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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH being U expecting sex?

208 replies

Millyay · 13/12/2020 22:04

I worked late today, finishing at 8.15pm. I'm a commercial cleaner for a large building so it's a physically demanding and tiring job.

I got home at 9pm and rushed my dinner so I could shower and go to bed reasonably early as I have to be up first thing for the nursery run.

When DH asked how my shift was I said " yeah good, although my TMD (chronic pain) is flaring up"

Well no sooner had I said that he suddenly went quiet, like I'd pissed on his cornflakes.

I figured I knew why, because he was hoping for sex.

Sure enough as I'm getting up off the sofa he playfully gropes my bum (that's his indicator, I know!)

With all of this in mind, AIBU to think he's a CF for expecting sex tonight?

OP posts:
Lockheart · 14/12/2020 08:30

OP you are massively drip feeding and this is clearly a very different situation than you presented in your OP.

Why do you stay in this relationship?

Eckhart · 14/12/2020 08:31

In the run up to my period starting he wants even more than usual to tide him over as he knows he won't be getting it for days

This alone shows that you are fueling an addiction, OP, because it proves he doesn't think he can manage without it. I think you should dismiss the sulking, say no unless you really fancy it, and suggest he attends counselling if it causes an on going problem (which it probably will)

There's enough disrespect for your feelings and needs, though, that you might be looking at the end of your relationship.

Original poster
Millyay · 14/12/2020 08:32

What are you going to do about the situation?

I don't know. It's not as easy as LTB.

OP posts:
TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 14/12/2020 08:33

YANBU you literally told him that you were in pain/your medical condition was flaring up after being at work for hours and he still expected sex. No wonder you’re fed up with it.

Eckhart · 14/12/2020 08:33

When I don't want sex I go along with it anyway because the past has shown me that he's only too happy to abandon me and the kids when somebody else comes on to his radar

WOAH WOAH WOAH! Dismiss what I just posted!!

You need to leave him. What is making you stay?

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 08:33

@Millyay

What are you going to do about the situation?

I don't know. It's not as easy as LTB.

So he's cheated on you? Why isn't it as easy as LTB?
Emily15 · 14/12/2020 08:39

@CodenameVillanelle

What the hell happened to mumsnet? It used to be a fairly feminist place Hmm OP YANBU not to want to be coerced into sex you don't want. That's all that needs to be said.
Feminism.. I’m all for women’s rights. What I am not for is ALL men being tarred with the same brush. True feminists do not do this.

Someone said further up that men just “want to ejaculate in to a warm body” and are “immature. That is disgusting. Granted, there are men out there that do this. But there are also women who do this!

I like to have sex everyday and I know many women that do. Does this make me “immature” and a potential sex pest?

Personally, I think that life is too short not to enjoy one of life’s natural pleasures, and equally, life is too short to be stressing about sex and feeling pressured or coerced in to it, if you’re not that in to it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with either!

Original poster
Millyay · 14/12/2020 08:40

It's not as easy as leaving because I have MH problems and he is viewed as a protective factor by SS.

They're no longer involved but made it very clear when they was that they're only happy to discharge because DH is on the scene who has no MH problems and contributes alot to caring for them.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 14/12/2020 08:40

Amazing how many people seem to think that the husband's desire to have sex outweighs the op's right to body autonomy.

It is disgusting for anyone to want to have sex with someone who isn't a willing partner.

Emily15 · 14/12/2020 08:43

OP if he is genuinely making you feel that you’re being pressured and you go along with it incase he leaves you, then please leave him. I’ve been in this situation, it doesn’t get better.

Eckhart · 14/12/2020 08:48

@Emily15

I like to have sex everyday and I know many women that do. Does this make me “immature” and a potential sex pest

If you think that the 'wanting sex every day' is the issue here, you really don't get it.

Emily15 · 14/12/2020 08:51

Eckhart. Please do explain then.

Stompythedinosaur · 14/12/2020 08:51

@Emily15 big difference between wanted sex every day and trampling over your partner's rights over their own body.

I'm guessing you like sex every day with a consenting partner not a coerced one.

CrotchBurn · 14/12/2020 08:57

@Emily15
Could you please stop and read the OP's updates instead of desperately rushing to convey how wonderfully sexual you are?

OP: so basically he has cheated on you before thereby I assume contributing to the MH problems you have that now mean you cant leave him?

This is terrible. It's basically like hes made you a sex slave in a way

Eckhart · 14/12/2020 08:59

@Emily15

OP has said that she is being coerced by a sulking partner into doing something she doesn't want to do on a regular basis, and if she doesn't do it, he will simply abandon her and the kids in order to go and be unfaithful to her. She is feeling that she has to put up with this because she has MH difficulties.

Do you not see an issue here? It doesn't even have to be that it is sex. If he was using this kind of manipulation to take her money or anything else it would be abusive. The fact that it is sex makes it worse, but him wanting to have sex is far from the only issue here.

It's not the 'him wanting sex' that's the issue, it's the 'him manipulating OP into feeling she can't say no'.

Do you really not understand the difference? If not, I would tend to be worried for you, in the same way I'm worried about OP. Where are the boundaries?

Emily15 · 14/12/2020 08:59

Yes I understand that. As I said earlier, i have been in an abusive relationship where I was coerced in to all sorts.
However, my comment that you quoted was not regarding OPs situation. It was regarding what someone said further up about men who want sex everyday being immature.

Eckhart · 14/12/2020 09:01

@Millyay

What support do you have for your MH issues, currently? Do you have friends/family? Do you have any professionals involved?

Does anybody in real life know about this sex issue with your partner?

Koffeekake · 14/12/2020 09:01

If you told him how much his expectation of sex and his constant pawing at you turns you off, would he listen and change his actions?
If not OP, I really think you should consider ending this. I understand its not easy and have seen your post about SS but your husbands actions regarding sex won't be good for your mental and emotional health.

Emily15 · 14/12/2020 09:02

[quote Eckhart]@Emily15

OP has said that she is being coerced by a sulking partner into doing something she doesn't want to do on a regular basis, and if she doesn't do it, he will simply abandon her and the kids in order to go and be unfaithful to her. She is feeling that she has to put up with this because she has MH difficulties.

Do you not see an issue here? It doesn't even have to be that it is sex. If he was using this kind of manipulation to take her money or anything else it would be abusive. The fact that it is sex makes it worse, but him wanting to have sex is far from the only issue here.

It's not the 'him wanting sex' that's the issue, it's the 'him manipulating OP into feeling she can't say no'.

Do you really not understand the difference? If not, I would tend to be worried for you, in the same way I'm worried about OP. Where are the boundaries?[/quote]
Please read my latest comment.
My ex- father of my 3 children was very abusive. Including sexually. I have given OP my opinion on men like that.
Yes I am happy with how sexual I am, considering it took me a long time to be after the abuse. What’s wrong with that?

Again, my comment was regarding other women’s comments about men wanting sex everyday being immature.

Eckhart · 14/12/2020 09:04

However, my comment that you quoted was not regarding OPs situation. It was regarding what someone said further up about men who want sex everyday being immature

That was not my understanding, so I'm glad we've got it cleared up for OP's sake. It would be crap if there were any more people on the thread making out to her that her situation isn't really a problem!

Emily15 · 14/12/2020 09:05

OP- what is your partner like in other areas of life? If he is an abusive person, please be careful and get help from other to leave him.
If he isn’t abusive in other ways, as I said earlier, talk to him. Communicative. He may not be fully aware of his toxic behaviour.

Hunnihun2 · 14/12/2020 09:07

@Millyay

It's not as easy as leaving because I have MH problems and he is viewed as a protective factor by SS.

They're no longer involved but made it very clear when they was that they're only happy to discharge because DH is on the scene who has no MH problems and contributes alot to caring for them.

There’s 2 different issues here.

__ They're no longer involved but made it very clear when they was that they're only happy to discharge because DH is on the scene who has no MH problems and contributes alot to caring for them.

You also stated that he bores you.

I think if you have not spoken to your DH and said you enjoy having sex but your not willing to do it everyday and you would much prefer twice a week or whatever it may be your in the wrong.

Do you actually want to be with him? It’s confusing.

Eckhart · 14/12/2020 09:11

He may not be fully aware of his toxic behaviour

Good lord. OP has clearly stated that if she won't have sex with him, he'll abandon her and go fuck someone else. If he's not aware he's doing wrong by her at this level, it's not her job to re-educate him.

Original poster
Millyay · 14/12/2020 09:12

OP: so basically he has cheated on you before thereby I assume contributing to the MH problems you have that now mean you cant leave him?

Pretty much yes.

I had low level MH problems when I met him because of trauma in my past. SS were involved during my pregnancy because of that. We were discharged on the basis DH is present, very involved and a protective factor. They made that very clear.

As soon as SS are out of the picture I discover he had cheated which makes my MH nosedive, I recover somewhat from that and then he does it again. Cue total nervous breakdown where I can't look after myself sufficiently let alone my children.

I have limited outside support, the extent of that being my DM but she is elderly and disabled so can't provide much.

No RL friends.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 14/12/2020 09:12

I think he is being unreasonable TBH. You have pain and have been on a cleaning shift! Have a young family and are knackered! Maybe its time to tell him its quality not quantity FFS!