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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husbands ex wife died last week unexpectedly

214 replies

Biscuitmonster2318 · 16/12/2020 10:03

I’m expecting to be told what a terrible person I am, selfish etc but I need to get out how I’m feeling. As I would not ever say anything in RL

Nearly two weeks ago my husbands ex wife suddenly passed away. I’ve been looking after the 17 year old stepson and the oldest one by sending meals over for him and his girlfriend.

They were together since 12 and 14 and lived just a few doors away from us. Her youngest child has lived with me and my husband for last 3.5 years.

I’m doing everything I can think of to help support emotionally and physically the boys, my husband and her family.

But I feel like such a nasty awful person because I do find it hard hearing my husband so visibly upset, telling people how they were each other’s first love and how he knows she knew he always loved her.
He snaps at me or just very distant etc. I just ignore it as I understand it’s an awful time.
But I hate how hearing all of these things makes me feel. I’m not a nasty person but hearing it and it reminding me of the times when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was. On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.

I let it pass over me as I knew on each of the occasions things had been said between them. She was always honest that when she was drunk she could make him feel guilty that their marriage hadn’t worked and he would verbally lash out at me. I couldn’t be bothered with his outburst

But right now hearing how upset he is and off with me... all those things are now coming back. I know it’s selfish and I expect to be shot down in flames for it, but it makes me feel like my marriage really was nothing at all!

I just had to get it off my chest so I can go back to being as supportive as I possible can for everyone. I thought if I couldn’t get it out of my head it might get blurred out when I next have to listen to him telling everyone how much she meant to him

OP posts:
CrotchBurn · 16/12/2020 10:05

Why did you only live a few doors down from her? I wouldn't like that. The worlds a big place

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/12/2020 10:06

You are being very, very unreasonable TO YOURSELF here.

I don't think there is a person on the planet who would balme you if you walked out, right now!

Flowers Look after yourself.

Audreyseyebrows · 16/12/2020 10:10

Completely understandable to feel like this. You are a saint for putting up with everything so far.

Original poster
Biscuitmonster2318 · 16/12/2020 10:10

I’m trying to be respectful of the history they had and feeling selfish that it isn’t really about me. But making sure my stepson is ok and feeling supported.
He said the day before it happened and she was in ICU that he understood it can’t be nice to see someone upset about their ex. But how he wouldn’t be bothered if I was upset about an ex.

I just feel like such a mean person as I’m not a selfish or jealous or mean person normally

OP posts:
Heartlantern2 · 16/12/2020 10:11

Hmmm that’s tricky, he is obviously emotional and that’s fair enough.

The main problem here is your a people pleaser. Everyone else comes before you always, because you enable it.

You need to be more selfish, that’s hard for people like you, but how many more lessons you wanna go through before you realise you matter too?

Best thing for you to do is think in your head and name the first five people that matter and you love the absolute most? Who are them five? Have you named them all in your head?

Was you in the top 5? The first person should have been yourself.

CrotchBurn · 16/12/2020 10:13

@Heartlantern2
I really enjoyed reading your post.

HiveHoofHole · 16/12/2020 10:13

On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.

God can take a backseat for a while. Legally, your marriage is very real and so too would be your claim for financial assets. I would not put up with this particularly as his behaviour is not sudden and culminating from the shock of a death. It goes deeper than that and he is deeply unpleasant. I would start to unbundle myself from this marriage.

sadie9 · 16/12/2020 10:14

What's going on is that he's allowed say what he likes and nothing gets done about it.
You don't say anything so he assumes you are happy enough to listen to it. Why would he think otherwise?

Are you looking after his older kids because you are a nice caring person generally and their mother has died, or because you are hoping he'll suddenly notice and love you 'more' than her?

Don't do good or bad deeds as a substitute for expressing how you feel in words.
Because people aren't mind readers.

Original poster
Biscuitmonster2318 · 16/12/2020 10:16

I love the kids and have been around them for 9 years nearly. I genuinely want to ensure they are ok.
The youngest is 17 and has lived with us fulltime for 3.5 years. So the looking after the children is genuine

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 16/12/2020 10:17

Being upset about an ex’s death or serious illness is understandable. If my ex was seriously ill or died I am certain that I would be upset, and I’m fairly sure that when I was seriously ill and nearly died he would have been, as much for our DS as anything.

But telling you that she was the love of his life, that theirs was the only real marriage etc even before she was ill is on a whole other level and tbh I would wonder why A, he married you, and B, why you agreed to marry a man who was so hung up on his ex wife.

I would say that this is possibly the catalyst for you to finally see your worth and end this marriage for once and all.

After all, she’s dead now, and given you couldn’t compete with her when she was alive, you’re never going to be able to compete with her now, as he will have her memory in his heart forever.

CrotchBurn · 16/12/2020 10:17

You're being taken for a ride

Butterymuffin · 16/12/2020 10:19

You're not a bad person or being unreasonable. I get that it's a bad time now and you feel compelled to be supportive, but it sounds like your husband has a history of being nasty and dismissive to you and your relationship in comparison to his ex. I am sure you deserve better than that.

I would continue to be supportive to the family, but protect yourself too. If he becomes nasty or snappy, leave the room. Same if he's going on about his ex (it will be rose tinted glasses in large measure anyway). Give yourself enough space so you're not having to stand around listening to hurtful things. And think about whether in the new year, you want to stay with someone who talks to and about you so disparagingly.

Vellinbracelet · 16/12/2020 10:21

You are not the unreasonable person in this situation.
Even before the bereavement I could not tolerate his behaviour, he sounds a deeply unpleasant man.
Please think about what makes you happy.

Spudina · 16/12/2020 10:24

times when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was. On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.

Your husband has said these things to you and you are still married to him?? You have nothing to feel bad about, your feelings are totally valid and you sound like a lovely person dealing with a really difficult situation. But your husbands attitude to you is disgusting and not something I could tolerate. You need to make sure your feelings are respected in all if this.

thebabessavedme · 16/12/2020 10:27

You sound lovely, He sounds a nasty piece of work - If his heart was still with his ex wife why in the fuck did he marry you?

Could it be he needed a new housekeeper?

I am still very friendly with my 1st husband, I would be very upset if he died, but my Husband has my heart and I would never say the hurtful things to him that have been said to you!

ancientgran · 16/12/2020 10:32

I think it is understandable that he is upset. My ex, my first love who I married as a teenager died last year and I was sad. In my experience you are grieving the person from the start of the relationship so I was grieving a teenager not the 70 year old he had become.

I think the issue in your case isn't about her death or the sadness about it, it is about the fact that he has been vile in the past. My husband knows I love him, knows I have been with him for far longer than my ex so he could step back and let me grieve, it was no threat to him. I can't imagine how you could love him after he's said those things.

dottiedodah · 16/12/2020 10:34

I feel for you .I think when people have been together so young they change so much and long term RL tend to break down .I also think he loves you but maybe he is pining for his lost youth as well .I do wonder if its grief not a hankering after his first wife .Living so close to them couldnt have been easy either! Only you know how you feel .Maybe in the new year speak to him about his feelings ,and explain you are feeling hurt.It couldnt have been so great if he got divorced from her!

Stinkerbells · 16/12/2020 10:37

You’re not a terrible person, this sounds like really unreasonable behaviour on your husbands part, not the grieving but the verbal insults.

May I ask why they split? Were they done and dusted before you came on the scene? Was it messy, had she left him or vice versa? Just trying to figure out why he lashes out. If it was only since her passing you could chalk it up to shock/stress/guilt however it sounds like there could be some previous resentment. He is more than likely grieving and taking it out on you as you are the closest to him. We’re friends with DD’s Dad and his wife, obviously I’m not in love with him (he feels more like a brother if that doesn’t sound too weird) but care about them and would never want to see anything bad happen to either of them, they are part of our wider family as well as good friends. It would have been a huge shock as her passing was unexpected and he’s probably not in a good place. Thats no excuse but under the circumstances might explain his behaviour.

This must be a very difficult time for you all, I’m sure your stepchildren appreciate your support and I’m sure she would too. Parenting can be a thankless job and life stressful at the best of times.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 16/12/2020 10:38

'reminding me of the times when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was. On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.'

Oh op how have you lived with this Flowers. I'm so sorry for the emotional abuse you've suffered, you sound like a lovely caring person. Your step dc are lucky to have you. Your dh sounds awful I hope he has redeeming qualities.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 16/12/2020 10:39

If you were just writing this about the way he snaps at you and horrible things he says about your marriage compared to their marriage, then I would be calling him a dick.

Its terribly sad for them all that she has died, and you would expect these feelings to he swirling around and guilt to he pouring out. That wouldn't be completely horrible on it's own, but it sounds like he has been doing this for years. So he's just a dick. Right now he is a very sad one, but once he is over the initial grief, he will go back to being a normal dick with extra ammunition because she is now dead... so she is now the love he lost, rather than left.

TheDailyCarbuncle · 16/12/2020 10:41

You should have left when he said that his marriage to his first wife was the real marriage - he said that you on your honeymoon ffs! There's no way you should put up with that sort of treatment.

Now the whole thing is massively complicated by her death and by the needs of his children, which means you're in the impossible position of supporting someone who doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings in a situation where your face is being rubbed hard into the mistreatment that you've tolerated for far too long. It's awful and my heart goes out to you.

If it makes you feel better (and only if), it would make sense to do what you can for the children, whom you clearly love, and when they're back on their feet, get the hell out of there. This is not a good situation for you and the death is just highlighting that. There is no reason to stick around long term for more abuse.

Notthe9oclocknewsathon · 16/12/2020 10:41

YANBU to feel hurt AND I also think you are doing the right thing here supporting your family. Doing the right thing when it hurts is the ultimate test of character and I salute you @Biscuitmonster2318 You should actually feel incredibly proud of yourself. Those young people will be in the depths of despair and you are putting them first no matter what. Massive respect.

diddl · 16/12/2020 10:42

"of the times when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was."

And yet you stayed?

She was also the mother of his kids & that's quite a connection.

But he seems to have goaded you over the years with his feelings for her.

What a nasty man.

GabsAlot · 16/12/2020 10:42

he said that on your honeymoon wtf-im sure hes upset about her death but this was before any of that why do you accept being spoke to like that

tsmainsqueeze · 16/12/2020 10:43

Those boys are very lucky to have you in their lives , but i am so angry for you reading about your husband , he is totally unacceptable , disrespectful , unreasonable i could go on .
When the dust settles i think you should let him know how he has made you feel , maybe show him this thread .
I think my marriage would be seriously affected by this if i were you , i am also the 2nd wife !
You deserve better than this , he may be grieving , love comes in many complicated forms , BUT , he chose to make a life with you .
He needs to get a grip , control himself , and treat you properly .
He should be ashamed of himself .