I think his got me a computer for Xmas- please god no!

[Heartlantern2]

Me and DH are having a bit of a spat today- he never wants to do anything or go anywhere with me. He never initiates sex and is also not affectionate in a wordy way like I love you’s ect. I kinda feel like I’m living with my brother, who loves me, but isn’t in love with me, like how a brother would love a sister.

So during this argument I have a horrid feeling I have got a computer for Xmas, probably a Apple one. I already have a small lap top and a iPad, I use both these things soley and for my work only, I don’t play on them or ever do anything not work related.

So this computer, I suspect would be a family computer? Yes?

So my one and only gift is the family computer.....maybe next year I’ll get a sofa for Xmas (that benefits everyone but isn’t actually for me is it!) ?

Aibu thinking this is not a gift for me?
How would you feel getting a family/household item as your only gift?

Yanbu- that’s a normal purchase for everyone and shouldn’t be in exchange for someone’s gift

Yabu- gosh, you sound like hard work.

You are fine at explaining things. But everybody reading, including me, has their own lived experience which affects how they react and respond to your situation.
Just take what's useful to you.
I hope you manage to have a nice Christmas despite everything and can sort things out amicably in the new year.

When this happened

Went into studio to work- mentioned about backing up work (referring to a cloud) he assumed computer. Said in response to me ‘you don’t have to worry about that’ meaning his got me a family computer.
Why didn't you say " i know, i use the cloud" or " what do you mean".
Did you just ignore this statement completely. ?

YANBU Its something he'd know you didn't want if he paid attention. It's something the family needs.

We do buy needed things as gifts, I've got DH some steel toe capped trainer boots and a mouse for his laptop. I've asked him for maternity clothes. Things we need but dont really want to buy. I asked my dad for a water filter jug! But we also buy nice thoughtful things for eachother.

Financial pressures do add a lot of strain to relationships, and I’m not sure about separation decisions when you’re both going through a situation like that.

Yes, I did ignore it when he said it- I still haven’t mentioned the computer- we was already rowing about why he lied to me over the meal thing (and gained £80 out of it🤦🏻‍♀️ He didn’t know I was going to find out about the lie, but he also didint lie to get the £80 as he didn’t know I was going to give it to him)

If it makes me out even worse, I still haven’t mentioned the computer, I’d feel like I was being a bitch now on purpose if I did.

Thank you Middlesex girl, you’ve been so kind.

Well I think we've established this has nothing to do with a computer .
Christmas is a very stressful time and god knows this year has been off the charts .
Get Christmas over and see where you are in the new year.
Relationships can have blips they can recover too .

I had this with my Ex. Everyone in the family had something for themselves but I was expected to be happy with something that was generic or for the house/family. I think the real issue is you are craving being made to feel that someone acknowledges you as an individual with their own wants and likes and needs, as a partner should be doing. It's not about money, even a bunch of flowers if they were the ones you loved in particular would be worth more as it would show love and thought.

@Heartlantern2 I wanted to apologise for my earlier rather blunt message.

I didn’t realise that this was not about a spat about a gift and that your relationship is breaking down. I should have been gentler - I’m sorry you’re going through this. I wish you every strength.

I get it op.

I've been telling dh we need to upgrade a kitchen gadget, especially with Christmas approaching. I gadget is not mentioned again but I get a sudden feeling he might be planning on buying it as a gift.
I don't want a bloody kitchen gadget that we both use for my present.

In the end I bit the bullet and said "you know if you were planning on buying me this for Christmas it would be a really shit gift don't you". I saw the fear flash and knew that's exactly what he'd been planning. I ordered it myself and all is well with the world again.

OP have you thought of just being that Blunt?

@Heartlantern2 I think I understand what's going on with your DH, he's been profoundly affected by his dad's death & it's turned his world upside down. Exactly the same thing happened to me, my dad died 10 years ago, and since then things have been going wrong. I've become indecisive, I've had a whole string of medical problems, I've become argumentative, & I havn't been in regular employment. I've recently moved house & have made a terrible choice, and I'm not happy where I'm living. Nothing seems to be going right. Maybe he needs to get some more counselling? I'm having some at the moment, but it's infrequent & over the phone, so it's I'm not sure it's helping much. That's the only think I can think of to suggest, other than that you might need to talk more with your DH.

You have to spell it out to him. My DH has on occasion requested kitchen gadgets as his present. He doesn't see a problem with it ( but very much knows my opinion in household items as gifts for me!)

OP, I know I have the benefit of other people in the thread because I’m replying so late so I’ve read all your comments and watched this go from a thread about him not understanding what you want for Christmas to the breakdown of your marriage.

I’m truly sorry; I think these are some of the most shite things we face in life, and you are not alone that something over Christmas often brings the truth into stark relief for a lot of people. In fact, the first working Monday after Christmas is actually called “Divorce Day” by solicitors because the rates rise so much: www.standard.co.uk/lifestyle/divorce-day-2020-january-split-relationship-marriage-a4327181.html . Unfortunately, I’m not sure if counseling can help you, if like you said, he went into a “rage” when his brother suggested help in the past. Maybe this will be different. Do YOU want counseling? You are allowed to figure out what it is you want from now, moving forward, whether it’s to try counseling, to attempt to talk it through, to separate, to immediately file for divorce - you have the right to take time and think about it. I really wish you the best of luck.

Blimey OP. Just read your updates. How sad.

Sorry it's just all gone to shit, but might be worth starting a new thread or this one will just run and run with people querying about the price of a bloody MacBook and the injustice of the £80 being spent.

Oh OP I'm so sorry.
I think your best plan is to just get through Christmas as best you can. Try and put some distance between yourself and DH in your mind, emotionally he isn't there for you any longer, is he. Rightyesbutno seems to have summed it up better than I can.

What did you get?

I'd be well chuffed with the