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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stepmother never buys present for my DC

223 replies

piccadillycircus1 · 11/12/2020 16:24

My ex has been with her for 3 years, married now and she’s never bought my children any presents for Christmas or birthdays. She always buys stuff for him though, I buy presents for her daughter because my children asks me, even on their way to the dads we’ll go to the shop and my children always asks if she also can have a drink/snacks. I even gave her bags of clothes for her daughter.

Before they moved in together, and they were dating she would always buy my children cupcakes and sweet treats when she spent time with them.

Were she doing this to impress him because they were in the early stages and everything was new and exiting?

I just can’t imagine not buying birthday presents or Christmas present for stepchildren who lives with me half of the week.

I feel sad when my children asks me if they can buy her daughter this and that when we’re out knowing they will never get anything from her.

Is this normal? I’d love to hear from other stepmums, how are things in your household?

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 11/12/2020 16:27

I agree it is strange (unless she is perhaps struggling for money), but your dc will still get pleasure from giving. I think it is lovely that they think about other dc in the house, no matter how wierd their mum is!

Stompythedinosaur · 11/12/2020 16:28

Although, now I'm thinking again - the the dc's gifts from their df not from both him and stepmum?

WillingWarlock · 11/12/2020 16:28

Don't presents come joint from your ex and her? Does he not buy them any presents?

tyrannosaurustrip · 11/12/2020 16:29

I may not be understanding but if they're married now, aren't all presents joint?

cariadlet · 11/12/2020 16:29

Is it a tradition in your family that couples (eg an aunt and uncle who are married to each other) would each buy presents for the children in your family? I would have thought that it's more common for any present to be from the couple.

If your dh buys your children birthday and Christmas presents then their stepmother probably sees those as presents from the two of them and wouldn't think of buying additional presents just from her.

Postmanbear · 11/12/2020 16:29

Don’t Christmas and birthday gifts come from both her husband and her? I never buy separate gifts to my husband for children in our family.

liveitwell · 11/12/2020 16:29

So... Does your ex buy them gifts? Seems strange you want them from her when their dad lives there and should get them surely?

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 11/12/2020 16:29

Surely when their dad is buying gifts, he is buying gifts from them both? They dont need to have separate piles of presentes when dad and stepmum are married.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 11/12/2020 16:31

If you and your ex had still been been together would you buy separate gifts for your dc?

The same principle applies here, they are a family so the presents are from them both.

seashellseashell123 · 11/12/2020 16:32

I don't buy my step children presents their dad buys them and they are joint from both of us because as a couple that's pretty normalHmm

Seems a bit like you're looking for an excuse to have a pop at the SM to be honest. If they're married chances are their finances are shared and presents are probably very much bought by her too. Unless you're saying their dad doesn't buy them anything either which would be different?

Aprilx · 11/12/2020 16:32

They are married, perhaps they see their finances as joint and hence presents are from them both.

lifestooshort123 · 11/12/2020 16:33

My grandson gets his mum to buy presents for his stepmum's children if he's staying there when it's a birthday or Christmas. He says it's because she moans at him if he doesn't bring something. When it's his birthday, presents come from his dad - he's never expected anything separate from her and would find it a bit creepy if she did tbh.

Theimpossiblegirl · 11/12/2020 16:34

They are a couple, presents are from them both. The earlier treats were before they seemed and joined their finances. It's a non issue.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 11/12/2020 16:37

I never bought separate presents for my stepchildren, all presents were joint, with maybe a couple of ones just from DH. Now he is no longer here, the presents are just from me. I thought that was usual? I didn't buy separate presents from me for our DS either, everything was from us both.

NailsNeedDoing · 11/12/2020 16:37

I’d have thought presents and treats would be paid for by your ex. It would never have occurred to my that my children’s step father should give them presents separately to me.

It’s lovely that your dc want to be generous with gifts, but I think that’s them and you being extra thoughtful rather than it being normal and expected.

HeddaGarbled · 11/12/2020 16:37

Now they’re official, presents are joint from her and your ex. Couples often agree to take on the responsibility for present buying for their own sides of the family.

Original poster
piccadillycircus1 · 11/12/2020 16:37

They don’t have joint accounts, even though they’re married. My DS turned 8 in October and he wanted a bike, so his dad bought him the bike from his money. Is that also a present from the stepmum? I’ve never been a atepmum so don’t know if this is the norm. Personally, if I was the stepmum and his dad bought him a bike from his money I’d buy him another present, but that’s just me. I have no issues with her, my children like her which is the most important thing. It’s just this that I find a bit strange, maybe it’s normal 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
piccadillycircus1 · 11/12/2020 16:39

It’s lovely that your dc want to be generous with gifts, but I think that’s them and you being extra thoughtful rather than it being normal and expected.*

This is probably it.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 11/12/2020 16:39

Yes, the bike was from both of them.

Ffsnosexallowed · 11/12/2020 16:40

You are being a bit strange. I wouldn't expect dp to buy a separate present for our dc, why would you expect her to?? How do you know so much about their financial set up?

GlowingOrb · 11/12/2020 16:42

In our family presents are from the couple. I would also expect the father in this scenario to be the person primarily in charge of gift selection from the couple.

cariadlet · 11/12/2020 16:42

They don’t have joint accounts, even though they’re married

dp and I aren't married but have a dd and have been together well over 20 years. We don't have joint accounts either. I use my money to buy presents for my side of the family and he uses his money to buy presents for his side of the family but the presents are still joint presents from both of us.

CorianderQueen · 11/12/2020 16:42

Presents from one in the couple are from both people.

BilboBercow · 11/12/2020 16:45

OP you must know that couples buy joint gifts. What happened when you and ex were together? Did you buy the kids presents from you and presents from him?

VinylDetective · 11/12/2020 16:45

Of course the bike was from both of them. It’s completely irrelevant how they organise their finances. We have separate accounts (after 20 years), we give all our kids presents from both of us. It would be weird not to.

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