Unemployed girlfriend

[Frannnnnasa]

(I'm a girl too btw, just so there's no debate about whether i'm a girl or boy).

We are both 26 and been together a year and a half. Both still live at home with our parents (suits us).
My job pays well and I am saving for a house deposit. Girlfriend was also saving for a house deposit so we can move out within the next 2 years.
Girlfriend found out 2 months ago she lost her job in a pub (covid-related).
She has since been looking but struggling to find work. She has had interviews but feedback is always she was a "close-second".

She is currently doing temp work as a supply TA whilst completing her masters but work has dried up the past week with christmas half term coming closer.
So that's an extra week of no pay along with the christmas half-term.

She has her masters finance coming through in around a month but she's stressed and feeling very anxious about.money. she has savings of about £4000.
I feel it's affecting our relationship because she keeps crying that she'll never afford a deposit. I love her but it's been so strained the past 2 months since she lost her job.
Temp work was going well but supply TA isbt amazing pay and it's inconsistent.
It does feel we will be at home witb parents forever. I can probably afford a mortgage on my own but how will her inconsistent wage affect me getting a mortgage?

@Frannnnnasa

I think i've come across awful here and I haven't meant to Maybe it's because I am from quite a 'well-off' background. Most of my family are in careers considered to be high-earning (lawyers, vets, doctors). It's something my family drill into us - to always work hard.

I always tell her that too - work hard and things will happen - and she does work hard, i'm not saying she doesnt.
She had an assingment due in 3 weeks so i've told her maybe it's good she has the time off to complete it.
I am supportive in real life, i am probably just bad at wording things.

Sounds like you think you're a cut above! All this 'work hard and things will happen' sounds like patronising crap when she's obviously working as hard as possible and still not meeting your high standards. You say you are supportive, but based on the tone of your posts here you really aren't coming across that way.

Sounds like she needs reassurance from you that it's not affecting your relationship... can you honestly offer that? She's done well getting work at all recently. I have a highly qualified and experienced friend who hasn't been able to secure anything since Covid.

I don’t think you have the emotional depth or maturity to be in a serious relationship OP.

You’re panicking about a couple of months of semi-employment during a global pandemic, and judging someone you are supposed to love harshly and quickly.

I think you sound incompatible. Tbh when you’re young being in love is great but now as you’ve found now that you’re over 25, real adult stuff like buying houses is coming up, and you have different priorities.

Not quite sure why you thought someone who worked with children was going to earn the big bucks that you’d like for your big deposit - but look you know now.

Pp have been pretty mean about your attitude but I think it comes from not really understanding how privileged your are until you’re with someone who isn’t, and who isn’t concerned about money the way you are. You think it’s normal but really what is normal? You’re incompatible, better you know now.

Jesus Christ, do her a favour and leave her. She sounds incredible and there are plenty of people out there who will love her & support her for exactly who she is.

This is coming from a former teacher who decided to quit and take a lowly retail job instead because it made me much happier. Thank God my husband- who earns 8x more than me, since that seems important- was fully behind my decision. And he’s benefitted from a much happier, relaxed, less stressed wife.

In all kindness OP you sound like you may not be compatible long term . It’s fine to be well educated and not ambitious , relationships are about being a team - if you think you are carrying her and resent that neither of you will be happy over time

You sound incompatible and I dare say it won’t be long until the resentment grows on either side. Yours from her low earning potential hers from you ‘encouraging’ her to aim higher. Nothing about your relationship sounds loving or supportive from what you have written and I can guarantee there’ll be times where it’s longer than 2 months of stress!

Your poor girlfriend. I hope her life picks up a bit, she sounds like she’s got her head screwed on right. Money doesn’t always make a career worthy OP. I’d say working with children is a hell of a lot more worthy than anything you’re doing.

@Frannnnnasa

I dont think she can claim benefits as her supply TA work was bringing in around £250 a week when work was busy;

I love her a lot but sometimes I do panic about our earning difference.
To put it into perspect: I work in medicine. I'm happy and comfortable with my wage.

I think you need to take a long hard look at whether long term she is going to be "good enough" for you and the lifestyle you want before you get married, have a kid and feel trapped

@Frannnnnasa I get it, you come from a very ordered and hierarchical career,where it’s all about progression. And moving up in your chosen speciality and then that’s reinforced in her family as the norm, that reinforcement has skewed op view of careers and what she and her family consider “doing well”. She’s probably from one of those hyper competitive families “so what have you achieved as an SpR...who is your supervisor?

Unfortunately such introverted views only serve to skew and misalign how @Frannnnnasa sees careers and progression. Genuinely if op feels she’s happiest being a TA and not a teacher That’s her personal choice. Different jobs,different demands. It doesn’t make the gf a failure or unambtious it just means she’s decided the level she wants to work at. I think if she were a teacher you’d push her to be a HT.

Your girlfriend has had huge setbacks eg job loss yet she has the resilience to dust herself down, look for, and get temp jobs. Clearly personable and bright. She’s not acting lost, she is lost. The world is in flux, we all feel lost

Op you’re not fine with any of this. It’s not your natural comfort zone,it challenges your preconceived ideas. Now the test will be, can you accommodate and live with your gf as she is. Or is this you have about money & ambition going to be a thing. If it remains a thing you’ll have strain in your relationship

You're so patronising and insincere, I don't know if you can see it? Just awful. I'd rather be married to someone on minimum wage for life than be with someone like you that judges a person's worth by their earnings.

Have you discussed your future finances with her. Are you both going 50/50 on mortgage payment/bills etc or a percentage of your wages. If the gap in your earnings is concerning you I think you may need to address it before you buy together.

What do you want to hear, what kind of advice?
I think she annoys you now when she has no job due to covid (naughty her, how dares she) and now you are questioning her "usefulness" for a future mortgage application. Please leave her, you clearly don't love or need her. It's easier to do now than later.

Just one point, I think you’ll find if you want the house in both names the mortgage will need to be a joint one also. The mortgage provider will also want insurance cover in the event of something happening to one of you.

Your gf shouldn't be so stressed about losing her pub job if she still lives at home with her parents and is studying for a masters. She's probably a bag of nerves due to all the pressure you put on her. You don't sound comparable.

@PillowPrincess

You sound like you look down on her.

This! The masters alone will be hard enough, give her a break.

It sounds like what might have worked as a casual relationship when younger is hitting a point where you differ fundamentally in your outlooks.

You are very career driven, want to increase your salary and get a mortgage and there is nothing wrong with that.
She wants a job she enjoys, accepts it's low paying and doesn't have any ambitions to move beyond that initial job. There's nothing wrong with that either.

You're going to run into issues because you both have very different outlooks and priorities.

FWIW, some of the most skilled practitioners I've worked with have been TAs who've become specialists in a particular area of SEN, or done their HLTA qualification. Great TAs who want to be TAs and are passionate about children's learning (vs some who drift into it after having children because they want a job that's term time only rather than a particular passion) are an asset to schools and to the children they work with. Aside from your different outlooks on life within this relationship, you could probably do with reflecting on how you view other roles.

Ultimately you're probably not compatible, and I think this situation has highlighted how fundementally different your attitude towards work and money is, whereas you never really saw it before.

You should probably have a good think about how you see your finances working if you move in together. Would you be happy each paying a percentage of your salary into a joint account for mortgage/bills/holidays/etc, so you'd obviously be paying a lot more into the joint account than her - or do you want totally shared money all wages thrown in together - or a 50:50 split of bills regardless of income.

And depending on how you sort your finances, how will it affect your life, travel, hobbies, socialising? Will you have to settle for less than you want because she can't keep up financially, or are you prepared to share finances or subsidise her (without complaint or constant reminders about how you pay for everything)?

The first thing you should absolutely do is plan to get a mortgage and buy a house on your own, as by the sounds of it she's way behind you financially and it's doubtful she'll ever be able to match you.

It's something my family drill into us - to always work hard

Wow! You're really not doing yourself any favours!

People on nmw work hard

Sahm work hard

Unpaid carers work hard

I don't think your upbringing being related to high earning careers is the issue, I think snobbery is!

Surely you must understand the economic impact of covid

I genuinely think op possibly doesn't, hasn't been impacted negatively themselves and quite possibly neither have their close friends and family aside from the girlfriend.

I'm getting the feeling this isn't just about money/earnings I think there may be some class issues here too

@TheVanguardSix my dd is away studying she was applying for jobs end of summer just part time to fit around her studies and there were close on 1000 applicants per post! It's scary how bad it is at the moment!

Regarding benefits op clearly doesn't understand how it works.

Under UC (admittedly supposedly far from a perfect system) claimants payments are adjusted depending on if and how much they earn across a month. There are minimum income levels I believe so it may be worth ops girlfriend checking online calculators and speaking to welfare advisors.

There's a lot of evidence that the higher earning careers are higher earning largely because they are or were traditionally men's careers! Careers that USED to be mainly Male dominated and have in more recent years become female dominated have become less high earning.

A dr is not necessarily a harder worker than a nurse or hca, a lawyer is not necessarily a harder worker than a PA...

We live in a patriarchal, capitalist society where how hard a job is to do isn't necessarily what determines the pay it attracts.

You've got it easy, there's always jobs in medical. You could be crap at your job and still get hired.

Agree with this, it's frightening how easy it is to be a poor hcp in our nhs, the vast majority are good committed people but there is a significant minority of people who really shouldn't be in the profession

I only suggest things.
What's wrong with encouraging someone to aim for more?

What "suggestions?*

People's definitions of "aiming for more" differ too - money isn't everything! Neither is "position"

Some people value having a good work/life balance, family, friendships, travel...

I've been happiest in my lowest earning jobs! Almost completely stress free, no "office politics" bullshit or competitiveness, laid back atmosphere to point of radio on singing along while working, leave the job at the door when you leave! Great!

Don't settle as a teaching assistant, be a teacher

Wow! Seems I was right about the snobbery factor!

What exactly is wrong with being a TA? I have a lot of teachers, lecturers and TA's in my friends and family, none of the teachers or lecturers look down on the TA's or see them as having "settled" it's an entirely different job to the one that they do and they are immensely grateful for the work the TA's they work with do! On several occasions the comment "I couldn't do that job I haven't the same level of patience/insight/ability" has been said.

But her opinion does differ to mine,
She doesn't see a problem if she's 50 and still a teaching assistant as long as she's happy and feels comfortable.

What is the problem with this? You seem to very much underestimate the value of happiness and contentment. Mental health and well-being is crucial to a happy life. I suffer badly with mh issues, I'd give anything to be mentally healthy and able to work a part time nmw job

I'm fine with this but it's always good to be ambitious.

Depends on your definition of "ambitious"

Some people are ambitious to achieve a happy, balanced low stress life!

I think you should read this if you haven't before and if you have read it again

The fisherman's parable

https://bemorewithless.com/the-story-of-the-mexican-fisherman/

You do realize they are different jobs? TAs aren’t ‘wanna be’ teachers?

Yea, if a dr I suspect they're the type of dr I occasionally came across as a nurse who viewed nurses as "people who weren't good enough to get into med school" thankfully they're in the minority but they exist

I've unfortunately dated people like this too - Male and female (I really need to get better at spotting this particular red flag!) and it's so disheartening and stressful! Frankly it's soul destroying feeling like you'll never be good enough. I actually said that to the last one that it was because they were continually making me feel like I wasn't quite good enough and I was starting to feel tense when travelling to see them. They appeared genuinely shocked and later that day apologised, realised it was pointless asking me to reconsider but very much regretted how things turned out. I heard she made the same mistake in the relationship after me but the one after that was after she had done some kind of work on herself and had tempered this aspect of herself. Not everyone is capable of that. They are now married.

The issues you raise are surmountable - but I'm not sure the reasons why you are raising them are.

I think that's an incredibly insightful and astute observation

Gonna call it straight: you sound like an entitled arse. So many people dying and struggling to make ends meet and your worried you can't buy a house? Fuck off! Grow up op. All things considered your both better off than a lot of people. This post is so conceited.

Oh shit, I’m a SEN TA, my DH earns six figures. I’m fucked.

Your girlfriend sounds lovely. I hope she finds someone supportive and wonderful who makes her truly happy and accepts her for who she is.

I am happy and accept her for what she is

If she wants to be cleaner then i'd support her, but as I said, i'd always encourage her to aim high, but I would never ever belittle someone.

My anxiety stemmed from her having no pay for 3 weeks since work this work seems unlikely and then schools aren't back until 4th January.