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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husbands ex wife died last week unexpectedly

214 replies

Biscuitmonster2318 · 16/12/2020 10:03

I’m expecting to be told what a terrible person I am, selfish etc but I need to get out how I’m feeling. As I would not ever say anything in RL

Nearly two weeks ago my husbands ex wife suddenly passed away. I’ve been looking after the 17 year old stepson and the oldest one by sending meals over for him and his girlfriend.

They were together since 12 and 14 and lived just a few doors away from us. Her youngest child has lived with me and my husband for last 3.5 years.

I’m doing everything I can think of to help support emotionally and physically the boys, my husband and her family.

But I feel like such a nasty awful person because I do find it hard hearing my husband so visibly upset, telling people how they were each other’s first love and how he knows she knew he always loved her.
He snaps at me or just very distant etc. I just ignore it as I understand it’s an awful time.
But I hate how hearing all of these things makes me feel. I’m not a nasty person but hearing it and it reminding me of the times when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was. On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.

I let it pass over me as I knew on each of the occasions things had been said between them. She was always honest that when she was drunk she could make him feel guilty that their marriage hadn’t worked and he would verbally lash out at me. I couldn’t be bothered with his outburst

But right now hearing how upset he is and off with me... all those things are now coming back. I know it’s selfish and I expect to be shot down in flames for it, but it makes me feel like my marriage really was nothing at all!

I just had to get it off my chest so I can go back to being as supportive as I possible can for everyone. I thought if I couldn’t get it out of my head it might get blurred out when I next have to listen to him telling everyone how much she meant to him

OP posts:
IseeIsee · 16/12/2020 16:42

He sounds horrible and treats you as his personal punching bag. Yabvu to be so soft. You will get zero thanks for it.

Dobbyismyfavourite · 16/12/2020 16:48

Everything that @tsmainsqueeze says. Your DH maybe grieving but he has been very unkind to you with comparing you to his first wife. I think in time I would be addressing this head on and wouldn't be tolerating these types of comments in future.

hammeringinmyhead · 16/12/2020 16:49

This marriage is dead in the water, OP.

Milliepossum · 16/12/2020 16:57

Your relationship with your step children is separate to that of your husband, please see that, and continue to help them, but get rid of him as he’s toxic.

BuntysTwinkle · 16/12/2020 16:58

Perhaps now is not the best time to make changes as everyone is feeling so raw and it is just before Christmas. But once the holiday period is over I think you should call it a day. In his eyes you will always come second best and that is no way to live.

This. Don't think it will fade. It's possible, but it's more likely that she will now become some untouchable image of perfection that you can never live up to.

cakecakecheese · 16/12/2020 17:02

This is just so awful.

Definite gaslighting here. Your feelings are valid and not unreasonable in the slightest. It's so sad that he's done this to you where you were actually believing you were in the wrong here.

You are dealing with so much crap here, please get some support for yourself. .

More than anything you need to realise that your husband should never have made you feel like you were second best. You deserve so much better and I hope you start to believe that soon.

SynchroSwimmer · 16/12/2020 17:23

This might not be helpful, but I can partially understand some of what your husband is thinking - i.e. remembering the good times with his ex-wife.

A good close friend of mine was found dead this year, my brain is remembering all the good emotional interesting lovely, life enhancing times with him - and replaying these great things in my mind.

My brain has “forgotten” the bad times, that for the last 18 months he ignored me, blanked me, probably bad-mouthed me to others.

I’m not explaining very well, but I think in grief your head remembers the nice things - and part of what your husband is doing just now might be explained by this in his immediate grief.

Totally respect how you are handling yourself and his you are caring for his family.

FreshFreesias · 16/12/2020 17:31

You are a saint OP.
He sounds vile. He is taking advantage of a kind person. Have you thought about leaving?

BlueThistles · 16/12/2020 17:36

I'm heart sorry for you and your situation OP 😔

you are being treated so badly my lovely and have been for a very long time... I literally don't know what to say except I agree with every poster on here...

take good care of yourself OP ... you matter greatly 🌺

goopsoup · 16/12/2020 17:42

He sounds more and more awful with every post, OP. Don't waste your life on him. Leave him to his memories and make better ones with someone else.

He snaps at me or just very distant etc. I just ignore it as I understand it’s an awful time.

reminding me of the times when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was.

On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.

With a husband like this, who needs an enemy. Let him sort his own kids out, don't left a finger.

Cam2020 · 16/12/2020 17:44

I think he sounds like he's been emotionally abusive to you on more than one occasion by using the spectre of his first wife to haunt you, even when she was alive. To be honest, I don't think it's you who is the one who doesn't sound very nice, OP.

AethelsWhiteGoose · 16/12/2020 17:46

I would continue to support the children but make plans to leave. You sound like a lovely, caring person op. Flowers

Wantsadvice1978909 · 16/12/2020 18:04

You’re doing so amazing by being their for the children. He should be thanking you for keeping it all together. He sounds like a very nasty man. How dare he be so cruel towards you! I’d make it very clear to him that if he carries on dismissing you then you’ll no longer be picking up the pieces (which I suspect you’ve been doing thru out the whole relationship). I feel for the kids and I understand he’s obviously going to feel upset but that is no excuse to be so vile towards you!

My ideal advice would be to leave. Support the children as much as you can but not him. You deserve a lot better, and this seems to have been going on long before her death.

BlueJag · 16/12/2020 18:07

You simple deserve a hug and a shake. You are absolutely adorable and he is a swine.
Normal people don't grieve about their exe's like that. I can understand to be very sad for his children but not for himself.
Sounds like he never got over her.
Please know that you deserve much, much better than this.
He has been a c... to you.

ravenmum · 16/12/2020 18:10

Normal people don't grieve about their exe's like that. I can understand to be very sad for his children but not for himself.
I was with my exh for 20+ years. He was a total shit to me at the end, but of course I would still grieve if he died. I just wouldn't make my bf feel like crap at the same time.

Eleganz · 16/12/2020 18:11

Well he is certainly telling you loud and clear that you are just the stand in for his "lost love". I presume she ended the marriage?

Like others have said, this attitude started way before his ex died. His grief is neither the reason not the excuse for his treatment of you.

Original poster
Biscuitmonster2318 · 17/12/2020 01:17

Thank you for all your replies. Some of it was hard to read, insofar, as it’s how I’ve been feeling for a while.

I just need to get the lads through the next few weeks. The funeral is soon and I’ve been told ‘it’s ridiculous idea to say I’m not going and just trying to cause issues again’ that it isn’t about me but supporting other people, namely him and his boys.
I would give the Earth for his sons. I resent he always adds them in to everything as if I don’t do anything for them or care about them.
But how the venue is situated 15 have the front couple of rows and he has said he is sitting at the front with lads. As he needs to get his sons through it and is only really this upset for them. But then in next conversation tells me I’m wrong for not accepting how he is feeling.
I really hate been told what I think and feel as it always seems to be twisted to show I’m not doing the right thing. That I’m not trying my best to get it right and look after everyone.
Whilst also feeling I don’t belong in the house.
I think he is more upset than her actual husband and I think the way it will work with distancing is her husband will be on second row and her ex on the first.

He is going in the car with his sisters and her daughter in laws and a couple of friends after close family, kids, mum dad and siblings etc in the first.

So I have to make my own way there as he said he had to go in the car with the others.
Then I’m stood in the conservatory with the next 15 people and then drinks and food at a place connecting to the funeral place for the 30 people.

He says I’m being utterly ridiculous and just trying to cause arguments and making it about me.

I’ve been told on Monday after he was a real idiot on Sunday and most of Monday and snapping at me. That I didn’t want to go in the dining room.
I told him it wasn’t right. I was told that he is emotionally apart to deal with it and I have to accept as he would not care if it was me going through it.

Lots of stuff going round in my head and I never really bothered with a lot of stuff he has said in the past about me and his ex wife. As I don’t have any jealous or mean feelings towards. I spoke and viewed her as a close family friend.
The only thing I had an issue with was him trying to hurt me and make me always feel I was wanting to much.
Sometimes it still feels like I’m the other woman and just a fling.

I don’t want it anymore

I want a life where my thoughts are important.
I had said a day before this happened that I wasn’t happy as I’m in a marriage, with lots of family and kids etc around and I feel very lonely most of the time

Sorry
Ramble over

OP posts:
ShopoholicIn · 17/12/2020 01:34

@Heartlantern2
Brilliantly advice..

@Biscuitmonster2318 Yanbu n agree u r a saint to put up with all this , where do you draw a line.?

BlueThistles · 17/12/2020 02:04

OP ... get through this next phase... then you leave my lovely.. and you find that freedom and your thoughts and life will be your own again 🌺

Lorw · 17/12/2020 02:05

Your husband sounds like a master manipulator if I’m honest. So much so that he makes you feel bad when he’s the one behaving badly. Get out now and find a man who will worship the ground you walk on, it’s never too late and life is far too short to be second best.

Scottishskifun · 17/12/2020 02:11

It's not for him to decide where to sit at the funeral her husband, his sons and her family come first and the undertaker and staff will direct accordingly.

I think your putting up with a lot and yes get through the funeral first but afterwards don't accept this sort of behaviour towards you your worth way more

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 17/12/2020 02:34

Another poster here who really felt @Heartlantern2 ‘s post .

And OP you wrote this

I am respectful of my husbands feelings and understandable upset at the moment

Sweet, you need to acknowledge your feelings and understandable upset as well. Sad Flowers

Original poster
Biscuitmonster2318 · 17/12/2020 02:49

I have screenshot the post by @Heartlantern2 as I really appreciated the post and it made a lot of sense.

I think because once all this over, I know I can’t be made to feel I’m in the wrong etc I will find it easier to say enough is enough.

But I do worry about the boys but I have a house not far away that I can move back into at end of January, beginning of February.

I really need to sort myself out and have the future and family I want.
As I do think I deserve that in life

OP posts:
Bmidreams · 17/12/2020 03:33

I'm so glad you have a place to go to.

timeisnotaline · 17/12/2020 03:43

I hope her actually family and husband get the front row Shock. So glad you have somewhere to go and escape this emotional black hole of a man.