Stepmother never buys present for my DC

[piccadillycircus1]

My ex has been with her for 3 years, married now and she’s never bought my children any presents for Christmas or birthdays. She always buys stuff for him though, I buy presents for her daughter because my children asks me, even on their way to the dads we’ll go to the shop and my children always asks if she also can have a drink/snacks. I even gave her bags of clothes for her daughter.

Before they moved in together, and they were dating she would always buy my children cupcakes and sweet treats when she spent time with them.

Were she doing this to impress him because they were in the early stages and everything was new and exiting?

I just can’t imagine not buying birthday presents or Christmas present for stepchildren who lives with me half of the week.

I feel sad when my children asks me if they can buy her daughter this and that when we’re out knowing they will never get anything from her.

Is this normal? I’d love to hear from other stepmums, how are things in your household?

Thanks, all I wanted to know. Maybe I'm the weird one here 😂

I would find it odd if a married couple didn’t send joint presents.

DP isn’t Ds dad. I buy the presents from both of us for him.

Whether they have joint accounts or not it's irrelevant. It'd be pretty unusual for 2 halves of a married/cohabiting couple to buy separate presents. Did you and your ex buy your children separate gifts when you were together?

The bike is from them both. No need for her to buy an additional and separate present.

Their finances is their business. How do you know that she doesn't transfer half the money?

I hope you are not saying anything to your kids as that would be terrible. You are looking way too much into it. Assume they now get joint presents, which is highly likely if they get big presents, and don't make assumptions in their finances when you can't know all the ins and outs of their financial arrangement.

I'm confused. Why would she buy them something if Dad has? Surely all presents are considered joint regardless of their financial setup?

Totally up to you if you want to buy her kid something but honestly I'd find it weirder (as a stepmum) if I was expected to buy something in addition to DH buying something.

I also think presents from a couple would be presents from both. If my husband bought a present for his mum then it's a present from both of us. The same goes for my parents.

I've never known couples buy separate presents for the same person. They are always joint.

@piccadillycircus1

They don’t have joint accounts, even though they’re married. My DS turned 8 in October and he wanted a bike, so his dad bought him the bike from his money. Is that also a present from the stepmum? I’ve never been a atepmum so don’t know if this is the norm. Personally, if I was the stepmum and his dad bought him a bike from his money I’d buy him another present, but that’s just me. I have no issues with her, my children like her which is the most important thing. It’s just this that I find a bit strange, maybe it’s normal 🤷‍♀️

We don’t have joint accounts even though we are married. But we absolutely share our finances 100% and move money between us freely.

In the nicest possible way I think you are the weird one here op, but at least you seem to be taking it in good grace.

You’re being so weird about this 😂 the present is from both of them, whether or not they have joint bank accounts.. they may have arrangements that he pays for his kids presents and she pays her hers but they’d still be from both from them 😂

How exactly is it that you know the minutiae of your ex and his wife’s finances? And why?

It’s really none of your business how they organise the money in their marriage. Or how they organise present buying.

I'm buying presents for my kids, dp buys for his. It's just the practical way to do it, they are from us (I chose and orders his DD's main gifts using his credit card!)

If it’s you that’s the weird one, then stay weird, and let your children do the same. Being kind and thoughtful and generous where you can be is never wrong.

Going slightly against the grain - I do buy separate presents for my SDC but that’s because I don’t have children of my own and like treating them. It’s usually something fairly small though and in addition to the main presents. We also have separate bank accounts but I transfer funds to pay for ‘my half’ of presents etc.

@Theimpossiblegirl

They are a couple, presents are from them both. The earlier treats were before they seemed and joined their finances. It's a non issue.

This. I never get presents literally just from my stepmum - they're joint.

My stepmum never gave me and my siblings separate presents to what our dad got us. It’s never occurred to me to feel sorry for myself or think that she was tight. The presents came from both of them. My partner does get my kids a few things just from him but that’s his choice and if he stops doing that one day that’s totally fine.

@NailsNeedDoing there is nothing wrong with the OP being kind and generous. It doesn't make the stepmum unkind to assume presents are joint. They're a married couple. I don't know of any married couple that say present 1 is from Dad, present 2 is from Mum. Being a stepparent shouldn't change that.

I'm a stepmum and have never brought my DSS a separate card or gift, the gift he gets from my DH is from both of us and to be honest it wouldn't even occur to me to buy something just from me as we are married and I would think it odd if someone suggested I did. Even the card which is to "Son" is signed from Dad and Energy so from both of us as we are a family.

@EnergyCreatesReality - us too with the card. One of us will get one to daughter and it'll be signed from Daddy and dunraven. That's how normal married couples do it right?

I think year 1 I did buy a separate gift but only because we weren't living together then.

I'm astonished that you know that they have separate bank accounts and that the payment for your sons bike came solely from his dads account.

How do you know all this?

But yes, agree with the others, presents are joint.

It would be weirder if she bought separate presents.

It's the norm for couples to buy joint presents. Their financial situation is nothing to do with you, and it's sort of odd that you even know about it, but they're a married couple so present from dad = present from step-mum.

@piccadillycircus1

Thanks, all I wanted to know. Maybe I'm the weird one here 😂

Yes it is weird to think that if people are a couple they buy a present each

I know because, we're friends aswell as parents. We still care for each other, and help each other out if one of us is in need. We also go out for meals together with the kids, go to parents evenings together before COVID etc. So we talk. I never wanted to have the kind of relationship where we just drop the kids off and never see or speak to each other, not good for the children. So I'm lucky we get on. Better then when we were together. He's a good father, we just don't work together as a couple.

Even if their finances are seperate, if they are in a couple then the present is obviously from both of them 😂 how is this even a question!
Youre being really weird about this, it seems like you're trying desperately to find something negative

I’m a stepmum and really I think the weirdest thing here is that the OP thinks she knows how her ex and his wife organise their finances. Why on earth would she?

I’d be livid if DH were discussing our finances and financial arrangements with his ex. She’s entitled to maintenance from his wages to support the SDC. Beyond that, it’s absolutely none of her business.

But I’d imagine she’s just assuming all of it anyway. Because who would tell their ex how they organise their money? Even if the OP receives maintenance from a sole account in her ex’s name, that’s no clue to how they work the money in their relationship.

The son got a bike for his birthday. Presumably he was pleased with his big present. It’s odd to have given it any thought beyond that.