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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stepmother never buys present for my DC

223 replies

piccadillycircus1 · 11/12/2020 16:24

My ex has been with her for 3 years, married now and she’s never bought my children any presents for Christmas or birthdays. She always buys stuff for him though, I buy presents for her daughter because my children asks me, even on their way to the dads we’ll go to the shop and my children always asks if she also can have a drink/snacks. I even gave her bags of clothes for her daughter.

Before they moved in together, and they were dating she would always buy my children cupcakes and sweet treats when she spent time with them.

Were she doing this to impress him because they were in the early stages and everything was new and exiting?

I just can’t imagine not buying birthday presents or Christmas present for stepchildren who lives with me half of the week.

I feel sad when my children asks me if they can buy her daughter this and that when we’re out knowing they will never get anything from her.

Is this normal? I’d love to hear from other stepmums, how are things in your household?

OP posts:

honeylulu · 12/12/2020 11:04

When it's an established couple sharing a household, all presents are from both surely?

Though if the stepmother expects your kids to give gifts to her children by the same token she and your ex should be sorting that. It shouldn't be down to you! As a matter of interest do your children get specific presents from hers? I think you might want to take your lead from that.

PegLegTrev · 12/12/2020 11:08

they don’t have joint accounts

OP I’m sure you don’t know the intricate details of how they share their finances.

I don’t buy my step son presents just from me, they come from me and his father. We’re married (and if we weren’t and were only cohabiting the principal would remain) I buy presents for his family sometimes and vice versa.

Tbh my DSS’ Mum buys us gifts and also my DS and I just find it unsettling. One minute shes flying off the handle telling DH what a crap dad he is the next she’s dropping off gifts and chocolate. She’s particularly unstable though so maybe not the best example.

KumquatSalad · 12/12/2020 11:21

As a PP says, maybe you should start aiming your frustrations at your oh so lovely ex who can afford bikes for his kids yet won’t buy them a set of clothes hmm

Absolutely this.

It’s really nothing to do with the SM. You are projecting all sorts of issues that are actually about your ex on to his wife. It’s just not her responsibility to do any of the things you think she should.

Your ex doesn’t buy them clothes. If there are no cupcakes and special treats, it’s because their father doesn’t provide them.

He does provide birthday and Christmas gifts (of course he should). It’s totally normal that he, as the parent, discussed what your DS wanted for his birthday and sorted put the present. I’d imagine that his wife does the same for his daughter. Don’t kid yourself that you know about how they work their finances - it’s just not something you need to even think about.

DSS is getting a bike for his birthday. DH did all the asking about presents and buying it. I did the asking and buying for DS’s birthday. The presents are from both of us but it’s entirely reasonable that we split the labour this way.

I bought the DSC advent calendars (this year and last year too). It wasn’t DH. As far as I know the DSC are only aware that they got calendars, not who ordered them and picked them up from argos. Or whose card was used to buy them. Why on earth would they? (Tbh, telling them I got them would likely just make DSD decide to reject hers because she’s determined to try to get rid of me - no matter what I do. She loves the calendar and I don’t care if she thinks her father bought it? Even though he didn’t give it any thought at all).

I’m sure the DSC report that they get nothing from me and I’m really mean to their mum. It’s what she wants to hear anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Whoopsies · 12/12/2020 11:32

My dh and I have seperate finances, it's just what works for us. He bought all the kids presents from his account, does that mean they aren't from me too? We discussed them and chose them together, but technically he paid.

ActuallyIveGotDental · 12/12/2020 11:44

This is just a bonkers idea...

The first Christmas we were together we weren't living together so all my kids presents were from me and all DP's kids presents were from him, no mixing.

Since then we've lived together, we operate as a family unit, and so all presents are from us both!

In principle he chooses most for his dc and I choose most for my dc but they're still joint. We have both joint and separate accounts but consider it all household funds. Things like advent calendars come out of general shopping funds, but what not a single person in the world knows is that actually all the birthday and Christmas presents come from my kids child benefit!

Every month I save that money in a personal account, and then use it to buy all the birthday and Christmas presents and pay for their parties. So if you really want to be pedantic about it, I pay for ALL of the presents for both my kids and my dp's.

We don't get child benefit for his dc as it was simpler to let their mum keep claiming it, strictly speaking we should probably claim for one of his dc because they are here 50/50

funinthesun19 · 12/12/2020 11:55

Why does she “need” a present from her stepmum? She’s getting a present from her dad, which surely is joint anyway.

You talk about it like her stepmum owes her a present like she owes her a favour. She doesn’t owe it.

lockdownalli · 12/12/2020 12:00

I don't understand this at all. Do you think she should be buying separate gifts for your DC as well as the presents they get from their father?

Considering they are married that would be really rather odd I think.

It sounds like you are looking for a reason to be angry with her, but you are way off here with your expectations.

I say this as someone who has had a stepmother, who has been a stepmother, and whose DC now have a stepmother

NeedToKnow101 · 12/12/2020 12:20

Oh I missed all the ones I know. Poo.
Does this 70s classic fit your theme Shelf?

'Get up in the mornin', look in the mirror
I'm worn as her tooth brush hangin' in the stand, yeah'

NeedToKnow101 · 12/12/2020 12:21

Oops wrong thread! 😂😂

SnoozyBoozy · 12/12/2020 14:16

I think of you get on well with your ex, it might be worth having a conversation with him and say that your children want to buy their step sister presents (I assume for bday band Xmas) and would he mind organising that, as it makes more sense since he knows the daughter better. Then tell your children that their dad will help them sort out gifts for her.

And if they ask if they can takes treats for her when they visit, just tell them it's not really necessary every time they go (which I assume is regularly) as they're going to be spending time with her and perhaps they should save that kind of thing as an exceptional thing (for example if they go on holiday and want to ring her back a souvenir etc).

I think the onus is on you here to give your children realistic views on gift giving. My dd wanted to give Christmas gifts to her entire friendship circle at school (which we would have had to pay for!) and I just told her it wasn't reasonable.

PurpleMustang · 12/12/2020 15:13

If you dont want to be buying presents for her child then deflect it on to their Dad. Just say this is getting a bit awkward and I think you should be organising these not me.

ittakes2 · 12/12/2020 15:14

Your ex should be buying them presents it’s not her job

Frankola · 12/12/2020 19:20

Their df buys them gifts. These gifts are clearly from both of them.

Or do you expect her to buy more gifts for your dc "from her"?

My dh and I buy gifts together for his dc. We don't buy separately - we are a family unit, as are they.

AliceinBunniland · 12/12/2020 19:26

I agree with PPs that the gifts from their dad are from both of them. It doesn't matter if they have joint accounts or not.

If DH buys a present for his mum, it's from both of us. If I buy a present for his mum, it's from both of us, regardless of who pays for it. They don't ask!

It often ends up that I buy the gifts for my family and he buys the gifts for his family but they are all from both of us and it evens out as we are each buying for half of the family.

Lachimolala · 13/12/2020 05:59

Well I don’t buy separate presents for my SD just from me that would be odd, me and DH buy them from us all for birthdays and Christmas as I’m sure many others do. Presents from one are presents from all.

Can you clarify the relevance of you buying for her DC? I presume you were not asked to do so, it’s nice of you but not the norm. Also their banking habits aren’t really relevant nor any of your business really.

You’re coming across a bit nitpicky here, I can’t see any issue myself.

Frannibananni · 13/12/2020 06:05

Stop being grabby. As long as their father is buying presents for them that’s normal.

Lachimolala · 13/12/2020 06:32

Just read this . .

I just know if I was a stepmum I would be different

Christ you really don’t like her do you? Leave her be ffs

Dogscanteatonions · 13/12/2020 10:06

They're a couple so presents are from both of them. You're really overthinking this.

goopsoup · 13/12/2020 12:35

There's no clothes or nice "treats " from her, I buy all their clothes. They have no clothes at their dads, just pack a bag from my house that's it.

This is terrible, they’re like guests in their father’s house. I think this is the crux of the issue. Why don’t they have anything there?

Ok, I'll admit maybe I do feel a bit resentful that I'm constantly making an effort and buying her daughter presents for birthday and Christmas, and treats when they go to their dads house. And I feel like my children get nothing from her.

I can't just stop buying her child present even though we're not related, it's odd and I can't say no to my children when they ask if they can buy her a present.

Why can’t you stop buying for her? You have ZERO obligation to buy her anything, she is not your child or your step-child!

You are getting yourself in a pickle for no reason. Is it birthday or Christmas presents you’re buying?

If your kids do want to get her something, tell them it has to be something small, like a selection box at Christmas.

You need to get out if this mindset of buying for her or you’re looking at years of resentment

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/12/2020 12:38

This is terrible, they’re like guests in their father’s house. I think this is the crux of the issue. Why don’t they have anything there?

You’re right and that probably is the main issue but it’s their father’s responsibility, OP’s sainted ex, not his wife’s. She’s projecting her dissatisfaction at his uselessness onto his wife who OP is clearly jealous of and dislikes. Which is a shame for OP as I doubt her ex’s wife gives a shit what she thinks.

goopsoup · 13/12/2020 12:49

I totally agree that it’s the father’s responsibility. I think OP still has the ‘wife work’ mindset that the woman buys gifts for DC, and that’s why she does it for this girl, and that’s why she thinks maybe her ex’s partner should do it for her DC.

When in actual fact OP has zero responsibility to this girl. I don’t think OP is jealous, she’s just got stuck in a cycle where she keeps giving to her ex’s dc and seeing her kids not even having their own things at their father’a house.

OP’s dc are definitely being shortchanged and OP can make it more equal by stopping the constant treats for ex’s DC.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 13/12/2020 12:54

Your ex is the issue, not the stepmother. She has no obligation to buy things for your children. My DS has a stepmother, I don't expect her to spend a penny on DS if she doesn't want to, that's his father's responsibility.

hellejuice91 · 13/12/2020 20:49

I think they are just seeing them joint presents. My husband and I don't have a joint account either, and he pays for any presents for his family and I pay for any presents for mine. All presents are seen as joint, at the end of the day we see it as household money. But maybe it would be nice is she signed one of the gift tags on one of your DC presents, so it felt like she was more included

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