I think his got me a computer for Xmas- please god no!

[Heartlantern2]

Me and DH are having a bit of a spat today- he never wants to do anything or go anywhere with me. He never initiates sex and is also not affectionate in a wordy way like I love you’s ect. I kinda feel like I’m living with my brother, who loves me, but isn’t in love with me, like how a brother would love a sister.

So during this argument I have a horrid feeling I have got a computer for Xmas, probably a Apple one. I already have a small lap top and a iPad, I use both these things soley and for my work only, I don’t play on them or ever do anything not work related.

So this computer, I suspect would be a family computer? Yes?

So my one and only gift is the family computer.....maybe next year I’ll get a sofa for Xmas (that benefits everyone but isn’t actually for me is it!) ?

Aibu thinking this is not a gift for me?
How would you feel getting a family/household item as your only gift?

Yanbu- that’s a normal purchase for everyone and shouldn’t be in exchange for someone’s gift

Yabu- gosh, you sound like hard work.

But I didn’t say I needed a new computer, I don’t know why it’s hard for people to get that?

If I mention next year the family could Benifit from a day trip to the sea, would I get that for my birthday?

We have bought family items for Christmas and it came out of everyone s Christmas present pot eg a £400 PlayStation was £100 each so only little things for each of us.

So you weren't doing presents for each other, and were happy with that, and then he buys a family computer. (So you still aren't doing presents for each other really). But then you give him £80.. So as far as I can see the 'problem' is that you've now given him £80 for himself, and you're anticipating not getting anything for yourself? So I think you can either wait and see if he adds anything to the computer 'gift' like £80 worth of present that's actually for you, or you can buy yourself £80 of things you'd actually want?

You should just be honest with him.

Have a conversation along the following lines;

“ I’ve was thinking that there will probably be some good deals on computers in the new year sales. If we could afford it then we should get one then.”

Him: “ ah but maybe someone will get one for Christmas?”

You: “ no one is going to buy us a family computer for Christmas you know that other people in the family don’t do that sort of thing.”

Him” well maybe someone will buy you a computer “

You “ but I don’t want a computer. Same as I don’t want an ironing board or a kettle . They are things for the family- not for me.

I’m really really really looking forward to getting something just for me Christmas, that’s just for me. “

Are you even sure he bought it specifically for you and not just for the whole family? Did he say "I got YOU a present?"

That’s correct villa, except this IS my Xmas and birthday present.

Why would he buy me a computer just for me when I’m the only one in the house who doesn’t use them for pleasure. It’s a family computer that I won’t ever use. I only use my own computer for work only.

My DH got me a VR headset last year. I hadn't asked for one. But I actually really love it. It wasn't a present for him in disguise, he has never used it.

I would not be happy to receive a domestic appliance of any sort as a gift!

@Heartlantern2

But I didn’t say I needed a new computer, I don’t know why it’s hard for people to get that?

If I mention next year the family could Benifit from a day trip to the sea, would I get that for my birthday?

Some people are terrible gift buyers and will do that, yes. Immediately rush to buy the first thing someone mentions, and they feel proud of themselves for subtly ‘picking up’ on what that person wants.

That doesn’t make them bad partners/children/siblings. You just need to explicit about what you want.

Then tell him how you feel.

Macs and MacBooks are fairly valuable, you should be able to resell it for a similar price to what he purchased it for, worst case scenario.

Personally I wouldn’t mind having a family gift as a present. But I don’t really ask for many gifts as I am v lucky to be able to get the stuff I need for everyday life. I think getting a family item that is also useful for doing stuff you find helpful (eg organising photos) is reasonable (but I understand not everyone is like this).

Maybe give him an explicit gift list next time? Sounds like there may be other relationship difficulties that are deeper than the present thing that it might be good to address too?

You need to tell him that you want a birthday present 🎁

I'm afraid you giving him cash instead of a gift while he got something he thought wanted, even if he was wrong, is more unreasonable. You do sound like hard work.

Actually, if I suggested that my kids would love a trip to the seaside and then my husband organised it all and said we were going for my birthday I would love it. I completely agree that household appliances are not good gifts. But I really can't blame your husband for this one. Especially after you are annoyed at him spending the £80 you gave him to buy his own Christmas present as you couldn't be bothered because he didn't want to do the thing with it that you originally wanted to do. The meal out together would have been a self-bought gift for you. You said you weren't doing gifts but now you're annoyed that he's got you something, even though it's not something you particularly wanted, but do need, yet you are annoyed at him for not wanting to take part in your gift to yourself. You really are a most confusing person. No wonder your husband has no idea with the mixed messages you are giving off. Just do some more overtime and buy yourself what you want rather than putting everybody else through this pantomime.

@Ohtherewearethen

You're really not getting it, OP. Why do you keep insisting that this is a family computer and for your birthday as well as Christmas? You seem to know an awful lot about a gift you don't actually know you're getting yet. Also, your sulking over him not wanting to go out for a meal is so ironic as your post is about not wanting to receive a 'family gift', ie, a gift not just for you. Yet you expect him to be delighted at having to sort childcare and go out to eat during the pandemic with you as his 'gift'? Despite you knowing he doesn't enjoy things like that anyway? Can you really not see the hypocrisy? You could easily have bought him a gift with the £80 instead of 'lovingly giving' him the cash. You haven't put any thought at all into it. It's all about you, what you want or would like, not what he would want or like. You are getting more and more unreasonable with every post.

The timing of each incident is key to understanding why the OP had every right to feel aggrieved.

You said yourself that you could have taken a friend out for a meal with that money instead. So it wasn't a gift to him at all. It was a gift to you. Even in your voting options you wrote 'YABU - you sound like hard work' so you must have an inkling that you are!

Thank you Middlesex girl- someone who has actually read the posts and gets the time line!

Thank you

@Ohtherewearethen

"AIBU - I said I needed a new computer for work and to put the videos and photos of the kids on as mine is on its last legs. My husband and I have said we won't do Christmas presents for eachother this year as we are skint. I think my husband has bought me a computer which will probably be for my Christmas and birthday presents. I wanted to spend £80 overtime money on a meal out for me, I mean my husband and me, during the pandemic, so told my husband to arrange childcare with his mother. He doesn't really enjoy going out like this but I think he should anyway because I want him to. He refused so I bunged him, I mean, I lovingly gave him £80 to buy his own present with as I don't know what he likes and he has actually spent it on himself! On things that he wants! And I think, I don't actually know yet, that he's bought me a computer that I said I need but that I imagine he's assuming is for the whole family although I can't be sure as I don't know if he's even bought me the computer yet..."

Yes. You are being extremely unreasonable.

Talk about complete misinterpretation!

'ooh look everyone- Daddy got us all a computer'

@Heartlantern2

Because I don’t use a computer except for work only. If you worked in a office on a computer would you like a computer for Xmas? I don’t use them to play on or anything else other than just work things.

He said a few days ago it was for Xmas and my birthday but that doesn’t bother me at all as we are strapped and don’t expect anything for my birthday anyway. It’s eighth after Xmas so it’s always hard for people to celebrate it by giving even more presents as most people spend a lot on Xmas.

Yes, maybe it was selfish to want to go for a meal out, but isn’t that just a normal standard thing? Don’t other couples go out for meals? If I didint want to go I’d still do it for him as it’s nice to do things for the people you love....but that’s obviously precisely the problem

I work at home but I’m employed by a company. They provide all the computer equipment I need for the job but I still have a computer elsewhere in the house for personal stuff. My work computer belongs to the company. No way am I storing personal documents and photos on it or using it for personal browsing, banking, etc. If you are self-employed or freelance it might be different.

Yes we go out for meals. But it’s not a gift to each other. It’s just something we do when we don’t fancy cooking that night. We are very comfortable financially and can afford to go out for a meal just because but even if we couldn’t it wouldn’t be a gift. We don’t have “my money” and “your money”. It’s our money. We both spend it as we see fit or don’t need to ask permission from the other and we also don’t consider spending money on food to be a gift to the other and expect something in return. You have bigger problems than 80 quid and a speculative computer.

OP, my ex gave me a ...colander one Christmas. Yes, you read that correctly, a metal colander for straining the fucking potatoes. However, I never said, either get me a nice present or kindly don't bother, because this is simply insulting, so perhaps I had only myself to blame.

You obviously - and not unreasonably - would like your husband to buy a personal gift. But you gave him £80 and told him to buy his own present, so you're not exactly leading by example, are you?

Maybe set a couple of date nights and work out how to, I dunno, cherish and appreciate each other a bit more in 2021? It has been a tough year for many.

I do understand how you feel about this, but I think you need to park the computer issue for a bit as that is a symptom of the underlying problem, bit the problem in itself, yes?

Have you spoken with him about how you are drifting apart? How he is failing to fulfil your needs in the relationship? Do you think counselling would help?

If this relationship is over, you have a lot to get sorted in the new year

@Heartlantern2

That’s correct villa, except this IS my Xmas and birthday present.

Why would he buy me a computer just for me when I’m the only one in the house who doesn’t use them for pleasure. It’s a family computer that I won’t ever use. I only use my own computer for work only.

So how do you use MN? If you “only use a computer for work” then is this your work? Maybe you use your phone and since you obviously use a device for personal computing/internet use the gift isn’t that far off the mark, is it? He’s just got you something bigger to do something that you enjoy doing on something else. Is it really that terrible?

The thought is nice, if misguided. It may be worth sitting him down after Christmas and telling him this. Tell him how it makes you feel like you're an afterthought. He will probably be mortified. DH was always hit or miss with gifts. Now we usually get ourselves a treat eg meal out/ night away and then just get each other a token gift for the day. Maybe discuss joint gifts in future or If you want something specific one year agree a budget and send him the link. He will probably thank you.

@Heartlantern2

But I didn’t say I needed a new computer, I don’t know why it’s hard for people to get that?

If I mention next year the family could Benifit from a day trip to the sea, would I get that for my birthday?

You twice mentioned the need for a computer, he picked up on that and I think with good intentions decided to sort it, why don’t you understand that?

If I mentioned that I thought it would be nice to have a day trip somewhere and it was organised on my birthday, I would be delighted. I would think they listened, took note and made it happen. What is not to be pleased about.

You gave your husband £80 and told him to buy his own present. Total lack of thought, if my husband treated me with such contempt I would be very upset. I certainly wouldn’t happily trot off to the shops to buy my own Christmas present.

OP, my ex gave me a ...colander one Christmas

I would be actually happy with colander as a present but ONLY if it was this one😂
warning, you will go down the rabbit hole in that link ha
www.ototodesign.com/products/spaghetti-monster-colander-strainer

Otherwise he would wear it as a hat...