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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unemployed girlfriend

207 replies

Frannnnnasa · 14/12/2020 16:53

(I'm a girl too btw, just so there's no debate about whether i'm a girl or boy).

We are both 26 and been together a year and a half. Both still live at home with our parents (suits us).
My job pays well and I am saving for a house deposit. Girlfriend was also saving for a house deposit so we can move out within the next 2 years.
Girlfriend found out 2 months ago she lost her job in a pub (covid-related).
She has since been looking but struggling to find work. She has had interviews but feedback is always she was a "close-second".

She is currently doing temp work as a supply TA whilst completing her masters but work has dried up the past week with christmas half term coming closer.
So that's an extra week of no pay along with the christmas half-term.

She has her masters finance coming through in around a month but she's stressed and feeling very anxious about.money. she has savings of about £4000.
I feel it's affecting our relationship because she keeps crying that she'll never afford a deposit. I love her but it's been so strained the past 2 months since she lost her job.
Temp work was going well but supply TA isbt amazing pay and it's inconsistent.
It does feel we will be at home witb parents forever. I can probably afford a mortgage on my own but how will her inconsistent wage affect me getting a mortgage?

OP posts:
DivGirl · 14/12/2020 19:16

@Frannnnnasa

If she wants to be cleaner then i'd support her, but as I said, i'd always encourage her to aim high, but I would never ever belittle someone.
This is not how accepting someone for who they are works.
Fieldofyellowflowers · 14/12/2020 19:17

Aiming for more doesn't necessarily mean having a high salary. Getting a small wage packet at the end of each month doesn't mean that you are unsuccessful.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 14/12/2020 19:17

@Frannnnnasa but you aren’t accepting, you’re from a family who equate salary with doing well. Status matters to you

LolaSmiles · 14/12/2020 19:20

Aiming for more doesn't necessarily mean having a high salary. Getting a small wage packet at the end of each month doesn't mean that you are unsuccessful.
Exactly.

Some of the best TAs I know aren't paid anywhere near enough for what they bring to the school. I'd probably (in crude financial terms) say their experience, extensive knowledge of their SEN areas, their willingness to train teachers in how best to support more specialist areas,and extensive delivery of targeted SEN interventions should pay them on par with an NQT in my opinion.

Imworthit · 14/12/2020 19:24

Really? You'd never belittle anyone? Obviously not on purpose but the unkind and unsympathetic responses are because your inadvertently belittling people who are TAs, have lost their job for a very short time, lost their job because of covid, can't afford a house, can't afford savings, didn't work two jobs and complete a masters. And probably a few I've missed.

Fieldofyellowflowers · 14/12/2020 19:28

It's sad to think that some people actually have the mentality that low paid jobs mean that you lack ambition and that to be successful you did to be on a really big wage. I'm in a low paid job but I love it and I am good at it. I wouldn't change it for the world because I am happy and I see myself as successful as a result.

Camenon · 14/12/2020 19:30

This has to be a wind up. Surely a 'medic', would realise she was making herself sound worse with every post.

I'm quietly singing, 'Just you wait Enry Iggins, just you wait.'

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/12/2020 19:30

"I love her for who she is"
"She can be whatever she wants as long as she aims higher".

Slightly contradictory,don't you think so OP?

Btw I'm a TA. It's not that I can't become a teacher, I don't want to become one.

PillowPrincess · 14/12/2020 19:32

Fuck me its hard enough to do a masters alone let alone work and cope with job insecurity and get used to a new work place and systems every 5 minutes.

Waveysnail · 14/12/2020 19:36

Stop pushing her to aim higher. Let her find what she loves to do. Perhaps she likes being a TA and doesnt want responsibility of being a teacher.

Its coming across that you seem to want her to do a professional role.

ktp100 · 14/12/2020 19:37

I'm struggling not to eye roll here.

Being in a long term relationship involves seeing each other through bad times. Nobody wants to be with someone who only loves you when things are good.

Be a better girlfriend or leave and let her find a better one.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/12/2020 19:39

@Frannnnnasa

My anxiety stemmed from her having no pay for 3 weeks since work this work seems unlikely and then schools aren't back until 4th January.
But you are in no way reliant on her money, so why the anxiety? She isn't leaving you short of rent money is she,
Imworthit · 14/12/2020 19:42

@Frannnnnasa

My anxiety stemmed from her having no pay for 3 weeks since work this work seems unlikely and then schools aren't back until 4th January.
So she has no pay for a month, lives at home and has savings she can use and you could probably afford a mortgage on your own.

I'm a professional and can support myself but my partner lost his job, house and is stuck in limbo waiting for a visa. I just took care of it. We live with my mum, older than you, not much savings now but life is good and will be OK.

Trying to be more compassionate here but you have no real worries. Your outlook is very pessimistic tho.
Do you have anxiety issues?
Watch out burnouts a real problem with medical professionals and it's bad!

CandyLeBonBon · 14/12/2020 19:42

She's not unemployed though is she.

Tbh your posts make you sound very materialistic. It doesn't sound as if you're compatible.

cyclingmad · 14/12/2020 19:42

I think you both have such different views on work I cant see it lasting if I'm honest.

My parents were the same, telling me work hard and have a career in medicine etc cos you'll earn more etc. Yhey always pushed us and not just about work, career, money but also to self develop. They very much have a growth mindset as in always grow and evolve better continuously.

Nothing wrong with that and money does offer you more options to do things you love, can be difference between a holiday a year to a holiday every 2 or 3 years if holidays were your thing.

I know in myself id want a partner with a similar growth mindset to me as well, continually improving as you grow older, whether its yourself as a person, career, finances etc.

Notapheasantplucker · 14/12/2020 19:43

My anxiety stemmed from her having no pay for 3 weeks
3 whole weeks. You're putting way too much pressure on her, that's probably why she's feeling so stressed about it all!
You're probably causing massive anxiety for her! But instead you're anxious over your girlfriend missing out on 3 weeks pay even though you're a high earner and got loads of savings. Hmm

Mydogmylife · 14/12/2020 19:44

@Frannnnnasa

My anxiety stemmed from her having no pay for 3 weeks since work this work seems unlikely and then schools aren't back until 4th January.
Why are YOU anxious? You don't live together yet and you have your super duper high paying job to keep you warm at night. You sound worse with every post.
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 14/12/2020 19:45

Judging your GF for not trying hard enough whilst still living with mummy and daddy isn't a good look.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/12/2020 19:46

@Frannnnnasa

My anxiety stemmed from her having no pay for 3 weeks since work this work seems unlikely and then schools aren't back until 4th January.
During covid OH was out of work for 3 months and he actually is the highest earner!

My only anxiety was over his well being and mental health.

sheworkshardforthemoney · 14/12/2020 19:46

[quote HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee]***@Frannnnnasa* I get it, you come from a very ordered and hierarchical career,where it’s all about progression. And moving up in your chosen speciality and then that’s reinforced in her family as the norm, that reinforcement has skewed op view of careers and what she and her family consider “doing well”. She’s probably from one of those hyper competitive families “so what have you achieved as an SpR...who is your supervisor?

Unfortunately such introverted views only serve to skew and misalign how @Frannnnnasa sees careers and progression. Genuinely if op feels she’s happiest being a TA and not a teacher That’s her personal choice. Different jobs,different demands. It doesn’t make the gf a failure or unambtious it just means she’s decided the level she wants to work at. I think if she were a teacher you’d push her to be a HT.

Your girlfriend has had huge setbacks eg job loss yet she has the resilience to dust herself down, look for, and get temp jobs. Clearly personable and bright. She’s not acting lost, she is lost. The world is in flux, we all feel lost

Op you’re not fine with any of this. It’s not your natural comfort zone,it challenges your preconceived ideas. Now the test will be, can you accommodate and live with your gf as she is. Or is this you have about money & ambition going to be a thing. If it remains a thing you’ll have strain in your relationship[/quote]
This line ^

If she was a teacher you would be pushing her to be a head teacher

I agree, you both have fundamental differences on what a successful life is.

Happiness and contentment whilst making a difference as well as being well liked and kind would be a huge measure of a successful life!

Money/ social standing and ambition are not at all important to me @Frannnnnasa although money would be 'nice' !

gamerchick · 14/12/2020 19:48

@Frannnnnasa

If she wants to be cleaner then i'd support her, but as I said, i'd always encourage her to aim high, but I would never ever belittle someone.
Cleaners are in high demand atm and a lot of them are being paid well. We'd be fucked without them this year

Tbh you sound like one of those Tory types who think poor people deserve to be poor because they don't work hard enough. You should be well proud of your girlfriend rather than coming across as disappointed in her. She'll sense that.

It doesn't sound as if you're compatible, it sounds as if doing a stint of being skint would do you good.

ZoeTurtle · 14/12/2020 19:48

Is this a reverse? It's frightening if there are medics out there who are this lacking in self-awareness :/

CandyLeBonBon · 14/12/2020 19:51

I call bullshit

ilhahih · 14/12/2020 19:52

My anxiety stemmed from her having no pay for 3 weeks since work this work seems unlikely and then schools aren't back until 4th January.

Get a fucking grip.
She's living at home with her parents. She's studying for a masters and working at the same time. She won't be able to work for 3 weeks because schools are closed.
She's got 4000 quid in savings. She's not in a bad position at all.

You're not living together struggling to pay rent on a flat and all the bills. You're not struggling to put food on the table. You've got a high-paying job (according to you). How the fuck does her not working for 3 weeks affect you apart from the fact that she won't be able to save money in that time for this deposit on the joint house you will never buy because she will have got sick of your pushing and "encouragement" long before it gets that far.

Get your own life. Buy a place of your own and move out of your parents' house and do what the fuck you like but let your girlfriend go and live her life in peace and find a nicer girlfriend

Dozer · 14/12/2020 19:54

You’re clearly NOT fine with your GF’s work and earning choices / potential future choices. Which is your prerogative. Just be honest about it, with yourself at least!

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