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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think his got me a computer for Xmas- please god no!

217 replies

Heartlantern2 · 13/12/2020 11:28

Me and DH are having a bit of a spat today- he never wants to do anything or go anywhere with me. He never initiates sex and is also not affectionate in a wordy way like I love you’s ect. I kinda feel like I’m living with my brother, who loves me, but isn’t in love with me, like how a brother would love a sister.

So during this argument I have a horrid feeling I have got a computer for Xmas, probably a Apple one. I already have a small lap top and a iPad, I use both these things soley and for my work only, I don’t play on them or ever do anything not work related.

So this computer, I suspect would be a family computer? Yes?

So my one and only gift is the family computer.....maybe next year I’ll get a sofa for Xmas (that benefits everyone but isn’t actually for me is it!) ?

Aibu thinking this is not a gift for me?
How would you feel getting a family/household item as your only gift?

Yanbu- that’s a normal purchase for everyone and shouldn’t be in exchange for someone’s gift

Yabu- gosh, you sound like hard work.

OP posts:
Lougle · 13/12/2020 13:12

Why can't you say: "I know we weren't doing presents this year, but I think you might have got me a computer for Christmas. Why don't we have that as a family gift, as we'll all use it, and we can split the £80 between us to get a small gift each'?

puzzledquiz · 13/12/2020 13:13

If it's been given as 'your' present but it turns out it's for everybody that's not right.

Dh and I only buy small presents for each other but for the last few years we buy a house present for everybody, this year a new tv, last year a ps4, the year before that dishwasher, it's something expensive that we all agree on that will benefit all of us.

PrivateD00r · 13/12/2020 13:14

Definitely a very strange thread. You say this computer is a 'family computer' because it would be used to store family photos? I store family pics on my laptop but it is still my laptop! You had agreed to no presents but he has went ahead and tried to surprise you with an item you have said you want but cannot afford. You instead wanted to go out for a meal for Christmas presents, but he doesn't like to go out, but you are huffing he didn't want to/couldn't get childcare. You are coming across as rather demanding op, sorry! The whole thing is very strange, especially in the context of you agreeing to not actually 'do' presents.

MikeUniformMike · 13/12/2020 13:14

Buy him a sofa you like.

Ori3 · 13/12/2020 13:15

Um..........isn’t the real issue that you feel you’re married to your brother?

excitedforchristmass · 13/12/2020 13:17

You need some proper backup sorted for your computer! Don't just move stuff from one laptop to the next. Back up to an external hard drive and/or cloud storage!

andweallsingalong · 13/12/2020 13:21

Why don't you say, if you're not up for a meal out can I have the 80 quid back. You're my preferred person to take as I'd like to get us back on track and think it might help, but I've REALLY been looking forward to going out so if you don't fancy it I'll just take my friend.

Astella22 · 13/12/2020 13:21

YANBU any ‘gift’ that’s not really for you is thoughtless, it’s the modern equivalent of buying you a washing machine and expecting gratitude. Also if ur struggling financially and he bought and Apple computer I would be ragen, there are plenty of better and much cheaper brands available.

Holothane · 13/12/2020 13:22

Crap gift been there with my ex, the last Christmas I was with him, discs where still in fashion just we both had our own computers he just got a few cheap bits for the computer fine any other day but not Christmas, I was gutted put it down to the flu which I had, next year I’d left.

Daisy12Maisie · 13/12/2020 13:22

Say to him I was considering getting you a computer for Christmas as we need one but obviously that would be for all of us so really selfish of me to get it for your gift. I've got you something just for you. Anything we need as a family we can save up for after christmas.

andweallsingalong · 13/12/2020 13:25

And if he says ah but I thought I'd treat you to something else be ready for that and say, but there's nothing else I want as much. I've really been looking forward to the meal out and so happy that my overtime can pay for it. Money please

I don't understand though why you gave him the money. It was your money and you were going for the meal with him. Why wouldn't you just pay?

LH1987 · 13/12/2020 13:25

Sell it on eBay and buy yourself something. It is a real jerk move to buy you something for the family. What next, get you a new vacuum.

zoemum2006 · 13/12/2020 13:28

I don’t give or receive gifts from DH because we can simply buy ourselves the things we want.

It sounds like you don’t have good communication with each other and it seems like you aren’t on the same page.

Jenasaurus · 13/12/2020 13:32

Why not get him a family computer for his gift and somehow make it obvious thats what he has for christmas, then he will think he cant give you one as well as that would be one PC too many :)

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 13/12/2020 13:34

To be fair it does sound like you've hinted a few times that you want or need a computer for both things you'd like to do for the family and your work. If it's not what you want tell him but I can see how he misread what you've said.

My gran was talking about wanting to investigate her family tree, and get old family photos stored online, because her friend had a fire at her home and lost lots of family photos.
My grandad bought her a laptop, cloud storage and a subscription to one of these genealogy sites a couple of Christmases ago. My mum took all of their old cine films and had them put onto DVD and digital copies. She got other little things from my grandpa in her stocking and from other people, nice bath stuff, things for the garden etc but she was over the moon with all the tech, so it can be a very thoughtful gift. Grandma is 78 but so very open to learning new things and says the laptop had been a godsend in lock down they've been zoom calling us all!

MiddlesexGirl · 13/12/2020 13:35

I just don't understand PP. It was clear from the very first post that the computer was a family need- no indication that OP would need a PC as its presence only came up when she was talking about backups (for which an additional PC is far from the best solution).
The £80 that OP wanted to share on a meal together came before OP knew the DH had 'bought her a gift'.
Can totally understand your disappointment OP.

I'd be casually dropping into conversation things like 'I've been doing some research and cloud backups are definitely the best solution for my business' and 'maybe we should get the DC a laptop for their files/photos'.
And on the day 'oh .... is this for me ..... isn't it for the DC?'
He deserves not to get any pleasure from his 'gift' to you.

madcatladyforever · 13/12/2020 13:39

My first husband used to do this, he's get me a gift that was for him and it was always something I hated at great expense.
First xmas after getting married he bought himself a £500 telescope that was apparently for me. He knew I had no interest in them whatsoever.
The the next year expensive tickets for a band he knew I really hated because I said it everytime they were on the tv.
One year I told him I'd like some jewellery just for me instead of something that was really for him. he bought me a horrible bracelet that nbody would ever wear that still had the price tag on - £3.50.
He is my exhusband now.

Plastichearts · 13/12/2020 14:05

I voted YANBU but it does sound like you wanted a computer and he is excited that he has got you one. I don’t see it as a major issue but you are obviously unhappy with the relationship in general.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 13/12/2020 14:10

I think I'm misreading somewhere but I highly doubt he has got an apple laptop for £80?

iano · 13/12/2020 14:16

You've mentioned you need a computer. He gets one. It's no good cos it's a 'family computer'. A) so what and b) it's within your power to make it solely your computer by pw protecting it. You are being ridiculous crying in the toilet. Talk to him!
You are even less thoughtful than he is giving him cash so be prepared for some home truths when you do speak to him.

beavisandbutthead · 13/12/2020 14:21

If you get a good computer for xmas then use that for work and the smaller one you currently use can be the 'family' computer.

Alternatively tell him to send it back as you dont want or need it

SanFranBear · 13/12/2020 14:21

I disagree with a lot of the posts on here - that is utterly shit and made even worse that this is both Christmas and Birthday rolled into one!

I'd get half of your £80 back and get something you really want to open on Xmas day. I'm on my own with quite young children so I always get myself a pressie. Yes, I know what it is but it's still lovely, tearing off the paper and getting into the spirit of it Smile

Ohtherewearethen · 13/12/2020 14:27

I voted YANBU after reading your first post but I have just changed my vote to YABU. Deciding the family needs a computer doesn't mean that your computer (if he's even bought you one) has to become the family computer. It could and should just be yours, as you've said you need one for work and to store family photos on (that doesn't make it a family computer).
You bung £80 at your husband because you can't be bothered to think of something he might like, after suggesting something you know he doesn't like, would require him to organise childcare and risking going out to eat at the moment, how is that any sort of 'gift'? You'd also benefit from that 'gift' so it's acceptable for you to give him a 'gift' he doesn't want or need, and that benefits others, but it's not acceptable for him to do the same even after you've expressed a need for a new computer? Yeah, it's not him that's being unreasonable I'm afraid.

Witchend · 13/12/2020 14:29

I’ve mentioned in the year we need to get a family computer so we can put all the kids photos and videos on their so we don’t lose them, but I didn't want it for a gift, you know, it was just a thing we need, like a sofa or a kettle.

It just sounds like you have different expectations. In our house, this would be exactly the right thing to do. We often do get things for the family for presents for each other, that we've seen the other one wishing we had.
But we'd find the giving £80 with "go and get something" extremely cold. If dh did that to me, I'd tell him not to bother, and I'm sure he'd do that to me.

The problem is not the gift but different expectations. You expected him to think carefully and come up with a romantic gift, I suspect. He has listened to you saying what you need and has got a practical gift.

What I'd suggest you do is accept it gracefully. Say how great it is that he listened to you saying what you needed. No side remarks about not being for you, or not being what you wanted.
Next year mention the earrings you love but can't justify buying or suggest you don't get presents but go out for a meal or whatever you want.
If he buys you a hoover* then you can feel aggrieved.

*Actually I have no issues with a hoover and have received one as a present. We needed a new one and I could only justify getting the cheaper version, and he got the better one I wanted. I even occasionally use it to show my gratitude.

DianaT1969 · 13/12/2020 14:30

You both sound a little odd, to be honest. You don't need a new computer to keep photos and videos. You just need to store them in the Cloud or in a file sharing app, such as dropbox. You could even use large memory sticks on an external drive.
Your relationship wouldn't improve magically if he bought you a standard "romantic" gift, such as a bracelet or perfume. It would still be brother and sister flatmates.
You bunged him £80, which is hardly putting thought into surprising him with something he likes.
Marriage counselling?