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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unemployed girlfriend

207 replies

Frannnnnasa · 14/12/2020 16:53

(I'm a girl too btw, just so there's no debate about whether i'm a girl or boy).

We are both 26 and been together a year and a half. Both still live at home with our parents (suits us).
My job pays well and I am saving for a house deposit. Girlfriend was also saving for a house deposit so we can move out within the next 2 years.
Girlfriend found out 2 months ago she lost her job in a pub (covid-related).
She has since been looking but struggling to find work. She has had interviews but feedback is always she was a "close-second".

She is currently doing temp work as a supply TA whilst completing her masters but work has dried up the past week with christmas half term coming closer.
So that's an extra week of no pay along with the christmas half-term.

She has her masters finance coming through in around a month but she's stressed and feeling very anxious about.money. she has savings of about £4000.
I feel it's affecting our relationship because she keeps crying that she'll never afford a deposit. I love her but it's been so strained the past 2 months since she lost her job.
Temp work was going well but supply TA isbt amazing pay and it's inconsistent.
It does feel we will be at home witb parents forever. I can probably afford a mortgage on my own but how will her inconsistent wage affect me getting a mortgage?

OP posts:

Original poster

Frannnnnasa · 14/12/2020 16:54

I dont know if any of that makes sense.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/12/2020 16:56

She’s very stressed, understandably. Things will hopefully settle down next year and pub/other work will pick up again. It’s just a matter of holding on tight now and being hopeful for the future. She needs your reassurance.

Original poster

Frannnnnasa · 14/12/2020 16:56

Her degree is child-related btw. So she is applying for child-care roles which seem really competitive

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TheRealShatParp · 14/12/2020 16:58

It sounds like a really shitty time for your girlfriend, OP. I can understand it having an impact on your relationship, but if you’re contemplating not being with her now then best not getting a mortgage together anyway. You don’t sound massively supportive.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 14/12/2020 16:58

I think you need to give her a bit of time. She's hardly the only person to get hit by the Covid sledgehammer and she is obviously actively seeking work. Be patient.

Changethetoner · 14/12/2020 16:58

It doesn't sound like your relationship is particularly strong if you are feeling strain after just 2 months of her being on limited income. Are you feeling resentment. It's hardly her fault she lost her job due to Covid.

In traditional marriage vows, people commit to love each other "for richer, for poorer..." and it seems to me that you are not wholeheartedly supporting your GF in this lean time.

PurplePansy05 · 14/12/2020 16:59

Are you actually supporting her? Because you haven't mentioned. All you said was she's lost her job, she's found another that has dried up, she's very stressed and crying, she's also doing her Masters and saving for a house and has 4k savings. At 26, it sounds to me she's doing all she can. She's also understandably stressed.

Whereas you only sound concerned whether you're going to get a mortgage, which you can afford anyway, if you stay with her.

Original poster

Frannnnnasa · 14/12/2020 17:01

I am supporting her and i've told her i'll be okay,
Tbh i do stress about the future in terms of.moving out/getting a house as she's never been a big earner and her goal is to go into the intervention side of working with children,
But I love her to pieces and I hope she feels supported

OP posts:

Original poster

Frannnnnasa · 14/12/2020 17:01

*it'll be okay

OP posts:

Original poster

Frannnnnasa · 14/12/2020 17:02

I'm honestly not only stressed about mortgages but it's been something we've been excited about for a while so this has obviously thrown a spanner in the works so I feel stressed too

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LolaSmiles · 14/12/2020 17:03

It's been a rubbish time for lots of people during covid, so you probably should cut her some slack.

However, if she's only applying for roles she would ideally like and is moaning about not having a deposit then I'd be less sympathetic than if she's applying for a range of roles to get an income and feeling upset.

On the mortgage front, you and her are separate entities so you getting a mortgage and buying a house in your name won't depend on her finances or job. It would if you were buying together. Is there anything stopping you buying your own property and then if she moves in with you once she has a job she pays part of the mortgage but you get it drawn up so that your deposit and contributions up to that point are protected?

PurplePansy05 · 14/12/2020 17:05

i've told her i'll be okay

Did you tell her she'll be ok though? It's not about you.

I hope she feels supported

I'd dare to say she's not a mind reader so unless you're actively doing things and saying things to support her, then no, she probably doesn't.

You sound concerned about her earning potential. Hardly her fault? At 26 she's an educated and ambitious young woman by the sounds of it. You sound as if you have already written her off and you're also very materialistic.

Don't be surprised if in 10 years time you'll eat your own words when she's far more successful than you. Now, do her a favour and go separate ways. She deserves better.

Original poster

Frannnnnasa · 14/12/2020 17:05

She's been working in various schools nearly everyday since halloween half-term but last week she had about 3 days and today no call that she broke down crying,
I try to comfort her

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SimonJT · 14/12/2020 17:06

So she only lost her job two months ago but she has already secured some income with her TA work.

Being unemployed can be really stressful. My partner was made redundant early March, he didn’t secure any employment until July, he then required eight weeks off for surgery. We only moved in together in February, his rental agreement wasn’t up until June. So he was using savings to pay his rent, I paid for anything else he needed in that time.

Relationships aren’t a bed of roses, there will be very challenging times in any relationship. If you struggle with a very small time of a partner being unemployed then I would question your commitment and feelings towards her.

liveitwell · 14/12/2020 17:06

I think it's a bit unfair to be questioning the relationship on the basis that she's low because she's lost her job.

So many of us are worried about money at the moment. If my partner dumped me because of it then tbh I'd think good riddance (after crying a hell of a lot) because relationships should be based around more than temporary lows.

Rally around. Support her. Remind her that the world will hopefully be back to normal next year and your plans will continue, albeit maybe 6-12 months behind the original schedule.

Original poster

Frannnnnasa · 14/12/2020 17:09

I am supporting her. I havent made her feel bad at all but I thought I would vent a bit here but maybe I am being silly.
It's just hard when she's claiming to feel lost in life

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Moonflower12 · 14/12/2020 17:10

As she already has a degree it might be worth her doing a School Direct course? This will give her QTS which would profoundly affect her earning potential- positively.

As a TA albeit with a Masters degree she will hit a ceiling and that ceiling is low!

Emeraldshamrock · 14/12/2020 17:10

She lost her job through no fault of her home. I assume she will be employable once she completed the masters.
You don't sound very supportive this is a short term problem.

Emeraldshamrock · 14/12/2020 17:10

*own

Scottishskifun · 14/12/2020 17:16

I would understand being anxious if you were buying a house in the next 3 months but 2 years is a long time and things can change.

I would say with her background she should be able to get something soon. Tell her not to worry about savings etc and support her.
Regarding mortgage yes you need to show stable employment if a joint mortgage but she has a while to go yet and also if she is the secondary person so not the highest earner then the multiplication factor is less. Worst scenario you say she is "the home maker" as mortgage companies are not allowed to discriminate based on this.

As for her having a smaller deposit as long as you have enough and can both afford the mortgage and bills then it doesn't really matter. I had a tiny deposit compared to my BF (now husband) we just got a notes of interest created which said if we separated before marriage then he got his deposit back out and I got mine on sale after which it was divided equally.

MrsBobDylan · 14/12/2020 17:17

The fact that she doesn't earn much seems to really bother you, which will be placing pressure on her (even if you don't say anything she will know).

I think she sounds amazing - she is studying, working and has saved a £4K deposit for a house!

Don't stay with her if you are planning to prioritise a mortgage and earnings over someone you are meant to love.

ScrapThatThen · 14/12/2020 17:19

It's OK to vent and to feel wobbly about your future plans being affected. What stage are you at? Definitely wanting a life together? Future marriage? Personally I wouldn't entwine your finances until married, civilly partnered or near as damn. She has done well to be so flexible and proactive in finding work. I think she is panicking unnecessarily but can see she will want more security. And she might need to claim benefits if job seeking.

Original poster

Frannnnnasa · 14/12/2020 17:22

I dont think she can claim benefits as her supply TA work was bringing in around £250 a week when work was busy;

I love her a lot but sometimes I do panic about our earning difference.
To put it into perspect: I work in medicine. I'm happy and comfortable with my wage.

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SimonJT · 14/12/2020 17:23

@Frannnnnasa

I dont think she can claim benefits as her supply TA work was bringing in around £250 a week when work was busy;

I love her a lot but sometimes I do panic about our earning difference.
To put it into perspect: I work in medicine. I'm happy and comfortable with my wage.

Are you wanting to spend your life with someone you love, or someone with a large bank balance?

I would love my partner no matter his job, because I love the person, not the pay packet.

Original poster

Frannnnnasa · 14/12/2020 17:23

I think this job loss has just highlighted that difference of earnings more

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