Page 4 | Is DH being U expecting sex?

Millyay · 2020-12-13T22:04:19+00:00

I worked late today, finishing at 8.15pm. I'm a commercial cleaner for a large building so it's a physically demanding and tiring job. I got home at 9pm and rushed my dinner so I could shower and go to bed reasonably early as I have to be up first thing for the nursery run. When DH asked how my shift was I said " yeah good, although my TMD (chronic pain) is flaring up" Well no sooner had I said that he suddenly went quiet, like I'd pissed on his cornflakes. I figured I knew why, because he was hoping for sex. Sure enough as I'm getting up off the sofa he playfully gropes my bum (that's his indicator, I know!) With all of this in mind, AIBU to think he's a CF for expecting sex tonight?

StamfordHill · 14/12/2020 04:32

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berrygirlie · 14/12/2020 04:50

@stamfordhill Right yes, except I'm not going to sulk or coerce my partner into making me a cup of tea. I'm not owed a cup of tea by anyone. If I wanted a hot beverage I could have a cup of coffee and wait until my partner was willing to make me some tea.

CoalCraft · 14/12/2020 04:55

Unless I'm missing something here, he didn't even directly am for sex? He looked sad when you said you were in a pain, and later touched your bum. The bum-touching could be out of order if you've told him before not to do it, but for the most part is pretty normal behaviour in a married couple. You don't mention any sort of complaint or protest from hin when you refused.

To me it sounds like he didn't expect sex, he just wanted it and hoped for it, and you're pissed off at him just for wanting it. That's pretty unreasonable of you, I'd say - sex is a normal human drive and it's normal to want it.

You say that him wanting sex bores you... He is unlikely to wake up chaste one day so maybe it's time to consider whether you are compatible as a couple. I also think you have a communication problem. It sounds like he never actually voiced a request for sex, and you don't mention voicing a refusal. Why are you both dancing around with signs and whatnot? You could both be completely misinterpreting each other.

berrygirlie · 14/12/2020 04:57

Alternatively in fact, imagine you spent every night making your husband a cup of tea and then when you continued to spend the rest of your day working and got home, you were expected to make him even more cups of tea even if you didn't want to and were shattered. And then when you said no, imagine if because you had not made him tea, he got sulky about it as though tea was his divine right. And THEN, people on the internet tell you "You should have just made him tea, it would have been easier".

Yeahnahmum · 14/12/2020 05:05

Tell him to use his hands.
Yuck he sounds like a pest/sex addict

BrandyandDeath · 14/12/2020 05:15

For example he does shift rotation and when he's on nights he wants me to come and wake him up at like 6.30pm so we can have sex before he goes to work, it doesn't matter that the children are still awake or even if my mother is here. All he sees is a window of opportunity to have sex.

What a fucking creep.

Iwonder08 · 14/12/2020 06:03

Ffs, it is not creepy for a husband to want to have sex with his wife every day. It is also not unusual to look forward to it. The fact that he touched her bottom after she told him she is tired(not explicitly told him she is not in the mood for sex) is not abuse. Why isn't he allowed to indicate he wants sex?
OP, instead of complaining how bored you are of your husband finding you desirable on daily basis, have you told him about your idea of comfortable sex frequency and good/bad timing in general? Is he fully aware you don't want sex after long tiring shift? You know some people find themselves more relaxed after sex, he might think you will feel better after..
He is not pestering you, not getting aggressive if you turn him down, he just gets ' a bit sorry for himself'.. Well, it is not pleasant to be turned down when you are in the mood. If he knows beforehand that after a long shift he is not going to have sex nobody will be upset and you won't feel annoyed

CrotchBurn · 14/12/2020 06:15

@AnneLovesGilbert
Yeah, I'm sorry you've been brainwashed, but three quarters of the women on this thread believe it's entirely reasonable to not want to be treated like a hole.

People have sex to unwind and relieve pain? The OP is not "people". She has said how she wanted to deal with her stress and pain and that was to have her dinner, have a shower, and go to bed early.

Yes, sulking and guilt tripping is adding to a woman's mental load when shes been working all day, has an early morning the next day, and rather than be able to snuggle up in her bed and get a good night's sleep shes worrying about "Tom" and how put out he is and how guilty she feels (she has already said this makes her feel bad)

CrotchBurn · 14/12/2020 06:16

@StamfordHill
Jesus wept. Have you heard of "wanking"?

Sarahandduck18 · 14/12/2020 06:17

This is a communication issue as much as a sex issue.

There also seems to be a basic incompatibility of sex drives.

He also seems to have a possible addiction- not in wanting it daily but things like when his mum is there is an indicator of compulsive behaviour.

Sex is a priority for him but not for the op. This could be a relationship dealbreaker.

Maybe a therapist could help?

Emily15 · 14/12/2020 06:26

@yelyah22

There's two things going on in this thread...

OP is not obliged to have sex if she doesn't feel like it and her husband shouldn't be sulking, that's grim and manipulative and he needs a big old conversation about how gross it is that he is creating an atmosphere, especially when OP doesn't want sex because she's in pain.

Wanting to have sex regularly (even - gasp! Daily!) is not 'grubby' or 'immature', and I hate hate hate the competitive bollocks on Mumsnet of "My husband wouldn't even dare give me the eye unless it was his birthday he knows I find all expectation or interest in sex repulsive". It is NORMAL in a relationship where you haven't discussed otherwise to expect that you will have sex sometimes. It is not abnormal for that sometimes to be daily. Yes there is an issue if one person doesn't want to have sex that regularly but can we please stop pretending that only men want regular sex and only because they're filthy perverts who just want 'a warm body' (according to a PP) and not because it's a fucking normal human thing to do with your partner and part of intimacy?

This! Hit the nail on the head. I can confirm that it definitely isn’t just men who want it daily! I was in a relationship in the past where I wanted it daily, and he didn’t. Whilst I didn’t sulk, I felt incredibly frustrated. It wasn’t because I wanted sex as such, it was the intimacy, the closeness. Sex with your partner is something that it exclusive to you and him only. I’m now with my husband, whose sex drive matches mine.

flaviaritt · 14/12/2020 06:46

Your husband needs to have more consideration and start reading your signals better. You’re tired and in pain - of course you’re not after sex. Tell him to leave it to you to initiate for a bit, so he can get a better sense of your actual sex drive.

flaviaritt · 14/12/2020 06:50

StamfordHill

Are you comparing the OP’s control over her own body to her being possessive over tea-making? Suggesting it’s unfair on her husband that he completely voluntarily signed up to a monogamous relationship where the other person is not, in fact, a wank sock? Well it’s not. If he doesn’t want to have a relationship with another human being with preferences and bodily autonomy, he doesn’t have to, does he?

OhWhyNot · 14/12/2020 07:31

He is absolutely being unreasonable

Why can he not pick up the signals of I’m not in the mood tonight

It’s quite obvious

LilyLongJohn · 14/12/2020 07:34

He's nbu to want sex, even to offer it, in his clumsy arse groping way, if he likes sex and will do it even when knackered he won't really understand why being tired would stop you. But, and it's a big, deal breaker but for me, the sulking is not on. My dh has a higher sex drive than me, but if I don't want to, then life goes on as normal, he never sulks or pesters. No means no, and that doesn't mean he sulks or moans. This would be a massive issue for me.

flaviaritt · 14/12/2020 07:37

if he likes sex and will do it even when knackered he won't really understand why being tired would stop you.

But once he’s been told, why can’t he then understand? Is he an idiot?

RosesforMama · 14/12/2020 07:46

I get this. It's really hard to understand if you haven't been there. It's the shadow of the expectation that hangs over one. Expectation is incredibly pressurising and unsexy. It turns sex into a chore that is expected of a person.

On the other hand I get that it would also be awful if my dh totally stopped wanting me and didn't fancy me. And if he never initiated our relationship would suffer from lack of intimacy because I almost never initiate these days.

It's a problem I have struggled with for many years (have been with dh 35 years).

Eckhart · 14/12/2020 08:05

It's really hard to understand if you haven't been there

Your explanation of why it's hard looks like how girls can feel as teenagers, with the pressure to lose their virginity. It doesn't look like a picture of a respectful loving marriage, where no means no, and if the 'no' is likely to be hurtful, it's said with kindness and reassurance, and is met with love and understanding.

It doesn't seem hard to understand to me - it looks like 2 people being very aware of a problem within their relationship, and both refusing to deal with it.

Emily15 · 14/12/2020 08:09

I have been with a sex pest. My ex- father of my 3 children. He wouldn’t even let me sleep if I didn’t give in. He would go on about it all the time. THAT is a sex pest. A man (or woman) who sulks when they’re disappointed is not a sex pest! It suggests there are maybe deeper issues involved.

Some of you are clearly man-haters. And that is fair enough, that’s your opinion. But someone is asking for advice. The answer shouldn’t be that her husband is a “sex pest” or that he is just seeing her as a “hole”.
The answer should be that she needs to communicate with him. Properly. And if he doesn’t listen and he carries on, THEN think about the future with him.
Man haters should NOT respond to posts like these!

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 08:17

What the hell happened to mumsnet? It used to be a fairly feminist place
OP YANBU not to want to be coerced into sex you don't want. That's all that needs to be said.

Eckhart · 14/12/2020 08:22

He's making a pest out of himself by trying to manipulate sex out of OP, even when she feels poorly, @Emily15. He doesn't care about how she feels when he's doing this.

I'm sorry you had that experience, it sounds horrible. Other people have different experiences of being repeatedly harassed for sex and they are equally valid. Minimising these experiences because you had something different and more severe happen to you is not helpful. Your ex may have the gold medal in the sex pest category, but that doesn't mean that others can't get silver or bronze, and need to be dealt with.

I fully agree with you that OP needs to communicate properly with him, though. That said, if he was listening in the first place and cared about her feelings, she wouldn't be posting on MN about it.

Original poster

Millyay · 14/12/2020 08:25

He also seems to have a possible addiction- not in wanting it daily but things like when his mum is there is an indicator of compulsive behaviour

My thoughts exactly.

Of course people enjoy sex and aren't unreasonable to fancy it on a daily basis, but you have to be sensible about it.

Leaving small children in front of the television to slope off for a bunk up isn't right, nor is placating a visiting mother with a cup of tea so you can slope off and have sex whilst she's visiting.

I could understand his frustration if we went months without but we don't and never have.

The longest he has to wait is 5ish days when I'm on my period once a month.

In the run up to my period starting he wants even more than usual to tide him over as he knows he won't be getting it for days.

I don't want to drip feed any more but there are plenty of things which indicate to me that he has an unhealthy compulsion for sex, because sex takes priority for him over me and our family.

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 08:25

@Emily15

I have been with a sex pest. My ex- father of my 3 children. He wouldn’t even let me sleep if I didn’t give in. He would go on about it all the time. THAT is a sex pest. A man (or woman) who sulks when they’re disappointed is not a sex pest! It suggests there are maybe deeper issues involved.

Some of you are clearly man-haters. And that is fair enough, that’s your opinion. But someone is asking for advice. The answer shouldn’t be that her husband is a “sex pest” or that he is just seeing her as a “hole”.
The answer should be that she needs to communicate with him. Properly. And if he doesn’t listen and he carries on, THEN think about the future with him.
Man haters should NOT respond to posts like these!

I'm sorry you have experienced a level 10 abuser. That doesn't mean the OP's level 4 abuser isn't an abuser.

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 08:26

@Millyay

He also seems to have a possible addiction- not in wanting it daily but things like when his mum is there is an indicator of compulsive behaviour

My thoughts exactly.

Of course people enjoy sex and aren't unreasonable to fancy it on a daily basis, but you have to be sensible about it.

Leaving small children in front of the television to slope off for a bunk up isn't right, nor is placating a visiting mother with a cup of tea so you can slope off and have sex whilst she's visiting.

I could understand his frustration if we went months without but we don't and never have.

The longest he has to wait is 5ish days when I'm on my period once a month.

In the run up to my period starting he wants even more than usual to tide him over as he knows he won't be getting it for days.

I don't want to drip feed any more but there are plenty of things which indicate to me that he has an unhealthy compulsion for sex, because sex takes priority for him over me and our family.

What are you going to do about the situation?

Original poster

Millyay · 14/12/2020 08:27

When I don't want sex I go along with it anyway because the past has shown me that he's only too happy to abandon me and the kids when somebody else comes on to his radar.

Like I said, I don't want to drip feed but I need to get across just how far his sex obsession goes.

It is everything to him.

Much like somebody may say that about their children "they are my everything" well that's how he sees sex.

OP posts: