I think his got me a computer for Xmas- please god no!

[Heartlantern2]

Me and DH are having a bit of a spat today- he never wants to do anything or go anywhere with me. He never initiates sex and is also not affectionate in a wordy way like I love you’s ect. I kinda feel like I’m living with my brother, who loves me, but isn’t in love with me, like how a brother would love a sister.

So during this argument I have a horrid feeling I have got a computer for Xmas, probably a Apple one. I already have a small lap top and a iPad, I use both these things soley and for my work only, I don’t play on them or ever do anything not work related.

So this computer, I suspect would be a family computer? Yes?

So my one and only gift is the family computer.....maybe next year I’ll get a sofa for Xmas (that benefits everyone but isn’t actually for me is it!) ?

Aibu thinking this is not a gift for me?
How would you feel getting a family/household item as your only gift?

Yanbu- that’s a normal purchase for everyone and shouldn’t be in exchange for someone’s gift

Yabu- gosh, you sound like hard work.

I didn’t bung him £80.

I wanted to spend my £80 on a meal out for the two of us for our Xmas present as we was not getting each other presents this year. He made up a shot excuse why we couldn’t do that.

At a later date mentioned he had got me a gift when we agreed we wasn’t doing gifts.

As he has got me one and me not him I have the £80 that was for US to him so he could get himself a gift so he wasn’t the only one not opening a present on Xmas day.

I then discover my gift is a family computer I don’t want or need.

His £80 has gone on gaming for himsef.

He will get a birthday present in 6 mo the time.

My birthday, 1 week after Xmas is my Xmas AND birthday present.

Bunged him the £80, honestly...it was given lovingly so he wouldn’t miss out, not bunged.

This isn’t a shiny new computer either, it’s second hand, which I’m fine with, it’s not about that, so I can’t sell it on for much.

I would have preferred a second hand bracelet or half used perfume

For the two months before Christmas I am very careful in what I show interest in, as a slipped word will result in that gift. If my partner mentioned a computer wether for himself or the family I would take that as a hint and buy accordingly. The relationship may be all but over but not because of a computer, it’s a red herring in a failing relationship.

The computer isn't the problem your DH attitude is. I would go out and leave him a letter setting out how hurt you feel when he no longer wants sex or even spend good quality time with you. I would tell him unless his attitude improved I would be getting a divorce. I would tell him he has 2 months to show improvement.

I do sympathise as I wouldn't like to receive a household item as my gift but there are some mitigating circumstances. Firstly you both agreed not to buy anything for each other due to finances, well something practical you can all use is better than nothing and makes sense of you are short of money. He clearly thinks you will like it and that shows his intentions were good. When you got the unexpected £80 it was nice of you to give him that, but as pp have said it wasn't exactly a thoughtful gift based on your knowledge of his personal taste. What you wanted to do was get a romantic meal which is something he doesn't like and would be half for you anyway. Fair enough it was your money but you can't see it as a thoughtful gift for him if it's something you wanted and he didnt. I'm not saying it doesn't show you are incompatible if he never wants to do anything with you but this is a different issue to the presents.

You're really not getting it, OP. Why do you keep insisting that this is a family computer and for your birthday as well as Christmas? You seem to know an awful lot about a gift you don't actually know you're getting yet.
Also, your sulking over him not wanting to go out for a meal is so ironic as your post is about not wanting to receive a 'family gift', ie, a gift not just for you. Yet you expect him to be delighted at having to sort childcare and go out to eat during the pandemic with you as his 'gift'? Despite you knowing he doesn't enjoy things like that anyway? Can you really not see the hypocrisy? You could easily have bought him a gift with the £80 instead of 'lovingly giving' him the cash. You haven't put any thought at all into it. It's all about you, what you want or would like, not what he would want or like. You are getting more and more unreasonable with every post.

@Heartlantern2

I think I’m just pitying myself, I don’t get gifts, presents, weekends away, dinner out or toning throughout the year, which whilst is shit, I accept. But a household family present for Xmas- I kind of feel like I’ve been hit by Tyson. I just know that’s what I’ve got. Trying to hold in the disappointment is going to be painful as I wouldn’t want to upset the kids on Xmas, their only young

Why are you writing a thread about your Christmas present when clearly your concern is that your needs are not being met in your relationship?

If you are this circumspect about your needs within the relationship, there's no wonder it's shit.

Have you tried telling him what you want? For Christmas? Otherwise?

The real question is: Do you think you deserve better, and know you'd have to leave him to get it?

OP, don’t get shirty because people didn’t understand what you’d written. You were unclear. Now can you explain why you need an extra computer for work but not this one he has got you ?

I am with others. Have you found the present that you know it's a second hand computer? Or are you just assuming?

As he has got me one and me not him I have the £80 that was for US to him so he could get himself a gift so he wasn’t the only one not opening a present on Xmas day.
So you bunged him £80 then? You’ve put no effort into getting him a gift he would like either - the meal out was for you and he didn’t want to do it.

Echo everyone else, you have bigger issues than a computer and £80!

I always tell my DH in advance what I want, I don't care if it's not a surprise. I've had some dodgy gifts in the past ... so this avoids any Nasty surprises

it was given lovingly so he wouldn’t miss out, not bunged.

He probably thinks the computer (if that's what it is, I'm still unsure if you know for definite that he has got you one) is being given lovingly as well. I suggest you address the real issues in your marriage.

I get it op. You said in your first post that use tech for work only, its not an exciting thing. I'm similar.. I need a new laptop badly but I don't want someone to buy it as my present. I need it, I don't want it. I'd delay opening the box as I hate faffing with signing in and setting up.
I agree with pp that there are bigger issues here that need addressing.

Yes the £80 was originally for a meal out but then it changed and you just gave him money to by himself whatever he wants which is far more thoughtless than buying something you actually said you wanted.

How are you so sure it's your birthday present too?

You gave him 80 quid to buy himself a Christmas present and you seem annoyed that he spent it on gaming for himself and wished you’d kept it for yourself to take a friend out to a restaurant. What do you believe would have been an “acceptable” use of the 80 pounds? If you give someone money for their Christmas gift you have no control over what they buy with it. And don’t forget your first thought for the 80 pounds for Christmas was a meal for both of you, not something exclusively for him, but you are upset that he may have you bought you something that’s not exclusively for you (and you don’t even know that he has bought a computer - he could be giving you hints that he has just to throw you off the scent).

And then you say you use computers strictly for work, not for pleasure but you are talking about keeping family photos on it. That doesn’t sound like “strictly for work use”. So you would get some personal pleasure from it.

And this whole “my money, his money” is just so odd for a married couple with children. I couldn’t live like that.

@Heartlantern2

I can’t tell him, we’re not financially well of due to COVID and he is excited to give it to me. His said he can’t wait for Xmas a few times now as he thinks I want this. I’ve mentioned in the year we need to get a family computer so we can put all the kids photos and videos on their so we don’t loose them, but I didint want it for a gift, you know, it was just a thing we need, like a sofa or a kettle.

This is why I mentioned the brother and sister thing, it’s like he doesn’t know me on a personal level anymore.

Of course he doesn't know you. You're not telling him how you feel! How is he supposed to know you if you don't tell him who you are? That's a genuine question. Can you answer it?

@Heartlantern2

Because when we was arguing (2 weeks ago I was doing overtime and was getting £80 for it, so said to him can he ask his mum if she can have the children for a few hours and we can go for a meal as our Xmas present- he never wants to do anything with me or go anywhere- he said she won’t do it because it’s Xmas time and she’s busy. I thought fair enough, it is a busy time of the year, then discovered she has had her other grandchildren all last weekend- so it wasn’t that she was busy, it’s that he didint want to ask and used his mum as a excuse for him to not spend time with me I guess)

So whilst arguing about it, I went to my studio and started doing some more work, he came in 20 minutes later and I was saying that if my laptop breaks or anything I’ve just realised I’d be up the creek as everything is only on one computer, I don’t have a back up, and he said, I wouldn’t worry about that.

That means that’s what his got me as his normal generic response is -Yh, we will have to sort that at some point.

I voted YANBU.

But having read your updates I'm now not sure. I mean, you suggested wanting a computer for family photos. You also mentioned you wanting a back up for your work laptop.

So... Getting you a laptop seems a very thoughtful thing.

If I'm honest, I think you have ideas of fairytale relationships when in reality what you describe can be pretty normal. Sex lives do struggle with young children. And many people aren't affectionate. Most people in long-term relationships don't buy partners random gifts.

You have him £80 - that's hardly thoughtful or romantic yourself.

Because I don’t use a computer except for work only. If you worked in a office on a computer would you like a computer for Xmas? I don’t use them to play on or anything else other than just work things.

He said a few days ago it was for Xmas and my birthday but that doesn’t bother me at all as we are strapped and don’t expect anything for my birthday anyway. It’s eighth after Xmas so it’s always hard for people to celebrate it by giving even more presents as most people spend a lot on Xmas.

Yes, maybe it was selfish to want to go for a meal out, but isn’t that just a normal standard thing? Don’t other couples go out for meals? If I didint want to go I’d still do it for him as it’s nice to do things for the people you love....but that’s obviously precisely the problem

Think yourself lucky, my ex husband gave me a shelf for my birthday 🤣🤣

😂 ok, you win! 😂

I've put YABU not because you are hard work or because you should get a family thing for your present but because I think a lot of these gift issues could be resolved by people just explicitly saying what they want. We don't have a lot of spare cash either and we don't buy luxuries for ourselves so it is the one time I can say- I want this exact thing. It solves stress on one side and disappointment on the other.

For mothers day last year from dh i got a waffle maker I hate waffles, kids and dh love them.
Dh then got a hair dryer for his bday from me ( the kids one had broke) I think my point was made
I'd definitely password that comp

@Newwayofthinking

Think yourself lucky, my ex husband gave me a shelf for my birthday 🤣🤣

Shelf-ish bastard.

Yh that’s where it went completely wrong, I didn’t tel him what I wanted as we wasn’t doing gifts this year....but alas, I have a computer on the way. 🤦🏼‍♀️

You're annoyed with him but you would rather suffer in silence than tell him you don't want a computer as your christmas/birthday gift.

Just tell him, it is not hard.

"From a few hints you've been dropping am I right in thinking you have got me a PC for christmas? Thank you for thinking of me but it is actually not something I want, and I really don't want us to waste money on something that is not really needed. Are you able to return it so I can choose something more for myself?"