I think his got me a computer for Xmas- please god no!

[Heartlantern2]

Me and DH are having a bit of a spat today- he never wants to do anything or go anywhere with me. He never initiates sex and is also not affectionate in a wordy way like I love you’s ect. I kinda feel like I’m living with my brother, who loves me, but isn’t in love with me, like how a brother would love a sister.

So during this argument I have a horrid feeling I have got a computer for Xmas, probably a Apple one. I already have a small lap top and a iPad, I use both these things soley and for my work only, I don’t play on them or ever do anything not work related.

So this computer, I suspect would be a family computer? Yes?

So my one and only gift is the family computer.....maybe next year I’ll get a sofa for Xmas (that benefits everyone but isn’t actually for me is it!) ?

Aibu thinking this is not a gift for me?
How would you feel getting a family/household item as your only gift?

Yanbu- that’s a normal purchase for everyone and shouldn’t be in exchange for someone’s gift

Yabu- gosh, you sound like hard work.

OP I've only read your posts but I'd really recommend reading up about love languages. It's been a huge eye opener for me.
DP & I don't do Xmas or birthday presents (neither of us give a shit about gifts) but he'll book me a nice restaurant for dinner and put time into thinking about it (quality time both one of our primary love languages).
We don't match in our other primary love language which we both have to work on.
You're not unhappy because you're getting a computer, you're unhappy because of what the lack of heartfelt gift means to you. I'd really recommend doing some reading on it - as a start - obviously your DP also needs to step up if things are going to improve.

I think giving him £80 cash is far more thoughtless than him buying a computer you said you need for family videos etc. I would be really hurt if my partner just gave me cash for Xmas because seemingly they couldn’t think of one thoughtful thing to give me. In fact it happened once and I gave the cash straight back along with my thoughts on it.
Sounds like there are a lot of issues in your marriage but in this instance I don’t think you’re coming across well.

My husband once bought me a smart tv for the bedroom. Amazingly this coincided with a Sky man arriving to set up some new Sky Q offer thingy that required a smart tv upstairs. Funny that.

Hi cavagirl I will,

How long have you two been together? We’ve been together 15 years but only seems to be going wrong lately.

He never used to be like this, it’s happened slowly without me noticing.

I gave him the money because I didn’t know what he wanted for Xmas and I have no idea about gaming gadgets. His atleast getting something he wants.

I know I sound horrible about it, it’s pushed me over the edge and I’ve gone from sad and disappointed to angry and resentful (rather quickly!)

10 years. We've not done gifts for at least 5. For some that would be awful (plenty of friends look at me like - what?) but if I want something I'll get it or save up for it myself.

There's a book - Gary Chapman is the author- but loads of free stuff online too. It has really changed the way I look at some of the stuff DP gets pissed off about me doing/not doing and vice versa.

Obviously not a magic bullet, and you both need to invest time and effort. But could be a start to figuring through some stuff x

Thank you I’ll give it a try

@Heartlantern2

😂 ok, you win! 😂

TBF is was a nice shelf

And the fuckers wouldn't even let me take it with me when we split and I left

I bought DH a telly.. but will be going in the living room!

It's definitely a present for hiM tho as he's been asking for one for years and I keep saying we can't afford it..

I'd be pissed off if he claimed it wasn't a present for him..

In your case tho that's not a gift and be upset too!

But the point is, if you wanted to be thoughtful towards him you would have made some effort to find out what he would like, or even just asked him and then got it. Giving the cash so he can buy it himself is the least thoughtful gift to give, at least he actually thought about what you might want/need even if he didn’t fully think through the fact that the rest of the family might want to use it too.

I don’t get gifts, presents, weekends away, dinner out

And

We’re financially struggling due to covid

Are these two linked or has he always been like this? If he’s being financially prudent I don’t blame him: buying something practical that will serve as backup in case your laptop dies and that can be used for family stuff. Would you prefer a lavish dinner and no way of doing your work if your laptop fails? That sounds very ‘romantic’ but impractical.

The other issue is no sex, no affection etc which can be a dealbreaker. But I wonder what part financial worries have to play in the tensions in your relationship.

He basically got something for him. Fuming for you.

Get him an iron op.

We’re financially struggling due to covid

A MacBook/Mac is approx £1k + , so if you’re struggling I totally get why this is a very needless purchase

@Lindtballsrock

But the point is, if you wanted to be thoughtful towards him you would have made some effort to find out what he would like, or even just asked him and then got it. Giving the cash so he can buy it himself is the least thoughtful gift to give, at least he actually thought about what you might want/need even if he didn’t fully think through the fact that the rest of the family might want to use it too.

Yup. You can't give cash to someone as a gift and then get pissed off when they don't put any thought into a gift in return. Not without being a selfish, one-sided prat, anyway.

Is this really about the computer or your DH?

It sounds like it's the straw that's finally broken the back of the metaphorical camel that is your relationship.

I've voted YABU, on the sole basis of a computer not really being the problem.

You haven't got him a thoughtful or personal gift though. If he's taken the same approach then perhaps you both need to make more of an effort with one another. Why don't you suggest that you do Christmas stockings for one another?

But ... so why did you mention that you need a spare computer for work if you don’t want one? You talk about a ‘studio’ in your house so I assumed you were freelance or something like that. In which case it’s rather different to being employed by a company which provides you with a computer.
Basically the whole mention of not having a spare computer for work has confused the matter (even more than it was confused already by your various other examples of lack of clarity). Perhaps your husband is confused too?

The gift isn’t thoughtless- it’s practical and would benefit you all. Makes sense to buy one big ticket item, especially if money is tight.

I imagine he thinks it would be a nice surprise, especially seeing as you want somewhere to store family photos and back up your work.

Your reaction does sound a bit petty and is indicative of other problems in your relationship.

I think you’re in the wrong because you just seem hellbent on having a pity party. It’s fair enough to not like the gift, but you refuse to even discuss this with him. Either tell him you feel unappreciated or get over it as you’re ranting for no reason. Why are you procrastinating until January?

It’s weird that you’re annoyed you gave him £80 that was supposed to be for a joint meal, and he spent it on his own gift as you intended. You created the very problem that has upset you. If you bring this up in an argument, he would definitely say you’re giving him mixed signals. Gifts shouldn’t be conditional on what they gift you, and you didn’t have to give him the full £80.

Sorry but who gets a “family computer” for storage? Hard drives and cloud storage exist. It’s shit that he bought a household item as a gift for your birthday and Xmas, but I think you blurred the lines by mentioning it frequently. You know he’s not thoughtful so you should have just told him what you wanted for Christmas. Life isn’t a fairytale, you know this man won’t suddenly and magically guess what you want.

Being an adult in a relationship means that you both have to learn how to communicate

I don’t need a spare computer for work, I will upload files to a cloud.

I didn’t ask for a computer at any point.

Mentioned in conversation once the family could benefit from a computer so WE have somewhere to put all the kids photos and videos. ( the kids are young so can also play on it and do school work if they wanted to)

When I said to him about backing up my work I was referring to a cloud. He assumed computer.....because his already got me one (that I won’t use, need or asked for)

"AIBU - I said I needed a new computer for work and to put the videos and photos of the kids on as mine is on its last legs. My husband and I have said we won't do Christmas presents for eachother this year as we are skint. I think my husband has bought me a computer which will probably be for my Christmas and birthday presents. I wanted to spend £80 overtime money on a meal out for me, I mean my husband and me, during the pandemic, so told my husband to arrange childcare with his mother. He doesn't really enjoy going out like this but I think he should anyway because I want him to. He refused so I bunged him, I mean, I lovingly gave him £80 to buy his own present with as I don't know what he likes and he has actually spent it on himself! On things that he wants! And I think, I don't actually know yet, that he's bought me a computer that I said I need but that I imagine he's assuming is for the whole family although I can't be sure as I don't know if he's even bought me the computer yet..."

Yes. You are being extremely unreasonable.

To be fair for my christmas gift I got a dresser for the dining room. It will be stocked with food and tins and benefit everyone. but the difference is - I asked for it. And its very expensive, more than I would feel comfortable just randomly buying at any point (as the unit we currently have is more than sufficient).

I think unless you have specifically asked for one or your work could be made easier (ie you have complained that your current laptop is too slow) then no I think its not "Your" gift. Also I would be petty and give your current laptop "for the family" and hide the apple one, as its "yours". otherwise DH has just bought himself a gift.

Again. How do you know it is a second hand computer? You said it's just that he hinted at getting pc, nothing more. Or have I missed something?