.

This was months ago. He’s not popping the question any time soon. He states ‘not right timing’, he wants to visit her parents for ‘permission’ (they live a long way away and he doesn’t drive). It’s just obvious he’s not gonna do it any time soon. (Has form for dawdling and talking stuff to death).

GF is frustrated and gets upset.

Today DB brought up wedding venues on the phone and said he would to bring the ring to Christmas dinner to show DH and I.

I snapped a bit and sent him a polite but firm message after to say ‘I think you either need to put the ring on her finger or put it away for a while. You’re enjoying going through the motions of being engaged without actually being and I can understand why it’s causing GF distress. Either propose or stop dangling it in front of her.’

DH agrees with me but Im not often this blunt with DB and he can be pretty sensitive. I worry he’ll take offence.
Honestly though I do get a bit fed up of talking about something that’s hypothetical so much!

I’m also good friends with his GF and like her a lot so feel sorry for her.

OP posts:

katy1213 · 21/12/2020 19:56

What a strange way to behave. Surely once the ring has been bought, shown off in public, tacitly accepted - that's it, you're engaged anyway. He's ruined any formal proposal.
Sounds like she could do better!

CruCru · 21/12/2020 19:58

In her position, should he actually propose, I’d either say no or want a different ring, not one that’s been shown to loads of people then eventually passed on to me.

AnotherEmma · 21/12/2020 20:02

I voted YANBU, good for you for sending that message.

His behaviour is so, so weird. I think some men think they can have their cake and eat it, these days. If they don't propose the "traditional" way (complete surprise, buy ring without girlfriend knowing, then pop the question), and they have an actual conversation with the girlfriend about getting engaged and married, and even choose a ring together etc, they are effectively half-engaged already... but they still want to have their "proposal" moment?! No mate, that ship has sailed!

There is a phrase which springs to mind. Shit or get off the pot.

NewLockdownNewMe · 21/12/2020 20:03

He brought you in to it, and if your sibling can’t tell you you’re being a bit of a dick then who can?

HotSince63 · 21/12/2020 20:04

It's really quite cruel and controlling behaviour. The relationships board is full of his type,

Getting her to move in with an understanding (given her culture) that there would be an engagement. He did just enough for her to feel ok with that for a while....

And now it's "oh no, the timing isn't right", "oh no, I can't ask your parents because I don't drive", but again he's doing just enough to keep her hanging on... talking about wedding venues, acting like Billy Big Bollocks showing the ring that she isn't wearing off.

I agree with the PP, if he gets round to proposing before she comes to her senses, I hope she tells him no thanks she'll choose a different ring that hasn't already been seen by all and sundry.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 21/12/2020 20:06

He sounds (sadly) like he is dicking her around a bit. Really unfair on her especially with the thing about moving in & cultural expectation of getting engaged

Redwinestillfine · 21/12/2020 20:10

I don't understand. He bought a ring, she chose it, but they're not engaged?

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 21/12/2020 20:10

YANBU but I hope she says no because, at best, he's immature and, at worst, he's cruel.

Seeingadistance · 21/12/2020 20:11

Instead of talking to him, you’d be better advising his girlfriend to ditch him. He’s either extremely stupid or very manipulative, and she deserves better.

LeSangeEstDansLarbre · 21/12/2020 20:19

What bizarre behaviour. I’ve never heard anything like it. I can only imagine that his GF wouldn’t have been comfortable with moving in unless she had some sort of commitment from him. But that only needed to be between the two of them. All this weird engagement and wedding stuff involving third parties without actually asking her to marry him is so far from the norm that I can’t help but wonder if he’s mature enough to be in a relationship, let alone considering marriage.

In her shoes I’d be dumping him for this. He’s either cruel or childish or just weird. At their age there’s no need to be tied down, but if he does believe they need to be engaged he should have the balls and sense to do it properly.

picklemewalnuts · 21/12/2020 20:26

Was he going to propose at Christmas? Is that what he was planning, with all the talk?

Lalliella · 21/12/2020 20:27

@picklemewalnuts

Was he going to propose at Christmas? Is that what he was planning, with all the talk?

I wondered that too. Hope you haven’t rained on his parade OP!

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/12/2020 20:28

I think when you buy the ring you are engaged. However, he sounds like one of those who is happy to string a women Al along when in reality he has no actual intention of getting married. So, good for you on calling him out.

Mumoftwo1990 · 21/12/2020 20:29

@Iamthehedgehogqueen

NC as very outing circumstances.

DB is early 20’s with a GF of about 2 years. They have had a couple of big blow ups (covid played a big part) but otherwise very happy. They live together and own a pet.

GF is frustrated and gets upset.

Today DB brought up wedding venues on the phone and said he would to bring the ring to Christmas dinner to show DH and I.

I’m also good friends with his GF and like her a lot so feel sorry for her.

It sounds as if he likes all the fuss over getting engaged but doesn't actually want to do it. Why get his girlfriend to pick a ring if he's not going to propose for awhile, looking online to get an idea of what she would go for okay yeah but literally buying one she chose. He's bang out of order knowing how important this is to her. You were totally right in what you said

TerribleCustomerCervix · 21/12/2020 20:29

Normally it wouldn’t be a great idea to step in, but given the circumstances I think you’ve said the right thing.

If I was your brother’s girlfriend I’d be glad my SIL was a) understanding about the differences in our cultures and why this was important and b) capable of calling him out when he was being so insensitive.

SarahBellam · 21/12/2020 20:33

This is absolutely none of your business and you e wildly overstepped the park. He has every right to tell you to fuck away off and get over yourself. You have no idea what their relationship is like, whether he’s getting cold feet, or whether he ever wanted to in the first place.

PinkiOcelot · 21/12/2020 20:42

If they bought the ring together, why isn’t she just wearing it? Does there have to a proposal now? I would have thought going out buying the ring was it.
When we got engaged we went out looking for a ring. Bought it, then I wore it.

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2020 20:43

It really is none of your business and tbh, if engagement/marriage was that important to her, she would've made sure that was done before she started living with him.

He does sound like a wanker though, I'll grant you that but she needs to woman up and sort this out or vote with her feet.

june2007 · 21/12/2020 20:47

Maybe the relatiship has changed a bit, maybe he is waiting for the right moment. I may say so are you making the engagement official, are you planning to get married. But keep it low key it,s not your decision.

ElfieElfington · 21/12/2020 20:51

He needs to get a grip, I agree once you've been asked to choose a ring and it's been purchased you are effective engaged.

I speak as woman whose boyfriend has such a ring in his possession, I'll be getting it on Christmas Day which is the official day we're getting engaged (in our case we both needed time to tell dc before a ring appeared and any announcement was made) but we are effectively already engaged, I don't expect him to get down on one knee, it's understood. I would however be very annoyed if he was carrying my ring around showing people.

MrDarcyismines · 21/12/2020 20:51

He clearly bought the ring to keep his GF happy.
I wouldn't pressurise him into proposing! He's still young/they might not last! Etc.

PandaBearCub · 21/12/2020 20:52

A 2 year relationship isn’t long so it’s probably wise to wait a while, especially as they are in their early 20s. You don’t want this to end in divorce. However, he shouldn’t be getting the ring out at any opportunity.

VimFuego101 · 21/12/2020 20:59

YANBU, and as a previous poster mentioned, he's also taking away the excitement from his girlfriend of getting to show her new ring off to everyone after the engagement.

Greenkit · 21/12/2020 21:02

Actually didn't see the bit about bringing the ring

Fucking hell yes he is being unreasonable and a bit of an ass

timeisnotaline · 21/12/2020 21:03

I’d tell him at Christmas if he’s not properly engaged very soon you hope the gf he’s using and treating badly dumps him, and that’s what you’re going to tell her.

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