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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think his got me a computer for Xmas- please god no!

217 replies

Heartlantern2 · 13/12/2020 11:28

Me and DH are having a bit of a spat today- he never wants to do anything or go anywhere with me. He never initiates sex and is also not affectionate in a wordy way like I love you’s ect. I kinda feel like I’m living with my brother, who loves me, but isn’t in love with me, like how a brother would love a sister.

So during this argument I have a horrid feeling I have got a computer for Xmas, probably a Apple one. I already have a small lap top and a iPad, I use both these things soley and for my work only, I don’t play on them or ever do anything not work related.

So this computer, I suspect would be a family computer? Yes?

So my one and only gift is the family computer.....maybe next year I’ll get a sofa for Xmas (that benefits everyone but isn’t actually for me is it!) ?

Aibu thinking this is not a gift for me?
How would you feel getting a family/household item as your only gift?

Yanbu- that’s a normal purchase for everyone and shouldn’t be in exchange for someone’s gift

Yabu- gosh, you sound like hard work.

OP posts:
SillyUnMurphy · 13/12/2020 12:37

So your husband has got you a computer, you mentioned in passing that you needed and you think it is a completely thoughtless gift. Yet you’ve bunged him £80 to buy himself a present and that’s completely ok? Sounds like six of one to me.

Janaih · 13/12/2020 12:37

But I agree with others you seem to have bigger issues to deal with. Hope things work out for you Flowers

Zilla1 · 13/12/2020 12:37

Well OP, I don't know if you want suggestions but:

  1. back up your important files to the cloud; and
  2. if he's not subtle, tell him your friend is so annoyed because her DP bought a family computer for her for Christmas as she thinks this shows no affection or understanding.

Good luck.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 12:38

@80sColourfulChristmas

His - Belongs to him He's - He has or He is

HTH

What a dick move.
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/12/2020 12:41

I went to my studio and started doing some more work, he came in 20 minutes later and I was saying that if my laptop breaks or anything I’ve just realised I’d be up the creek

So you told him this an have also said you want a computer to put photos etc on and when he buys you one it’s wrong? I feel for him as you’ve mentioned wanting it more than once.

Crying because you don’t get what you want is rather childish. You are an adult, if you want something then go and buy it rather than rely on others to provide it for you.

rookiemere · 13/12/2020 12:41

Actually on reading your updates, I'm changing my mind. You said you needed a computer to store valuable family photos- DH buys a computer. There isn't much spare income, which is an important factor.
Have you bought your DH a present? If not then suggest that the computer is a joint present for both of you.

FirewomanSam · 13/12/2020 12:41

My husband and I often buy each other presents that are really for us both. I got him a kettle for his birthday which obviously I use too, but it was a particularly fancy one that I knew he had his eye on (and he was chuffed to bits!) This year I’ve got him a frying pan which again, we’ll both use, but he is really fussy about having nice pans and I know he’ll love it. I think if you’ve been talking a lot about wanting to get a computer for backing up the kids’ photos etc then I can see why he would be excited to get one for ‘you’ even if really you’ll both end up using it.

Having said all that, this isn’t really about the computer, but about you feeling under appreciated in general. It sounds like this is yet another time that you feel let down and unappreciated by him, and I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way. I had a few similar experiences with my ex: for example, when my watch got stolen and I got some compensation for it, he took the money and bought me a replacement watch with it (that I had picked out) and then tried to tell me that was my 30th birthday present from him! And again, it wasn’t really about the watch but about what it said about how much he valued me.

Pikachubaby · 13/12/2020 12:43

I feel he can do no right?

Just talk to him

Fatladyslim · 13/12/2020 12:43

You weren't getting gifts for eachother but decided to go off and get you something. You found out so bunged him £80 to get himself a present.
You are upset he got you something you have expressed and interest in (okay a family thing but still) yet your thought process for his gift was, cash point/job done?

Scarlettpixie · 13/12/2020 12:44

Wait you think he has got you a computer after you said you would like one to store photos etc and you gave him £80 to get himself something?

I am not sure he is the one who is putting the least effort into gift buying here!

ShalomToYouJackie · 13/12/2020 12:47

If I was him I would think you were hinting at wanting one as a few weeks before Christmas you are talking about your laptop/needing another and also previously spoke about wanting a computer for photos.

I don't think he's been thoughtless by getting you one.

However, you do clearly have other relationship problems to deal with

Aprilx · 13/12/2020 12:48

I started off thinking that YANBU but I have changed it following the updates.

As I am reading it you have twice spoken of needing anew computer, once for family photos and the other time when you mentioned what a problem it would be if your laptop broke. You had already agreed no presents this year, but he picked up on your comments and has apparently bought a new computer. You gave him £80 and told him to buy his own present. I have concluded, that he has put more thought into it than you have, even if he hasn’t hit the mark.

Original poster
Heartlantern2 · 13/12/2020 12:50

No sorry, I haven’t explained it right.

I didn’t say I need a computer, I said we need a family computer, for the kids photos and videos and stuff, they are on another laptop but it’s very old and takes a long time just to start up. It’s on its last legs.

He already has got the computer hence why he said that when I was in the studio only just mentioning it, but obviously I wouldn’t upload my files to another computer, I said it as I need to buy cloud space and upload them to a cloud, but maybe he doesn’t know that but it wouldn’t matter as he got the computer before I said that.

I don’t need a computer, the family does, like it needs a sofa to sit on and a fridge to use.

He hasn’t got me the computer to be nasty. I’m aware of that but it’s just another shit thing already on top of all the other thoughtlessness.

But his got £80 that was supposed to be a meal for us that isn’t because of him, to get what he wants,

And I get something I don’t want but the family needs, this is also my birthday present too.

I’m such a idiot, I should have kept the £80 and treated a friend to a meal out.

OP posts:
Whatsthename · 13/12/2020 12:50

@80sColourfulChristmas

His - Belongs to him He's - He has or He is

HTH

HTH - Happy To Help (or Hope to Help in some cases) you didn't help.
Bloodypunkrockers · 13/12/2020 12:54

I've changed my mind. I originally thought your OP was BU

But you weren't giving presents, expressed a need for a better computer for the family. He has got one

Then you give him £80 to get himself something

Yes, it's not him being Unreasonable here

Unsure33 · 13/12/2020 12:57

Yes it’s thoughtless but you think he is excited to give it to you , so not malicious.

The problems are deeper and lack of communication.

Just get through Christmas and then tackle everything.

In someways you should at least be grateful he has not spent money you don’t have and put things on credit . It could be worse.

Misandrylovescompany · 13/12/2020 12:59

I am so confused about the computer situation. You said in an earlier post that if your laptop breaks you will be screwed work-wise as you don’t have another. What is all this about buying cloud space? Don’t you have a Gmail account, can’t you just upload pics and stuff to that?

Nanny0gg · 13/12/2020 12:59

@Heartlantern2

I can’t tell him, we’re not financially well of due to COVID and he is excited to give it to me. His said he can’t wait for Xmas a few times now as he thinks I want this. I’ve mentioned in the year we need to get a family computer so we can put all the kids photos and videos on their so we don’t loose them, but I didint want it for a gift, you know, it was just a thing we need, like a sofa or a kettle.

This is why I mentioned the brother and sister thing, it’s like he doesn’t know me on a personal level anymore.

Um, using it for the only backup is a terrible idea.

External hard drive and Cloud.

rookiemere · 13/12/2020 13:00

I'm really confused now. If your DH was meant to use the £80 for the two of you to have a meal out, then rather than giving him the money use your words to say that's what you would like to do.

At the moment you appear to be punishing your DH for not being a mind reader.

Misandrylovescompany · 13/12/2020 13:00

As for the £80, from what you’ve posted you seem to be saying that you wanted to spend it on a romantic meal a deux as a Christmas present to you both, but he wouldn’t sort out his mother to provide childcare so you couldn’t go. So instead you gave him the cash to buy himself a present with? Is that right?

Alternista · 13/12/2020 13:02

I can’t quite get past you just giving him the £80, regardless of the meal out thing.

Just whacking him £80 is still less thoughtful than him having an actual gift idea, even if he got it wrong.

So, sorry, I think YABU.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/12/2020 13:05

Ask him outright if he has bought a family laptop. If he says yes then say “that’s nice dear but don’t try to pretend it’s my present if you are expecting others to get to use it”.

If he hasn’t spent the £80 then it’s £40 each and a family laptop.

amicissimma · 13/12/2020 13:07

You agreed not to give each other presents this year.

He has bought something for the family, not you alone, as per your agreement.

The thing he bought is something you expressed a need for.

He sounds quite thoughtful. In this situation, at least.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 13/12/2020 13:08

If my partner was talking about computer like this, I would get him a computer.

Sorry, yabu, but I expect the unreasonableness to be because when you are unhappy with someone they just annoy you

Hopeisnotastrategy · 13/12/2020 13:08

I am full of sympathy OP, but I would tread a little bit carefully here. In his mind he HAS made an effort to be thoughtful for once, and there is a danger of discouraging him all together if he thinks he can never get it right. Carrots rather than sticks I think, but please also be more explicit re what you would like in the future - a lot of men don't pick upon subtle hints. Buy yourself a bit of something you'd like and learn for the future.💐