I think his got me a computer for Xmas- please god no!

[Heartlantern2]

Me and DH are having a bit of a spat today- he never wants to do anything or go anywhere with me. He never initiates sex and is also not affectionate in a wordy way like I love you’s ect. I kinda feel like I’m living with my brother, who loves me, but isn’t in love with me, like how a brother would love a sister.

So during this argument I have a horrid feeling I have got a computer for Xmas, probably a Apple one. I already have a small lap top and a iPad, I use both these things soley and for my work only, I don’t play on them or ever do anything not work related.

So this computer, I suspect would be a family computer? Yes?

So my one and only gift is the family computer.....maybe next year I’ll get a sofa for Xmas (that benefits everyone but isn’t actually for me is it!) ?

Aibu thinking this is not a gift for me?
How would you feel getting a family/household item as your only gift?

Yanbu- that’s a normal purchase for everyone and shouldn’t be in exchange for someone’s gift

Yabu- gosh, you sound like hard work.

Also to add, this would be a second hand computer so no chance of sending it back for a refund.

I would password protect it and make a point of it being your computer :)

Its a crap gift if its not something you actually want.

If DH bought me a really good laptop I'd be happy (if worried about how he paid for it), but if you don't use a PC outside of work it's a terrible present.

Why do you think he's got "you" a computer?

@LivingDeadGirlUK

I would password protect it and make a point of it being your computer :)

Its a crap gift if its not something you actually want.

Definitely do this!

It’s your computer you can sell it and use the cash on something nice for yourself. Tell DH oh that’s a nice thought but I’m selling it on as I really want x

Is this about the laptop or the empty relationship?

By which I mean - what bit of this do you want to address?

It's crap to get a present that isn't really for you.
It's crap to live in a sexless joyless marriage.

OP 100% password protect it and keep it stashed away. DO NOT LET THE FAMILY USE IT!

If DH mentions this or makes any suggestion of it being ‘shared use’ tell him very clearly no- this was your only gift for Christmas. It was for you and if he wants/needs a family computer you’ll need to buy another one.

Also don’t disqualify selling it to a pawn shop or returning it to where he’s bought it from, say ‘I really appreciate the thought but I just don’t need it so I’d rather return it and ‘treat myself’ with the cash!’

He’ll not doubt say something like ‘I thought it would be a family use’ at which point you can stare blankly and say ‘then why ever would you buy it for my Christmas gift? How very silly’

Many years ago DH got me a deep fat fryer because his mother said they were great for making 'proper' chips. It was a dangerous move as I was very pregnant at the time. It was pretty obvious what my thoughts were but DH insisted that I open it, and there was a gorgeous necklace hidden inside. We never did use the deep fat fryer!

I hope you can get your DH to understand your concerns OP.

In more recent years he's bought 'me' a flash new TV (really?) and a family ski trip (I don't ski). In all fairness, along with other things, but I didn't like them being labelled for 'me' - they were for all of us. It's become a bit of a family joke now.

Did you ever expressly show him what you want ?

If not a gift is a gift that is the givers choice.

At Christmas I like an indulgent gift from my OH and I’m pretty clear about what it is and how it can be bought. I don’t want anything else from anyone else.

All gifts after that including birthdays are down to the giver. I love the surprise and delight about the good ones and inanity of the bad ones.

As others suggested, password protect it with a very long password he'll never guess and then leave it sitting there. Can be his daily reminder of his stupidity.

Admittedly our house is full of stuff, but I do get the feeling that the sole gift I am going to get this year will be a microplane grater!

This, dear readers, is why our joint account pays for Freddies Flowers and Jo Malone once in a while.

@ajandjjmum I once got a deep fat fryer from my dp. I was convinced as I opened the box that it was a trick present and would have jewellery or something else hidden inside but nope! After a year or so of it sitting unused we sold it.

I think I’m just pitying myself, I don’t get gifts, presents, weekends away, dinner out or toning throughout the year, which whilst is shit, I accept. But a household family present for Xmas- I kind of feel like I’ve been hit by Tyson. I just know that’s what I’ve got. Trying to hold in the disappointment is going to be painful as I wouldn’t want to upset the kids on Xmas, their only young

Also, this is my present for Xmas and birthday as it’s early January. I think I’m just going to hide in the bathroom and cry my sorry little soul out

Why do you think this is what he has got and nothing else?

Focus on the other, actual known problems rather than one that hasn’t happened yet.

You've got 12 days to sort this out.

If you are really sure about this then I would have a chat with him and say, look I think you have got me a computer for Christmas and 1) I don't need a computer and 2) I don't want a computer. Please sell it and get me something I do want.

Thank you very much. End of discussion

I would be really upset as well.

What makes you think he’s done this, though?

It's a lot of money for something you don't want, but have you told him what you wanted for christmas?

Computer in itself is fine and a perfectly good present.

If it's nowhere near what you need and want, and it becomes a family item, it's shit.

It's all about context and your finances. You would be totally right to make it clear you prefer a small and cheaper personal gift than anything else!

You need to have a discussion with him when you are calm. Think of something you actually want and tell him, and say that if he has bought a computer it's not your present.

I'm now very explicit with DH. In the past he would buy me a phone or ipad upgrade when he bought his during the year as wanted. I have explicitly said that I will now do the same and won't accept a replacement phone as a gift.

In DHs case it's caused by thoughtlessness rather than any intrinsic lack of regard and he actually overspends on my presents now he knows what I want, but it seems with you that this is just symptomatic of deeper issues within your relationship.

You haven’t even been given it yet and you are already complaining, stop being so bloody passive. Tel him you don’t want a computer as a gift do not just sit here complaining while you do nothing about it.

What @Chamomileteaplease said.

You’re an adult, the current gift arrangement is not working for you. Instead of crying about this in the bathroom, talk to your H. It doesn’t matter if he thinks you’re ungrateful or if you think that way about yourself - you can’t make yourself want a laptop and, by god, if you cannot be honest with the person you live with about the relatively trivial matter of Christmas gifts, what’s the bloody point?

I can’t tell him, we’re not financially well of due to COVID and he is excited to give it to me. His said he can’t wait for Xmas a few times now as he thinks I want this. I’ve mentioned in the year we need to get a family computer so we can put all the kids photos and videos on their so we don’t loose them, but I didint want it for a gift, you know, it was just a thing we need, like a sofa or a kettle.

This is why I mentioned the brother and sister thing, it’s like he doesn’t know me on a personal level anymore.

Why do you think this is what he has got you?