husbands ex wife died last week unexpectedly

[Biscuitmonster2318]

I’m expecting to be told what a terrible person I am, selfish etc but I need to get out how I’m feeling. As I would not ever say anything in RL

Nearly two weeks ago my husbands ex wife suddenly passed away. I’ve been looking after the 17 year old stepson and the oldest one by sending meals over for him and his girlfriend.

They were together since 12 and 14 and lived just a few doors away from us. Her youngest child has lived with me and my husband for last 3.5 years.

I’m doing everything I can think of to help support emotionally and physically the boys, my husband and her family.

But I feel like such a nasty awful person because I do find it hard hearing my husband so visibly upset, telling people how they were each other’s first love and how he knows she knew he always loved her.
He snaps at me or just very distant etc. I just ignore it as I understand it’s an awful time.
But I hate how hearing all of these things makes me feel. I’m not a nasty person but hearing it and it reminding me of the times when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was. On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.

I let it pass over me as I knew on each of the occasions things had been said between them. She was always honest that when she was drunk she could make him feel guilty that their marriage hadn’t worked and he would verbally lash out at me. I couldn’t be bothered with his outburst

But right now hearing how upset he is and off with me... all those things are now coming back. I know it’s selfish and I expect to be shot down in flames for it, but it makes me feel like my marriage really was nothing at all!

I just had to get it off my chest so I can go back to being as supportive as I possible can for everyone. I thought if I couldn’t get it out of my head it might get blurred out when I next have to listen to him telling everyone how much she meant to him

As a less than perfect bloke, I would say your husband is the problem here. You would be more than justified in walking out and not looking back, that's all he deserves.

I would hate this and wouldn't feel comfortable being in the relationship
My dad went like this when my mother died
Posting pics of her on fb etc
Must have been really awkward for his partner (who was the ow)

Its bad enough that he said those things when she was alive. I think thats actually abusive to say those things to you, and now shes dead, hes gone into overdrive. He really doesnt give a shit about how much you hurt does he.
Sending hugs. You know you dont have to live like that

He just said that I’m in the wrong and unsupportive and can’t accept he had a past life before him and have always been jealous?
That if it was me crying and saying things about my ex he would be very supportive and look after me.

I absolutely know that is not true at all.

Sorry as I am for her children it does not give him the right to treat you like shit. Seems like he has for quite a while and I suggest it is time to have a think about whether this is the life you want forever. Forgive him being a prick as his ex wife has died, fine, but on top of years of it. No.

@Emmie12345

Can totally understand he is devastated

Is your marriage to him happy ?

You can’t change the connection one human has to another in the world , you can’t make someone feel a certain way

He married you but that doesn’t mean he should lose connection with other important people in his world

It’ll calm down - look after yourself in meantime xxx

Are you kidding?

It's one thing feeling sadness, it's another to go on about how much you still loved your ex and how they were your first love etc etc in front of your wife!

I'm surprised some posters are making excuses for him. I would never put with this kind of treatment under any circumstances. These are words that can not be taken back and he is being utterly horrible and has been utterly horrible to you. Why oh why do people accept being treated like this. You are not being selfish to expect to be treated with respect as his wife. It's really bad behaviour on his part and I would never forgive it.

He just said that I’m in the wrong and unsupportive and can’t accept he had a past life before him and have always been jealous?
Oh no, any benefit of the doubt I was willing to give regarding hangups from previous relationships has just disappeared.
You married him. When you marry a divorced person and become a step parent to their children you accept they have a life before you.

What is it with men harping on about their exes, being unpleasant to their current partners insisting that their new partner is jealous when they call out unpleasant behaviour?

hes gaslighting you

jealous of what-mayb the fact he keeps going on about how wonderful she was and how he loves her so

the fact is-he was doing this before she died so its not just grief is it

When someone is grieving it is very intense . They were together a long time

Your honeymoon is a different issue - I personally wouldn’t have stayed with someone who said that to me .

Many of the posts about being tougher with yourself deserve rereading as they make good points.
His reactions are unreasonable but I guess you would not want to challenge things too much. At a mere two weeks that is right.
But after funeral and whilst sorting things out you should make sure he changes to being nicer to you. He must be made to acknowledge the hurt he has caused you.

If he change at all it will be gradual. Don't though let him off the hook though.
At 17 his son can be asked for his opinions on the way his Father has treated you.
I don't envy you these next few weeks.
Kindest thoughts.

First ever. LTB

Christ alive, OP, I'm so sorry you think this is all you deserve.

He's emotionally abusing you. I sincerely hope you wake up and get rid before long, and bollocks to his pathetic mooning over a woman who didn't want him.

Walk away. Grieving someone's death is no excuse for his behaviour before her death or after it to be honest. If he loves her so much, why did he leave her and marry you? He kept her dangling her whole life and you're now an easy one to control and get to do everything from the sounds of it. Divorce him. You should have done that ages ago.

mate, you're not a terrible person. I dont think many people would put up with half of this shit.

I get a man being sad that his ex wife had died, in the same way you would if, a close friend had died. There is history, they share children, i'd get that. Dp hates his ex but i would expect him to be a bit sad, you know?

I wouldn't be happy about him telling all and sundry that he still loved her, and i definitely wouldnt be happy about him basically saying youre nothing compared to her. At that point he would have been swiftly told to fuck off back to her, then.

Its so hard OP. I dont know what to suggest, other than be kind to yourself.

@Biscuitmonster2318 you sound a lovely caring person. Do whatever you have to do to get you and the kids through these early weeks.

But I just wanted to add another voice that no one on their honeymoon should tell you they love their first wife more!

I am respectful of my husbands feelings
I think you should expect the same of your dh.

Actually he doesn't sound nice at all. You are keeping his family together and he blames you for everything. The way he treats you is appalling. I hope you realize you are worth far more than how he is treating you, grieving or not.

He doesn't sound very nice. Even before she died he seemed to rub it in your face that he'll always love her more.

But it also sounds like she manipulated him and he must be struggling with alot of feelings.
If you didn't leave when he was nasty before then now's not the time to leave. But I would be making it clear that he doesn't get to take his pain out on you and you would support him if he stopped saying nasty things to you. If it continues after a month or two then I'd be firmly putting my foot down that he'll be losing two wives if he carries on pushing you away.

My exH told me a few times (while we were married) that the biggest mistake of his life was not marrying his high-school girlfriend.
I wonder if he's ever told his current wife the same thing....
Some men can be tossers, if I was you I'd be re-evaluating my marriage.

I think he's self obsessed and making this death all about him

your behaviour is admirable, only you can decide how you behalf and what you'll accept from others

'LTB' is so often touted as the solution on Mumsnet threads that it's become a parody of itself. I don't think OP was seriously considering this possibility when she posted this thread. She wanted affirmation of her real feelings, genuinely didn't know whether these were unreasonable or otherwise, and fully expected to receive a textual kicking for being jealous of her husband's grief over his ex's death. This, doubtless, is because this is the narrative she's receiving from him (as later confirmed upthread).

It's going to be a new idea right now that it isn't her jealousy that is the problem but her husband's constantly dangling the love he had for his ex in her face. Quite what he gets out of doing that is another question. But overwhelmingly, the thread has agreed that it's not her feelings that are the problem, but the behaviour that has provoked those feelings.

This is all probably going to take some time to process. If you're on the receiving end of this kind of emotional cruelty it's not always easy to see this straight away.

OP, take time to process your feelings and decide what you want. You are on top of Christmas, have a funeral hanging over you and have a lot on your plate all at once. Think it through one step at a time and lean on professional help if you need it. You don't need to make any overnight decisions, but to think through with time and consideration exactly what you want for your future.

You do deserve better and I hope you find it, whatever decision you ultimately make

You should have been gone a long time ago, perhaps after the honeymoon. You deserve better than this.

You seem to care for your step children, for their sake, I would maybe not to anything immediately. But make it your new year resolution to start a new chapter.

But I hate how hearing all of these things makes me feel. I’m not a nasty person but hearing it and it reminding me of the times when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was. On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.

He is not unreasonable to be upset about her death, they shared a significant time together and it's understandable that he is upset but and this is really important, you are not unreasonable for being upset at his treatment of you, treatment that predates her death. It is not ok that he has said these things to you, even in anger.

You are not a nasty person, at all, you are supporting a family in grief and that is to be commended but you are important too. I worry that if he can say things like this when she was alive he will come out with worse now she's gone. Is this what you want? Living in the shadow of a dead woman?

Honestly if my husband ever said anything like that to me I would find it hard to come back from.

TBH I can't see why you stayed married to him after the honeymoon when he said such appalling things to you. That would have been the end for me, knowing that he didn't see our marriage as the real one.