Stepmother never buys present for my DC

[piccadillycircus1]

My ex has been with her for 3 years, married now and she’s never bought my children any presents for Christmas or birthdays. She always buys stuff for him though, I buy presents for her daughter because my children asks me, even on their way to the dads we’ll go to the shop and my children always asks if she also can have a drink/snacks. I even gave her bags of clothes for her daughter.

Before they moved in together, and they were dating she would always buy my children cupcakes and sweet treats when she spent time with them.

Were she doing this to impress him because they were in the early stages and everything was new and exiting?

I just can’t imagine not buying birthday presents or Christmas present for stepchildren who lives with me half of the week.

I feel sad when my children asks me if they can buy her daughter this and that when we’re out knowing they will never get anything from her.

Is this normal? I’d love to hear from other stepmums, how are things in your household?

@piccadillycircus1

They don’t have joint accounts, even though they’re married. My DS turned 8 in October and he wanted a bike, so his dad bought him the bike from his money. Is that also a present from the stepmum? I’ve never been a atepmum so don’t know if this is the norm. Personally, if I was the stepmum and his dad bought him a bike from his money I’d buy him another present, but that’s just me. I have no issues with her, my children like her which is the most important thing. It’s just this that I find a bit strange, maybe it’s normal 🤷‍♀️

They might not have joint accounts but they run a household together, and are married, so I would consider any money one of them spends comes from them as a couple. I’d think it a bit strange if the stepparent also bought a gift tbh.

@piccadillycircus1

I know because, we're friends aswell as parents. We still care for each other, and help each other out if one of us is in need. We also go out for meals together with the kids, go to parents evenings together before COVID etc. So we talk. I never wanted to have the kind of relationship where we just drop the kids off and never see or speak to each other, not good for the children. So I'm lucky we get on. Better then when we were together. He's a good father, we just don't work together as a couple.

Being friends doesn’t mean you get insight into things like their finances. That’s really not the sort of thing that’s public information.

here i buy for my side of the family and my Oh buys for his side of the family and we put both our names on and on your arrangement your kids would get one present from their dad, one present from their stepmum, and her children would get one present from you, one present from their mom and one present from their stepdad so not very balanced either

@FleetwoodMacMummy

Even if their finances are seperate, if they are in a couple then the present is obviously from both of them 😂 how is this even a question! Youre being really weird about this, it seems like you're trying desperately to find something negative

I agree. You're looking for her to be doing something wrong.

You keep saying your dc want to buy for hers. Is that their sibling? Or step-sibling?

I've never had a joint account with my husband but of course all presents we give to stepdaughter, nieces, nephews etc. are from both of us. Seems strange to me to expect a separate gift from each.

There was another thread on here where a woman was outraged that her Ex's girlfriend had bought the children birthday and Christmas presents. Step parents really can't win.

Step sibling

I'm glad I don't have "friends" like you. It's painfully obvious you're desperate for an excuse to have a pop at their SM. How sad for your children.

Friends or not, you are massively overstepping and he's a bit of a knob. He shouldn't be discussing his private financial arrangements with his ex. Not unless something specifically pertains to money for the children.

I also think this is odd. They are a couple the presents are from both of them. If you married gain would you expect you new DH to buy your kids presents? Me and my husband have separate bank accounts but the kids presents are from us both

I think you’re being unreasonable. Your kids are getting presents from your ex aren’t they? Why would his wife/the stepmother have to buy separate presents?

Your kids are just being kind by wanting to buy their stepsister a present. You don’t have to spend a lot.

Joining in to say the presents are obviously from both of them. And my friends don't know what accounts and me and DP have, they might assume that we have separate accounts as when they pay me back for something its into my account, but we have more joint accounts than separate accounts.

Kind of seems similar to buying gifts for inlaws. DH and I have separate accounts, he buys gifts for his parents, I buy for mine. They are from us as a couple.

I'm a "step mum". My DH buys the presents for his son and grandson, but the labels say they are from both of us. I buy for my side of the family and do the same. Like others I'm stunned that you'd even know whose bank account paid for the gifts, but even if you do the presents are from both of them. If your ex isn't writing his labels right then there's a different issue altogether, but one for her to worry about, not you.

They are married so the gifts are from both..... maybe if they have different accounts then she buys her daughters gifts and he buys his? You are overthinking it.

You are odd to expect them to buy separate gifts.

I put a lot of time and effort into thinking of presents for my dad's kids. Sometimes their presents are entirely my doing, from thinking up what to get to going and making the purchase. They are still always from both of us, and I'd be really sad if they assumed I'd had nothing to do with it because they expected something separate from me.

Also, if my dp were discussing our financial arrangements with his ex to that extent I'd go spare, and I'd make sure I never shared an account with him either.

To be honest, even if they weren’t married but were in a long term relationship (which 3 yrs is in my opinion) I would class the present as a joint present from them. Having separate finances makes no difference either.

Once we moved in presents were from us both, to be fair Ive always made all the effort Christmas present buying for DSS as I really
Enjoy that type of thing.
DH and I had a joint account and DSS knew they were from us both.

Honestly depends on what your DC thinks, is their impression that they are from his
New wife too?

I'm a step mum and often buy the kids separate presents from me. If I see something they like I will pick it up for them. Take this year one sd is in Canada and I sent her a hamper for Xmas yesterday. Dh has transferred her some money and send her a few bits also. My other sd, I have put together a hamper as I will see her, with an oodie, candle, rituals gift box, Prosecco, chocolates and a book and I dropped her over a beauty advent calendar at the start of December. Myself and dh tend to have different tastes and tend to pick them up stuff separately but it is always from both of us although I imagine they can tell which of us has chosen particular gifts.

Definitely all gifts will be from both of them. Regardless of who buys the presents all gifts to family and shared friends would be from me and dp, despite us not having shared accounts we still share money, eg he pays the virgin bill and I pay council tax.

This is odd... (Your post I mean).

I would say all presents are joint. Funnily my husband bought my DSS a bike (not for his 8th though so guessing it's not me!) For his birthday this year.

I didn't go out and buy him something separately, the bike was nearly £200 he didn't need anything else! It so happens that DH and I also have somewhat separate finances and so yes he paid for 'all of the bike', but so what? He still said it was from us.

At Christmas I tend to buy bits and bobs that I see if i think they'll like them and DH buys the main present. Again, we still say everything is from us though not this is from Daddy and this is from SM. It's all joint, as with all presents for other family members.

I can't remember the last time DH contributed to a present for my mum for example, I still sign his name on the gift tag!

I think you're being weird about it (and nosey frankly). At the end of the day you've no idea what she spends day to day, who's to say she doesn't buy snacks and drinks whilst they are at their house etc...

She isn't doing anything wrong. You sound far too invested in their business.

I never received separate presents from my mum and dad when they were together, can't see how this is any different. You're definitely the odd one here OP

The bike would of been from them both... joint account or not. It was a gift from them, not just your ex.

You don’t know anything about how they manage their finances.

They could have a joint account for bills but their own cards for paying for meals / presents etc which is funded via the joint. You’re too invested in their relationship and looking for fault where there doesn’t seem to be any.

Of course all presents are joint. How bizarre.