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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unemployed girlfriend

207 replies

Frannnnnasa · 14/12/2020 16:53

(I'm a girl too btw, just so there's no debate about whether i'm a girl or boy).

We are both 26 and been together a year and a half. Both still live at home with our parents (suits us).
My job pays well and I am saving for a house deposit. Girlfriend was also saving for a house deposit so we can move out within the next 2 years.
Girlfriend found out 2 months ago she lost her job in a pub (covid-related).
She has since been looking but struggling to find work. She has had interviews but feedback is always she was a "close-second".

She is currently doing temp work as a supply TA whilst completing her masters but work has dried up the past week with christmas half term coming closer.
So that's an extra week of no pay along with the christmas half-term.

She has her masters finance coming through in around a month but she's stressed and feeling very anxious about.money. she has savings of about £4000.
I feel it's affecting our relationship because she keeps crying that she'll never afford a deposit. I love her but it's been so strained the past 2 months since she lost her job.
Temp work was going well but supply TA isbt amazing pay and it's inconsistent.
It does feel we will be at home witb parents forever. I can probably afford a mortgage on my own but how will her inconsistent wage affect me getting a mortgage?

OP posts:
Barmyfarmy · 14/12/2020 19:59

OP your girlfriend seems to be more stable than you seeing as she's doing her best and is clearly proactive whereas you are complaining she's been dealt shit cards and aren't doing anything to help!

There will always be financial differences in relationships. I met my DH when I was a broke student with £20 to my name and he owned 2 houses, his business and cars. 8 years later we don't love each other any less because I once earned less than him.

If you're struggling to support her now and clearly have prejudices against the line of work she's going into, you need to reconsider whether you want to be with her because you love her or if you want to leave her because she'll never be on a 6 figure salary. Working with children is always low-paying but it's a passion. If you can't support her passions then why are you with her?

SarahAndQuack · 14/12/2020 20:01

I agree with, well, pretty much everyone.

You cannot go through life treating a relationship as a structure for getting you what you want. Your partner is anxious and clearly making fair efforts.

What would happen if you were to become unable to earn as highly as you expected? Would you want a little leeway and sympathy?

You cannot always predict how people will earn. My younger brother spent a fair while at your age supporting his girlfriend while she did her MA and searched for a job. For a couple of years she earned less and seemed very unstable with her job. Then he gave up his reasonably well-paid job because he became unable to cope (with bad depression). He retrained, then he broke his back. It's now not at all clear how much he'll ever be able to get back to doing. Meanwhile, she has shot to the top, and is out-earning most people I know. They've been house-hunting with a budget of a nearly a million, to buy outright, and they are in their early 30s. And that's mostly to do with her - and you'd never have known it when she was 25, 26.

oakleaffy · 14/12/2020 20:05

@Frannnnnasa
If you do buy a house together, please make sure that whoever puts most in to the deposit- eg if parents help- or if you earn more, to protect that if it all should go tits up.

Living together may be a good idea first.

You don’t want to put in a lot only to lose it in event of a split.

Where money is involved, people can turn really nasty in the event of a house needing to be split.

Sounds grim, but I have a relative going through this, and neither could have foreseen the break up.

Get it on a good legal footing.

It is bloody hard to be living with parents.. I sympathise.
For them and you!

PurpleMustang · 14/12/2020 20:05

You really do need to have a reality check. She lost her job, she found some work still. And you are whining she won't have money for 3 weeks. She is training for a new job. She is trying. You plan to not move for 2 years and you are harping on about 3 weeks. Yes she is stressed and needs support. If you had said she had lost her job had no plans, not trying to look or retrain then yes your worries would be fine. What else did you expect her to actually do? She can't magic a perfect job out of nowhere

MacDuffsMuff · 14/12/2020 20:10

It sounds like she needs to be in a more supportive relationship to be honest. Poor woman should have someone who at least tries to understand what a difficult time she's going though, rather than someone who only thinks of the effect on themselves.

EmbarrassingMama · 14/12/2020 20:12

In two years the bank won't give two hoots about a salary she was earning today. They typically only care about the last three months' wages.

You don't terribly supportive of her - pretty shitty - situation. Are you looking for a way out?

ikltownofboothlehem · 14/12/2020 20:14

I don't say this often but grow up. Life ain't fair. You don't always get what you want. Shit happens. What would happen if you couldn't get the job you wanted? Gods forbid, fell too ill to work - either of you? What if you wanted children (same sex couple no bar to this these days)? I shudder to think.

CakeRequired · 14/12/2020 20:17

I think you're also embarrassed by her job because you think your family will think less of her.

If you are a doctor, why aren't you a consultant? Why aren't you higher up by now? Why are you still just a doctor? That's what you're saying to your girlfriend basically.

oakleaffy · 14/12/2020 20:20

@Frannnnnasa
I have my son visiting and mentioned your thread to him.

He said “ It sounds like his girlfriend not as committed in getting a house together as he is, and that is a valid worry- especially if she is being a bit flaky.. crying&c that many blokes find incredibly irritating.
Imagine if blokes cried that easily, people would say “ Come on, Get a grip!”

FastFood · 14/12/2020 20:20

Just take a minute to acknowledge how well that girl did, she maintained a job for 6/7 months during a pandemic who took everyone by surprise, she only lost her job 2 months ago and managed to get some temp employement whilst studying.
And she has savings on top of that, at 26.

I mean, she deserves a shout out.

SparklingLime · 14/12/2020 20:22

[quote oakleaffy]@Frannnnnasa
I have my son visiting and mentioned your thread to him.

He said “ It sounds like his girlfriend not as committed in getting a house together as he is, and that is a valid worry- especially if she is being a bit flaky.. crying&c that many blokes find incredibly irritating.
Imagine if blokes cried that easily, people would say “ Come on, Get a grip!”[/quote]
He sounds a peach.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/12/2020 20:24

[quote oakleaffy]@Frannnnnasa
I have my son visiting and mentioned your thread to him.

He said “ It sounds like his girlfriend not as committed in getting a house together as he is, and that is a valid worry- especially if she is being a bit flaky.. crying&c that many blokes find incredibly irritating.
Imagine if blokes cried that easily, people would say “ Come on, Get a grip!”[/quote]
I'd suggest your son needs lessons in how not to be a sexist misogynistic prick!

Cocomarine · 14/12/2020 20:26

[quote oakleaffy]@Frannnnnasa
I have my son visiting and mentioned your thread to him.

He said “ It sounds like his girlfriend not as committed in getting a house together as he is, and that is a valid worry- especially if she is being a bit flaky.. crying&c that many blokes find incredibly irritating.
Imagine if blokes cried that easily, people would say “ Come on, Get a grip!”[/quote]
And there goes your son, @oakleaffy contributing to the high young male suicide rate. You must be so proud.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 14/12/2020 20:26

[quote oakleaffy]@Frannnnnasa
I have my son visiting and mentioned your thread to him.

He said “ It sounds like his girlfriend not as committed in getting a house together as he is, and that is a valid worry- especially if she is being a bit flaky.. crying&c that many blokes find incredibly irritating.
Imagine if blokes cried that easily, people would say “ Come on, Get a grip!”[/quote]
Clearly his level of empathy is as high as your level of comprehension.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/12/2020 20:28

It's something my family drill into us - to always work hard. I always tell her that too - work hard and things will happen - and she does work hard, i'm not saying she doesnt.
So she does work hard but it's something you're always telling her to do because YOUR family taught you that but her family... What?
Honestly you sound so condescending.

oakleaffy · 14/12/2020 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

altiara · 14/12/2020 20:37

She’s probably crying and feeling anxious because of the pressure she feels from you OP!

I mean you said moving out in a couple of years....so she’s already saved £4000 and she’s a student, what does it matter that she’s not working for a few weeks?

She’s lost her ‘temp’ job not her ‘career’ job, so this might happen in the best of times not just in COVID times.

She’s completing a masters, does this mean you’re happy to string out being with her as her post grad studies look good to your family, but if she doesn’t start on a well paid career, sorry I mean word hard, then you’ll dump her?

Seriously, read your original post again as if you were the girlfriend, you are making her anxious about money when she’s living with her parents while studying, generally getting work most of the time and has savings.

Plus weird analogies for saying don’t be a TA, be a teacher! She’s temping and doing a masters, if she’s not already qualified as a teacher, then saying be a teacher is really unsupportive!

You sound really cold. Hope that’s not the case is real life.

SimonJT · 14/12/2020 20:39

[quote oakleaffy]@Frannnnnasa
I have my son visiting and mentioned your thread to him.

He said “ It sounds like his girlfriend not as committed in getting a house together as he is, and that is a valid worry- especially if she is being a bit flaky.. crying&c that many blokes find incredibly irritating.
Imagine if blokes cried that easily, people would say “ Come on, Get a grip!”[/quote]
Sounds like a bit of a prick.

WiddlinDiddlin · 14/12/2020 20:44

You keep saying you are supportive but then also saying 'i don't make her feel bad about xyz'..

Being supportive is considerably more than simply not making someone feel bad about their choices... its actively encouraging them and saying GOOD things, kind things, supportive things about those choices.

Ambition isn't always good, not if its to achieve some vague goal in order to make someone ELSE happy.

I've a horrible feeling you are a Dr and I really hope I am wrong as you don't seem to understand how to support and encourage someone if you think its just a matter of not saying negative things...

Are you by any chance qualified in one of those areas where you'd actively have to try NOT to be employed (ie, medicine) after qualifying... I find those sorts of careers do give folk a VERY unrealistic outlook on unemployment and finding work.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/12/2020 20:44

[quote oakleaffy]@Frannnnnasa
I have my son visiting and mentioned your thread to him.

He said “ It sounds like his girlfriend not as committed in getting a house together as he is, and that is a valid worry- especially if she is being a bit flaky.. crying&c that many blokes find incredibly irritating.
Imagine if blokes cried that easily, people would say “ Come on, Get a grip!”[/quote]
Having a dick didn't really help his intelligence (academic or emotional)did it?

Oh and OP is a woman, so your(both of yours) reading comprehension is lacking too.

Imworthit · 14/12/2020 20:45

@oakleaffy

I think MGTOW is definitely a thing younger men are into now. “ Who needs a wife when you’ve got deliveroo “? They are married to their motorbikes, I think.. 😉
Don't think you have a son. Might be some poor womans son. Adults don't use bs acronyms like that.

Men Going Their Own Way is an anti-feminist, misogynistic, mostly online community advocating for men to separate themselves from women and from a society which they believe has been destroyed by feminism.

Fuck love that's not anti feminist we wish you'd cut the apron strings 🤣 Fucking idiot

EmbarrassingMama · 14/12/2020 20:46

[quote oakleaffy]@Frannnnnasa
I have my son visiting and mentioned your thread to him.

He said “ It sounds like his girlfriend not as committed in getting a house together as he is, and that is a valid worry- especially if she is being a bit flaky.. crying&c that many blokes find incredibly irritating.
Imagine if blokes cried that easily, people would say “ Come on, Get a grip!”[/quote]
Your son sounds like a tool.

SparklingLime · 14/12/2020 20:48

@oakleaffy

I think MGTOW is definitely a thing younger men are into now. “ Who needs a wife when you’ve got deliveroo “? They are married to their motorbikes, I think.. 😉
Twats of that calibre are absolutely welcome to GTOW. In fact they should be actively encouraged.
Imworthit · 14/12/2020 20:49

My bloke cries easily about things that really hurt and are important. I love and support him and try to help him, as he does me. Who hurt you troll?

TangledNemo · 14/12/2020 20:49

@Frannnnnasa

My anxiety stemmed from her having no pay for 3 weeks since work this work seems unlikely and then schools aren't back until 4th January.
I bought a house with my now husband back in March. He was worried he wouldn’t be able to afford it as he didn’t have much savings and was in a minimum wage job. I am in a low paying job too, but don’t spend a lot, so I had no problem reassuring him that I would cover more of the deposit or bills if it meant we would get the house we wanted. It didn’t come to that in the end, but I think the fact that you’re so stressed about your partner not earning for 3 weeks speaks volumes, especially when you admit yourself you aren’t exactly struggling.