I think his got me a computer for Xmas- please god no!

[Heartlantern2]

Me and DH are having a bit of a spat today- he never wants to do anything or go anywhere with me. He never initiates sex and is also not affectionate in a wordy way like I love you’s ect. I kinda feel like I’m living with my brother, who loves me, but isn’t in love with me, like how a brother would love a sister.

So during this argument I have a horrid feeling I have got a computer for Xmas, probably a Apple one. I already have a small lap top and a iPad, I use both these things soley and for my work only, I don’t play on them or ever do anything not work related.

So this computer, I suspect would be a family computer? Yes?

So my one and only gift is the family computer.....maybe next year I’ll get a sofa for Xmas (that benefits everyone but isn’t actually for me is it!) ?

Aibu thinking this is not a gift for me?
How would you feel getting a family/household item as your only gift?

Yanbu- that’s a normal purchase for everyone and shouldn’t be in exchange for someone’s gift

Yabu- gosh, you sound like hard work.

Timeline
July- mentioned family could benefit from a family computer. Store photos, videos, kids can do school work.
October- due to Covid we can’t really afford gifts for each other- both agreed.
November- worked over time, got £80- ask DH if we can both go for a meal for our Xmas present- instead of saying no, used a shit excuse to get out of it.
December- I know we agreed not to do presents for each other but I’ve got you something. (He wouldn’t know what I wanted as we wasn’t doing gifts so no one mentioned what they wanted) I was surprised so said he can have the £80 meal money to get him something as it wouldn’t be nice to be the only one with nothing to open Xmas morning.
-December 4th- with £80 got himsef some gaming bits.
December 6th- DH says this is your birthday present too by the way (that’s fine and standard)
Today - I find out his mum had her other grandchildren all weekend- me to DH - why did you say the kids can’t stay at nans for 3 hours so we can go for a meal as she is busy when she has just had others all weekend (remember I asked about the meal in NOVEMBER)

Turns out used his mum as a excuse not to go with me- had a row.

Went into studio to work- mentioned about backing up work (referring to a cloud) he assumed computer. Said in response to me ‘you don’t have to worry about that’ meaning his got me a family computer. We have been together 15 years, his generic response is ALWAYS Yh, we will have to sort that out.

Me- family computer for Xmas and birthday
Him £80 gaming stuff.
My birthday- family computer at Xmas
His birthday - something else.

And now that’s me done- I can’t say again I didn’t WANT, NEED OR ASK for a computer.

Thanks to all who have suffered and endured this friend and get what I’m saying.

Hope you all have a lovely Xmas.

I’m using mumsnet on my phone!

I think men generally prefer to receive functional gifts like tools, gadgets etc, so that's why they tend to give these kinds of presents as well.

It works both ways though. Why did you give him the £80 and tell him to get himself a present. Why didn't you use the money and go shopping and buy him some things you think he'd like? Surely that's what you would be hoping he would do for you?

Literally the only thing to suggest it has anything to do with a pc is the "You don't have to worry about that". And taht doesn't even have to mean it's a pc.

I think you are simply unhappy and concentrating on this (and so far imaginary computer) instead of dealing with the real issues

Ok well today you should have just replied to him ‘ahahaha I hope you’ve not bought a computer for the family and are going to try and pretend that it’s a present for me!’. Why didn’t you do that?

Can we just put to rest the 'bunging DH £80' please?

At the time the £80 came in, they weren't doing presents. OP didn't know about the PC - maybe DH hadn't bought it at that stage, maybe he had, but at that time OP believed they weren't doing presents.
So she suggested a meal out. Something for both of them. Something most couples in loving relationships would like to do. Or would at the very least suggest a suitable alternative arrangement if they didn't want to. But no ... DH not only turns down that idea but OP finds out later that he made an excuse about childcare which was a lie.
So OP being rather more unselfish than I would be(!) gives DH the £80 to spend on computer games (for all we know these could be games which you have to buy through a games account so OP wouldn't have been able to buy them without setting up her own account- a huge faff and much easier to just let DH buy them through his account).

So DH has the games he wants. OP has nothing she wants (and not for her birthday either).
And no she didn't ask or hint for a PC. She made one comment that the family/kids could do with one to replace the old/slow thing the kids are using.
The comment about backup for the work data came after the PC had been bought, aside from a PC being wholly inappropriate for either that purpose or as a present.

Or just say his £80 was for his birthday and Christmas and see his reaction

Yeah, accept that computer then set a password on it and become a mad gamer or porn addict! Don't let anyone, specially 'brother'/husband use it.

Good timeline OP.
Most people agree with you and I'd guess the ones that don't haven't understood the timeline or tend to do family rather than individual presents.

I'd be crying too. But I wouldn't be able to resist making it absolutely clear that the PC is not a present for me. I'd hand it over to the DC and have nothing more to do with it.

I'm so sorry @Heartlantern2, this is a bit crap. On one hand I can see he thinks he's been very thoughful picking up on something you said but on the other it's not really a present for you for you only use a computer for work. It's not really the gift though is it? It's the fact all the romance has vanished and you feel taken for granted.Time for a serious talk about how you feel, tell him it's much too early days for you to feel like this and you're never going to make it long term if things don't change.

Why would an unwanted PC be a family thing? He gives you it, you don't want it, return it.

Might be an external HD hence not having to worry about the Cloud anymore.

So you do use it outside of work. I can’t see how you can’t use one of of work tbh. If he’s excited then you should go with the flow imo -does it really matter if it’s
Not your ideal present. Just be thankful your getting one, I will wake up at Xmas to nothing as I’m a widow. I’d love him to come through the door with an entirely inappropriate present.

I'd be fairly happy with a functional present, if I got to choose it, or choose a shortlist.

I wouldn't be happy to receive a computer for the kids, and not me, to use as my joint Christmas and birthday present.

I don’t drop hints to DH. I tell him what I expect. I would tell him now whilst he can still sort out something else. Otherwise password protect it as others have said and refuse to share your present.

If he'd given you £80 at the start of Dec and said "Buy yourself something nice for xmas", would that have made you feel special and valued? It wouldn't for me.

...but that aside, I think you just need to talk to him about all of this. Tell him you don't want a computer for xmas/bday, and you know how excited he is to have got one, so he can give it to the 'family' on xmas day. But you'd still like a gift as well. If he can no longer afford one for xmas, he can take you out for your bday - which is what you wanted in the first place.

Excellent timeline OP, hopefully nobody can misread that!
But it's not about the computer, is it. That's just become the focus while you try to process the fact that your DP lied about the night out then happily took and spent your hard-earned £80. I'd be really upset too. Don't get hung up on the computer, if that's what he's got. Just make it clear that you don't regard it as yours, but a family present, if it turns out to be useful. If it isn't, sell it on. And let him know that he's had his birthday present early too.
The rest of your relationship is harder to deal with, and that's what you are avoiding looking at straight on. Maybe park it until after Christmas, but then you must deal with it. You and he need to sort this out, one way or another. It's not going to get any better if you both pretend nothing's wrong.

For the hundredth time. Tell him that you don’t want a computer.

Explain to him that you want something for you and that you want to spend time together doing something fun

I do understand I think. DP got me the Google version of Alexa last year. I have no interest in that kind of thing, really I think I’d call that a family gift. However I do use it to play my music LOUDLY so I make use of it 🤭

I agree with PP. If it’s your computer then make it yours. Password protect it and put it away. Watch him twitch.

I'm sorry you feel so sad OP. I don't really think the computer is such a terrible present in one way - in his mind I imagine he thinks he's listened to you. You admit yourself that you didn't drop hints because you didn't plan to do presents.
The real problem is you not feeling as though he knows you at all. If he knew you properly he'd know that even though you've mentioned needing a computer it's really not going to bring you any joy. That's a sad and lonely place to be after 15 years. I do think though that if you want him to know you properly you need to tell him. He's not psychic, even if he's known you for more than a decade. You should speak to him calmly tonight or tomorrow and give him a chance to change it.
My dh is a very enthusiastic present buyer but doesn't spend enough time thinking about presents and often buys absolute rubbish. It stresses me no end because I hate waste so I've now started telling him exactly what I want. It's not very romantic but it's better than the alternative.

Thank you all.

His very hard to talk too, he just clams up and doesn’t say a word. His a rather calm guy but hit the roof when I said to him tonight that he loves me but has fallen out of love with me. His reaction was because I was right. He never goes off on one, his not a angry or violent person in anyway but started getting angry and shouting loudly, saying it was all my fault. He only acts that way when the truth hurts. His a very mellow person, I’ve seen him like this only twice before in 15 years, when his brother said he should talk to a professional about their dads death as it was affecting him and another time when he was caught going through a red light.
I kinda just sat there, I mean what does one say when someone has fallen out of love with you? It’s not anyone’s fault, his or mine, we met young and as we’ve grown up with just simply grown apart.

It financially benefits us both to still stay and live here at the moment due to COVID, so that’s what we will do, but it’s over.

If someone told me my feelings and view I would hit the roof too. How do know he loves you but he has fallen out of love with you? Perhaps you need to reflect on your part on this. You seem to want to goad him to get a reaction and in doing so state your only stating facts and his reaction is beacuse its the truth. Really, whose truth? If your not happy , own that feeling and stop looking at reasons to provoke a reaction from your DH. You say your DH is a calm person, doesnt get angry or violent. Sounds like your looking for reasons to leave ...

It’s not goading, it’s not me putting my views onto him. You can trust me when I say I actually wish it was.

We have grown together from 18 years old. We have lived together since 19. He hits the roof at painful truths.

I could tell him until I’m blue in the face something that’s not true- like accuse him of an affair for instance, and he wouldn’t really react, because irrelevant if I know it or not- he would know it’s not true, so wouldn’t move past rolling his eyes.

His dad died quite a while ago and after a while he was starting to show cracks, he was really distraught by it, his the eldest son so maybe felt some kind of responsibility had fallen onto his shoulders? He started drinking a little, started being late for work( that’s not like him at all, he is good at things like work responsibility) and anyway things started to go wrong and become apparent to people outside our home. His brother picked up on it and when he came round one day (me and the kids were out) I come home to him absolutely raging! His brother had said he should try to get some help to help with the loss of their dad. It’s the first time I had ever seen him like that- I was actually scared because I had never even heard him shout before!

I was beside myself of what I walked into and his brother said he gets like this when the truth hurts. I had been with him 7 years at that time and had never seen him this way.

Then a few years ago he accidentally run a red light- again exploded.

When I say exploded I don’t mean violent or hitting anyone or smashing anything. I just mean shouting very very loudly with a angry expression on his face. But as you never see him that way it’s just so shocking to you as it’s just so alien if you get what I mean.

It’s clear from this thread I’m not good at explaining things.

Oh op I’m so sorry. I hope that you are able to make changes that make you happy.

You’ve realised that the presents issue is merely a symptom not the actual problem

Thank you, I don’t feel anything at the moment, no sadness, no happiness, I’m numb. I think it will take me a few days to actually register what’s happened. His my whole life, I’ve spent my entire adulthood with him, I kind off don’t know anything else.