Is DH being U expecting sex?

[Millyay]

I worked late today, finishing at 8.15pm. I'm a commercial cleaner for a large building so it's a physically demanding and tiring job.

I got home at 9pm and rushed my dinner so I could shower and go to bed reasonably early as I have to be up first thing for the nursery run.

When DH asked how my shift was I said " yeah good, although my TMD (chronic pain) is flaring up"

Well no sooner had I said that he suddenly went quiet, like I'd pissed on his cornflakes.

I figured I knew why, because he was hoping for sex.

Sure enough as I'm getting up off the sofa he playfully gropes my bum (that's his indicator, I know!)

With all of this in mind, AIBU to think he's a CF for expecting sex tonight?

It's unreasonable that, as a couple, they are married but have such mismatched expectations that it's causing OP such discomfort.

Jesus, there are some people with bloody low standards on this thread. It’s completely unreasonable to expect your partner to provide sex on tap any time you want it, regardless of how tired or unwell you feel. Salivating over “another round” in 24 hours time is just horrible.

You’re not being remotely unreasonable, @Millyay. Your body belongs to you, you don’t have to provide unlimited access to it.

I think right now you are both just sexually incompatible. That doesn't mean the end of a marriage necessarily. Have you spoke to him about how it's making you feel?
I stand by what I said that wanting to have sex with your wife isn't unreasonable, and sex daily isn't hyper sexuality. However if you're feeling like you're having to give it up because of his moods then something has to change.

I would hate that too, he sounds like a selfish pest.

Of COURSE he is fucking unreasonable

You mention he wants it constantly, you say he is relentless and sulks when he doesn't get it despite knowing you're in pain.many we STILL have people on here sympathising with this total sex pest?

Unbelievable

OP - tell him to stop pestering you as it's a turn off and not normal.

I'd be the same OP.
I like to be relaxed in the mood not exhausted looking for my bed, it is okay if tucked up and happens naturally.
Call him a sex pest.

There's a big difference between wanting a lot of sex with someone who also wants it with you and pestering someone for sex when they've made it clear they are tired/in pain/not interested.

There's nothing inherently awful about wanting regular sex with your partner but if he's pushing it when you're not up for it then he's not a keeper.

If you have no sexual interest in him at all and particularly if he's pushy and entitled it is reasonable to wonder whether you are compatible and whether your relationship has just run its course.

I would actually piss on his cornflakes OP. I detest sex pests.
being single is fantastic, I can just go to bed now and go to sleep when I'm tired and in pain and not have a sulking twat moaning about it in my bed.

Well hubby mentioned about having sex within an hour of me telling him my grandad had died, nice of him to offer!

he wants sex when you mum is visiting? thats a bit much he cant bloody wait?

@VinylDetective

Jesus, there are some people with bloody low standards on this thread. It’s completely unreasonable to expect your partner to provide sex on tap any time you want it, regardless of how tired or unwell you feel. Salivating over “another round” in 24 hours time is just horrible.

You’re not being remotely unreasonable, @Millyay. Your body belongs to you, you don’t have to provide unlimited access to it.

This 100%. I'm shocked by some of the responses here. Pestering for sex every single night and sulking when OP is tired and in pain is pathetic. He's not showing any love or care for his wife, it's all about him.

And trying to get sex in even when there are visitors in the house? It's one thing to have a high sex drive but he sounds obsessed and is prioritising sex above all else. That's not healthy.

There's two things going on in this thread...

1. OP is not obliged to have sex if she doesn't feel like it and her husband shouldn't be sulking, that's grim and manipulative and he needs a big old conversation about how gross it is that he is creating an atmosphere, especially when OP doesn't want sex because she's in pain.

1. Wanting to have sex regularly (even - gasp! Daily!) is not 'grubby' or 'immature', and I hate hate hate the competitive bollocks on Mumsnet of "My husband wouldn't even dare give me the eye unless it was his birthday he knows I find all expectation or interest in sex repulsive". It is NORMAL in a relationship where you haven't discussed otherwise to expect that you will have sex sometimes. It is not abnormal for that sometimes to be daily. Yes there is an issue if one person doesn't want to have sex that regularly but can we please stop pretending that only men want regular sex and only because they're filthy perverts who just want 'a warm body' (according to a PP) and not because it's a fucking normal human thing to do with your partner and part of intimacy?

what even in the middle of the day when his mum is there?

@Millyay

I'm going with him being a CF.

After we had sex last night he said he was already looking forward to round 2 tomorrow (tonight)

It bores the shit out of me.

What the hell?

He's being unreasonable to expect sex after being told that you felt ill, but he's not unreasonable to be disappointed. I don't know of many men who wouldn't be disappointed by that, frankly.

Is the sex interesting or basically using a woman for a wank?
Less is more sometimes.

The sulking is very manipulative.

It would do my head in, that, as well as the pestering.

Think you have to lower his expectations. He cannot expect sex whenever he wants it regardless if your wishes. When he says ‘I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s session already’ I’d reply with: ‘Well sunshine, you’re out of luck, 3 days on—3 days off.’

I posted on here the other day and completely get where you are coming from. I mentioned to my DH earlier that I was feeling under the weather and 5 minutes later he started touching me up! I'm not going to lie, I looked him dead in the eyes and said "I don't want sex tonight". It's the first time I've been brave enough to just come out and say it!

How about he makes some fucking effort, like run you a bath, cook a meal, massage your shoulders. Nobody fancies a sex pest

^ This

You need to stop having sex with him if you don't enjoy it, I mean it. Only have sex when you actively want to, even if it feels unnatural or like you're slacking (which it shouldn't). He's a big boy, he can sort himself out or decide what he wants out of the relationship if this doesn't work for him, but you will develop sexual damage from having "consensual" sex that you don't want to have.

It sounds like you've both got into a bad habit of not communicating properly and having expectations that the other doesn't understand in some sense.

Maybe he's a pest, but sometimes over a period things slide into this kind of a situation without anyone really intending it. How did it get this way, OP? Did you use to not mind? Or was he different?

Managing disappointment and having sex to please the other person are complicated. Some people will say the latter should never happen, but I think that's unrealistic in a lot of situations. Many marriages go through periods where one person has a higher libido and the other sometimes has sex mainly to make them happy or help them out - just like we do with a lot of things in a marriage.

Unfortunately that can develop into bad habits and result in conversations that would be useful not happening.

I guess my question is whether you and he can kind of do a reset. It would mean having some honest conversations.

In really surprised how many posters think it is normal to have sex to keep their partner happy when they don't really want to. I honestly didn't think that was a thing in this day and age.

I'm also astonished that anyone is happy to have sex with a partner who isn't into it. Isn't that a massive turn off? I can't imagine dp trying to keep going if he sensed I was not as aroused as he is. I dont think it speaks well of anyone to be happy to have sex in that situation.

Millyay I think it sounds really unpleasant and I would find it really unacceptable.

I think you need to work out what you do find unpleasant or acceptable about it and talk about it with him.

If you like him groping your bum as a way of indicating he would like sex then fine, if you don't like it, you need to suggest some other ways he can signal an interest in sex.

I think referring to it as round one or two is awful. Firstly it sounds like a fight or boxing match! Secondly, it sound like it isn't finished. It's hanging over your head like some incomplete chore. That is how I would feel.

Anecdotally, I think it is quite common for women to have lower sex drives than men, especially after having kids, especially when the kids are young. So I think you are completely normal to feel this way.

You made it clear in your opening post that he goes quiet, which suggested that he does sulk, at least a bit, unless he instantly gets over the quietness!

"Well no sooner had I said that he suddenly went quiet, like I'd pissed on his cornflakes."

Yes, I agree with Eckhart ...

"There's a lot of worrying responses here suggesting that his behaviour is acceptable or that other people are experiencing the same and so they normalise it. It's OK to have different sex drives. It's not OK to try to manipulate your partner into sex by sulking."

I am so sorry for all the women on here have have experienced similar things.

AnneLovesGilbert " Plenty of people happily want sex when they’ve got a headache or backache."

How can you possibly know this? Is there a study? Your comments are quite unusual here. I think someone pestering for sex and sulking when they don't get it would definitely add to my mental load!

Threads like this on AIBU these days are usually plagued by people, possibly female, possibly male, with teeny little agendas.

Who can tell? AIBU on Mumsnet is kind of the lightning rod for all sorts of tossers.

Not you @Italiangreyhound - we x-posted