husbands ex wife died last week unexpectedly

[Biscuitmonster2318]

I’m expecting to be told what a terrible person I am, selfish etc but I need to get out how I’m feeling. As I would not ever say anything in RL

Nearly two weeks ago my husbands ex wife suddenly passed away. I’ve been looking after the 17 year old stepson and the oldest one by sending meals over for him and his girlfriend.

They were together since 12 and 14 and lived just a few doors away from us. Her youngest child has lived with me and my husband for last 3.5 years.

I’m doing everything I can think of to help support emotionally and physically the boys, my husband and her family.

But I feel like such a nasty awful person because I do find it hard hearing my husband so visibly upset, telling people how they were each other’s first love and how he knows she knew he always loved her.
He snaps at me or just very distant etc. I just ignore it as I understand it’s an awful time.
But I hate how hearing all of these things makes me feel. I’m not a nasty person but hearing it and it reminding me of the times when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was. On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.

I let it pass over me as I knew on each of the occasions things had been said between them. She was always honest that when she was drunk she could make him feel guilty that their marriage hadn’t worked and he would verbally lash out at me. I couldn’t be bothered with his outburst

But right now hearing how upset he is and off with me... all those things are now coming back. I know it’s selfish and I expect to be shot down in flames for it, but it makes me feel like my marriage really was nothing at all!

I just had to get it off my chest so I can go back to being as supportive as I possible can for everyone. I thought if I couldn’t get it out of my head it might get blurred out when I next have to listen to him telling everyone how much she meant to him

he sounds not very nice and to say those things to you is horrific. You were second best in life, do you really want to be second best to an immortalized ghost? Please leave and start your life with someone who deserves you.

He's being awful. Grieving is not a license to be nasty to someone. And I don't think sobbing for weeks about your ex wife in front of your current partner is acceptable. The fact is your marriage was on the rocks anyway.

Get through Christmas for the sake of the kids. You only have another month or so to put up with it and then you can leave with a clear conscience. He honestly sounds awful and has been treating you badly from the very beginning it seems.

I’ve managed to send him to his ex-wife’s family for Christmas Day food!

As I don’t need his crap with my kids as they would feel unwelcome x

Reading between the lines it sounds like their marriage was far from blissful? I think he has been intentionally using his ex and their relationship to try and control you and to be cruel. Who ended the marriage? If it was her, it may be her rejection he can’t get over, - again a control thing, rather than the loss of the actual person. If she was very unstable and difficult and he ended it, he may have become codependent on the drama and “passion” of a volatile and toxic relationship. People do it all the time, reframing a fucking nightmare as some kind of doomed cosmic love story like Cathy and Heathcliffe.
Whatever the reason, he has weaponised his past and intentionally hurts you.

I understand you staying beyond Christmas for the children, that is so lovely of you, but when you leave, make sure they know you love them and would love to see them to catch up in town if they wanted but understand if not.
Make sure they know you are leaving an unhealthy relationship with their father which was bad for both of you, but that you have done to care for them dearly.
You will need to block their dad and he will be vindictive when you go and say the cruelest things he can to make you hurt.

I’m so thrilled you have your own house and adult children. This will make it much easier.

• come, not “done”

At least you can enjoy Christmas Day! You are a wonderful step mum, and their wholly inadequate petty abusive father never deserved you. Ever.

Hearing such kind words and advice has had me in tears most of last night and this morning.
The kindness in the replies is very appreciated. As I really did think when I started the post that I would be told how terrible and insensitive I am

I can't help feeling your heart attack and stroke are your bodies way of trying to tell you to slow down, lessen your stress, look after yourself full stop never mind more!

I understand your step son feeling guilt at enjoying anything with you. I lived with foster parents and moved to near enough to my birth mother to be able to see here when I wanted. I really liked my FM and felt very guilty for wanting to see BM. I was worried my FM would feel I didn't care about her. Someone else helped me talk to her about it and FM reassured me but I still felt bad.

OP,

The fact that he makes your children feel uncomfortable is very disturbing.

Have you put him and his children, ahead of your own?

He sounds like a nasty mean man who has used you as his emotional punching bag for years.

How do your children feel about him and your marriage?

It's hard to believe that they haven't seen his meanness towards you.

If they have and he has made uncomfortable, well then I think you have been wrong to put his children and him ahead of your own.

It sounds like a try awful environment from day one.

I have huge sympathy for your children in this.

They live in your old house while you mind him and his children.......and you say they would love to have you back.

It all sounds very strange...years of putting this awful man ahead of everyone....

I know grief makes us do strange things, but your husband sounds awful and you shouldn't be putting up with his vicious words.

I think you are a kind and caring person to be putting your step children before your own happiness and your health. I agree with PP about staying until Jan, and then move to your house.

The step children will be in the grieving process for some time I imagine. You can still support them, if they want it/you want to give it, whilst being away from their father. It is harsh, but you don't owe them or your husband anything, so please do what is right for you.

OP this is not about her death, this is about him being absolutely vile to you during your entire marriage. The fact she's died is a red herring.

You,don't deserve this, make 2021 the year you put YOU first.

But to hear or read him say it actually makes me cringe as it’s just all fake and I feel like I’m the person he married cos he couldn’t have what he wanted. But that I’m just the one he has had to make do with

Listen to that feeling. When it suits him he says things to make you feel second-best to his ex. When he's feeling angry or spiteful, maybe because you are disagreeing with him and he wants to punish you and get back control. And when you start acting cooler to him, then he reels you back in by telling you he loves you. Both are fake. He likes playing games and messing with your head. He enjoys punishing you and belittling you and making you run round after him.

And he and his ex are both equally manipulators. She enjoyed reeling him in and then dropping him again, playing power games with him. Goodness only knows what games he was playing with her all these years (and I can't help wondering if they were still having sex together even after they both had other partners, given how close the families are and the level of gameplaying that carried on between them. Did they ever get the opportunity for that?) And he certainly enjoys playing power games over you.

He can "do whatever he needs to do" in terms of taking some space. But not in terms of snapping and aggression. But be careful. If his attempt at lovebombing doesn't work and you try to refuse intimacy for much longer, my worry is that to get his own back and regain control he will force sex with you and then tell you that you deserve it. You don't deserve any of this but do look after yourself and do whatever you need to do to stay safe.

Usually I like to be patient, but I have no time for this.

Pain and heartbreak is not an excuse for rudeness, any more than "whiskey talking" He is still more than capable of saying please and thank you and treating you with some respect.

I am sorry for his loss, and even more for the children, but don't excuse his rudeness.

So your stepsons will be going to their mother's family as well at Christmas? I think it's a good plan, to be honest - to give you a break and be with people who love and care for you as you should be.
I'm sure the stepsons will be loved and cared for with their relatives too but it does stop the nonsense with the husband.