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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unemployed girlfriend

207 replies

Frannnnnasa · 14/12/2020 16:53

(I'm a girl too btw, just so there's no debate about whether i'm a girl or boy).

We are both 26 and been together a year and a half. Both still live at home with our parents (suits us).
My job pays well and I am saving for a house deposit. Girlfriend was also saving for a house deposit so we can move out within the next 2 years.
Girlfriend found out 2 months ago she lost her job in a pub (covid-related).
She has since been looking but struggling to find work. She has had interviews but feedback is always she was a "close-second".

She is currently doing temp work as a supply TA whilst completing her masters but work has dried up the past week with christmas half term coming closer.
So that's an extra week of no pay along with the christmas half-term.

She has her masters finance coming through in around a month but she's stressed and feeling very anxious about.money. she has savings of about £4000.
I feel it's affecting our relationship because she keeps crying that she'll never afford a deposit. I love her but it's been so strained the past 2 months since she lost her job.
Temp work was going well but supply TA isbt amazing pay and it's inconsistent.
It does feel we will be at home witb parents forever. I can probably afford a mortgage on my own but how will her inconsistent wage affect me getting a mortgage?

OP posts:
caringcarer · 14/12/2020 18:03

Would she be interested in teaching. There is a huge shortage of teachers and maybe she could train to be a teacher in a 1 year PGCE. If a teacher she would at least have a very steady income. She would need to apply now.

onlythepianoplayer · 14/12/2020 18:04

What's wrong with encouraging someone to aim for more?

Everything, if she doesn't want what you think is more. More money, seems to be all you care about

Don't settle as a teaching assistant, be a teacher

FFS, aren't you a doctor? Where do you think you'd be without the nurses and every other HCP? Should they all refuse to settle and try and be doctors too?

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/12/2020 18:04

@Frannnnnasa

My girlfriend doesn't see money as a priority in her life. When we met and went on dates and talked about our careers, she said that she knows working with children isn't always the best paid career but it's a career that would make her happy. And I respected that in her. I didn't make her feel bad about it. I only suggest things. What's wrong with encouraging someone to aim for more? So yes I "encourage" her, not force her, to aim for more. Don't settle as a teaching assistant, be a teacher. But her opinion does differ to mine, She doesn't see a problem if she's 50 and still a teaching assistant as long as she's happy and feels comfortable.

I'm fine with this but it's always good to be ambitious.

You're not fine with this.

Stop lying to yourself and her. Stop wasting her time when you know very well that in the future ,unless she massively changes, you'll dump her anyways to have the "power couple" relationships you believe you should have/deserve.

Cocomarine · 14/12/2020 18:04

Stop lying to us, to yourself, and her.
You are not fine with it.
You don’t have to be, either. It’s OK to make your choices on anything you want.
She doesn’t want to settle as a TA - she’s doing a bloody Masters and has a career in mind. She working as a TA right now, because we’re in the middle of a bloody pandemic.

I wouldn’t date her, and actually for similar reasons to you.

Difference is, I wouldn’t come on here full of resentment, pretending I was “fine” about it, claiming I was supportive when I wasn’t, and no doubt making her feel shit along the way.

You sound patronising and paternalistic in your relationship.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/12/2020 18:05

Why don't you rent like everyone else who can't afford to buy. You're not even 30 yet, why the panic?

Frauhubert · 14/12/2020 18:06

Let her find a new girlfriend. You sound horrible

BluebellsGreenbells · 14/12/2020 18:06

Don't settle as a teaching assistant, be a teacher

You do realize they are different jobs? TAs aren’t ‘wanna be’ teachers?

You really ar eloping down your nose at her!

What’s the long terms goal? So you want a house and mortgage then children? Who stays home? You need to sit down and work out where your priorities lie.

vanillandhoney · 14/12/2020 18:07

What's wrong with encouraging someone to aim for more?
So yes I "encourage" her, not force her, to aim for more.

More isn't always good. Not everyone wants a high-flying career. Money isn't everything. As long as she can support herself, why the fuck does it matter to you?

LilMidge01 · 14/12/2020 18:07

Your girlfriend sounds great- at 26 she has gotten a degree, is supporting herself through a masters, got off her butt as soon as she became unemployed and got some part time work straight away, and has saved £4k, and is planning on going into a profession that whilst will never make her a millionaire, will give her steady employment for life. She sounds like she's got things sorted

Apart from having a shitty girlfriend who is making her feel bad about a minor setback and putting pressure about the fact she'll never earn as much as you (doesnt matter if you've been saying nice things, I'm sure she's picking up on all of this)

I don't think you should get a mortgage together.

BrummyMum1 · 14/12/2020 18:07

If money and ambition are important to you (fine if they are) then move on from this relationship. This isn’t her issue it’s yours.

ilhahih · 14/12/2020 18:08

I'm fine with this but it's always good to be ambitious.

I don't think you are fine with this though. It doesn't sound like you are fine with at all reading your posts here.
It isn't always good to be ambitious.
It sounds like you "encouraging" her might come across as you putting pressure on her. That might be why she's crying and anxious.
Hell's bells, she lost her job two months ago but since then she went straight into temping and is doing her Masters as well. It's not like she lost her job and then sat around doing fuck all expecting you to pay for everything.
Now is not the time for your "encouraging". Take the pressure off her for heaven's sake before she has a complete breakdown. If she's not able to save for a deposit at the moment so what? So many people can't afford to put food on the table through no fault of their own.

It sounds to me like you two are incompatible. Your outlooks on life are very different and you don't sound like you'd be happy with her "just" being a TA. TA's have a very important and valuable roll and no school can function without them. A good TA can change a child's life - I've seen it myself.
If she becomes a teacher will you be happy with that or will you be pushing her to get promotions or even to become a headteacher.

To sum up: leave her and let her find someone who is going to accept her as she is and care for and love her properly and you can find someone else who has the same sort of goals as you.
You've annoyed me with your attitude.

PurplePansy05 · 14/12/2020 18:09

And I respected that in her. I didn't make her feel bad about it. I only suggest things.
What's wrong with encouraging someone to aim for more?

You didn't and still don't respect her then.
It's not your job to be telling her to work her way up, and sorry to break it to you, but you're explaining your behaviour to yourself as being "encouraging" whereas in reality you're forcing things that you think she should be doing upon her and not respecting what she has clearly told you would make her happy.

If you spoke to me using this sort of tone, you'd soon be admiring the front door, from the outside.

VeryQuaintIrene · 14/12/2020 18:09

26 is really quite young, and this is a completely awful time for employment, so try not to catastrophise about the future and that you will be stuck with your parents forever. She sounds as though she's really trying hard in a tough situation. But do you think that potential earning disparity in the future will be a problem for you?

Heyahun · 14/12/2020 18:10

id stop being so obsessed with getting a mortgage tbh! It's not a big deal - this is a shit year - loads of people out of work etc ! I'd just focus on your own savings, be supportive of her - tell her to forget about saving for now and focus on getting a new job - once she gets herself back on her feet she can start saving!

Trying to do everything all at once just won;t work

Demitri · 14/12/2020 18:11

@Frannnnnasa

My girlfriend doesn't see money as a priority in her life. When we met and went on dates and talked about our careers, she said that she knows working with children isn't always the best paid career but it's a career that would make her happy. And I respected that in her. I didn't make her feel bad about it. I only suggest things. What's wrong with encouraging someone to aim for more? So yes I "encourage" her, not force her, to aim for more. Don't settle as a teaching assistant, be a teacher. But her opinion does differ to mine, She doesn't see a problem if she's 50 and still a teaching assistant as long as she's happy and feels comfortable.

I'm fine with this but it's always good to be ambitious.

This is awful. You’re not ‘encouraging’ her. What you’re doing is telling her that her choices are not worthy of your approval. She doesn’t want to aim higher, she has already told you she doesn’t care about the money. She wants to be happy and puts that above earning a better wage.

You sound like an utter snob tbh. You also seem like one of those people who are never satisfied. Nothing is ever good enough for you. Let’s hope she wakes up and gets rid of you.

Alonelonelyloner · 14/12/2020 18:11

You sound very emotionally immature and insufferable because of it.

Your girlfriend should LTB.

RhubarbTea · 14/12/2020 18:13

Is this a reverse? You sound quite unsupportive and as though you don't really respect her much because she isn't (in your view) 'ambitious' enough. Poor girl! My ex (also a woman) was like you. I was really unhappy, feeling pressured to be high-achieving and was relieved when I eventually ended the relationship. There's more to life than money and work, you know. Hmm

NewYearNewPlumbing · 14/12/2020 18:14

I'm fine with this but it's always good to be ambitious

So, are you fine or not? What if she wants to stay a TA? Would that be fine with you?

Look, everything is up in the air for almost everyone at the moment. No one knows how things will be in 2 years time.

House prices might have crashed, mortgages at very low rates.

You might both have highly / higher paid jobs...or not.

You both need to be reasonably philosophical.

Do what you can do NOW.

She can work on her masters now, and apply for jobs, but she can't make anything happen jobwise. So why worry?

As PP have said, you can buy a place as Tenants In Common and you can have a share that you can afford and her likewise.

The crying: does she often get stressed about things, or just her lack of work and worry about a blip - A BLIP - in your saving schedule?

Do you, at heart, have the same values? Attitude to life and work, and compatible levels of stress and worry?

IndieTara · 14/12/2020 18:14

You don't sound very well suited at all

DahliaMacNamara · 14/12/2020 18:16

Hang on, she's in the middle of doing a Masters here. And working, whenever work is available, on top of that. I don't think you know what 'unemployed' actually means.

CauliflowerBalti · 14/12/2020 18:17

@Frannnnnasa

I dont think she can claim benefits as her supply TA work was bringing in around £250 a week when work was busy;

I love her a lot but sometimes I do panic about our earning difference.
To put it into perspect: I work in medicine. I'm happy and comfortable with my wage.

You're not supporting her, at all. She's devastated and feels like a failure because she lost her job - even though there was nothing she could have done about it. She feels like she's let you down, even though there's nothing she could have done about it. And she realises it puts your house plans back, and she's trying really hard to do something about that but the TA work drying up this week has set her back. It's an awful time of year to be worried about money, setting aside the pandemic. She has every right to be gutted and feel lost and confused. I'd be exactly the same.

You only seem concerned about the money and how her sadness is a downer for you. You say you can afford the mortgage on your own, so do it. I earn about 6 times as much as my husband and I only know this because I had to work it out to tell you. Otherwise it just doesn't matter. He more than contributes to the household in the care he takes of me and our son. We both work hard, we both contribute, we're both valuable. His name is on the deeds and the mortgage, but his income wasn't taken into account for the affordability because it fluctuates. The issues you raise are surmountable - but I'm not sure the reasons why you are raising them are. A mortgage is a huge commitment, in some ways bigger than a marriage - if you're this resentful of her now, 8 weeks into a devastating life event during a pandemic when everyone's stressed to fuck, I'm not sure how you'll fare during a lifetime of job loss, maybe issues with kids, health problems... Life really isn't hearts and flowers. It's a series of problems to be solved, large and small, until you die. There will ALWAYS be something. Always. If you can't see past it, you'll spend your whole life miserable.

FastFood · 14/12/2020 18:18

The workplace is full of ambitious, burnt-out and unhappy people.
If you really love her, just let her be happy her own way.

PillowPrincess · 14/12/2020 18:19

You dont sound like you love her. Find someone rich next time.

CauliflowerBalti · 14/12/2020 18:20

Ohhhh I've just read your dismissive attitude towards the way she measures success in terms of happiness, not financial achievement and career ambition.

You need to have a good long look at yourself. She's got her head very screwed on.

PillowPrincess · 14/12/2020 18:20

You sound like you look down on her.

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