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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH being U expecting sex?

208 replies

Millyay · 13/12/2020 22:04

I worked late today, finishing at 8.15pm. I'm a commercial cleaner for a large building so it's a physically demanding and tiring job.

I got home at 9pm and rushed my dinner so I could shower and go to bed reasonably early as I have to be up first thing for the nursery run.

When DH asked how my shift was I said " yeah good, although my TMD (chronic pain) is flaring up"

Well no sooner had I said that he suddenly went quiet, like I'd pissed on his cornflakes.

I figured I knew why, because he was hoping for sex.

Sure enough as I'm getting up off the sofa he playfully gropes my bum (that's his indicator, I know!)

With all of this in mind, AIBU to think he's a CF for expecting sex tonight?

OP posts:
Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 13/12/2020 22:06

Shy bairns get nowt!!.

Maybe he missed you today and wanted some closeness. Or maybe he is a cf. Only you can know.

Original poster
Millyay · 13/12/2020 22:07

I'm going with him being a CF.

After we had sex last night he said he was already looking forward to round 2 tomorrow (tonight)

It bores the shit out of me.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/12/2020 22:08

Sex bores you? Either he or you are doing it wrong.

SarahAndQuack · 13/12/2020 22:09

You don't like sex with him. Why are you having it? Why does he want to have sex with someone who doesn't want sex with him?

user1473878824 · 13/12/2020 22:11

I don’t think it’s wrong for him to want to sleep with you and he didn’t force you into anything, just signalled to you that he would like to sleep with you. The way you talk about being bored by sex with him makes me feel quite sorry for him really.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 13/12/2020 22:11

Well get him (you) a new toy for Xmas to spice it up...lying there thinking of England /washing up /Covid is denying yourself of a good sex life!!

geekone · 13/12/2020 22:11

So your DH says how much he enjoyed dtd with you and you are bored?

Stop having sex if you don’t want it and if he does and can’t live without it. Let him go. It doesn’t sound like you are sexually compatible, which won’t work. It’s ok, really ok not to want sex ever but you need to find someone the same.

Original poster
Millyay · 13/12/2020 22:13

It's not sex that bores me it's the expectation of it, regardless of how tired I am or how I'm feeling on any given day.

It bores me how he schedules it in so the expectation is there regardless of how tired I am or whether I have a headache or whatever.

I just want to come home, eat, shower and be able to relax before sleep without having to contend with him sulking because he has to go 24 hours without it.

We had sex last night, then two days in a row prior.

He's that sex obsessed he would have it regardless of how tired/ill/stressed he is. He doesn't grasp that it's not the same for everybody else.

OP posts:
NaughtipussMaximus · 13/12/2020 22:17

I couldn’t be having with living with a sex pest. What a bore. YANBU.

gottakeeponmovin · 13/12/2020 22:17

He sounds like a bloody nightmare

Cherrysoup · 13/12/2020 22:17

I think you need to woman up and tell him this. If you’d already told him you were in pain, he’s hugely unreasonable to be even hinting at it. Why are some people so bloody obsessed with it?

Lou98 · 13/12/2020 22:20

I don't think your DP was wrong for trying to initiate sex, it's how he responds when you say no or not tonight that would be telling. If he respects that and says no problem etc then I don't think he's doing anything wrong by asking. However, if he gets angry about you saying no or tries to make you feel bad/pressure you etc that's where the problem would be and if that's the case then you're definitely not BU!

Different people do want more/less sex than others and that's normal but needs to be respected by both parties. I'm a bit like your partner when I still want to have sex with my DP if I'm stressed/tired/had a long day etc as for me it helps relax me and I enjoy unwinding. I would happily have sex a lot more than my DP does as like you he isn't in the mood when he's tired/not feeling great etc and that's absolutely fine too. We still have sex enough that's good for both of us and neither of us make the other feel bad if we're not in the mood and if that isn't the case then that's the problem you need to address really

Lockheart · 13/12/2020 22:21

Neither of you are being unreasonable. However it sounds like you're not compatible sexually and you have vastly different libidos, which is often a recipe for disaster. You feel pressured and he feels rejected. It does not a happy marriage make.

Have you tried sitting down (in the middle of the day / a non-sex context) and talking about it with him?

Deadringer · 13/12/2020 22:21

So as soon as you have had sex he talks about the next time. And he sulks. He sounds like a sex pest. Yuck

Original poster
Millyay · 13/12/2020 22:23

He doesn't get angry or try to change my mind when I say I don't want it, but he goes quiet and feels sorry for himself which then makes me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 13/12/2020 22:24

No one should ever expect sex, want it, fine, but to expect it and then get sulky when you say you're not feeling well is sexually coercive behaviour. How many times have you gone asking with it just so he doesn't get in a mood? It's not right.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 13/12/2020 22:24

*gone along

Lockheart · 13/12/2020 22:26

@Millyay

He doesn't get angry or try to change my mind when I say I don't want it, but he goes quiet and feels sorry for himself which then makes me feel uncomfortable.
Being rejected hurts, it's not a fun experience. How is your communication generally in the relationship? Are you able to have honest conversations about sex?
Original poster
Millyay · 13/12/2020 22:26

I've had so much sex I don't want just to make him happy.

I don't even have a low sex drive. I want it a few times a week but he is relentless.

I knew he was sulking when I got in and said I'd been in pain.

He still tried to tempt me with a grope regardless.

OP posts:
2LitreBottle · 13/12/2020 22:27

YANBU for being pissed off at him for treating sex like something he’s entitled to, regardless of whether you want it.

Re the pain, sometimes my DP will suggest sex (or more accurately, some sort of sexual activity, but mainly hand stuff) if I’m feeling crappy as it helps relax me. But that’s because he’s unselfish with it and takes time to make sure I’m enjoying it. From your OP it doesn’t sound like your DP is offering you a pampering relaxing experience to help you drift off to sleep after a long hard day, so you need a strong word about your expectations about both having and NOT having sex.

Lockheart · 13/12/2020 22:27

You shouldn't be having sex you don't want. You need to sit down with him and have a proper conversation

thepeopleversuswork · 13/12/2020 22:29

I don't think there's anything unreasonable about him trying it on or indicating that he wants sex with you -- in a marriage it shouldn't be an outrageous thought that you might want sex.

You seem to really not want it with him though: is that because you don't fancy him? Or is it because he pesters you? If its the former you may just not be sexually compatible. If the latter you need to have a word.

Stompythedinosaur · 13/12/2020 22:29

Anyone who expects sex is unreasonable. No one is entitled to anyone else's body, ever.

If you fancy sex then the normal course of action is to attempt to seduce them and get them in the mood so that they want to same, not to sulk like a giant baby.

peboh · 13/12/2020 22:31

@thepeopleversuswork

I don't think there's anything unreasonable about him trying it on or indicating that he wants sex with you -- in a marriage it shouldn't be an outrageous thought that you might want sex.

You seem to really not want it with him though: is that because you don't fancy him? Or is it because he pesters you? If its the former you may just not be sexually compatible. If the latter you need to have a word.

I agree with you. If my husband stopped trying to have sex with me I'd wonder what had happened. The sulking is a bit much, but trying it on with your wife isn't unreasonable. Do you fancy him op? Is it just the getting monk on when you say no that's causing the animosity?
CrotchBurn · 13/12/2020 22:31

@thepeopleversuswork
It's right there in the OP. Shes tired and just needs some down time without a guy groping her