Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think his got me a computer for Xmas- please god no!

217 replies

Heartlantern2 · 13/12/2020 11:28

Me and DH are having a bit of a spat today- he never wants to do anything or go anywhere with me. He never initiates sex and is also not affectionate in a wordy way like I love you’s ect. I kinda feel like I’m living with my brother, who loves me, but isn’t in love with me, like how a brother would love a sister.

So during this argument I have a horrid feeling I have got a computer for Xmas, probably a Apple one. I already have a small lap top and a iPad, I use both these things soley and for my work only, I don’t play on them or ever do anything not work related.

So this computer, I suspect would be a family computer? Yes?

So my one and only gift is the family computer.....maybe next year I’ll get a sofa for Xmas (that benefits everyone but isn’t actually for me is it!) ?

Aibu thinking this is not a gift for me?
How would you feel getting a family/household item as your only gift?

Yanbu- that’s a normal purchase for everyone and shouldn’t be in exchange for someone’s gift

Yabu- gosh, you sound like hard work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heartlantern2 · 13/12/2020 12:20

He doesn’t know what I wanted for Xmas as we wasn’t getting presents for each other this year as we are financially struggling because of COVID.

He just landed it on me one day his got a present for me for Xmas, I had overtime at work so gave him £80 to get himself a Xmas present. So that’s why he didn’t know what I wanted, but if he asked I wouldn’t have said a family household item. I’ve only figured out today what it is.

OP posts:
ProfessorInkling · 13/12/2020 12:21

So what are you going to do? If you just want to wallow and carry on, well fair enough, it's a crap present and he's a crap husband. Sorry OP.

Original poster
Heartlantern2 · 13/12/2020 12:22

Because he keeps mentioning a computer. I know this is what his got, he has no good subtle skills and I’ve figured it out from why he keeps mentioning it

OP posts:
ShalomToYouJackie · 13/12/2020 12:23

Why did you get a feeling during the argument that he got you a computer?

RedskyAtnight · 13/12/2020 12:23

I wouldn't be bothered by getting a computer for Christmas, even if it turned into something that was more used by the family than me.

But ... this isn't your issue is it? The issue is that you don't feel loved. Not sure what the answer to that is. Have you talked to him about it? Maybe couples counselling would help?

titchy · 13/12/2020 12:24

Well tell him. 'If you've got me a computer that all the family can use then please take it back. I don't want one and I will be extremely disappointed if that's what it is. I want x instead.'

ancientgran · 13/12/2020 12:24

It's a shame if he's got it wrong but it happens. I like practical presents, I hate things that people see as a luxury or a treat, they just seem like waste to me. I smile and say how lovely when I'm given perfume or jewellery and think of the useful things I could have had instead.

I think it is great we aren't all the same but it does make presents awkward.

Is there something you actually want?

HerMammy · 13/12/2020 12:25

Sadly if you haven’t got any kind of connection and there’s little love, I can’t see why you would have expectations of a thoughtful gift.
If your DC are young I’d be thinking hard about staying in this joyless marriage.

Bella43 · 13/12/2020 12:26

I hate this sort of thing. My ex husband always used to buy me 'gifts' that were really for him. Red crotchless undies anyone? Xmas Angry

Strangedayindeed · 13/12/2020 12:27

It’s not an awful gift it’s just sad as you said as he doesn’t know you anymore.

Bella43 · 13/12/2020 12:27

And just to put that into context. He was always wanting sex whereas I had a low sex drive.

Original poster
Heartlantern2 · 13/12/2020 12:28

Because when we was arguing (2 weeks ago I was doing overtime and was getting £80 for it, so said to him can he ask his mum if she can have the children for a few hours and we can go for a meal as our Xmas present- he never wants to do anything with me or go anywhere- he said she won’t do it because it’s Xmas time and she’s busy. I thought fair enough, it is a busy time of the year, then discovered she has had her other grandchildren all last weekend- so it wasn’t that she was busy, it’s that he didint want to ask and used his mum as a excuse for him to not spend time with me I guess)

So whilst arguing about it, I went to my studio and started doing some more work, he came in 20 minutes later and I was saying that if my laptop breaks or anything I’ve just realised I’d be up the creek as everything is only on one computer, I don’t have a back up, and he said, I wouldn’t worry about that.

That means that’s what his got me as his normal generic response is -Yh, we will have to sort that at some point.

OP posts:
80sColourfulChristmas · 13/12/2020 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

katy1213 · 13/12/2020 12:28

OH dear, I think you walked into this when you told him you needed one for the family. His male brain will have translated this into a brilliant idea for Christmas! All you can do now is spell it out and say that it's too impersonal to count as a gift. Or buy him a lawnmower? No - buy him jewellery and say you know he'll enjoy looking at you wearing it!

LuckyNumberThirteen · 13/12/2020 12:29

Well, if you need a computer as a family all is not lost.

Talk to him. Make it a family gift. Then suggest something small (and inexpensive) that you would like.

I despise household items as gifts. Last year my MiL bought me a Christmas hand towel. For my birthday. In January.

Backbee · 13/12/2020 12:30

I would be more annoyed if you are struggling financially that he has spent a lot of money (or agreed to quite a bit of credit) without discussing it. As for the attentiveness and gestures, not excusing it, but has he always been like it? My friends DH is the same, but she has been moaning about it since they met, so not surprising he hasn't changed. You need to either have a deep talk with him about things imo, or if it's not what you want from life plan a next move.

Velvian · 13/12/2020 12:30

I think you are being a little unfair. It is something that you have expressed a desire for and he has remembered. I understand where you are coming from, as it is a part of the 'mental load' thinking of things that benefit the family, and he probably doesn't give a shit. It is likely though, that he has heard you saying you want something and he has got it for you.

I think you have a few other issues going on in your relationship and I don't think you have worked out yet what the issues are. I think you should spend a bit of time pinpointing what is wrong for you, as you are quite vague.

Very few relationships feature unexpected gifts, flowers and surprises, so I don't think it is part of the real issue.

JamieLeeCurtains · 13/12/2020 12:31

@Heartlantern2, you sound quite despairing of your marriage and your home life. I'm really sorry. Flowers

I think it might help you if you start to make some plans for the new year about where you go from here. The computer is a symptom of a much bigger problem.

If you were on the Relationships board, you'd be (rightly) asked lots of questions, e.g. what needs of yours are being met in this relationship? What sort of relationship do you want? How will you achieve that - is it even possible with this partner?

SapatSea · 13/12/2020 12:32

I think this all goes deeper than the gift. If you were happy and felt cherished in the relationship then I don't think you'd worry to much about a "useful" gift. You are craving some sign that your H still desires and values you. He's not going to surprise you with a diamond bracelet or the like if he has never given you that kind of present before. I think you'd be better sitting down and having a thorough discussion about your relationship and what steps need to taken to help save it (if that is what you want). You are hoping he'lls ee the light and give you a thoughtful, loving gift but sadly I think you know it's not happening.

bonjonbovi · 13/12/2020 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Heartlantern2 · 13/12/2020 12:34

Pointing out 1 spelling mistake, yes thank you, that helps tremendously.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
Janaih · 13/12/2020 12:35

If you said you wanted a computer then its reasonable that hes got you one. Has anyone else said they want one? I doubt either he or the kids are keenly waiting to store all their photos and videos.
You need to tell him clearly with no room for misinterpretation that you dont want computer, and tell him what you do want.

bonjonbovi · 13/12/2020 12:35

@Heartlantern2 - put the computer in your studio. Stop it being a family gift and make it your own! See
How he reacts, that’ll tell you all you need to know.

ViciousJackdaw · 13/12/2020 12:36

@80sColourfulChristmas My thoughts exactly.

Let me get this straight - you have mentioned the need for a 'family computer'. You have also mentioned being up the creek if your laptop fails. You and DH have agreed not to buy gifts for each other this year.

However, DH has bought a desktop (presumably) for the whole family to benefit from.

What is the actual issue here because I can't see it.

Original poster
Heartlantern2 · 13/12/2020 12:37

Yes, I know that all of you are right, it’s not the gift that’s the problem.

It’s hard to accept but I will just be miserable forever if I don’t do something about my life, it’s just all so hard though.

I will start in the new year to really address these problems and how.

Thank you all, you all told me what I needed to hear really

OP posts: