Is DH being U expecting sex?

[Millyay]

I worked late today, finishing at 8.15pm. I'm a commercial cleaner for a large building so it's a physically demanding and tiring job.

I got home at 9pm and rushed my dinner so I could shower and go to bed reasonably early as I have to be up first thing for the nursery run.

When DH asked how my shift was I said " yeah good, although my TMD (chronic pain) is flaring up"

Well no sooner had I said that he suddenly went quiet, like I'd pissed on his cornflakes.

I figured I knew why, because he was hoping for sex.

Sure enough as I'm getting up off the sofa he playfully gropes my bum (that's his indicator, I know!)

With all of this in mind, AIBU to think he's a CF for expecting sex tonight?

Are you sure OP that they discharged you purely on this basis? It sounds unlikely to me that someone with MH problems and a history of abusive relationships would be discharged simply on the basis that they were in a new relationship.

They were satisfied that my MH had improved, but they were also adamant that they viewed DH as a protective factor and his presence was a fundamental factor in their decision to discharge us.

We had a shared small circle of friends (who don't want anything to do with us anymore because they don't approve of his cheating or me staying with him

Might they support you in leaving him? I had a situation where a friend wouldn't leave and I pulled back because she kept drinking instead, and it was unhealthy for me to be around. I felt I couldn't offer anything she would accept, and so, pulled myself out of the situation to avoid risking my own health.

If she phoned me now and said she was leaving him, I'd be there like a shot with anything I could do for her.

Agree with PP, can you get in touch with your friends and start building a support system

@Millyay

Are you sure OP that they discharged you purely on this basis? It sounds unlikely to me that someone with MH problems and a history of abusive relationships would be discharged simply on the basis that they were in a new relationship.

They were satisfied that my MH had improved, but they were also adamant that they viewed DH as a protective factor and his presence was a fundamental factor in their decision to discharge us.

Thanks. Don't want to probe too much on this but did you hear this directly from them? Or was this his interpretation of it?

It sounds odd: SS are normally highly alert to the risk to children from a new partner or step-parent. In my experience they would consider him more of a red flag than a "protective factor".

I would definitely take advice from Women's Aid on this. If as you suggest SS are going to consider your DH's withdrawal from the relationship as a negative (and I'm not convinced they would), you need to make sure that you have gone on record with your concerns.

@Millyay

He also seems to have a possible addiction- not in wanting it daily but things like when his mum is there is an indicator of compulsive behaviour

My thoughts exactly.

Of course people enjoy sex and aren't unreasonable to fancy it on a daily basis, but you have to be sensible about it.

Leaving small children in front of the television to slope off for a bunk up isn't right, nor is placating a visiting mother with a cup of tea so you can slope off and have sex whilst she's visiting.

I could understand his frustration if we went months without but we don't and never have.

The longest he has to wait is 5ish days when I'm on my period once a month.

In the run up to my period starting he wants even more than usual to tide him over as he knows he won't be getting it for days.

I don't want to drip feed any more but there are plenty of things which indicate to me that he has an unhealthy compulsion for sex, because sex takes priority for him over me and our family.

@Millyay

Why aren’t you discussing this with your husband then, instead of MN.

Sounds like it’s a serious issue for you & he could potentially have an addiction/need some real help with whatever is going on with him!

@MAK93 have you read the entire thread?

DH is bio father to both my children. The SS assessment was during my pregnancy with our eldest (age 3)

At that point I wasn't aware he was unfaithful.

DH being a protective factor was relayed to me directly from the social worker (who was lovely to be fair, credit where it's due)

I was concerned that they might want to remove DS at birth and offered to move out of our home if they were worried about my MH, so DS could stay with DH. It was then relayed to me that it's not nessecary because DH being here with us is a protective factor.

The assessment concluded no further involvement but that weighed heavily on the fact I had DH for support.

When I fell pregnant with our youngest a year later my mental health was flagged again at the midwife booking in appointment as it was on file, they contacted SS who wanted to confirm that my circumstances hadn't changed (still being supported by DH and DH still with us) and on that basis no further assessment was nessecary.

Given all of that I'm sure you can understand why I feel trapped, though I know SS would never knowingly want to cause this to happen.

@Koffeekake

Sorry got to that page & thought that was the last comment!

@Millyay I hope you manage to get some help & feel better! After just reading the rest of the thread 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

That's ok MAK I appreciate I have drip fed, alot.

I don't always feel comfortable divulging the full extent of my circumstances as it's very messy and even acknowledging it triggers my anxiety.

Millyay

"DH is bio father to both my children. The SS assessment was during my pregnancy with our eldest (age 3)

At that point I wasn't aware he was unfaithful."

Sorry I wasn't aware that he was bio-father.

Clearly SS aren't aware that he is part of the problem. I think you should talk to Women's Aid. You need to get some support in place from someone who is not your DH.

Sorry if I've missed this but is there anyone else you could rely on for support? Family or close friends? If they are concerned that you need support but the "support" you have is actually contributing to your MH problems you need to put a network in place which will convince them that there are other non-toxic sources of support.

I think the assessment was on the basis that he is a supportive and loving husband, not that he is abusive and part of the problem with your MH.
If you separated would he be able/willing to have 50/50 care?

OP, if you are not in love with your husband (doesn't sound like you are) and there is a real threat of loosing custody of your children due to your MH issues why don't you offer him open marriage? This way you will be more in control and strictly speaking it won't be cheating anymore..
Absolutely work on your MH and once there is no danger from SS leave..

OP do not engage in an open relationship. They only work where both parties are happy and in a trusting and safe relationship. You are not in a trusting or safe relationship.
The problem is bigger than sex, and sex will not solve anything.

50/50 wouldn't be possible due to his work pattern, also I'm not convinced he would bother to be a hands on parent should he no longer live with them full time.

When he left me for the last OW I asked him if he could take them out for a few hours so I could focus on myself for part the day and he just ignored me.

I have considered offering an open marriage whereby he can do as he likes so long as he doesn't pester me for sex, but honestly I'm not sure how well I'd deal with that given how badly I reacted to previous affairs.

He's extremely emotionally immature and is the sort who confuses lust for love, IE as per the last OW because their 'relationship' was based largely around sex and sneaking around it was exciting so in his mind it was wonderful and worth binning me and the kids for when she demanded that he do so.

During that affair when I suspected he was up to something but didn't have proof I actually said to him that I didn't care what he did so long as he was here for the children, he seemed ok with that but OW pushed him to leave so he did.

He's that weak willed all it takes is some floozy to give him the glad eye and he's happy to jump ship regardless of the ramifications for the children.

Sometimes I think that I'm destined to lose them and so I cherish every day I do have with them, as sad as that sounds.

I think your mental health problems would improve a lot if you LTB. I appreciate it’s not that easy but if you split I’d keep your posts on this thread to show to SS if they became involved. I can’t believe they’d read them and think you’d be better off staying with him. You’d probably feel like a weight had lifted if you could get away.

Im not in love with him no, he killed that stone dead when he shagged his ex at Christmas when I was 36 weeks pregnant with our first.

The love has never recovered.

I stay only for the kids.

I also dont think they’d fail to see that you’re the better parent. He’s a shit husband and a shit dad.

@ButterflyBitch

I think your mental health problems would improve a lot if you LTB. I appreciate it’s not that easy but if you split I’d keep your posts on this thread to show to SS if they became involved. I can’t believe they’d read them and think you’d be better off staying with him. You’d probably feel like a weight had lifted if you could get away.

This.

It's very clear that he is the cause of a major part if not all of your MH problems. You would be happier and probably a much more competent parent without him.

If you need to convince SS of this then you should put a support network in place to ensure that there are others who can demonstrate this "protective" role. This is why I suggest talking to WA because they probably have access to people who can help you in making this case to SS.

I'm not trying to diminish your fear of SS because I can see its very real for you but I think you have a slightly warped view of this: SS are not determined to keep you in an abusive relationship: they are clearly unaware that the so-called "protective factor" is in fact the source of the problem. But they are used to dealing with scenarios where the father or stepfather is a malign influence on the woman and children. As long as they are clear that your MH is not a risk to your children they will not punish you for seeking to leave an abusive relationship.

Please get advice on how to do this. You can't remain with this man purely to insure yourself against the risk that SS will take your children when he is the problem.

I will psych myself up to contact women's aid.

I do realise my fear is the driving factor here and I do realise SS would not want somebody to stay in a situation that is worsening their MH problems.

I'm just scared to take that leap incase they do think I'm not strong/stable enough to look after the DC on my own.

My reaction to him leaving last time, be it only for a week, only served to confirm my worries that i'd be a mess on my own and not able to meet their needs.

Ideally I would rebuild my MH before ending the marriage but I recognise it's not as simple as that whilst I'm still entangled with one of the main causes of my poor MH.

I don't have a strong support network beyond DH, my DM is disabled and my only other relative thinks the sun shines out of DH's backside. I don't have any friends and the ones I did have weren't particularly good ones that I could rely on for anything beyond occasional drinks on a weekend as couples.

OP you will be able to cope without him, it will be hard but you'll get through it and in the end you will be so much better off

OP I totally understand why this is scary for you: I've previously been in a situation where my ex partner's behaviour triggered SS involvement (though not in quite as dramatic a fashion as this). I understand how traumatic this is.

But as gently as possible you need to understand that a) your relationship IS the source of your MH problems and that these won't go away unless you separate from him - and therefore that your children will continue to be at risk as long as you stay with him -- and b) social services are not in the business of forcing women to stay with abusive or dangerous partners. That's really not how they look at it.

Please talk to WA: be persistent as they are difficult to get hold of. Talk to your GP. Put on record what you've put on here. Don't do anything sudden and make sure you have protected your MH as far as you can -- I realise this isn't going to be easy.

I haven't had much experience of SS but others on here have: it may be that talking to SS about this confidentially could actually help. I'd take advice on this.

But you need to shift your mindset away from "I need to stay with him to protect the children" to "I need to get away from him safely to protect the children".

If you separate from him then social services will only get involved again if there is a reason to. It won't be automatic.
Also, even if they do get involved they will assess the situation as it is NOW not on the basis of what they believed it to be previously.
If you have a plan of support for your mental health and with the children then they would want to support you where possible. I'm not making any guarantees of course but even if you did have a MH crisis you're many many steps away from the children being removed from you.

I will psych myself up to contact women's aid

So glad to hear you're planning this, @Millyay

Don't forget, they're the people who support women so they can get psyched up to do other things, so there's nothing to fear from making the call.

oh op i knew it wasnt as simple as your op-i really hope you talk to someone even if you dont do anything else right now you need someone to say its going to be ok

Please make sure you do contact women aid. They may be able to offer community support while the DC are young.
Your fear of SS is valid it is very understandable.
Women's aid will be a different experience more compassionate than stress inducing.