husbands ex wife died last week unexpectedly

[Biscuitmonster2318]

I’m expecting to be told what a terrible person I am, selfish etc but I need to get out how I’m feeling. As I would not ever say anything in RL

Nearly two weeks ago my husbands ex wife suddenly passed away. I’ve been looking after the 17 year old stepson and the oldest one by sending meals over for him and his girlfriend.

They were together since 12 and 14 and lived just a few doors away from us. Her youngest child has lived with me and my husband for last 3.5 years.

I’m doing everything I can think of to help support emotionally and physically the boys, my husband and her family.

But I feel like such a nasty awful person because I do find it hard hearing my husband so visibly upset, telling people how they were each other’s first love and how he knows she knew he always loved her.
He snaps at me or just very distant etc. I just ignore it as I understand it’s an awful time.
But I hate how hearing all of these things makes me feel. I’m not a nasty person but hearing it and it reminding me of the times when he has said in anger how he could only ever love his first wife, how I’m nothing and will never be anything like she was. On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.

I let it pass over me as I knew on each of the occasions things had been said between them. She was always honest that when she was drunk she could make him feel guilty that their marriage hadn’t worked and he would verbally lash out at me. I couldn’t be bothered with his outburst

But right now hearing how upset he is and off with me... all those things are now coming back. I know it’s selfish and I expect to be shot down in flames for it, but it makes me feel like my marriage really was nothing at all!

I just had to get it off my chest so I can go back to being as supportive as I possible can for everyone. I thought if I couldn’t get it out of my head it might get blurred out when I next have to listen to him telling everyone how much she meant to him

After our marriage imploded following the death of our grandson I stayed with a friend whilst the couple I rented it to used the situation to be able to move back before getting locked down. So I moved back to my house. Which worked out quite well.
My oldest children who are 24, 22 came back home too which was nice and they are in there now.
So they would love to have me back
With banners and balloons as there cooking attempts aren’t going great.

I hate how I feel though. That I’m a really bad, uncaring person and you shouldn’t walk away when other people need support.

That I’m not a good person because if I was I would be able to just accept how it is. Which of course I do and am doing as much as I can. But I just feel invisible unless something is needed or I purposely couldn’t be bothered. Just to see what happens.

Which I know is mean. But in the summer I found out I had had a heart attack and a month ago I had a small stroke.

So I’m struggling with everything at the moment

Sit down and speak to the boys directly the youngest is 17 so they will understand.

Tell the boys you will not attend the funeral out of respect as due to covid numbers are restricted.

So you will be at home thinking of them but you can see closer family and friends need priority currently.

I’ll bet on the day if you go to the funeral and then theres issue over numbers your H will use the opportunity to blame you some more.

Stop telling him anything. Just communicate on a need to know basis.

Your H is a nasty little man. Not surprised his first wife walked out on him.

Just read the whole thread and in all honesty you are close to sainthood for putting up with his shit for as long as you have!

It's lovely that you're there supporting his sons in the loss of their mother, and I agree you should do that as long as you are able to - but fuck this "marriage", your H has told you exactly what he thinks of you and continues to think of you now.
Thing is, he can't play the role of grieving widower while he still has a living wife - so I'd allow him the space to be the grieving widower all he wants by leaving him to it and divorcing him.

You've done FAR MORE than any sane and normal person could have expected of you thus far - he's pushing for more because he knows he can bully and coerce you into it, like he has before, by playing on your good nature.

You must stand up for yourself here - your stress is palpable and is coming out in physical symptoms, so you need to get out in the New Year and go to your own children for some help and support for yourself for once. If your stepsons need support still, you can still do that from a distance - phones, face time etc. - but for goodness' sake get out before the next lockdown so you don't have to listen to old moanyarse wanging on and on about his ex and blaming you for not being her. I'm not at all surprised she left him for someone else, if that's what he was like with her (he probably was)!

If you haven't yet heard of "grey rock" technique, then look it up and do that to your H. Ignore any of his pointed comments, refuse to be upset by them, but also do not go out of your way to be helpful to him any longer. Help his boys as much as they need, but he can sort himself out now, since he considers you so "second rate". He'll have to soon enough anyway, when you leave, so he might as well get the practice in now.

You are wonderful OP - start listening to your own needs and prioritise your health.

You deserve way more than you’re getting from this marriage.

Blimey. Who are you married to? He sounds utterly full of himself. Why does he get to choose the front row? Everything is always about him. It’s time people started standing up to him. Her current husband should be on the front row. Protect yourself. Move back to your house now. Tell your stepsons they can come and see you whenever you like. Do not go to the funeral. You are going to feel even worse. There is no requirement for you to go. Start living YOUR life with the little time you have left. You sound like s lovely person and your husband treats you like a crap second class citizen. He is disgusting and you know this.

If you can then move back in with your DCs now. Don't go to the funeral. It is not your place to go to his exs and he will be there to support his sons. Start looking after you.

Agree to going to the funeral leave after them and just dont go he sounds like he has been torturing you for years and I worry it will get worse he couldn't have her when she was living he will lay claim to her now she has passed I knew a man who went his entire life mourning an ex the love of his life he wore her bracelet and necklace only wire the style of clothing she liked food she liked etc they were together a couple of weeks total but his devotion lasted years she had died so no one could compare to her

@Heartlantern2 wow, that really struck home with me. Actually made me cry. Thank you.

He's not being very nice to you actually, or thinking about your feelings. I appreciate he's upset by her death, but you are a person with feelings too. A little bit of consideration for your feelings wouldn't hurt. He doesn't sound very nice if I'm being honest. Wonder what he'd say if it was the other way round. Hope you're ok. Xx

I just saw your update about your own health issues. Don't you owe it to your own children (as well s yourself!) to detach yourself from this miserable situation before you end up really ill? You won't be able to rely on your DH to look after you plus you are heading for long term lasting stress related problems . I respect your love for YOUR stepsons and their grief will be shattering. But are they aware things already were shaky in your marriage? Did they know about the October implosion? Is it possible that father and sons all lean on one another through this period and you can slip away - while always making it clear you love the boys and are there for them whenever they need?

I know its usually not considered okay to voice out loud, - in terms of relationships - "but what's in it for me" - but I do seriously think that it's now about time that you did...

@HiveHoofHole

On a honeymoon he told me in anger how his and hers was the real marriage before god etc.

God can take a backseat for a while. Legally, your marriage is very real and so too would be your claim for financial assets. I would not put up with this particularly as his behaviour is not sudden and culminating from the shock of a death. It goes deeper than that and he is deeply unpleasant. I would start to unbundle myself from this marriage.

I agree. If you DH told you this wasn’t a real marriage whilst on your Honeymoon, I would’ve annulled the marriage. It’s clear he’s never got over his ex wife (even before she died), especially as you lived on the same street! You’re being used, OP :(

Could you leave for a while? Stay with someone else? Shouting at you all the time is not excusable and you shouldn’t just accept it. Think about YOURSELF and take a break. Stay with a family member, but don’t tell your “D”H when you’ll return or where you’ve gone.

Since she was taken into ICU the youngest lad who I have known since he was 9, and brought up since he was 13.5 years old have had a much better relationship. He is more open, chatty and seeks me out and my other children. As the relationship with him was very strained and incredibly hard. He barely spoke to, if I did something he liked he had to then complain. If I helped him with school work - basically most things- I would be told how much he didn’t like it and didn’t want me or my youngest there.

But in the last two weeks he acts as all my children and my young relatives.
He actively lets me cuddle him and I bought some handmade Christmas decorations that are personalised for my children, me, H and he was first shocked and happy that I had got him a family one too. Then I said I would really like to get matching pyjamas for kids and me! Not something I’ve been able to do whilst married as I knew he would get hassled that I wasn’t his mum and he wasn’t my family.
But I asked him a couple of days ago when he again shocked me in asking if I can make sure he had a Christmas jumper like me and my kids do. Yet his dad kept saying he doesn’t etc. Til he had to be forceful and say that he did really want it.
So I asked about the pj’s and made sure he knew I wasn’t trying to take over but that it would be nice to have some silliness at Xmas.
He was excited and has been sending pictures of what we can get.

I mentioned it the other day as I was worried that maybe he was washing over his grief. But said he felt like he could be free now, he didn’t have to worry he was upsetting his mum or being disloyal to her and he has wanted to do the stupid I do but always felt guilty. As he left his mums due to situation there not being to stable a few years ago.

He said he just feels lighter

Which I thought was a lovely thing as it has been very hard going at certain times. But I always said I understood his behaviour was that of a young boy trying to find his way through teenage years and to becoming a young man.
That his behaviour was no reflection on who he is at all. I never held it against him as he loved his mum and with knowing her I understood just how hard it was for him

I couldn’t in all good faith walk away from those boys and daughter-in-law before I have in my head and heart done the best I possibly can to get them through Christmas and to middle of January.

It’s the boys first Christmas Xmas without their mum and the oldest lad and daughter in law lost there baby son in January . So it’s it’s my oldest stepsons first Xmas without his mum and his baby. He still has the funeral to finish sorting and to get through before new year.

I couldn’t face those lads again with a clear heart if I just left to go home. It would be like I had abandoned them.

But I will be going.

As somebody said ‘what is in it for me?’

If it wasn’t for the boys I would feel like I had got nothing out of this marriage.
Which I know some people hate when a stepmum says she loves the kids etc.
But I can’t help it. Children need as many caring and loving adults in their lives other than biological parents to help guide them and love them and be a good role model for their futures.

Honestly OP. You need to look after yourself now. Don't put yourself through the ordeal of attending her funeral. Quietly detach from your stbxh and move back to your house as soon as possible. Can you discreetly slip away and see a solicitor next week at some point. Time to start putting yourself at the top of your priority list.

Op, I think though that you have found some peace with your decision now. You have a plan and it does involve putting yourself first to an extent. Because you're a good and thoughtful person you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you walked away now - leaving daughter in law and stepsons to get thru Xmas and NY. And that's understandable. (I wonder whether on the day of the funeral you might suddenly find your presence isn't required because of numbers...another carelessly cruel rejection. )

But after that, you can begin to enact your plan. They will start to heal, just as you need to do. You need to do that away from your husband. They probably need to do it with him. That's the difference.

OP, you are waaaay too accommodating and understanding. Your DH has no right to grieve so openly, extensively and publicly, especially using the terms you mentioned on how he always loved her.

OP,
Keep detaching from your STBXH.

Let him grieve, whinge and whine.
Who cares.

You are getting organised to move back to your own home.

He is a nasty man.

Your health issues are indicative of the stress you live with.

Your children need their mother.
Mind yourself.

I totally understand your need to get the boys and the DIL through this difficult Christmas - but make your plans to go after that, if you can.

It's lovely that your younger SDS has come out of his shell in terms of showing affection for you etc., so make sure he knows he's welcome to visit you when you do move out (lockdown allowing) and that you're always there for him, and the older one too.

But, as I said in my earlier post, grey rock all the way with your husband.

I’m going to read about this Grey Rock and how to do it.

I’ve been very civil and polite to him but my normal warm loving self with the boys last night and this morning.

He has tried to cuddle me this morning and last night. I apologised and said I need the bathroom urgently. As I don’t want him to touch me as it feels odd. After hearing him say ‘she knew I always loved her and that she was the love of his life’
I’ve heard it before but it hurt more hearing him saying it whilst nearly hysterical with crying.

He was snapping and awful in sat and Sunday and on Monday I mentioned it. He said It’s what he needs to do by being emotionally apart from me to get through it. So I said ‘yes that’s fine, do whatever you need to do’ as I do get and understand the feeling of loss he has.

But I’ve just been polite since.
Today after trying to cuddle me - he sent a message saying‘I love you’ and it felt fake like he is saying it because he thinks he has gone too far and I would normally reply back and it would go back to normal.
But to hear or read him say it actually makes me cringe as it’s just all fake and I feel like I’m the person he married cos he couldn’t have what he wanted. But that I’m just the one he has had to make do with

It's nice that you care about your stepchildren and as you do want a relationship with them you are probably making the right choice in staying until mid-January so as not to add to their grief.

However, please don't stay long term in this marriage just to provide stability to children that aren't even yours. Accepting a life of being second best wouldn't make you a good person, just a sad one.

This is so similar to my Grandad's relationship with his second wife. My Grandma kicked him out and well and truly moved on, dating around a lot. She never regretted her decision and only had bad things to say about him.

My Grandad married again but isn't very kind to his second wife (despite them being married for decades). He treats her like a bit of a burden and makes comments about how my Grandma did X or Y better. He always held a torch to my Grandma so it came as a bit of a shock when he wasn't allowed to go to her funeral because she wouldn't have wanted him there.

None of us would resent the new wife for leaving him. Not for a second.

This person can't put you first but your job is now to put yourself and your own happiness first.

Sounds like you're halfway there already. But watch out - he might try "lovebombing" you to bring you back into line

www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock

I'm so glad that you will be moving out in January. You can still offer support to his children. They can visit you in your home.

Once you have moved out, never look back. Take more care of yourself, especially having had the heart attack and stroke. 2021 will definitely be a much better year for you when you have left him behind.

He was snapping and awful in sat and Sunday and on Monday I mentioned it. He said It’s what he needs to do by being emotionally apart from me to get through it. So I said ‘yes that’s fine, do whatever you need to do’ as I do get and understand the feeling of loss he has.

So to get through his grief he needs to snap and be awful to you? Why did you say that's fine, OP?

I'm so happy you're moving out, new year new start.

Don't do all the hard work for Xmas, make him and DSSs do their share.

And aim to move soon asap, like Sat 2 Jan, a fresh start and a weekend.

Id text back ' ok'