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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH being U expecting sex?

208 replies

Millyay · 13/12/2020 22:04

I worked late today, finishing at 8.15pm. I'm a commercial cleaner for a large building so it's a physically demanding and tiring job.

I got home at 9pm and rushed my dinner so I could shower and go to bed reasonably early as I have to be up first thing for the nursery run.

When DH asked how my shift was I said " yeah good, although my TMD (chronic pain) is flaring up"

Well no sooner had I said that he suddenly went quiet, like I'd pissed on his cornflakes.

I figured I knew why, because he was hoping for sex.

Sure enough as I'm getting up off the sofa he playfully gropes my bum (that's his indicator, I know!)

With all of this in mind, AIBU to think he's a CF for expecting sex tonight?

OP posts:
XiCi · 13/12/2020 22:32

I would absolutely hate that. Knowing the expectation is there every, single night whether you wanted to or not and then the inevitable sulking. Sounds relentless.
How long have you been together? Has he always been like this?

OkPedro · 13/12/2020 22:34

In your op you don’t mention having sex you don’t want just to keep him happy. That changes everything

CrotchBurn · 13/12/2020 22:35

I'm really struggling to understand why people are being so understanding towards him/encouraging OP to self reflect and analyse.

She got home at 9.
She has to be up early tomorrow.
She does physical work.
She is in chronic pain and has told him this.
She had sex with him yesterday.
Instead of giving her a cuddle or a back rub, he gropes her and she knows tonight he will want sex and when rejected act hurt, adding to her mental load

Pluckedpencil · 13/12/2020 22:36

It sounds boring as hell to me too, knowing you have to do it every night without fail. I'd find that a massive turn off. What happened to seduction?

QuietlyExcited · 13/12/2020 22:40

These idiots don't realise that the more they pester the less you want sex with them. And groping your bum when you're in pain and knackered from work is supposed to turn you on is it? How about he makes some fucking effort, like run you a bath, cook a meal, massage your shoulders. Nobody fancies a sex pest.

thosetalesofunexpected · 13/12/2020 22:40

Hi Op
Your husband sounds like he is being emotionally manipulative in a sly way,
When you are exhaused from work/or feel like crap cause your back is playing up or something he needs to respect that, otherwise it quite off putting to say the least,

Just cause you are his wife you are not a sex robort or Blow up doll there purely to satisfy his endless sexual urges at a grope here or there..
Glad I don't have to put up with this kind of crap...

Original poster
Millyay · 13/12/2020 22:41

I do fancy him and find him attractive, I just find the hypersexuality unattractive if you see what I mean.

There is an expectation on his part that sex takes priority, even if it's not convenient. Sometimes it just isn't convenient and he needs to be ok with that.

For example he does shift rotation and when he's on nights he wants me to come and wake him up at like 6.30pm so we can have sex before he goes to work, it doesn't matter that the children are still awake or even if my mother is here. All he sees is a window of opportunity to have sex.

I have so many examples I would be here all night but I'm going to sleep now. I'll check back tomorrow. Thank you.

OP posts:
Ltdannygreen · 13/12/2020 22:42

@Millyay

It's not sex that bores me it's the expectation of it, regardless of how tired I am or how I'm feeling on any given day.

It bores me how he schedules it in so the expectation is there regardless of how tired I am or whether I have a headache or whatever.

I just want to come home, eat, shower and be able to relax before sleep without having to contend with him sulking because he has to go 24 hours without it.

We had sex last night, then two days in a row prior.

He's that sex obsessed he would have it regardless of how tired/ill/stressed he is. He doesn't grasp that it's not the same for everybody else.

Omg this.... this is like my DP, if he had a migraine and I said I’m in the mood he would still be up for it. I have a medical condition that regularly causes low libido among many other symptoms, so if I’ve had a shit day it tends to make an appearance. He also says things like ready for round two for the next night, I feel pressure someday because I know he will be trying it on and I’m not sure if I’m in the mood. I do feel a little bad that he’s not getting it very often, maybe once or twice a week if he’s lucky but I can’t help if I’m not in the mood.
thepeopleversuswork · 13/12/2020 22:42

CrotchBurn

Yeah I get that: of course she's entitled not to have sex if she doesn't want to: was trying to get to the bottom of whether she fundamentally doesn't want it with him or whether she doesn't want it because he's a sex pest. It seems more the latter in which case she needs to talk to him and set some ground rules.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 13/12/2020 22:45

He is BU, not you, but..

..just ignore the sulking. He is doing it because it works.

ancientgran · 13/12/2020 22:46

I don't think there is anything wrong with him wanting it. Maybe he needs to woo you a bit, would that help? He might need some hints.

Eckhart · 13/12/2020 22:48

He's so disrespectful of your needs, and yet he sulks when you don't meet his wants.

Ugh.

Lorw · 13/12/2020 22:49

It sounds like you aren’t sexually compatible.

He’s not unreasonable for wanting it every day and you’re not unreasonable for only wanting it a few times a week.

You need to stop having sex with him just to make him happy too, that will only create a bad relationship with sex. It is not okay that he sulks. That’s manipulative.

I suggest open communication and if that can’t be done and a compromise reached then part ways and find someone who matches you in terms of compatibility 😁

A sex doll or toy may be helpful in this situation - are you quite open to that?

JovialNickname · 13/12/2020 22:49

I just think you need to talk to him and explain properly how you feel! Your thread title says "is DH being U expecting sex" but he's not expecting sex. He didn't pester you, yes he playfully pinched your bottom but that's all. He might have been quiet for other reasons, or just felt that you needed some down time so shut up, like you wanted. If you feel he's being passive aggressive that would be one thing, but it doesn't sound like that, it just sounds like you're angry after a horrible day and want people to agree he's a CF. Your expectations are clearly mismatched but I don't agree he's automatically a bastard! Talk to him.

Winterbeach · 13/12/2020 22:57

I get it OP I really do. My partner is exactly the same.

All he talks about is bloody ‘the next round’, ‘when we get the next moment alone’ (which 99% of the time is bedtime), ‘I can’t help but get turned on when you’re laying next to me’, ‘I can’t wait for our ‘us’ time later’, ‘what time is friend leaving as I really want some snuggles off my woman’.

There’s no such thing as snuggles, there’s no such thing as having us time of just watching a good tv show in bed, there’s no time where he doesn’t end up dramatically turning over in bed when he realises he’s ‘not getting it’.

lemmein · 13/12/2020 22:58

@CrotchBurn

I'm really struggling to understand why people are being so understanding towards him/encouraging OP to self reflect and analyse.

She got home at 9.
She has to be up early tomorrow.
She does physical work.
She is in chronic pain and has told him this.
She had sex with him yesterday.
Instead of giving her a cuddle or a back rub, he gropes her and she knows tonight he will want sex and when rejected act hurt, adding to her mental load

This!

Can't believe some of the replies!

No, there's nothing wrong with wanting sex, there's nothing wrong with indicating you're up for it - there IS something wrong with expecting your sexual needs to be met by someone you're supposed to love who has already told you they're tired and in pain. My DH gets migraines, would I fuck be grabbing at him expecting sex when I know he's feeling shit. He's treating you like a hole - I'd put money on him being shit in bed too 🙄

YANBU Op!

wetasstenalady · 13/12/2020 22:59

I must be living in a parallel universe when people say having it twice a week isn't much

Eckhart · 13/12/2020 23:05

You need to stop having sex with him just to make him happy too, that will only create a bad relationship with sex. It is not okay that he sulks. That’s manipulative

This ^

And manipulating someone into sex is coercion

www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-is-sexual-coercion/

There's a lot of worrying responses here suggesting that his behaviour is acceptable or that other people are experiencing the same and so they normalise it. It's OK to have different sex drives. It's not OK to try to manipulate your partner into sex by sulking.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/12/2020 23:05

Well there’s quite a lot of drip feeding going on now. It’s not hypersexual to want to have sex with your partner or spouse most or every day. Doing it one night doesn’t make it unreasonable to do it again the next night. Plenty of people happily want sex when they’ve got a headache or backache.

You shouldn’t be having any sex you don’t want or feel bullied into. That’s not what you said in your OP. You’re suggesting he’s completely unreasonable got suggesting it at all. You finished work late but what time did you start? You could have been watching tv and filing your nails until 5 then done a shift and finished at 8:15. He’s not wrong to want to have sex with you, even on consecutive nights. But if you’re not happy with his behaviour, think he’s a sex pest or doesn’t care about you then talk to him or end the relationship.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/12/2020 23:07

“Adding to her mental load”, dear god Hmm

Jada1234 · 13/12/2020 23:08

I suffer from fibromyalgia I'm in pain alot. My now ex husband used to want sex when I felt ill He would grope me often and if I was in too much pain for sex he would tell me all night about what kind of woman I am not. I was his piece of meat. now I dont think I want anyone in my life again.

Emily15 · 13/12/2020 23:10

I’m not saying his actions are right at all, but calling him a sex pest is really unfair. I’ve been with an sex pest in the past, he wouldn’t let me sleep at times and didn’t ever leave me alone.
Try talking to him, a bit of communication goes a long way.

Wearywithteens · 13/12/2020 23:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Pyewhacket · 13/12/2020 23:16

@SarahAndQuack

You don't like sex with him. Why are you having it? Why does he want to have sex with someone who doesn't want sex with him?
You find it unreasonable for a man to want to sleep with his wife ?
Bubblemonkey · 13/12/2020 23:17

Don’t ask, u don’t get 😂