Unemployed girlfriend

[Frannnnnasa]

(I'm a girl too btw, just so there's no debate about whether i'm a girl or boy).

We are both 26 and been together a year and a half. Both still live at home with our parents (suits us).
My job pays well and I am saving for a house deposit. Girlfriend was also saving for a house deposit so we can move out within the next 2 years.
Girlfriend found out 2 months ago she lost her job in a pub (covid-related).
She has since been looking but struggling to find work. She has had interviews but feedback is always she was a "close-second".

She is currently doing temp work as a supply TA whilst completing her masters but work has dried up the past week with christmas half term coming closer.
So that's an extra week of no pay along with the christmas half-term.

She has her masters finance coming through in around a month but she's stressed and feeling very anxious about.money. she has savings of about £4000.
I feel it's affecting our relationship because she keeps crying that she'll never afford a deposit. I love her but it's been so strained the past 2 months since she lost her job.
Temp work was going well but supply TA isbt amazing pay and it's inconsistent.
It does feel we will be at home witb parents forever. I can probably afford a mortgage on my own but how will her inconsistent wage affect me getting a mortgage?

@Frannnnnasa

I think i've come across awful here and I haven't meant to Maybe it's because I am from quite a 'well-off' background. Most of my family are in careers considered to be high-earning (lawyers, vets, doctors). It's something my family drill into us - to always work hard.

I always tell her that too - work hard and things will happen - and she does work hard, i'm not saying she doesnt.
She had an assingment due in 3 weeks so i've told her maybe it's good she has the time off to complete it.
I am supportive in real life, i am probably just bad at wording things.

So what you mean is you're from a privileged background, had extra opportunities, encouragement and support to go for a high earning career.

Has she had the same?

Tbh it sounds like you look down on her and while you might like her and being in a relationship with her, she's not quite up to your standards. She deserves better tbh.

I'd have dumped you as soon as the "work hard and things will happen" line came out of your mouth.

I think you need to learn to value the things in life that AREN'T about material matters. Long term you will be happier whether or not this relationship survives (which I have my doubts about and I'm not necessarily meaning you breaking up with her. If you continue to not support her properly you could well find yourself being the one dumped!)

You're much younger than me I'm old enough to be your mother. At your age there can be with some a great focus on earning, getting on housing ladder etc BUT most people as they mature realise that those things are not what matters in life or relationships.

Most relationships are unequal in terms of earnings, sometimes the higher earner is always the same person, sometimes it's swings and roundabouts. When I was married sometimes ex was the higher earner, sometimes I was and sometimes we were closer to equal earnings we shared finances and neither begrudged supporting the other ever.

Within a relationship earnings really should not be the main focus. You will each bring strengths and weaknesses to it and in a good relationship you complement each other, filling each other's "gaps" in.

I caution you against any level of smugness too. You should know this working in medicine but nobody knows what is around the corner. Eg I have worked full time since I was 16 excepting when I went to uni as a mature student, until I was in a serious car accident some years ago which left me disabled. The effect on employment wasn't immediate as it was a complex set of circumstances both medically and personally but I now have been unable to work for almost a decade.

There are an awful lot of people being made redundant as a direct result of covid, medicine is in effect mostly a "safe" profession job loss wise. So you may be in a sort of "ivory tower" as aside from her you're perhaps not frequently in contact with people outside medicine ?

1.5mn people have already been made redundant due to covid (and some experts think that figure may be lower than the reality as it only includes "official" redundancies, so eg people on temp or zero hours contracts may not be included) by mid summer 2021 with the additional effects of Brexit some experts are warning redundancies may reach as many as 5mn over the course of that year from summer this year to 2021.

There aren't new jobs being created, whole companies are in exodus to EU, Asia etc because of Brexit, education and training was already suffering badly from cuts...

It's a mess!

Frankly she's done bloody well to

A get another job

B keep going with her studies

C not give in to a probably strong instinct to crawl in a corner and sob!

Give her the credit she is due, and your support (genuine not lip service)

If you can't do this then to be honest I think she's better off without you.

TLDR give your head a wobble she's doing bloody well considering the circumstances! Have her back!

I'm sorry but I have to agree with this completely:

It feels a bit like “AIBU to be irritated, have lost patience and resent my girlfriend......” No you’re not. If it’s what is important to you then let her down gently and move on. She sounds really lovely and hard working and very stressed and would probably benefit from someone who can make her feel loved and supported. It’s seeping out of your posts that you are not that person.

Is your main worry that she won't ever be in a high paying career job? If so you need to sort out what you want. Do you want a relationship with her regardless of the type of career she goes into, in which case you may be the main earner your whole life? Or do you want to be with someone with the same career goals and likely the same sort of higher paying career as yourself? It's not fair on her to want her to change the type of job she wants, and if you don't like it she would be better off meeting someone who loves her for her rather than for money.

Yes, you're coming across appallingly.

And lawyers, vets and doctors are not superior to your girlfriend because of her choice of career.

She isn't really unemployed btw. In fact she sounds pretty incredible. Studying, getting made redundant and immediately finding temporary work whilst searching for something more permanent. All in the run up to Christmas under the spectre of covid!

She's probably worried about your attitude and that you're going to dump her for not measuring up to your standards and not managing to bring enough cash in in impossible circumstances.

You do sound unsympathetic.

18 months is early days in a relationship in your mid 20s to discuss buying property together.

“It's something my family drill into us - to always work hard.” I think you mean/ “choose a well paid occupation and work hard”. (Your GF is working hard but hasn’t chosen a well paid occupation.)

2 months! And she's a student, which many people do full time anyway!

You sound vile and smug. Your girlfriend sounds like a caring, intelligent and hardworking person who wants to use her talents to help people. Also, 'hard work' is not the domain of high earners. My mother has been a healthcare assistant all her life working 12.5 hr shifts to help people and I've never seen anyone work harder than her. People have different talents and ambitions and needs in life,the money attached to that doesn't mean they are worth any less in value or are in fact any less hardworking. Do this girl a favour and let her go, she can do better.

If OP is really has unsupportive and judgemental of her girlfriend who is just trying to cope in the middle of the shitshow that is 2020 then I hope that the girlfriend can see that and make of it what she will.

OP, in all seriousness, this woman is not for you. You do not share her values.

Honestly I don't get your thread at all. You're half complaining, half sympathising, but not really committing to one or the other. You don't really sound committed to her at all. It's like you're looking for an excuse to dump her.

If you don't want to be with her, don't. She is working hard, she is trying to find work, but unfortunately finding work right now is difficult, especially in teaching. There's tons of qualified teachers who can't get full time permanent jobs, nevermind TAs. That's even worse, there's more of them. She's got it really difficult at the moment, and she feels like shit. Your attitude about it is no doubt making her feel worse. Do you feel proud of that, or do you feel bad and guilty? Or not care at all? You've got it easy, there's always jobs in medical. You could be crap at your job and still get hired.

If you actually want to be in this relationship, try learning some empathy. I'm assuming your a doctor, doctors tend not to be people orientated, and generally don't get bogged down in emotions (that's their job really, they can't, unless a psychologist but even then you have to be distant), which sounds exactly like you, you have zero idea on how to comfort her from the sounds of it. Imagine how you'd feel if you lost your job, couldn't get another one, and so couldn't save money for a mortgage.

OP - 'Most of my family are in careers considered to be high-earning (lawyers, vets, doctors). It's something my family drill into us - to always work hard'.

you'll eventually see there's not a direct link between hard work and earnings, just a combination of intelligence, circumstance and deciding that financial success is a priority.

If you are a medic then perhaps surgery might suit someone who is hypo-empathetic.

Or perhaps you might be more suited to a career change to the City?

Honestly, at your age and with her very uncertain earning potential, I’d focus on getting on the housing ladder independently. If you can afford to buy somewhere yourself then do it - unless I’ve misunderstood. Her earnings won’t impact your ability to get a mortgage and I’d strongly encourage you to keep the house as yours and only yours if she can’t contribute to the deposit. You don’t need to put your life on hold just because she’s been unlucky and lost her job and is choosing a low paid career. Then you can both move out and figure out how you want her to contribute- there are lots of ways people handle this, maybe she pays all food and bills, or maybe she pays half the mortgage and over time you sign a share of the house over to her.

In terms of support, it’s a stressful stressful thing losing a job and worrying about money. It’s easy for people to say “you don’t sound supportive” but I empathise - my husband is a major panicker about work related things and supporting him through job applications after his PhD was tough. Despite being a massive high achiever he was convinced he’d be unemployed forever and after a few weeks it got pretty tedious constantly reassuring him. So of course carry on being sweet and supportive to your GF but it’s fine to feel a bit frustrated and fed up sometimes.

To echo others, you don't sound very supportive. That's not to say you aren't being in person, but if you're giving off any kind of vibe that you're exasperated with the situation your girlfriend may be picking up on it. Losing her job would be stressful at any time, but in the middle pandemic when hundreds of thousands are also losing theirs must make her frantic with worry. I'm not sure you're really grasping that.

Hello op, what a stressful time for you both. This year really has pulled the rug from under everyone's feet. Firstly, I understand how hard it is being unemployed. I had a shock redundancy and was out of work for a month and can honestly say I've never felt so low. Having interviews and trying to 'sell myself' during that time took every ounce of energy I had when all I wanted to do was cry. And I hated having to make and adapt a cv for each and every one of those jobs. Some jobs required an allocation form as well as my cv and sometimes threw in a few online tests just to try and tip me over the edge. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that your gf probably feels very demoralised. I know I did. Getting a job was the best feeling ever. I'll never take my job for granted and work really hard because of those awful few weeks I had feeling like I was cut adrift. Especially during a pandemic when everyone kept reminding me that now is not the time to be looking for work. Like I had a choice! Could your gf just take any job for now? Retail, care work etc, just to get the money coming in. Her TA job sounds unreliable which must add another layer of stress.

If I were you, I'd take out the mortgage in my own name. Your gf can always be added on when she's in a better financial position to do so. I know it's not what you both wanted but these are strange times. Things will get better.

It’s like you’re looking for an excuse to leave her because she’s not making money you seem good enough, or pursuing a career you seem worthy. One thing that seems screamingly obvious in all your posts is you do not share the same view on work / money and happiness. She is pursuing a career she enjoys and will make her happy, but all you can do is point out there will be a big disparity in your earnings. Does it matter if you really love someone or are you more worried about what you “hard working” family will think. I think it would be best for you to part. She deserve someone who will support her and let her thrive, and you need someone as shallow and money focused as you.

But one day you could find yourself jobless and struggling and maybe you’ll garner a little more sympathy Thebes

*then

#application form

Most of my family are in careers considered to be high-earning (lawyers, vets, doctors). It's something my family drill into us - to always work hard

A lot of people work very very hard and still don't earn very much. And didn't have the advantages that come with high earning parents

My girlfriend doesn't see money as a priority in her life. When we met and went on dates and talked about our careers, she said that she knows working with children isn't always the best paid career but it's a career that would make her happy.
And I respected that in her. I didn't make her feel bad about it. I only suggest things.
What's wrong with encouraging someone to aim for more?
So yes I "encourage" her, not force her, to aim for more.
Don't settle as a teaching assistant, be a teacher.
But her opinion does differ to mine,
She doesn't see a problem if she's 50 and still a teaching assistant as long as she's happy and feels comfortable.

I'm fine with this but it's always good to be ambitious.

What's wrong with encouraging someone to aim for more?

You’re not encouraging her to aim for more, you’re telling her that you don’t approve of her choices and her happiness is not a priority, but a ‘worthy’ career at the expense of her happiness is acceptable.

@notalwaysalondoner

Honestly, at your age and with her very uncertain earning potential, I’d focus on getting on the housing ladder independently. If you can afford to buy somewhere yourself then do it - unless I’ve misunderstood. Her earnings won’t impact your ability to get a mortgage and I’d strongly encourage you to keep the house as yours and only yours if she can’t contribute to the deposit. You don’t need to put your life on hold just because she’s been unlucky and lost her job and is choosing a low paid career. Then you can both move out and figure out how you want her to contribute- there are lots of ways people handle this, maybe she pays all food and bills, or maybe she pays half the mortgage and over time you sign a share of the house over to her.

In terms of support, it’s a stressful stressful thing losing a job and worrying about money. It’s easy for people to say “you don’t sound supportive” but I empathise - my husband is a major panicker about work related things and supporting him through job applications after his PhD was tough. Despite being a massive high achiever he was convinced he’d be unemployed forever and after a few weeks it got pretty tedious constantly reassuring him. So of course carry on being sweet and supportive to your GF but it’s fine to feel a bit frustrated and fed up sometimes.

Sweet and supportive? She told her gf "work hard and things will happen" ,when by OP's own admission she already works hard.

The bar is set so fucking low sometimes.

It's a rubbish time right now. Give her time to complete her masters. When shes finished, she ll be able to apply for better paid jobs in her preferred field. There's no rush, give her time.

If you struggle with a very small time of a partner being unemployed then I would question your commitment and feelings towards her.

Totally agree!

I'm hardly the poster girl for successful relationships! But from my little experience and that of my friends and family who HAVE managed/are managing successful relationships weathering the rough times are what it's really about. If you can't do that then it's not going to work.

There will be times you need her support, works both ways.

I feel sorry for her. She's done exceptionally well to find any kind of employment in this time. I think next year is going to see an even higher rise in unemployment and by the end of it, there will be many people out of work.
Don't want to keep sticking the knife in as you are getting a lot of stick here but it doesn't sound like you respect her very much and it comes across as you feel like you are above her as you have a better job/better family connections