husbands ex wife died last week unexpectedly

[Biscuitmonster2318]

I’m expecting to be told what a terrible person I am, selfish etc but I need to get out how I’m feeling. As I would not ever say anything in RL

Nearly two weeks ago my husbands ex wife suddenly passed away. I’ve been looking after the 17 year old stepson and the oldest one by sending meals over for him and his girlfriend.

They were together since 12 and 14 and lived just a few doors away from us. Her youngest child has lived with me and my husband for last 3.5 years.

I’m doing everything I can think of to help support emotionally and physically the boys, my husband and her family.

But I feel like such a nasty awful person because I do find it hard hearing my husband so visibly upset, telling people how they were each other’s first love and how he knows she knew he always loved her.
He snaps at me or just very distant etc. I just ignore it as I understand it’s an awful time.
But I hate how hearing all of these things makes me feel. I’m not a nasty person but hearing it and it reminding me of the times when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was. On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.

I let it pass over me as I knew on each of the occasions things had been said between them. She was always honest that when she was drunk she could make him feel guilty that their marriage hadn’t worked and he would verbally lash out at me. I couldn’t be bothered with his outburst

But right now hearing how upset he is and off with me... all those things are now coming back. I know it’s selfish and I expect to be shot down in flames for it, but it makes me feel like my marriage really was nothing at all!

I just had to get it off my chest so I can go back to being as supportive as I possible can for everyone. I thought if I couldn’t get it out of my head it might get blurred out when I next have to listen to him telling everyone how much she meant to him

Our marriage imploded in February after the death of our baby grandson due to his behaviour. In October we decided to try again and he said he would do counselling.

I feel bad that I didn’t think when I found out the situation our marriage could come out intact on the other side.

But I also know I will be painted like a bad person for not being happy and accepting of what will become worse over the Christmas period.

I’m aware and don’t mind them talking about her as it’s part of the grieving and healing process.

I struggle with how he makes me feel about it then makes me to be a bad person. If I had an issue we wouldn’t have had time in each other’s house, celebrated Christmas and birthdays and engagements and weddings together.

But i just get told I need to get over myself as it’s his past and what it’s like is normal

Why are you with him?

Genuinely, why are you with a man who told you on your honeymoon that his first marriage was the only one that counted and that his ex wife is the love of his life.

How’d you even get to honeymoon stage if he’s saying things like that to you?

This isn’t even about his ex wife passing away really.

You’re with a man who treats you with disdain and tells you he prefers the woman who walked out on him.

Your H sounds vile.

Your husband is a nasty piece of work. You deserve better than to be married to some who doesn't value you.

It's not at all normal, and the only one who thinks you are being unreasonable is him. Everyone else can see he's the unreasonable one.

what it’s like is normal No no no, it's not.

He will never see this behavior as his fault (even partly his fault), people tend to make themselves the hero of their own story. You cannot expect someone as selfish as him to see your side.

But it doesn't matter what he thinks, you deserve being treated nicely, don't let what others think of you stop you from having a good life.

OP you sound lovely , he doesn’t - even taking into account justifiable grief .

I understand at the moment you want to take care of the kids - but in a few weeks time please stop and think about what you want and deserve .

YABU OP

Why has such a nice kind woman stayed with such a horrible, nasty pig of an excuse of a man.

He sounds like such a self absorbed twat.

You are wasting precious years with him.

His relationship with his ex sounds unhealthy, given your description of her behaviour with his ex-gfs.

he understood it can’t be nice to see someone upset about their ex. But how he wouldn’t be bothered if I was upset about an ex.
That's not what you're bothered about. You're bothered by his thoughtless behaviour towards you.

I’m aware and don’t mind them talking about her as it’s part of the grieving and healing process.
This is also not what you are bothered about. You're bothered by him saying horrible stuff such as how you are nothing and your marriage is not a proper one before God.

Don't let him confuse you about what it is that you are unhappy about.

OP, just seen your update. I am so very sorry about your grandson.

In response to this:

But i just get told I need to get over myself as it’s his past and what it’s like is normal

1000x, no. It's not normal. You don't need to 'get over yourself' (incidentally what a horrible expression). You don't for one minute have to accept this as the best you are worth.

Don't accept or internalise his view of you. This is messed up and wrong, in so many ways.

Sorry OP, this is going to hurt but I'm going to be blunt.

They were separated for 5 years before I came on the scene. He had two girlfriends before me. But each time it got more than a couple of dates she would then contact him saying she wanted to be with him. He would end with the girls hoping she would come back.

Sorry OP, but I think that tells you more about him than anything else you've written. He wanted to be with her. However it ended, however she behaved, he still wanted her more than any other woman.

You say you're being respectful of him because of the way she behaved. Stuff that. She knew how to push his buttons, yes, but that was only because there were buttons to push.

This is one of two things. Either he didn't want to be on his own when he married you, maybe it was even as callous as he wanted someone to do the washing and the cooking. Or he was pushing her ever further with you to try to get her to say she'd have him back. So - he gets engaged to you. She does nothing. The wedding is planned, she does nothing. The wedding goes ahead and she's done nothing. At which point he thinks hang on, I never meant or wanted this to happen. So his response to having backed himself into a corner was to make sure you knew you were second best by a long way and that she would always be the one he really wanted.

I'm really sorry for writing that. It will hurt. But from what you've written I genuinely believe it's true. For now, keep your focus on the needs of the DCs. They need someone who's on their side and looking out for them. When there's been some time to get over their immediate shock, I suggest you tell DH that he's about to lose wife number two as well.

Why has such a nice kind woman stayed with such a horrible, nasty pig of an excuse of a man.

Because these kinds of men know how to choose their dupes. My darling mum was a nice, kind, lovely woman too. She was also in her own way emotionally strong and stoic, and was no pushover, but the cycle such people go through at the hands of their partners is known as 'boiling frog syndrome' (the heat is turned up so gradually that eventually the frog dies, having no idea it's in a situation that is dangerous and unhealthy).

My mum suffered at the hands of cold, cruel, psychopathic man (hard word but true) in the shape of my father, and I watched it happen for 27 years. As a teenager his cruelty gradually transferred itself to me too. And could do nothing about it.

reminding me of the times when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was. On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc

This is not ok. All of your posts reveal the extent to which you dismiss your own feelings in order that you can provide support for others. The balance is wrong, here. Your only outlet for your emotions shouldn't have to be an internet forum.

Your feelings are just as important as everybody else's. Your job is to prioritise your feelings, in order that you can be in good emotional shape. Otherwise you can't support anybody else without it draining you, as it is now.

You are on the lookout for all the places you need to offer support. I have a question for you: Whilst you are taking on all the burdens of everyone else's woes, who is supporting you?

@Biscuitmonster2318

Be easy on yourself.

As I see it there are two problems here. One is the emotional fallout from her sudden death, which you seem to me to be coping fantastically with. Your stepchildren are really lucky to have you there for them and they'll remember your support for the rest of their lives. I suspect whatever support you offer your DH with will never be enough so I wouldn't worry about that and just keep doing what you're doing for now.

But the other problem is that it's pretty clear he never got over her leaving him and has been using that as stick to beat you with for a long time. Even as a total stranger, I can see you're worth more, much more, than that, and long term you need to be able to see it too. I don't know whether I'm impressed or appalled that you've stayed married for 9+ years to a man who told you his first marriage was the only real one on your honeymoon ffs!

I would get through Christmas and new year however you all can as a family, but as the dust settles I would be thinking about what you want and need as an individual, and I'd be lying, OP, if I didn't admit that I hope you'll choose something better for yourself than this marriage.

This situation was abominable for you when she was alive. Now she is dead the bar will be raised to virtual sainthood

@Sacredspace has it correct. Clearly there was a deeply complicated, manipulative relationship between them both but he never fully got over his feelings for her. And you are caught in this mess. I think you should really consider whether you want to spend your one precious life, being second fiddle to another woman. You deserve someone who loves you, never ever compares you to an ex, and never makes you feel like you are second best.

Yeah, I'd divorce him.
He's an abusive arsehole.

Another one saying divorce him, you deserve so much better 💐

You need to walk away, if he can't treat you properly, grieving or not then you need to end this. He doesn't deserve you caring for him. Look after the children, support them & once the funeral is over do what is right for you, not him.

He is a weak weak sorry excuse of a person.
I'd be using Christmas to get my ducks in a row. And then once Christmas is over, I'd be having a heart to heart with the step children. Explain that you can no longer live with him after the cruel things he's said from long before their mother's death. But you will always be there for the children and grandchildren.

His behaviour is awful, and as it predates the ex's death, it's an indication of how he really feels, imo.

I was with my ex for 30 years, and I left him 3 years ago. He was my first love, but he was also abusive (why I left).

Ex died very suddenly 2 weeks ago, it was a shock for everyone who knew him. I'm sad but not devastated, after all we were separated and I'd moved on. I'm also organising the funeral on behalf of our DC, so I'm right in the thick of it.

I think your DH is being disgusting in his behaviour towards you, and you do not deserve this, especially after all you've done in supporting his DC.

His behaviour is not normal in terms of grieving an ex. I'm actually inclined to agree with HollowTalk who wrote It sounds to me as though he was expecting his ex to step up just before the wedding and demand he come back to her. That's her usual trick, isn't it?

And I agree that the ex is now going to be on a pedestal, and everything you do will be compared to her.

OP, I think counselling for you would be beneficial in sorting out your feelings about this marriage. And I think you should leave, although I can understand if you don't want to do this right away.

I struggle with how he makes me feel about it then makes me to be a bad person.
If it wasn't his ex wife and now her death he was using as a stick to beat you with it would be something else. He is abusing you. He always will. He is blaming you for his failings. The Freedom Programme would be a good place for you to start

He does not deserve you.

Get Christmas out of the way and get thee to a solicitor OP. He sounds utterly horrible. Do you really want this for yourself? Separate.

it reminding me of the times when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was. On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc

OP, what the fuck?? How did you ever get past him saying those things? That's some of the worst insults I've ever heard of someone saying to their spouse.

You don't need to feel guilty - seems to me like he's been very nasty to you regarding her. Poor you. Your feelings are valid

You are not being unreasonable - except in staying with a man who treats you as second best... from your honeymoon!

His grief is understandable but his behaviour to you (then AND now) is not.

He doesn't have any right to berate you for his life choices and as your DH he should care enough about your feelings to not speak in this way in anger or in grief.

Look at what you have written about what you are doing with your life as if this was someone else. Clearly the writer is a good person and a caring person but she is not looking out for herself and she deserves much better. Wouldn't you agree?