husbands ex wife died last week unexpectedly

[Biscuitmonster2318]

I’m expecting to be told what a terrible person I am, selfish etc but I need to get out how I’m feeling. As I would not ever say anything in RL

Nearly two weeks ago my husbands ex wife suddenly passed away. I’ve been looking after the 17 year old stepson and the oldest one by sending meals over for him and his girlfriend.

They were together since 12 and 14 and lived just a few doors away from us. Her youngest child has lived with me and my husband for last 3.5 years.

I’m doing everything I can think of to help support emotionally and physically the boys, my husband and her family.

But I feel like such a nasty awful person because I do find it hard hearing my husband so visibly upset, telling people how they were each other’s first love and how he knows she knew he always loved her.
He snaps at me or just very distant etc. I just ignore it as I understand it’s an awful time.
But I hate how hearing all of these things makes me feel. I’m not a nasty person but hearing it and it reminding me of the times when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was. On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.

I let it pass over me as I knew on each of the occasions things had been said between them. She was always honest that when she was drunk she could make him feel guilty that their marriage hadn’t worked and he would verbally lash out at me. I couldn’t be bothered with his outburst

But right now hearing how upset he is and off with me... all those things are now coming back. I know it’s selfish and I expect to be shot down in flames for it, but it makes me feel like my marriage really was nothing at all!

I just had to get it off my chest so I can go back to being as supportive as I possible can for everyone. I thought if I couldn’t get it out of my head it might get blurred out when I next have to listen to him telling everyone how much she meant to him

I don't blame you for being upset OP. Him being upset doesn't give him the right to be so disrespectful towards you. Even if that's how he feels, he should try not to say certain things infromt of you.
Honestly, I wouldn't have stayed with him after the first time he said something like that.

Going to be blunt - you are being an utter walkover. This is because you are clearly a truly lovely and caring person-but you are totally unappreciated.

I can't understand how anyone can be so passive. You need to walk away now and find someone who treats you as Number 1-find your self respect. It will never get better.

I do not understand why he is so horrible to you OP. Is there a reason for it and why don't you do something about it ?
If you are looking after him and his children it comes across like you are the unpaid and disrespected help.

YANBU to be struggling with your feelings during such a tricky time

Hopefully once the dust settles and it is less raw for your DH and DSSs then your marriage will be in a better place

It is hard to gauge from your messages whether your DH's reaction is 'normal' or whether he has never moved on emotionally from his first wife and you have always been made to feel 'second best'.

OP, do not feel bad, I would feel the same. It’s understandable that he’s upset, they have history and kids together but he should also be considering your feeling and shouldn’t be saying these things too you. I’m not sure if I could deal with it without getting angry and upset. I know if my ex husband died I wouldn’t be that upset, of course it would be sad for my dc’s and I would support them but I have no feeling for him despite having lots of memories.

But I feel like such a nasty awful person because I do find it hard hearing my husband so visibly upset, telling people how they were each other’s first love and how he knows she knew he always loved her.

Your husband is completely out of line in saying all of this. He's being hugely disrespectful to you.

I also think he should be focused on supporting his children who have just lost their mother instead of trying to grab all the sympathy for himself when he and his ex had been long split up.

Not saying he won't feel sad but he's acting totally inappropriately.

I think it is understandable that most people would be upset when an ex dies. However, this isn't all that is going on here.

I’m not a nasty person but hearing it and it reminding me of the times when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was. On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.
What a disgusting specimen your husband is. He said that to you on your honeymoon and you stayed with him? YANBU for how you feel but you were very stupid to stay with a man after he laid his true feelings bare for you. You will always be second best and, now she has gone, he can put her on a pedestal for the rest of his life.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. You deserve better. You will not be happy again with him, knowing how he really feels about his first wife. You are never too old to start a new, happier life.

I had to take a moment before I could reply as I was expecting to be told I was a terribly selfish person.

I’ve stayed in the past because of what I know of her and how she worked.
They were separated for 5 years before I came on the scene. He had two girlfriends before me. But each time it got more than a couple of dates she would then contact him saying she wanted to be with him. He would end with the girls hoping she would come back. Both times once she knew he was single told him that she wasn’t coming back but staying with the bloke she left him for.

She would tell me that she never expected him to leave her or be with anyone. She has done a lot and made him feel in instances he was at fault for them not being together

Then she cries and uses emotional blackmail as she tried it with me by not wanting to invite my oldest stepson to my wedding and inviting her as they had fallen out.

Firstly, I’m so glad for their sake that you have what sounds like a really positive relationship with your step sons. You really do sound nice.

Secondly, the issues between you and your husband pre-date this bereavement by a long way. Now is not the time to confront but you need to quietly start making plans to disengage yourself from this toxic partnership. He is not a good person to say those things to you and quite simply, you deserve better.

lots of good advice here.

I wouldn't make any sudden decisions but keep noting everything, here if necessary.

@Heartlantern2

Hmmm that’s tricky, he is obviously emotional and that’s fair enough.

The main problem here is your a people pleaser. Everyone else comes before you always, because you enable it.

You need to be more selfish, that’s hard for people like you, but how many more lessons you wanna go through before you realise you matter too?

Best thing for you to do is think in your head and name the first five people that matter and you love the absolute most? Who are them five? Have you named them all in your head?

Was you in the top 5? The first person should have been yourself.

This is the best advice ive seen given on this thread and it really struck a chord with me.

Op im so sorry for what youre going through - also would have put up with this as we suffer from the same infliction of keeping the peace and getting on. with things, busying ourselves it seems with making everyone else happy. I have no advice other than to look after yourself and I wish you luck in dealing with this and getting through it.

This is very hard for you, OP.

Well done for being there for the kids - that is important and is such great support for them.

I would park everything else for now - deal with the immediate situation, focus on the kids who have lost their Mum, give your DH some leeway because she was the mother of his kids and that is always a lifelong bond, whatever else happens subsequently.

But then, when the dust has settled, I would address the things he says to you. Focus on the outbursts. Seek counselling and support: is he serious about your marriage? Does he have genuine love for you? What are his issues that make him behave like such an arsehole for saying such things to you in anger.

I would set yourself a date for the future to start on this can of worms.

Don't be his punchbag, the workhorse he 'settled' for, the woman who took on the heavy lifting for the care of his kids.

He needs to be honest and either address his issues and behaviour (which is not acceptable) and love you properly, or he needs to be honest and let you know.

Acknowledge it as a problem to be solved, give yourself a timetable, which may help with getting on with dealing with the aftermath of her death in the meantime.

Sending to you.

I think it is perfectly normal for you to be struggling. My DP's mother died very unexpectedly a few weeks ago and I have been the target of his anger - his grief was mainly anger to start with.

I acknowledged his grief the first couple of times but was less understanding as the days past. He has stopped now. I think there is a level of what you are "expected" to accept.

I felt very rejected by him and his family as a result of their grief but too scared to mention it. If it is very early days, things will calm down but I understand (to an extent) how you are feeling.

Oh OP. You deserve better than this.

Agree with above. He’s a dick.

There is nothing at all unreasonable about how you are feeling.
Time to think about what you truly want long term. You deserve so much more than this man, and the new year is a great time to start taking steps towards a new future.

You are wonderful for being there for your stepsons and getting them through the first Xmas without their mum will obviously be the priority (should be their dads priority frankly!) but you don’t have to stay with this man because you love his kids. As they are young adults, they will be able to keep seeing you on terms that work for all of you, once you are settled you could arrange a weekly dinner night.

(My grown up son still visits his former stepdad a few times a year, would be more often but he’s a few hundred miles away).

Time to put yourself first, because your husband clearly doesn’t.

What the hell was he doing talking to you in anger on your honeymoon FGS?

You have been 'managing' this for a long time, OP. Once this period is over, face it full on.

Not the same i know but i imagine for your DH is even more intense.

six years ago my Ex-bf (on and off for four years) passed away very suddenly. I was absolutely beside myself and my family couldn't work out why as he had always treated me terribly and i didn't have feelings for him anymore.

But it wasn't about my romantic feelings, he was someone I had once loved, someone who made a massive impact on my life and someone I cared for and I was so angry and confused at how this could happen.

I have since met the love of my life and got married but there are still some occasional pangs of sadness for a young man whose life was so wasted.

I imagine for your husband it is even more complex as he was married to her and had children with her and his grief is even more compounded by his grief for his kids losing their mother.

It's an incredibly hard thing to comprehend when you've never been through it but I don't think your feelings are irrational either. It's a shock but please don't take his grief as a signal regarding his feelings for you. They're not - he's lost and confused.

Please make sure you take time for yourselves and just be there for their kids at this time.

Thoughts are with you guys.

I dont think you should feel bad or unreasonable at all.
My heart goes out to you.

You're doing a great job supporting his children. It's very sad he refers to hers and his as the only real marriage and yours is not. There is a reason why his didnt work out and there is a reason his with you now.
But to be honest I dont feel he is such a great husband to you. I would be devastated if my husband spoke about his exes like that. Granted, it's sad that she has passed and I am completely sympathetic that she was the mother if the children. But he moved on with his life and married you. There is no excuse for him to be treating you this way, ir verbally abusive towards you considering you're going all out for the children.

I would sit back and evaluate this marriage.
It seems all one sided.

Wish you all the best !

He's not being very nice to you - if he has angst/guilt about his first marriage failing he should seek counselling not rant at you

@NewYearNewPlumbing

This is very hard for you, OP.

Well done for being there for the kids - that is important and is such great support for them.

I would park everything else for now - deal with the immediate situation, focus on the kids who have lost their Mum, give your DH some leeway because she was the mother of his kids and that is always a lifelong bond, whatever else happens subsequently.

But then, when the dust has settled, I would address the things he says to you. Focus on the outbursts. Seek counselling and support: is he serious about your marriage? Does he have genuine love for you? What are his issues that make him behave like such an arsehole for saying such things to you in anger.

I would set yourself a date for the future to start on this can of worms.

Don't be his punchbag, the workhorse he 'settled' for, the woman who took on the heavy lifting for the care of his kids.

He needs to be honest and either address his issues and behaviour (which is not acceptable) and love you properly, or he needs to be honest and let you know.

Acknowledge it as a problem to be solved, give yourself a timetable, which may help with getting on with dealing with the aftermath of her death in the meantime.

Sending to you.

This is great advice.

This situation was abominable for you when she was alive. Now she is dead the bar will be raised to virtual sainthood

Just because you love your step kids and want to look out for them doesn't mean you have to stay with their father. I am sure your DH is upset, but that is no excuse for his treatment of you. He is emotionally abusive.

@Bells3032

Not the same i know but i imagine for your DH is even more intense.

six years ago my Ex-bf (on and off for four years) passed away very suddenly. I was absolutely beside myself and my family couldn't work out why as he had always treated me terribly and i didn't have feelings for him anymore.

But it wasn't about my romantic feelings, he was someone I had once loved, someone who made a massive impact on my life and someone I cared for and I was so angry and confused at how this could happen.

I have since met the love of my life and got married but there are still some occasional pangs of sadness for a young man whose life was so wasted.

I imagine for your husband it is even more complex as he was married to her and had children with her and his grief is even more compounded by his grief for his kids losing their mother.

It's an incredibly hard thing to comprehend when you've never been through it but I don't think your feelings are irrational either. It's a shock but please don't take his grief as a signal regarding his feelings for you. They're not - he's lost and confused.

Please make sure you take time for yourselves and just be there for their kids at this time.

Thoughts are with you guys.

In fairness though, if you had met the love of your life before your ex's passing, when he did would you have spoken about him in the manner OP is describing in her posts?

I can't imagine many people would stand in front of their current partner wailing about how their ex was their first love and they still loved them.

Obviously he will be upset that she has died so unexpectedly but equally he needs to spare a thought for his current wife!

Wow, how unkind is he! He chose to marry you then undermines you and you put up with it.
As has already been said, you are clearly a people pleaser (doormat) and he's taken and is still taking advantage.
Start to value yourself then others will value you. Stand up for yourself and don't put up with his crap anymore.

How are you feeling OP? You lived close to this woman and looked after their kids. You obviously had chats with her, were you close at all? You could be grieving too, and no one looking after you at this time.