Is DH being U expecting sex?

[Millyay]

I worked late today, finishing at 8.15pm. I'm a commercial cleaner for a large building so it's a physically demanding and tiring job.

I got home at 9pm and rushed my dinner so I could shower and go to bed reasonably early as I have to be up first thing for the nursery run.

When DH asked how my shift was I said " yeah good, although my TMD (chronic pain) is flaring up"

Well no sooner had I said that he suddenly went quiet, like I'd pissed on his cornflakes.

I figured I knew why, because he was hoping for sex.

Sure enough as I'm getting up off the sofa he playfully gropes my bum (that's his indicator, I know!)

With all of this in mind, AIBU to think he's a CF for expecting sex tonight?

@Emily15

OP- what is your partner like in other areas of life? If he is an abusive person, please be careful and get help from other to leave him. If he isn’t abusive in other ways, as I said earlier, talk to him. Communicative. He may not be fully aware of his toxic behaviour.

He's great with the children and supports me alot, but sex and his obsession with it to the extent that he's prepared to cheat to get it is the problem.

@Eckhart

He may not be fully aware of his toxic behaviour

Good lord. OP has clearly stated that if she won't have sex with him, he'll abandon her and go fuck someone else. If he's not aware he's doing wrong by her at this level, it's not her job to re-educate him.

I didn’t see her post that when I posted my comment. In that case, she needs to leave. To be fair, the impression she gave in the first post just made out he got a bit sulky. Not that he was threatening to leave her. I withdraw my statement about not knowing his toxic behaviour. He sounds like a compete abusive twat.

@Millyay

When I don't want sex I go along with it anyway because the past has shown me that he's only too happy to abandon me and the kids when somebody else comes on to his radar.

Like I said, I don't want to drip feed but I need to get across just how far his sex obsession goes.

It is everything to him.

Much like somebody may say that about their children "they are my everything" well that's how he sees sex.

So you have to lie back and be fucked else he'll go and find someone else to fuck?

So many people normalising slime- bally, sex pest behaviour. OP, I would be looking to get out of this relationship. You're tired and feel unwell and he's harrassing you for sex and then sullking if you say no. Urghh.

Would you be willing to separate from him and go to court to gain 50/50 custody of your children?
Staying in this relationship will only continue to negatively affect your mental health and this will not only impact your but also your children

OP- this is what I thought my ex partner was.. he made me feel as if he did support me and was great with the kids. He wasn’t supportive.
He’s making you think you need him, esp with your MH difficulties. Threatening to cheat isn’t supportive. I know it isn’t as easy as leaving him, especially when kids are involved, but please tell somebody to get the help needed xx

It sounds like you need support, OP. It sounds like you're in a really hard situation to deal with.

Do you accept that you're in an abusive relationship?

Such a catch 22 - you will be much happier away from him because the threat of him going elsewhere is a killer. However, getting the emotional and mental support to leave is hard because I'm sure he likes you isolated and dependent.

OP that sounds awful. So sorry.

With respect, though, on this paragraph:

*We were discharged on the basis DH is present, very involved and a protective factor. They made that very clear.

As soon as SS are out of the picture I discover he had cheated which makes my MH nosedive, I recover somewhat from that and then he does it again. Cue total nervous breakdown where I can't look after myself sufficiently let alone my children.*

I don't know the ins and outs of your situation but I would doubt you were discharged explicitly because your DH was in the picture. I would assume you were discharged because your mental health had improved, in part because you felt you had support through your DH. Not simply because there is a DH on the scene.

Social services are adept at identifying when a parent does or doesn't have sufficient mental and emotional competence but that will be the benchmark, not whether or not there is a partner on the scene. The partner is a positive force only if he is supportive. If he's not supportive to you then he is a negative influence. SS would not want you to remain in a coercive relationship.

You seem to be concluding that your DH is necessary to preserve your mental heath and that SS will withdraw support if you split. In part because presumably he has conditioned you to think this.

When in fact the reverse is true: his cheating has actually triggered a breakdown.

You sound as if your MH is fragile so its understandable you've leant on him but in fact he is the opposite of supportive for your MH: he's cheated on you and is using the threat of cheating again to guarantee sex more or less on tap.

I think you need to get some MH support from someone who is not your DH in place urgently as a first step. Can you get referred to a counsellor by your GP?

Op how old are the kids? How long since the breakdown and as involvement?

Could you speak to SS about what would potentially happen of you split given he's unfaithful and sexually aggressive.

I'd be v concerned about shared custody in case he got a booty call and let a couple of young kids alone for a quick shag

To be fair, the impression she gave in the first post just made out he got a bit sulky. Not that he was threatening to leave her.

Oh he doesn't threaten to leave, he just does it in the middle of the night leaving me a text to wake up to.

The amount of stress he has brought into my life has amplified the once low level MH problems but SS were of the opinion that I'm only being left with my children because we have him here.

Can I also say aswell.. I don’t know the full situation of what your ex is like, but my ex convinced me I had a personality disorder. He was extremely manipulative and I had depression, I was easily manipulated as he pulled down all my defences. He threatened to “get the kids a new mum” if I left him, he said I’d never find anyone else who would deal with me.
You said you have TMD. I also have this..it developed when I was with my ex. I’ve lost a tooth due to it. It’s much improved now.
Please consider that he is possibly making your MH worse. I improved rapidly when I left him. It wasn’t easy at all to leave.
But 15 years later, I’m married and although I do still have moments of depression and anxiety, I have had a single panic attack since I was with my ex.

Do you have family who will help you? You mentioned SS were involved- can you talk to them?

@Millyay Urgh your DH sounds awful. There's nothing worse than being groped by a man who thinks if he grabs your boos, or pokes at your arse, or fanny, that you will swoon with delight, and drop to your knees with sheer delight, at the prospect of this 'wonderful man' desiring you so much. vom!

With past partners, I've had 'let's go upstairs then, for some fucky-fucky' whilst having my nipples pinched because that's is SUCH a turn on for a man to grope and squeeze your nipples. And I have been pinned against the door, thrown on the bed, and been blocked from leaving the room until I kiss him/hug him, and even one time, refusal to let me out of the room until I give him a blow-job.

Some men don't realise how utterly repugnant they - and their hideous advances - are. As many posters have said, men are not OWED sex. Thank GOD the law was changed in the 1990s, that stopped men from forcing their wives into sex. (Raping them!)

Have to say though OP, you and your DH don't sound hugely compatible, and you deserve better!

DC are three and almost 2.

I wouldn't be comfortable with 50/50 custody personally, not least because when he was having an affair he was using them to facilitate it.

I could approach SS myself but that may result in me being assessed for the third time and the process was so stressful I just can't handle it yet.

@Millyay Urgh your DH sounds awful. There's nothing worse than being groped by a man who thinks if he grabs your boobs, or pokes at your arse, or fanny, that you will swoon with delight, and drop to your knees with sheer delight, at the prospect of this 'wonderful man' desiring you so much. vom!

With past partners, I've had 'let's go upstairs then, for some fucky-fucky' whilst having my nipples pinched because that's is SUCH a turn on for a man to grope and squeeze your nipples. And I have been pinned against the door, thrown on the bed, and been blocked from leaving the room until I kiss him/hug him, and even one time, refusal to let me out of the room until I give him a blow-job.

Some men don't realise how utterly repugnant they - and their hideous advances - are. As many posters have said, men are not OWED sex. Thank GOD the law was changed in the 1990s, that stopped men from forcing their wives into sex. (Raping them!)

Have to say though OP, you and your DH don't sound hugely compatible, and you deserve better!

Ooops, double post. Not sure how that happened sorry!

I've had so much sex I don't want just to make him happy. ....he is relentless.

He does sound like a total pest. There needs to be some mutual decision when it comes to sex. And some respect.

OP I’ve just read your last comment.
Leaving you in the night is not on at all.
He sounds just like my ex.
If SS were aware of this, they would help you. Please tell someone before things get worse.

You poor women.

This is highly abusive.

I really think you should contact Women's Aid for support.

It sounds as if you have linked having sex with him, that you don't want, that you feel pressured into, is linked to you keeping your children and not having SS involved.

Please seek support.
You poor women.
He sounds just awful.

I do see this as an abusive relationship yes, though I've had that rubbished by other people because 'cheating isn't abuse'

I certainly think it is.

It's not just the act of having sex with somebody else that is abusive, it's the gaslighting, manipulation, stonewalling and mind games he plays when he's doing it that causes the irreparable damage.

He has been utterly cruel to me during his last affair when he was 'painting me black' and telling himself I'm a shit person, just so he could avoid feeling uncomfortably guilty.

@Millyay

DC are three and almost 2.

I wouldn't be comfortable with 50/50 custody personally, not least because when he was having an affair he was using them to facilitate it.

I could approach SS myself but that may result in me being assessed for the third time and the process was so stressful I just can't handle it yet.

All of the options are hard. There isn't a way that you and the kids can swan out of this smiling. It's really shit. That should be able to happen for you. I'm so sorry that it can't.

Unless the kids are in danger, you've GOT to prioritise your MH here. Find ways to make yourself feel stronger, so that when it comes to custody of the kids, you're in the best possible position within yourself.

You need to find more support. You must feel horribly alone. It's good you've posted on MN because there is support here. Have you tried any other options? Women's Aid?

Don't approach SS. Refuse him if ot is how you feel you've every right.
Let him have his affair if necessary build yourselves up think long-term with the DC.
I rarely call abuse on threads it seems he is aware he has control over you.
It's a shame SS have trapped you here for your MH issues. ❤

Cheating is most certainly abuse. Don’t let anyone make you believe that it isn’t.
Cheating is vile and makes the other persons self esteem and self worth plummet. Therefore, it is abuse.

I do need help, I'm just frightened.

I've had bad experiences with SS in the past even going as far back as my own childhood, so no matter how much somebody would tell me they're there to help i wouldn't believe it.

SS making it clear that they're only discharging because of DH cemented in my mind that I have to stay with him, at least until they're older.

I'm genuinely terrified that if I or he leaves I'm going to end up losing my children.

The last time he swanned off I was in such a deep hole and full of panic I didn't sleep or eat for days. Taking him back was the lesser of two evils, to me.

I don't think there's anything unreasonable about him trying it on or indicating that he wants sex with you -- in a marriage it shouldn't be an outrageous thought that you might want sex.

No, but it equally shouldn’t be an outrageous thought in a marriage that
Your partner might occasionally not be in the mood. Sulking and taking that as rejection IS unreasonable.