husbands ex wife died last week unexpectedly

[Biscuitmonster2318]

I’m expecting to be told what a terrible person I am, selfish etc but I need to get out how I’m feeling. As I would not ever say anything in RL

Nearly two weeks ago my husbands ex wife suddenly passed away. I’ve been looking after the 17 year old stepson and the oldest one by sending meals over for him and his girlfriend.

They were together since 12 and 14 and lived just a few doors away from us. Her youngest child has lived with me and my husband for last 3.5 years.

I’m doing everything I can think of to help support emotionally and physically the boys, my husband and her family.

But I feel like such a nasty awful person because I do find it hard hearing my husband so visibly upset, telling people how they were each other’s first love and how he knows she knew he always loved her.
He snaps at me or just very distant etc. I just ignore it as I understand it’s an awful time.
But I hate how hearing all of these things makes me feel. I’m not a nasty person but hearing it and it reminding me of the times when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was. On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.

I let it pass over me as I knew on each of the occasions things had been said between them. She was always honest that when she was drunk she could make him feel guilty that their marriage hadn’t worked and he would verbally lash out at me. I couldn’t be bothered with his outburst

But right now hearing how upset he is and off with me... all those things are now coming back. I know it’s selfish and I expect to be shot down in flames for it, but it makes me feel like my marriage really was nothing at all!

I just had to get it off my chest so I can go back to being as supportive as I possible can for everyone. I thought if I couldn’t get it out of my head it might get blurred out when I next have to listen to him telling everyone how much she meant to him

Wow. You're not a terrible or selfish person by any stretch of the imagination. You're doing the best for your step kids in an awful situation, and trying to support your DH.

I agree with NewYearNewPlumbing that you do need to address his shittiness to you at some point tho.

What is your DH brining to your relationship?

Its ok to say she WAS his first love and that there will always be love there, but he has been/is being nasty and treating you as second. Its psychological abuse to keep you in your place. Dont accept it, even if he is grieving

My God, you’re a saint for having put up with all of this thus far. If my DH said or felt any of those things for his ex, I’d not be with him.
And now she’s dead she’ll be forever sanctified and you’ll never be able to say a word against her.
You deserve more than forever playing second fiddle. Your husband sounds like an absolute arse.

@Biscuitmonster2318

I had to take a moment before I could reply as I was expecting to be told I was a terribly selfish person.

I’ve stayed in the past because of what I know of her and how she worked.
They were separated for 5 years before I came on the scene. He had two girlfriends before me. But each time it got more than a couple of dates she would then contact him saying she wanted to be with him. He would end with the girls hoping she would come back. Both times once she knew he was single told him that she wasn’t coming back but staying with the bloke she left him for.

She would tell me that she never expected him to leave her or be with anyone. She has done a lot and made him feel in instances he was at fault for them not being together

Then she cries and uses emotional blackmail as she tried it with me by not wanting to invite my oldest stepson to my wedding and inviting her as they had fallen out.

This is awful :(

I would take a stand at some point and call him out every time he tries this emotional shit. You are not his ex wife, you are his wife, you are not responsible for their games and you deserve better.

Only you know your relationship and I really hope the good parts outweigh the bad as you sound like a beautiful soul but please know your worth.

There's rarely a 100 consensus on Mumsnet, but on this thread so far there is (and I'm with it). I hope you can take some heart from this, OP. Heartlantern2's advice is both kind and helpful, and the main gist of the other posts is that the only person you're being unreasonable to here is yourself. Your husband seems failing in the qualities not only of a husband but also a good father. Grief is a selfish emotion, but their children are grieving too and need his support. Where is it? Or are you the one carrying all the emotional labour here?

This isn't really about this poor woman's death. It's the tone of your entire marriage. His assertion on your honeymoon, no less, that his love was with another woman and not you is nothing short of cruelty. I think NewYearNewPlumbing's recommendation for counselling to unpick these issues is good one: the marriage is clearly hurting you because your own emotional needs are not being met. You do not exist simply to look after others at your own expense. Try to see your own worth, because this is considerable. You're evidently a loving, giving woman who deserves far better from her life's partner than a life of setting yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.

Look after yourself, OP. And yes, this does mean yourself

I could understand if he said some things whilst grieving, but it sounds like he's always been telling you how you don't compare to her! That's awful. Maybe you need to step back and have a think about this marriage and whether it offers you the love and stability you want.

It sounds to me as though he was expecting his ex to step up just before the wedding and demand he come back to her. That's her usual trick, isn't it?

I would get through Christmas with the children and start to plan how I wanted to live my life. I wouldn't be including him in that new life.

When somebody dies people do sometimes look back with rose tinted glasses, I suspect that is what your DH is doing.

He is being unfair - being thrown and occasionally saying that he misses her/she was his first love in the week after she died isn't unreasonable given their history but it sounds like more frequent than that and on your honeymoon is very tasteless.

Even if he'd rather have had her, he can't have her no matter what he does or how he feels, because she's dead. You have him. (If you want him - that part is entirely up to you).

Honestly think it’s remarkable you have stuck around for as long as you have or even that you married the twat in the first place. If he loved her so much, why did they divorce? And if she instigated the separation, why didn’t he remain single? I feel for you, I don’t know why you have put up with this for so long at all. I’d be handing him another set of divorce papers tbh and he can devote the rest of his life to God.

your not being selfish hun. it sounds like you have supported everyone the best you can. she only died last week. your dh is bound to be feeling very bitter and grief stricken all you can do is let it pass. he is saying things he probably doesn't mean. grief is all it is. they were very close and its going to take him time to come to terms with it all you can do is hang in there and make sure he knows your there for him and if he needs to talk he can do. you can't turn off your feelings from someone like that even if you did split up

How you didn't leave him on the honeymoon I don't know. He sounds like a horrible man. Thank goodness his kids have got you.

Err. He sounds fucking awful! Completely disrespectful of you in your examples. Why on earth does anyone who believes in god sanctioned marriage even remarry. Right now you're doing amazing stuff (which he should to support his children). But honestly, he doesn't sound very loving and caring. I have NEVER heard my parents in law mention any comparisons of their new spouses. I have nothing but good things to say about my second husband and if we disagree we discuss it, I don't have any rose tinted view of previous relationships of any sort. Absolutely unacceptable. I'd be seriously weighing up what use he actually is as he doesn't sound much like husband material.

Your husband sounds like a deeply nasty person, with a steak of deliberate cruelty in him.

When the dust has settled after this sudden death, in a few weeks, you should take some time to ask yourself why you are allowing him to treat you in such an unkind way.

This is no way to live your life. He will not change or improve his attitude to you, he enjoys his power over you, he enjoys inflicting emotional pain on you.

I hope you start to see him for the person he is, someone deliberately damaging you, and I hope you find the courage to get away from him.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop being shocked at the way men abuse women they’re supposed to love.

OP - you have put up with enough. This man is behaving so badly - I don’t know how you stay.

What an amazing thing you are doing, taking on the care of your stepchild/ren through their grief.

I read your op earlier and can’t stop thinking about the imbalance in your marriage. I echo those who have said to get counselling when the time is right, and be prepared to give up on a man who sounds, at best, very mixed-up. Wish you well.

Like so many others here I wanted to say that you are not being unreasonable and that you sound like a lovely person. If it was only his wife's death that had prompted this behaviour I might suggest you give your husband a few months to get over it, but this clearly goes back a very long way. What he said to you on your honeymoon sounds unbelievably hurtful and also a huge clue about where he really stood/ what he really felt.

It sounds as if the three of you have been in a close relationship throughout your marriage. The fact that he and she decided to live just a few doors apart seems really telling. There was a game going on, whether you recognised it or not, and you deserved better than that.

As PPs have said, give him some time to get over the shock but don't accept any abuse from him. It won't help him grieve properly if he manages his anger and frustration by turning it on you. He needs to direct it onto her and his inability to disentangle himself from her.

Have you thought about finding a therapist you can talk to, to clarify how you feel and enable you to offload? Lots of therapists offer 8-10 week contracts aimed at helping you explore a particular issue. Down the line couples counselling will help you and your husband work out how to move on from here. It may be that with his ex no longer complicating things he will be more available as a husband for you. Or not.

As others have said, it's really important for you to concentrate on what you need at a time when everyone will be wanting a piece of you. It sounds as if you've become the facilitator who's enabled this unhealthy dynamic to function till now. Things are going to change from now on and you're allowed a say in what comes next.

Good luck, really hope things take a turn for the better for you.

Can totally understand he is devastated

Is your marriage to him happy ?

You can’t change the connection one human has to another in the world , you can’t make someone feel a certain way

He married you but that doesn’t mean he should lose connection with other important people in his world

It’ll calm down - look after yourself in meantime xxx

Definitely not being unreasonable.

If it was me I would be very clear and state I know you are grieving which is understandable given your history. But its not OK to lash out at me, be cruel and treat me this way.
If you still continue in your behaviour then you will lose 2 wives as I cannot be made to feel this way by someone I love and who is supposed to love me.

Then leave it at that don't argue etc.

He may be grieving, but he still has control of his language and the way he treats others. His behaviour is shit.

@Emmie12345
I have never expected or demanded he lose any connection with his past life.

We were all close my family my husbands and her hers and her new partners.
We wanted to make it as easy for the kids as possible.
But I just needed to get out how I was feeling as well with out it impacting my home life.
We lost a grandchild at the start of the year so I’m very aware that the kids need support.
I am respectful of my husbands feelings and understandable upset at the moment.

You are in no way selfish and your step children are lucky to have such a supportive and kind-hearted stepmother.

If he had been reminiscing since she died then I could understand that it feels hurtful to you, but also that he is processing the death of his children's mother. The fact he has previously said hurtful things to your and held up his former marriage as some ideal marriage is either deliberately cruel or he hasn't dealt with the lasting impact of relationship issues from that marriage.

Once the dust has settled, he could probably do with some counselling to explore those issues further so that he isn't hurting you and he can move on with a healthy appreciation of his former relationship. If he's unwilling to work on his issues and continues to use his ex as a card to play in an argument then you're probably better off evaluating if this is the right situation for you.

Feelings are what they are and you don't have to apologise. It's a horrible time for everyone and you're being incredibly supportive to the poor children involved. It's natural you also have your own feelings - you're not a robot. It does also sound like your DH has treated you pretty shittily so it's no surprise. When things have settled I'd be reevaluating my relationship with him to be honest.

@Scottishskifun I think that is what I will try to say as I also don’t want arguments before Christmas.

Thank you for all the support and is nice to read that my thoughts and feelings are valid and I don’t have to feel as guilty for how I’m feeling and thinking