Unemployed girlfriend

[Frannnnnasa]

(I'm a girl too btw, just so there's no debate about whether i'm a girl or boy).

We are both 26 and been together a year and a half. Both still live at home with our parents (suits us).
My job pays well and I am saving for a house deposit. Girlfriend was also saving for a house deposit so we can move out within the next 2 years.
Girlfriend found out 2 months ago she lost her job in a pub (covid-related).
She has since been looking but struggling to find work. She has had interviews but feedback is always she was a "close-second".

She is currently doing temp work as a supply TA whilst completing her masters but work has dried up the past week with christmas half term coming closer.
So that's an extra week of no pay along with the christmas half-term.

She has her masters finance coming through in around a month but she's stressed and feeling very anxious about.money. she has savings of about £4000.
I feel it's affecting our relationship because she keeps crying that she'll never afford a deposit. I love her but it's been so strained the past 2 months since she lost her job.
Temp work was going well but supply TA isbt amazing pay and it's inconsistent.
It does feel we will be at home witb parents forever. I can probably afford a mortgage on my own but how will her inconsistent wage affect me getting a mortgage?

So you want to be with her, buy a house together, but you don't want to support her financially? You shouldn't be in a relationship then.

If you have never lived together in a home of your own, I strongly recommend you try that first before buying a house together.

I am happy to support her financially, but we do tend to take in turns - I will pay for meals, buy her gifts, go on days out etc.

But I love her to pieces and I hope she feels supported

I very much doubt it from everything you've said. It sounds like you earn very well, and she doesn't, and you have made a thing about it and she feels pressured and very upset.

Gosh I was expecting to open this thread and read about some layabout slob with no ambition but it sounds as though she’s quite the opposite! She’s obviously trying her best to seek work but you’re right when you say jobs are very competitive at the moment so you need to cut her some slack. There’s many, many people in her position right now and it could be any of us in the future so all you can do is be patient and supportive- like you would want her to be for you if roles were reversed.

2 months in this climate and she's picked up temp work is good going!

Have ideas, not set in stone plans. Mortgage companies could look at lending completely differently next year.

How secure is your own position?

£4k is quite a bit of money. But you'd probably be best trying to live together and sharing your lives and money fairly before you commit on paper

I am supporting her and i've told her i'll be okay,

I know you amended it, but it comes across that this is what you really mean. You're dispassionate to the point of being cold. I'm not sure what has made you this way, but think about how supportive you're really being, or if it's actually all about you.

@Frannnnnasa

I dont think she can claim benefits as her supply TA work was bringing in around £250 a week when work was busy;

I love her a lot but sometimes I do panic about our earning difference.
To put it into perspect: I work in medicine. I'm happy and comfortable with my wage.

Why?

I earn nearly 3 times what my husband does we just use percentage contributions for bills and given its generally me that wants a fancy holiday I pay the majority of it.

A relationship is about supporting each other, having fun together, loving each other not comparing bank statements!

But you seem to have a problem with the fact that you have a higher earning potential (as it stands).

This may change in the future.
Even if it doesn't, most people who are in relationships/married have different earning potential. It's rare for both partners to make the same money all the way throughout their careers. Even if they earn similar, circumstances change, people become carers, go part time, change jobs, go self-employed and business goes through various phases. People get ill, quit, are made redundant. There's no certainty at all.

Part and parcel of being in a long-term relationship is to be flexible in that regard and prepared to work together towards the common goal. You have an immature "mine/hers" approach, as if you were dating for a few months. Buying a house together is a big commitment in a relationship. You should only do it if you're prepared to be a partner to her and provide for both of you in this relationship. She'll do her part too of course. If you struggle with the fact she may provide less then you shouldn't be with her, and you are materialistic.

@Frannnnnasa

I am supporting her. I havent made her feel bad at all but I thought I would vent a bit here but maybe I am being silly. It's just hard when she's claiming to feel lost in life

Can I correct you?

“It’s just hard when she feels lost in life”

You sound really unsympathetic.

For the record, I'm the higher earner in our household and I'd NEVER make my DH feel the way you seem to be feeling about your gf. Don't be overly arrogant, life can really surprise you.

She was made redundant 2 months ago, and has found temporary work almost every weeks since then. She's studying for a masters.

I'd be bloody proud of her.

She's having a low blip, which is understandable given the stressful situation she's in personally, together with the national crises.

Give her a break.

I'm afraid your posts come across as purely financially motivated. What she's bringing in now, what savings she has, what her earning potential is.

If she's sensing any of this from you, you might find that she doesn't feel supported by you, regardless of the words you use to reassure her.

You sound like after just 8 weeks you're tired of her moaning tbh. "Claiming to feel lost" - what an horrible thing to think in the middle of a pandemic, when she is doing random supply work and a masters.

I'm fairly certain she knows how you feel, even if you've not said anything. No wonder she's stressed and crying.

I couldn’t work out what your AIBU query was?

It feels a bit like “AIBU to be irritated, have lost patience and resent my girlfriend......”

No you’re not. If it’s what is important to you then let her down gently and move on. She sounds really lovely and hard working and very stressed and would probably benefit from someone who can make her feel loved and supported.

It’s seeping out of your posts that you are not that person.

How about you buy your property two thirds to her one third. At least she'd have some stake in it, you'd be protecting your larger investment and she'd have a bit more cash to spend.

Your girlfriend seems to have a strong work ethic, just not in a high earning field. But if you can't respect what she does, then you're better off not being with her as she will realise it eventually and it will eat away at her self esteem.

It's just hard when she's claiming to feel lost in life

(my italics)

Goodness. You’re coming across as very lacking in empathy.

I think i've come across awful here and I haven't meant to
Maybe it's because I am from quite a 'well-off' background. Most of my family are in careers considered to be high-earning (lawyers, vets, doctors). It's something my family drill into us - to always work hard.

I always tell her that too - work hard and things will happen - and she does work hard, i'm not saying she doesnt.
She had an assingment due in 3 weeks so i've told her maybe it's good she has the time off to complete it.
I am supportive in real life, i am probably just bad at wording things.

Bloody hell op she's doing everything she can to find work and she's only recently just lost her job. Seriously what more do you want? She's seems very down and you don't sound supportive at all. You just seem bothered about money imo

I understand that living with parents isn't ideal. I understand how frustrating it is to see your goals moving further from your grasp. But it is the way it is right now. Your girlfriend is trying so hard. She can do no better than her best. And you just need to accept life as it is at the moment. Above all, this is a great opportunity for you to learn that life is not linear. Shit happens beyond our control.
Be an encouraging partner and believe in your encouragement... mean it! Don't just say the words. Mean them. If you love her, that encouragement should come easily to you. It worries me that it doesn't. Surely you must understand the economic impact of covid. There's really jack all to be done about it but to keep on applying for jobs. My husband advertised for a receptionist job at his practice. He got close to 300 applicants on the first day it was advertised. Competition is fierce. Everyone's looking for work, OP.

@Frannnnnasa

I dont think she can claim benefits as her supply TA work was bringing in around £250 a week when work was busy;

I love her a lot but sometimes I do panic about our earning difference.
To put it into perspect: I work in medicine. I'm happy and comfortable with my wage.

But that was then, not now.

She can claim and might get something for the weeks when she doesn't earn - even a few pounds is better than nothing.

She's got herself work, references and experience in a sector which is far more secure than pub work these days, as although it isn't hugely secure, the government is determined to keep schools open for as long as possible too long in my opinion, but nonetheless, they're not going to go bust . It's good to be using her degree and can be a stepping stone to doing what she wants and earning more in the process.

Why not point those things out to her? It's not all about scrambling onto the property ladder right now, sometimes it's doing what you have to in order to survive and then progress. Like you studied for longer instead of getting a job at 16. Or she did A Levels and a degree to increase her earnings potential and then took what work she could to top up her funding.

She's doing everything right. And now she's got Education experience, she's in a better place than many people with her qualifications will be in July with no work history in the sector.

In short, she needs a little patience. And maybe some encouragement from you that she is doing well?

I'm from a relatively well off background too with strong academics and work ethic. So what? She works her socks off and all you do is counting the numbers on your imaginary Excel spreadsheet. Bad attitude, OP, and backpedalling now won't help.

Say that she “claims” to feel lost isn’t you wording it badly. It’s just showing your true attitude.

Your family drill into you to work hard?
She has worked hard 🙄
She just earns less than you.

I earn 4x my husband. Neither of us care.
That said, I absolutely think it’s OK to end a relationship if you decide you want a life partner with a closer earning potential. That’s your choice. Just don’t pretend it doesn’t matter to you. Own it.

You don’t mean to sound awful, OP, but may be you are somewhat awful as a partner? Why would you be advising your girlfriend to ‘work hard and things will happen’? I’m sure she has herself worked out to what extent that is true by now.

What are you really asking, OP?

BTW, if you are thinking of settling down with her, getting a mortgage and making a family then there will be changes in the future, even if you both decide to remain childless. Ill health, loss of jobs. If you have a child then maternity leave and child care. If you are concerned now about disparity in pay or being unsupportive in practice instead of in theory then it might be best to think about this relationship and your level of maturity (I'm not trying to insult, just geniuinely trying to be helpful).

The COVID circumstances are so exceptional that you might not want to rebase your thinking on that, except to the extent they call into question what you would have anyway (disparity in pay).

COVID has rocked a lot of people and I suppose it may be your DP had not realised a gentle cruise of education, house and life would hit choppy waters. You can choose to be supportive in practice or not.

Regarding affecting your mortgage, things will probably settle down though the key thing will be either your DP getting a permanent role in her field or you both realising what is important.

You may see renting as 'water down the drain' but in this case, renting somewhere and living together might help you both learn some things about yourselves and each other.

Good luck.

You tell someone who clearly works hard, to work hard?

Patronising, much? 🙄