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AIBU?

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Original poster

husbands ex wife died last week unexpectedly

214 replies

Biscuitmonster2318 · 16/12/2020 10:03

I’m expecting to be told what a terrible person I am, selfish etc but I need to get out how I’m feeling. As I would not ever say anything in RL

Nearly two weeks ago my husbands ex wife suddenly passed away. I’ve been looking after the 17 year old stepson and the oldest one by sending meals over for him and his girlfriend.

They were together since 12 and 14 and lived just a few doors away from us. Her youngest child has lived with me and my husband for last 3.5 years.

I’m doing everything I can think of to help support emotionally and physically the boys, my husband and her family.

But I feel like such a nasty awful person because I do find it hard hearing my husband so visibly upset, telling people how they were each other’s first love and how he knows she knew he always loved her.
He snaps at me or just very distant etc. I just ignore it as I understand it’s an awful time.
But I hate how hearing all of these things makes me feel. I’m not a nasty person but hearing it and it reminding me of the times when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was. On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.

I let it pass over me as I knew on each of the occasions things had been said between them. She was always honest that when she was drunk she could make him feel guilty that their marriage hadn’t worked and he would verbally lash out at me. I couldn’t be bothered with his outburst

But right now hearing how upset he is and off with me... all those things are now coming back. I know it’s selfish and I expect to be shot down in flames for it, but it makes me feel like my marriage really was nothing at all!

I just had to get it off my chest so I can go back to being as supportive as I possible can for everyone. I thought if I couldn’t get it out of my head it might get blurred out when I next have to listen to him telling everyone how much she meant to him

OP posts:
butterpuffed · 16/12/2020 14:18

How could he be so nasty saying that on your honeymoon, he really doesn't deserve you.

faithfulbird20 · 16/12/2020 14:20

You're respectful and kind. If I were you, I'd pack my bags and leave him for your own sanity. He can sit around in memories of his wonderful marriage to her. He's the rude one. Needs to grow up.

LilyLongJohn · 16/12/2020 14:27

You are not unreasonable op.

I also understand him grieving, it's his ex and the mother of his children, but he should never take this out on you.

If he's rude going forward I think I'd simply say to him 'I understand you're grieving but this doesn't give you a free pass to be verbally abusive to me, stop it'

If he starts telling you that his wife was his first live etc, I'd reply woth 'I understand you're grieving, but what you are saying is incredibly hurtful'

Pull him up in it EVERYTIME.

CharlotteRose90 · 16/12/2020 14:29

I was all about to say you were being unreasonable till I read the honeymoon bit . I would have drowned my man for saying that. Yes he has every right to be upset he’s lost his first love and his children’s mum but to be honest there’s bigger things happening in your marriage.

Can he go to a friends or family members for a few days and you can both have a think?

Somersetlevel · 16/12/2020 14:30

@CuriousaboutSamphire

You are being very, very unreasonable TO YOURSELF here.

I don't think there is a person on the planet who would balme you if you walked out, right now!

Flowers Look after yourself.

I agree.

He sounds hideous. He sounds abusive and he sounds very unloving and uncaring. I'm sorry but if he had said what he said to you on honeymoon to me -I would have left there and then - I wouldn't have been able to recover nor want to from that. I would have told him to go back to her then. Now you will be competing with a ghost. I do understand he might have a lot of guilt -but it's not my guilt.

BuggerationFlavouredCrisps · 16/12/2020 14:32

Gosh OP, this is almost my situation with 2 teen stepchildren whose mother died before DH met me.

Except in my case, DH is very loving and wouldn’t dream of discussing his relationship with his first wife. And especially not on your honeymoon. Wow, that’s so disrespectful to you.

Honestly, in your shoes, I wouldn’t stay in a relationship where you’re made to feel second best. Maybe try and keep things together over Christmas but put plans in place to leave in the new year.

You deserve so much better!

cyclingmad · 16/12/2020 14:54

Get the hell out of there. I'd be packing my bags right now and walking out, not wasting another minute of energy around him, stuff timing or that its Xmas or too soon after ex's funeral.

Just go. Thats the best present you can give yourself this year.

tara66 · 16/12/2020 14:59

Haven't read many PPs but he sound awful. Ask him why he ever married you if he felt so strongly about ex.. Would he rather he left you ? Better still - perhaps you should ask him to leave - right now?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 16/12/2020 14:59

he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was.

Well, you picked him and you decided to stay with him, but as soon as those words came out of his mouth it would have been game over for me. A decent man does not say those words to his wife.

On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.

And those words alone should have earned him a second divorce in the sight of God and everyone else before the honeymoon was over.

I’m not a selfish or jealous or mean person normally

And your reward is... to live with his disrespect for the rest of your life. Or at least until you realise that a lifetime spent pandering to a selfish bully can be a sin too?

Bronzino · 16/12/2020 15:19

Oh love, why are you with him? This is horrible, and you deserve more. So very much more.

PixelatedLunchbox · 16/12/2020 15:22

hearing it and it reminding me of the times (!!!!!) when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was. On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.

He said THAT and you stayed with him? WHY!? I'm speechless.

ClaireP20 · 16/12/2020 15:28

He's completely out of order OP, you are being very tolerant I must say..

UniversalAunt · 16/12/2020 15:32

I’ve not RTTT, but in your first post you say

‘... of the times when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was. On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.’

WTF!
He’s a sweetheart...

Sertchgi123 · 16/12/2020 15:34

And you are with this man? Just why?

Talk4000 · 16/12/2020 15:40

He belittles you on every level.

Your marriage isn't the same as his first "in the eyes of God". WTF???

It's HIS eyes that matter, not Gods for fucks sake.

You aren't 'accepting of his past' - making you out to be the sore loser.

OMG why do you stay with this complete twat.

it makes me livid just to read the posts you've made.

I'm going to give it to you straight.

You are a complete and utter doormat that is being walked all over by a gaslighting, horrible, selfish twunt who thinks he he belittle you into submission and you have accepted this repellant behaviour because you don't think you deserve anything better.

he's not milking the death of his first wife to have you grovelling out of his disgusting selfish hands even more.

why on earth did you go back to him.

Why not get some self-respect and get rid of him and find yourself a real man, someone who loves you EQUALLY and gives you the kindess, respect and loyalty you deserve.

Yes his ex has died - but who is more important? Her or you?

At the moment I'd say she's still the love of his life and you'd be best to move on. He'll never love you the way you want him to.

And personally I wouldn't give so much as one more minute for a self twunt like this. He really takes the biscuit.

Talk4000 · 16/12/2020 15:40

"He's NOW milking the death of his first wife..."

Not NOT

OhDearMuriel · 16/12/2020 15:57

He sounds awful.

He bullies you and because you're so nice you haven't actually acknowledged that sad fact.

Cut him short next time and tell him to stop being so ridiculous - you could also throw in that you don't blame his ex-wife for going off with someone else!! (You won't because you're too nice and he doesn't deserve you).

UniversalAunt · 16/12/2020 16:02

@Biscuitmonster2318 I am sorry to hear of the death of your grandchild. The ripples of loss roll on & made so poignant as our living dependents are due to outlive us. Each of us grieve in our own way & can profoundly affect family dynamics, in some instances bringing people far closer or far further apart.

You clearly have the best interests of your step-children to heart. But given the uncertainty of your relationship, some detachment from active step- parenting towards a more Godparent-like role - more guidance than hands on - may help you keep your relationships with the greater family going well. The youngest is almost adult & will be fledging in the couple of years, & this would be a time for a review of priorities in any family.

This year has been tough on most of us, feeling trapped & powerless even in the most happy of homes & stable relationships. Sadly, this may compound the loss & sorrow your family has now had with two bereavements even further.

However you can, find your way to support to put yourself & your needs first.

UniversalAunt · 16/12/2020 16:05

p.s. Your husband is a git. I don’t like the sound of him at all. You can do better & be far happier.

Applesonthelawn · 16/12/2020 16:07

Well done you, you are doing incredibly well to only post this here. Be patient and let a bit of time pass, I'm sure you'll be glad later. There will come a time when he'll have to know and understand how you feel though. Be kind to yourself, sounds like like you are holding it together brilliantly.

aSofaNearYou · 16/12/2020 16:07

But I feel like such a nasty awful person because I do find it hard hearing my husband so visibly upset, telling people how they were each other’s first love and how he knows she knew he always loved her.
He snaps at me or just very distant etc. I just ignore it as I understand it’s an awful time.
But I hate how hearing all of these things makes me feel. I’m not a nasty person but hearing it and it reminding me of the times when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was. On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.

I don't think any of this is in the slightest bit appropriate to be honest. He sounds awful and abusive, and like he has horribly taken advantage of you over the years. I think you would be better off without him.

5foot5 · 16/12/2020 16:23

I am respectful of my husbands feelings

And when is e ever respectful of yours? Never, by the sound of it.
Shame really that you took him back in October.

Perhaps now is not the best time to make changes as everyone is feeling so raw and it is just before Christmas. But once the holiday period is over I think you should call it a day. In his eyes you will always come second best and that is no way to live. He is a selfish, insensitive man and you owe him nothing

cdtaylornats · 16/12/2020 16:35

He has had a profound emotional experience, not least because he just had a close encounter with his own mortality.

Girlmum91 · 16/12/2020 16:40

Selfish? Are you kidding me, you sound like a saint! Holding a candle to his first love is one thing but most of the comments he's made about her over the years to you are just inappropriate and offensive.

It's obviously a difficult time for all of you but I'd be seriously planning my exit. You can do better than a man who thinks you're his plan B and actually lets you know it.

Milliepossum · 16/12/2020 16:40

@Bells3032

Not the same i know but i imagine for your DH is even more intense.

six years ago my Ex-bf (on and off for four years) passed away very suddenly. I was absolutely beside myself and my family couldn't work out why as he had always treated me terribly and i didn't have feelings for him anymore.

But it wasn't about my romantic feelings, he was someone I had once loved, someone who made a massive impact on my life and someone I cared for and I was so angry and confused at how this could happen.

I have since met the love of my life and got married but there are still some occasional pangs of sadness for a young man whose life was so wasted.

I imagine for your husband it is even more complex as he was married to her and had children with her and his grief is even more compounded by his grief for his kids losing their mother.

It's an incredibly hard thing to comprehend when you've never been through it but I don't think your feelings are irrational either. It's a shock but please don't take his grief as a signal regarding his feelings for you. They're not - he's lost and confused.

Please make sure you take time for yourselves and just be there for their kids at this time.

Thoughts are with you guys.

I would only agree with this if he didn’t have an earlier track record of being nasty, starting on your honeymoon. He says those things OP to hurt you, he doesn’t care about you. I would leave him and let him find another housekeeper that will nurse him in his old age. What does he ever do for you?
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