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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH being U expecting sex?

208 replies

Millyay · 13/12/2020 22:04

I worked late today, finishing at 8.15pm. I'm a commercial cleaner for a large building so it's a physically demanding and tiring job.

I got home at 9pm and rushed my dinner so I could shower and go to bed reasonably early as I have to be up first thing for the nursery run.

When DH asked how my shift was I said " yeah good, although my TMD (chronic pain) is flaring up"

Well no sooner had I said that he suddenly went quiet, like I'd pissed on his cornflakes.

I figured I knew why, because he was hoping for sex.

Sure enough as I'm getting up off the sofa he playfully gropes my bum (that's his indicator, I know!)

With all of this in mind, AIBU to think he's a CF for expecting sex tonight?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 14/12/2020 09:36

@Millyay

DC are three and almost 2.

I wouldn't be comfortable with 50/50 custody personally, not least because when he was having an affair he was using them to facilitate it.

I could approach SS myself but that may result in me being assessed for the third time and the process was so stressful I just can't handle it yet.

The alternative is you keep lying there being fucked whilst you contemplate the line between compliance, coercion and rape / him cheating on you bringing god knows what sti; baby home caused mg another mental breakdown

Of he's not willing to stop, you're going to end up on a worse place mentally and that will be even worse on the kids.

Are you using protection?

I really do think you need to have a conversation with someone OP and you need to be searingly honest about his behaviour

Emeraldshamrock · 14/12/2020 09:37

Given your update he most likely is the cause of your MH issues or at least someone who takes advantage of it.
Contact womens aid for advice, keep a log of any correspondence times date for the future until then refuse him see him as a petty bully he is.

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 09:39

@Emily15
If you coerce your partner and harangue them for sex they don't want using the threat of cheating if they don't put out even when tired and in pain then yeah you're a sex pest
If you don't do that then you aren't the same as the man in the OP are you?

Original poster
Millyay · 14/12/2020 09:39

Are you using protection?

I'm on contraception now.

He won't wear condoms for his own selfish reasons. I was pregnant for the third time last Christmas when he left in the middle of the night for OW. I didn't know it at the time until I started to miscarry. I attribute that to the stress I was under but honestly, it was a blessing in disguise. I could never have more children.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 14/12/2020 09:39

@Emeraldshamrock

Don't approach SS. Refuse him if ot is how you feel you've every right. Let him have his affair if necessary build yourselves up think long-term with the DC. I rarely call abuse on threads it seems he is aware he has control over you. It's a shame SS have trapped you here for your MH issues. ❤
SS haven't trapped her here. No one has told her "even if you're being abused, if you dump him we'll take your kids".

And how is use supposed to build herself up with him disappearing randomly in the night to fuck other women then coming back and basically blaming her and knowing that he'll keep fucking all and sundry until she concedes??

Emily15 · 14/12/2020 09:43

[quote CodenameVillanelle]@Emily15
If you coerce your partner and harangue them for sex they don't want using the threat of cheating if they don't put out even when tired and in pain then yeah you're a sex pest
If you don't do that then you aren't the same as the man in the OP are you?[/quote]
Why are you commenting on my previous comments? I was replying to somebody saying that all men was sex pests. I’ve already cleared that up.

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 09:43

I'm glad to see that @Emily15 has now seen what other posters saw from the first post/s which is that this man is abusive and doesn't just fancy his wife a lot. Perhaps next time Emily you could try not projecting your own situation onto an OP and reacting so defensively? People were not talking about you and your relationship, so there is no need to defend the OP's husband quite so strongly as if they were.

Original poster
Millyay · 14/12/2020 09:44

SS haven't trapped her here

I do feel like they have, inadvertently.

They made it clear that they were only discharging us because we had DH living here, that to me translated as "we wouldn't let you keep them by yourself" and that was before my MH plummeted to where it is at now.

At the point of that assessment concluding I was in a pretty good place so if they weren't confident in my ability to parent alone then, they certainly won't be now.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 09:45

I responded to your previous comment because that's as far as I read and I felt like responding.

timeforanewstart · 14/12/2020 09:45

@wetasstenalady Glad its not just me as I was thinking the same

SleepingStandingUp · 14/12/2020 09:46

@Millyay

Are you using protection?

I'm on contraception now.

He won't wear condoms for his own selfish reasons. I was pregnant for the third time last Christmas when he left in the middle of the night for OW. I didn't know it at the time until I started to miscarry. I attribute that to the stress I was under but honestly, it was a blessing in disguise. I could never have more children.

You need to be having regular STI tests at the very least OP.

What's your experience with the HV team? Could you speak to them for advice?

Emily15 · 14/12/2020 09:48

@CodenameVillanelle

I'm glad to see that *@Emily15* has now seen what other posters saw from the first post/s which is that this man is abusive and doesn't just fancy his wife a lot. Perhaps next time Emily you could try not projecting your own situation onto an OP and reacting so defensively? People were not talking about you and your relationship, so there is no need to defend the OP's husband quite so strongly as if they were.
I wasn’t being defensive. I already admitted that I hadn’t read the comments and posts properly. But again, my comments wernt aimed at OP. They were aimed at somebody calling all men sex pests but I now see it wasn’t the place to say that. But why carry it on? No wonder so many people don’t admit mistakes. I’m not perfect, no one is. If I could delete my comments I would.
Original poster
Millyay · 14/12/2020 09:48

For the purpose of transparency I have diagnoses of post traumatic stress disorder, generalised anxiety disorder with panic attacks and I also have fluctuating depression.

I have been abused in one way or another for my whole life, this is just the latest dose of ill treatment dolled out by a man I'm supposed to trust.

OP posts:
Emily15 · 14/12/2020 09:49

@CodenameVillanelle

I responded to your previous comment because that's as far as I read and I felt like responding.
Maybe then you should carry on reading and see that I had realised my mistake rather than jumping on me?
Original poster
Millyay · 14/12/2020 09:49

I haven't seen my HV for dust since my youngest was a couple of months old unfortunately, prior to that i barely saw her during my first child's early months.

I don't have a relationship with her where I would feel able to go to her with all of this.

OP posts:
Koffeekake · 14/12/2020 09:50

Can you speak to women's aid for advice? I dont know much about SS but surely they can't keep you in an abusive relationship.
You need to stop having sex with this arsehole, no matter how much he sulks or makes you feel guilty. Let him find it else where, you deserve better than him

Original poster
Millyay · 14/12/2020 09:54

Talking of the HV though that has reminded me..

I was really struggling after the birth of DC2 and I did confide in her about that, I said I was spending my days on edge and was really scared. All she said was to speak to my GP.

I spoke to my GP and they reluctantly prescribed sertraline but I had a horrendous reaction to it so I had to stop.

I then self referred for therapy and had a 6 month course of that which gradually helped me, then he had another affair and everything went to shit again.

He is definitely a huge contributor to my MH but I feel trapped into staying.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 09:55

@Millyay

For the purpose of transparency I have diagnoses of post traumatic stress disorder, generalised anxiety disorder with panic attacks and I also have fluctuating depression.

I have been abused in one way or another for my whole life, this is just the latest dose of ill treatment dolled out by a man I'm supposed to trust.

Do you have any decent family? Anyone who could support if you left him? Have you ever spoken to a DA support service about him?
Original poster
Millyay · 14/12/2020 09:56

I will consider speaking to women's aid, thank you for the push.

OP posts:
CrotchBurn · 14/12/2020 09:57

OP can I recommend you ask Mumsnet to move this thread to Relationships?

What started as a post about a gropey husband has led to you revealing that you are basically in a deeply abusive relationship. You need support from women who can advise you on where to go from here, and you will find that in the Relationships section

Eckhart · 14/12/2020 09:57

I then self referred for therapy and had a 6 month course of that which gradually helped me, then he had another affair and everything went to shit again

So, put plainly, therapy helps you, and he hinders you.

It's great that therapy helped, because that means there's a path forward. You can feel better. You can get out of this.

Original poster
Millyay · 14/12/2020 10:01

No family who can do much for me no.

One relative thinks he's marvellous regardless of the infidelity "because he provides well and 'helps' with the children"

As there's two sides to every story I'm sure he'd tell you I'm difficult to live with because I get upset easily, have bad days where things are a struggle and barely want sex. What he wouldn't tell you though is we had a wonderful relationship before he began cheating.

Regular date nights. Trips away. We laughed alot and loved each others company. I supported him alot through various trials and tribulations. We had a shared small circle of friends (who don't want anything to do with us anymore because they don't approve of his cheating or me staying with him)

The relationship turned to shit because of his cheating, he didn't cheat because it turned to shit.

Turns out he's a serial philanderer and would cheat regardless. I'm not the first person he has done it to.

OP posts:
Koffeekake · 14/12/2020 10:01

Youre strong OP and you deserve happiness

thepeopleversuswork · 14/12/2020 10:04

They made it clear that they were only discharging us because we had DH living here, that to me translated as "we wouldn't let you keep them by yourself" and that was before my MH plummeted to where it is at now.

Are you sure OP that they discharged you purely on this basis? It sounds unlikely to me that someone with MH problems and a history of abusive relationships would be discharged simply on the basis that they were in a new relationship.

Surely it is more to do with the fact that they were satisfied your MH had improved sufficiently that they considered you a competent parent?

I wouldn't talk to SS but I'd speak to your GP and to Women's Aid.

Original poster
Millyay · 14/12/2020 10:04

I think therapy only helped at the time because during that point everything was calm at home and I had the support with the children.

I would struggle to get through another nervous breakdown as a single parent.

OP posts: